sbernard

My husband recently returned from a 35 day rehab in Florida for cocaine. He insists on staying with his parents for the next couple of weeks instead of coming home. I have been blind sided by his decision. We talked the entire time he was in and everything was fine. He says he is having a hard time forgiving his self for what he did to me and the fincinal burden he has put me in. I love him and want him to come home so we can start our new life of recovery. He tells me that he doesn't like himself right now and he has to be happy and like his self to make me happy. Will someone please help me understand what is going on. I attend regular Al Anon meetings for comfort. But still am having a very hard time. I am leaving him alone and giving him his space like he asked. I am doomed or doing the right thing?

Babyblue

I think giving him time and space is the right thing. What he says sounds very plausible to me. I think recovery is about stressing honesty so he wants to reintegrate into his life with a full acceptance of what he has caused. That is probably an overwhelming feeling to live with early in sobriety.

Hopefully he is working towards something and not just putting something off. Time will tell.

dollydo

Thirty five days is only a drop in the bucket, he is still raw, he is not ready to deal with all the emotional issues of a relationship.

Give him all the space he needs, and, in the meantime, continue working on you.

His battle is a lifelong one, it is not easy, it is not simple, it is not quick.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

hello-kitty

Do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps?

sbernard

Yes...i am working the steps. I'm only on Step 1. I just recently started going I don't have a sponsor yet.

Freedom1990

Good for you on attending! Finding a sponsor to work those steps with me helped tremendously.

newnormal4me

Personally, your post hit me as positive. I can't imagine how hard it must be for both partners to handle this new territory. I agree with the others that he has to focus on himself at this moment until he gets stronger emotionally. It seems like a healthy move or at least an attempt towards a healthy move on his part.

Now, I say this with all respect to you in that I would be a bit freaked if it happened to me, and I can only imagine your reaction is probably normal! I know I would be feeling lots of hurt at that moment, I can say that with honesty. But what I can also say with honesty is that I can only wish at ever being in the shoes you are in. My AH has never one time sought any kind of rehab or help. I'd be over the moon if he ever did. So try and see the small blessings in this not so good feeling moment. I hope it all works out for you both. This recovery thing is a bear!

sbernard

Thank you.... i am beginning to understand a little more. I have been reading material and asking questions. He continues to keep in contact with me and tells me his misses me. Not like the first couple of days where it just seemed he was very angry. So i'm going to be patient and supportive because i want my husband home.

BeingStill

I, too, think this is positive. A good relationship requires TWO healthy people. You mention how you want him to come home so you can start your new life of recovery. The thing is, he needs HIS OWN recovery, and you need YOUR OWN recovery. Two strong people who can then come together to figure out how to coexist. Recovery is not a joint effort. Many couples don't have the luxury of getting separate time to work on themselves before coming together. By being physically separated, this extends the recovery environment. And the more time he spends in a recovery environment the better.

I say this with all respect, but his recovery is not about you. It's about him. That's the way it needs to be. That's the only way it will work. The only recovery that's about you is your own recovery.

I think this is a positive, wonderful opportunity to work your own program. Go to meetings. Gather tools. Read. Learn. Share. Basically, get busy getting strong while he's busy getting strong. That's the best fighting chance your marriage has.

TD252

sbernard,

My wife came home after 8 weeks inpatient and is still in day treatment for another week. I think it would have been better if she had just stayed inpatient. In many ways our life is the same (or even worse) as it was when she was using.

Just don't think that his coming home will cure everything.