findingthepath

so here I go, thanks in advance if you are listening. So I have been here a couple of times and it is always helpful. But I am still just sort of wandering around in nowhere land, or hangover land, full of confustion and some pretty huge emotional ups and downs. I not only have a problem with drugs and alchohol but also with being alone. So I met someone who was in the program and took me to a couple meetings. We worked out for a while, and it seemed good. Although, I lied to him. So, it wasn't good at all. I wasn't drinking, but I was still gettin high, alot. But he never asked, and he was hanging out all the time with ppl that drink etc. So, I thought it was cool (I think I knew better, but I felt justified or what the hell ever). Then blah blah blah, we started falling apart, I got way too trashed one night mixing whatever I had....and we broke up. I have no idea what happened, I don't remember even seeing him. But he came, and left, and of course wont speak to me. So, knowing that me having this problem and refusing to do somehting about it has resulted in yet another relationship failed (same thing happened with this guy like 3 times tho..cuz I clearly suck)...I think its a good idea to just throw down for the next few days....and so I spent the week in bed throwing up, crying, hurting myself, getting beaten up, and trying to get good and high to help the hangover so I can start drinking again and help it somemore. I mean, dang. I dont want to live like this, its so depressing. But I keep on. And I am terrified to do anything about it. But I want to, and so of course I should, or it would seem I don't really want to. I get that. I am a mother, and work with kids in my job. I want a regular life with the kids, cooking, and cleaning and playing......reading books.....not being found passed out in the floor with makeup smeared from the tears and rushing to get ready for the day. what fond childhood memories, I am robbing the greatest things in life from my own child. But all of those regular things.everything really just seems so empty and lifeless. I feel like a zombie who only comes back to life with a handle of whiskey and hand ful of whatever. I am scared. And alone at the moment, which is dangerous to my decision making, so I am here. I'm just scared. ?

Latte

Welcome back findingthepath. I'm glad you posted.

What is your next step? I found that meetings were a great way to start.

I hope you'll stick around, read and post some more.

coffeenut

Welcome. Keep reading. Keep posting.

Luckyv2

Thanks for your post and your thoughts.

I was listening and glad that you are here. It will continue being cloudy for a few months of being completely abstinent from alcohol and drugs. Not sure about the dating thing, I do what I am told so I am not allowed to be in a relationship for a few more months if I would even want one than.

Missy7

Welcome to SR. Do keep posting--more often than you have. And even more important, keep reading. I think you will need a plan. Can you get to some meetings?

Please keep us posted on your progress--and make sure that even if you can't quit immediately, you are making progress.

newwings

Welcome to SR, and thanks for sharing your story.

You said so many, many things that resonated with me. Back when I was drinking, I totally remember the feeling of being like a zombie that only came back to life when I was drinking. I'd convinced myself of it so thoroughly that it seemed like it was the ONLY way to get on with my day (especially as a mother). All I can now tell you is that is was the drinking that made me feel that way. It sucked every ounce of energy out of my life and took away any opportunity for me to branch out and experience life as it should be.

I also spent years wiping away tears and smudged makeup, hating who I was, feeling guilty as a mother/wife/friend/daughter, having drama after drama, lying to people, feeling like it was all just too much to handle. I just ended up at the point where I knew I had to get off the roller coaster, to find out if my life really WAS that miserable. I was pretty shocked to find it wasn't. It really wasn't. It was actually pretty pleasant.

That was 64 days ago. I know you can do this, you just have to set up the scenario just right for you to succeed. Do you have any plans for this? Just one step, that's all you need.

Hugs.

findingthepath

thanks...everybody. It does help to come here and read and read and read and read and read. I do need a plan, so, what is it? uuuhhhhh.....ummmm. well....stop drinking is first i guess. so far today, success. which feels good. and i have a copy of the book, so i have been reading that. the thought of going to a meeting alone makes me panic. literally. it feels like being called on in class as a kid, and being frozen. is that stupid or what? but im gonna go. i will admit i also worry about my job, i mean, what if someone sees me there? i said that to someone before and they said i must not be ready, peace. well, im ready to live life...not keep fighting it. and i know it is up to me. also, the whole progress not perfection thing kinda messes with me. like i said, so far today, no drinking. and no plans to drink. but drugs are a different story, im gettin high. but not drinking, so progress! see what i mean? its like a rationalization or justification for myself. my mind just doesnt stop, and neither does my body. i would love to go to sleep, but ive been sort of wandering around the house in a fog and thinking and thinking and thinking, and crying. i feel insane. really. but admittedly, slightly less insane than yesterday.

lushly

findingthepath. Thank you for posting. I was where you are at 52 days ago and ended up in the emergency room, because I truly believed I could not beat this thing. I have drank for 30 years. I drank all through my daughters' growing up, and I was beginning the second generation with my grandson. My children, now grown have problems due to my drinking. One daughter is a recovering alcoholic and the other has intimacy issues. Imagine that?
I also work with children in my career, so I relate to you, that anonymity is important. But for me my addiction was working on taking the last thing I has to give it. MY LIFE so... I am going to meetings and working a program. Today my grandson and I are going to the frog pool at the park and checking out some awesome flower beds. Mundane things, but they fill me with joy simply because I am doing them sober. Good Luck. I just wanted to share so that you know that you are not alone and that You Can Do this thing. (( ))s and love from the Lush.