ten days that came out of nowhere
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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ten days that came out of nowhere
Today is a plateau of sorts for me. It's 10 days without drinking alcohol. I've stopped drinking everyday a few times in the past 15 years and never made it past this mark. When I stopped in the past, though, I wasn't making any official statements to myself. No "A" words. The experience was physically similar, but mentally/emotionally/spiritually totally different.
I hadn't intended for June 23 to have this significance. Ten days ago, I was hung over and negotiating with myself about what time I would start again and what it would be, and what I had to accomplish before I could get going again. (I can't believe I'm admitting that to anyone!)
But then I wrecked my car while being careless and distracted, and stood on the side of the highway in a daze, saying the serenity prayer over and over to myself.
So the negotiations were called off. My best friend of 15 years (and fellow wino) said that she thought I was being unhealthily hard on myself, to which I ended the conversation and joined this website. We haven't spoken since.
They come out of nowhere- the cravings, the habitual motions and emotions, the moments of clarity.
I really do have a lot in front of me. Financially this really set me back- my insurance was basic and didn't pay for my totaled car. I am going to have a suspended license for too many points on it, which will compromise my job if I can't get a hardship license. I need a car for work so am renting and that's expensive. I am lonely and working a lot, and my work is over my head right now. Several people very close to me, but very far away geographically, are laying in hospital beds.
But that's why I'm NOT going to drink. I can hold the serenity to navigate this in a sane state of mind. I feel like I jumped off the cliff and before I got to the very very bottom I grabbed a tree root, and now have to climb back up. Not to sound melodramatic, but I think for me the bottom would be death. I'm climbing out.
Yesterday I was on a work trip for the day with many coworkers. Our plane was delayed when we got to the airport to return home last night and people went to the bar. Someone said that I would definitely be wanting 2 or 3 glasses of wine. I sat down and ordered soda water and lime. It was really hard, and I can see how people might not be able to do it. I had JUST been looking at this forum on my iphone, reading about people's relapses, reflecting on how much I really need to focus, and not go there.
I don't post a lot- but do visit. Thanks for being here. Every person here has helped me create the infancy of actual sobriety. Thank you for sharing this with me. I hope you all have a day filled with laughter and miracles.
I hadn't intended for June 23 to have this significance. Ten days ago, I was hung over and negotiating with myself about what time I would start again and what it would be, and what I had to accomplish before I could get going again. (I can't believe I'm admitting that to anyone!)
But then I wrecked my car while being careless and distracted, and stood on the side of the highway in a daze, saying the serenity prayer over and over to myself. So the negotiations were called off. My best friend of 15 years (and fellow wino) said that she thought I was being unhealthily hard on myself, to which I ended the conversation and joined this website. We haven't spoken since.
They come out of nowhere- the cravings, the habitual motions and emotions, the moments of clarity.
I really do have a lot in front of me. Financially this really set me back- my insurance was basic and didn't pay for my totaled car. I am going to have a suspended license for too many points on it, which will compromise my job if I can't get a hardship license. I need a car for work so am renting and that's expensive. I am lonely and working a lot, and my work is over my head right now. Several people very close to me, but very far away geographically, are laying in hospital beds.
But that's why I'm NOT going to drink. I can hold the serenity to navigate this in a sane state of mind. I feel like I jumped off the cliff and before I got to the very very bottom I grabbed a tree root, and now have to climb back up. Not to sound melodramatic, but I think for me the bottom would be death. I'm climbing out.
Yesterday I was on a work trip for the day with many coworkers. Our plane was delayed when we got to the airport to return home last night and people went to the bar. Someone said that I would definitely be wanting 2 or 3 glasses of wine. I sat down and ordered soda water and lime. It was really hard, and I can see how people might not be able to do it. I had JUST been looking at this forum on my iphone, reading about people's relapses, reflecting on how much I really need to focus, and not go there.
I don't post a lot- but do visit. Thanks for being here. Every person here has helped me create the infancy of actual sobriety. Thank you for sharing this with me. I hope you all have a day filled with laughter and miracles.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Congratulations to getting to this point...but don't let this point be a stopping point continue to move the milestone. Keep going. If this has been a hurdle getting over 10 days move your thinking to 15 days.
Fortunately, things play out in our lives that really make us stop and think. Sounds like if you stop drinking you can get your life back together...you have alot of baggage to unpack but its better to do it sober that let it get worse.
Good Luck.
Fortunately, things play out in our lives that really make us stop and think. Sounds like if you stop drinking you can get your life back together...you have alot of baggage to unpack but its better to do it sober that let it get worse.
Good Luck.
Owner of a strange glitch.
Join Date: Aug 2009
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Welcome (I haven't met you yet). Congratulations on the ten days.
I can relate to a lot of what you say.
Hang in there.
Thank you, you too. Although I think I see your miracle...
Pull yourself on out of that misery, friend!
Take care,
TB
I can relate to a lot of what you say.
Originally Posted by bexxed 
They come out of nowhere- the cravings, the habitual motions and emotions, the moments of clarity.
I hope you all have a day filled with laughter and miracles.
Pull yourself on out of that misery, friend!
Take care,
TB
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 426
Bexxed - good for you on staying strong through all of the obstacles. Lots of similarities - the daily negotiations of what I absolutely had to do before I poured my first drink (that meant alot of early morning tasks!). Scheduling things around my drinking schedule - making plans in the morning and then canceling mid-afternoon because I was well on my way to being drunk.
Airports! Good for you. I haven't been in an airport in my early sobriety yet but man did I like my airport drinks - I know my first trip will be hard and a huge trigger. You were really strong!! Congrats!!
I hope things work out with your car and glad that nobody was hurt. Great job on 10 days!!! Have a great one today!
Airports! Good for you. I haven't been in an airport in my early sobriety yet but man did I like my airport drinks - I know my first trip will be hard and a huge trigger. You were really strong!! Congrats!!
I hope things work out with your car and glad that nobody was hurt. Great job on 10 days!!! Have a great one today!
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Hey, thanks, y'all...
Nice to meet you, TB.
Thanks for this, ER. I really need someone to say that to me. I have a real sense that there can be no excuses, that I really need to focus, and as I mentioned, others in my realtime life think my pretty radically different turn here is being "hard on myself". In weaker moments, which do happen, that's dangerous. You're right, and I really want to put it back together before the pieces are lost or too fragmented.
I've gone to a few meetings, and won't be able to today, but have good, productive plans otherwise.
One day at a time...
Nice to meet you, TB.
Originally Posted by EmeraldRose
Congratulations to getting to this point...but don't let this point be a stopping point continue to move the milestone. Keep going. If this has been a hurdle getting over 10 days move your thinking to 15 days.
Fortunately, things play out in our lives that really make us stop and think. Sounds like if you stop drinking you can get your life back together...you have alot of baggage to unpack but its better to do it sober that let it get worse.
Good Luck.
Fortunately, things play out in our lives that really make us stop and think. Sounds like if you stop drinking you can get your life back together...you have alot of baggage to unpack but its better to do it sober that let it get worse.
Good Luck.
I've gone to a few meetings, and won't be able to today, but have good, productive plans otherwise.
One day at a time...
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Bexxed - awesome post, thanks for sharing. It made me think of a saying I heard that's so true about the many times I tried to "cut back." I kept thinking that now wasn't the right time, that events A B or C would need to happen first and then I would cut back or quit. Or move, get a new girlfriend or job. But the truth is that tomorrow is an illusion.
There is no such thing as a right time, the only thing there will ever be is right now.
There is no such thing as a right time, the only thing there will ever be is right now.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Spain
Posts: 298
Hello, Bexxed. I'm new here as well. I have now 71 days of sobriety. I never think I would achieve this mark. Praying and mediation has been of utmost importance for me. Exercise and sport are also very good for quitting alcohol.
All what I can say is that in a few days you will feel much better (at least if you are like me). If you cross the point of 15-20 days, you will gain a lot. Cravings tend to disappear, sleeping is better, mood gets better as well... With 1 month of sobriety (only 20 days more), you likely will be a new person.
Sorry, my english is not very good.
All what I can say is that in a few days you will feel much better (at least if you are like me). If you cross the point of 15-20 days, you will gain a lot. Cravings tend to disappear, sleeping is better, mood gets better as well... With 1 month of sobriety (only 20 days more), you likely will be a new person.
Sorry, my english is not very good.
Last edited by Mariano; 06-24-2011 at 10:44 AM. Reason: Correcting mistakes
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Hi Bexxed
The challenge I face is keeping it all in persepctive- from the big picture to the emotions of the moment. I am day 40 today- and I love it. The torment has cleared, the obsession is there but I know I can cope and I know it will get better.
The keys for me so far have been moving to a postion of "surrender" , I have given up the fight-can't recall how I got onto this - but it is here on the site somewhere or in the BIg Book ( a good read , free online). Something Least said got me thinking about a focus on gratitude which I do everyday (see gratitude lists here)
The challenge I face is keeping it all in persepctive- from the big picture to the emotions of the moment. I am day 40 today- and I love it. The torment has cleared, the obsession is there but I know I can cope and I know it will get better.
The keys for me so far have been moving to a postion of "surrender" , I have given up the fight-can't recall how I got onto this - but it is here on the site somewhere or in the BIg Book ( a good read , free online). Something Least said got me thinking about a focus on gratitude which I do everyday (see gratitude lists here)
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Hi Fenris, Instant, Mariano, Eddiebuckle. Thanks for the support.
I've been reading that big book. Interesting how easy it is to intellectually understand something but to really own it is different. I really want it, though.
What my mind has been sniffing around is honesty. Boy oh boy. I haven't even been honest with myself about my dishonesty to others. In other words- denial. Letting go of that is really hard. For instance- While poisoning myself daily and nightly mostly in isolation, I've been very careful to uphold a totally different image to others. A lot of people have believed it. This, I think, has helped me to believe that I was doing ok. After all, alcohol nearly killed both of my parents, and certainly pickled my once beautiful, intelligent, self possessed mother. When others start to see it, you've lost. It's sick to me that this way of thinking is mine- hard to face it, hard to type it, and it's gonna be really hard to surrender it.
but it's none of my business what they thought. So lying is a real waste of time on top of everything else it is.
What is really different about this milestone, which I recognize is a small one- (I mean, ten days is nothing, really) is the intention. I am so very grateful for the clarity of my intention. I am not "bargaining" with myself, which is what made this challenging. I have not drank for a day, two days, seven days, and even ten days in the past, but during all of those forays I knew I was going to break it, so the end was in sight, which made it unpleasant, but tolerable. It's a part of my personality- I'm a classic type A control freak workaholic child of alcoholic parents. But this time, I mean business, and there is no end in sight, but a revolution of thought brewing. I really need that surrender you're talking about; no matter how much I want to I cannot, cannot go back. There are late night Friday meetings where I am and I'm going to go to one tonight. Just thinking as much as I am while typing this has me pretty angry. It's so weird to be enraged, and thankful, and pensive at the same time.
Whew. Thanks for listening. I hope I made sense.
I've been reading that big book. Interesting how easy it is to intellectually understand something but to really own it is different. I really want it, though.
What my mind has been sniffing around is honesty. Boy oh boy. I haven't even been honest with myself about my dishonesty to others. In other words- denial. Letting go of that is really hard. For instance- While poisoning myself daily and nightly mostly in isolation, I've been very careful to uphold a totally different image to others. A lot of people have believed it. This, I think, has helped me to believe that I was doing ok. After all, alcohol nearly killed both of my parents, and certainly pickled my once beautiful, intelligent, self possessed mother. When others start to see it, you've lost. It's sick to me that this way of thinking is mine- hard to face it, hard to type it, and it's gonna be really hard to surrender it.
but it's none of my business what they thought. So lying is a real waste of time on top of everything else it is.
What is really different about this milestone, which I recognize is a small one- (I mean, ten days is nothing, really) is the intention. I am so very grateful for the clarity of my intention. I am not "bargaining" with myself, which is what made this challenging. I have not drank for a day, two days, seven days, and even ten days in the past, but during all of those forays I knew I was going to break it, so the end was in sight, which made it unpleasant, but tolerable. It's a part of my personality- I'm a classic type A control freak workaholic child of alcoholic parents. But this time, I mean business, and there is no end in sight, but a revolution of thought brewing. I really need that surrender you're talking about; no matter how much I want to I cannot, cannot go back. There are late night Friday meetings where I am and I'm going to go to one tonight. Just thinking as much as I am while typing this has me pretty angry. It's so weird to be enraged, and thankful, and pensive at the same time.
Whew. Thanks for listening. I hope I made sense.
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