siblings

Old 06-22-2011, 10:29 AM
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siblings

my AS is the oldest of four, he has been an addict for the last seven years, he is 25. His brothers are 19 and 17 and I also have a daughter who is 23. The 19 year old goes to school out of state on a track scholarship, my daughter will be going off to med school next month and the youngest is doing very well in school and was elected senior class president ... They all love their brother very much but when he is in his addiction no one talks to him and he pretty much avoids them too. He has stolen from both brothers at different times. they each have forgiven him but the damage has been done to the relationships. I've talked to the kids about counseling but not a one of them wants to go or even thinks it is necessary. The only one left here is the youngest and actually he's the one I probably worry about the most. He was always the closest to his brother. One of my biggest heartaches has been watching the oldest fall from grace ... the younger ones used to idolize him. He was the coolest, smartest big brother ever .... that has all changed. Should I push the issue of counseling and nar anon?
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:53 AM
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Hi tinks,

It is soooo hard to see how addiction affects all the children in the family. My stepdaughter will not speak her brother, my A stepson. Although Mr. HG and I grieve for the damage done to this relationship (and with his half-brothers as well). Sadly, there is nothing we can do to change it.

We hope and pray that someday 1) A stepson will seek recovery and 2) these relationships will be healed.

You and your family will be in my prayers, HG
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Old 06-23-2011, 05:53 AM
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Tinks65
One of the things I have learned in the process of my own recovery is that I cannot be the guardian of the relationships between two other people. I also have a daughter who does not talk to her brother due to the behaviors associated with his addiction. It is sad. She has dealt with her brother's addiction in a much healthier manner than I have and I have respected her right to seek counseling or not. Her choice.

I think if you've put the offer/suggestion for them to seek counseling......the ball is now in their court.

The best thing we can do for our healthy and for our addicted children is to be healthy ourselves. I'm working on that.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-23-2011, 07:10 AM
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Tinks~

I can relate to your post completely. I have the same situation in my life. I have come to understand, like Kindeyes, that I cannot try to heal the relationships between two other people. As a mom, it is painful for me to see the division between siblings. But my kids are not little children anymore, and my ability to tell them what to do has disappeared. (I have teens and 20somethings.)

There is one sibling relationship in particular that is very strained, and I used to try to "fix" it. And like all good codependents, it was easy for me to justify my helping. One important thing I have learned in the Program is that the tools I use to deal with my RAS are the same tools I need when dealing with anyone. Including my other kids. Due to this Program, I am a way better mom to my other kids than I was to my oldest.

And because of this Program, I understand that when I try to act as advocate between my kids, I'm really trying to manage and control. And that brings me back to Step One, which is admitting that I am powerless, not only over drugs, but over people. And I'm not just powerless over my RAS; I'm powerless over ALL people, including my other kids.

So, I let them know I will pay for counseling if they so choose. I let them know about groups for siblings. I let them know I am willing to listen if they need to talk. But I no longer tell them what they "should" be doing. I show them by example that there is healing available. They watch me go to meetings. They watch me take calls when someone needs to reach out. They see how much less "involved" I am in everyone else's business. One day, if their lives become unmanageable, I can only hope and pray that they will seek their own recovery. But recovery is such a personal thing, and there is nothing I can do to control their thinking.

There are consequences to drug/alcohol abuse that go beyond physical damage to the addict. Some of those consequences have to do with falling from grace. That is for the addict to address. Addiction is a family disease, and there are casualties. And sometimes damaged relationships are not fixable. That's part of the collateral damage. And that's okay. Sad, but okay.

I guess the important part I try to remember with my kids is that their relationship with their RA sibling is not the measure of their mental/emotional health. Families are put together by circumstance. If my kids encountered a friend/bf/gf who became an addict, my advice to them would be very different from the advice I had been giving them about their brother. I wouldn't worry about the break in the relationship, but rather I'd be supporting it. But as a mom, I want to have one big happy family. And when I forget that my kids have the right to make their own decisions, then I get into trouble.

My other children are not addicts, and they are doing amazingly well in school and in the real world. Some avoid my RAS, some do not. But that's THEIR choice. It's not for me to decide whether they're "okay" or not. Or whether they need "help" or not. That's for THEM to decide. I learned to stop measuring their well-being on whether or not they had a working relationship with their brother. Just because they limit their relationship with their brother doesn't mean they're troubled. In fact, it could be demonstrating their ability to draw personal boundaries and stick to them. And that's healthy.

Step One reminds me that I am powerless over ALL my children. Even the ones who are doing great. I give them the dignity to make their own choices. Presumptuous codependent me needs to back off.

Stay strong! :-)
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Old 06-23-2011, 07:42 AM
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thanks so much for the wisdom ... I will not push, on the surface they seem to be handling it well so i guess I will not worry. Everyone else in the family just disconnects from AS and I am the one left with decisions, it's always been that way. Whenever something needs to be done I am the one who decides. When he was in jail I encouraged them to visit and it took months for the youngest to do it but when he did it was good. I guess I will continue to gently encourage and leave their decisions up to them. Their brother is in recovery today and I know if he continues to work the program he will eventually reach out to them ... or at least I pray he will. Personally I have told him that I will always love him and as long as he is walking towards sobriety I will help as much as I can in a healthy way, hopefully the kids will grasp that as well.

One thing I have learned with this recent relapse is how hard living here was on him. After he relapsed while we were trying to figure out what to do as far as rehabs and what not. He and I were talking and he said " I feel like a piece of $%## living here" I told him that no one here thinks that about him and even though I think deep down he knows that, he is battling his own remorse and living with the consequences of his addiction and it's hard not to compare himself with his siblings. I never really thought about the ongoing effect with him. I can see already how good the SLE has been for him. Even though his life has gotten exponentially more difficult in all areas now that he is out of the house. I sense a real feeling of accomplishment from him and a new found confidence. For now that is good and I will be grateful for each day he chooses to call and share his life in recovery with me.
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