First time posting

Old 06-22-2011, 08:19 AM
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First time posting

Hello everyone, this is my first post and I am not really sure if this is the right board to post but maybe some of you could point me in the right direction or possibly give me some insight or understanding. I will probably ramble some as my thoughts go from one extreme to another. My husband has been in pain management for about 8 years now and he has had 4 back operations and 2 total knee replacements. He hurt his back many years ago and I have seen my vibrant, outgoing, fun loving husband basically turn into a shell of his former self. He just had his last back surgery a few weeks ago. Anyway, I know that he is in pain and sometimes I do not understand how much pain but I do know that my husband has a problem with his pain meds. I don't know how much of his pain is mental or physical because he has been on such strong meds for so long, I don’t even think that he knows what his true pain level is as it has been masked for so many years. I have seen him abuse his pills. I have seen him from time to time nodding off, being stoned, looking into his glassy glazy eyes, all the terrible things that no wife really wants to see and of course I have argued, yelled, cried, screamed, you name it about his abuse of the pills. I am totally codependent and I know that I have to change my behavior and that I cannot change his and I cannot fix this.

I typically hold his meds as he will run out by the end of the month. We have argued because he will come to me some of the days of the month for just one more pill and says he will make up for it at the end of the month by taking less, it is a vicious cycle. My hope and prayer is that this last operation worked and he is able to come off of the pills, which he says he will be off of by the end of the year but of course, I have heard this song and dance before only to be disappointed again.

I am writing here today because I am just so darn frustrated because he does not see that he has a problem. He just says that I don't understand what it is like to live in pain every day and that I cannot understand as I don't walk in his shoes. He claims he does not have a problem and that he is going to get off of the pills, blah blah blah. So he went to pain mgmt. the other day and not only did the doctor give him his regular prescription for fentanyl, morphine & lyrica, but he also gave him an additional script for Oxys because the oral fentanyl he has been taking for a few years was not supposed to be covered by his insurance anymore so in case his insurance would not cover it at the pharmacy, he gave him Oxy's right there in the office just in case. The fentanyl is filled by the pharmacy but the doctor gives him his other pills right there in the office. So now not only does he have his regular stuff he has Oxy's. He claims that he will hold on to them until next month when he sees the doctor because most likely the insurance co. will not cover his fentanyl next month and he will have to start taking the Oxys. instead.

Normally he gives me all of his pills to dish out every day and when he handed me the bag of meds some of the oxy's were missing so of course an argument started, and of course, no one really won the argument as there is no arguing with someone who is obviously under the influence, as he had the glassy, glazy look and it was obvious that he had already taken something extra as soon as he got it filled. So I just walked away with the medicine bag that he gave me and just gave up arguing for the night. He of course just went outside to smoke a cigarette (he does not smoke in the house) and proceeded to nod off in the chair outside and then came into the house about 2 hours later and passed out in the bed.

Gosh I know that I am rambling. I am at work right now falling to pieces, trying to put on my fake brave face that everything is fine but inside I am dying. I know that my marriage is in deep trouble after 25 years and I don't know how much more I can take. I am afraid for my husband, we have had numerous fights and discussions over the last 8 years about his pain pills and how it is destroying our lives. I don't want to see my husband in pain but I also don't want to see him stoned. How can there be a balance, I don’t know. It is not a daily occurrence, it comes in cycles, he will be fine for a week or two taking the pills as prescribed and then he will have a day or two where it is obvious that he took more than he should, he claims it is no different than going out with the guys and having a few beers every so often (yeah right). Anyway I had to put some of my thoughts down as I don't really know what to do or where to turn at this point. Thanks for listening to the codependent wife.
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Old 06-22-2011, 08:48 AM
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Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us....but, as always, I'm so sorry for the reasons that bring you here.

There is good news. This is a really awesome forum with a lot of collective wisdom. It's nice to finally realize that you are not alone and there are so many of "us" out there.

Your post makes two things pretty clear. You recognize that he has a problem. You recognize that you have a problem. And he is in denial. That is the reality that many of us deal with. And there's nothing that we can do or say that will wake them up or change their minds. So we have to ask ourselves......why do I keep beating my head against the same wall.........I'm getting a headache!

It is OUR pain that finally brings us to the point that we say "enough is enough". Now that doesn't necessarily mean that we walk away from our addicted loved one but it is the door that opens up for US to search for a way to stop our suffering.....whether our loved one continues to use or not. It is possible.

Others will be along soon to welcome you. In the meantime, if you haven't already, the stickie posts at the top of this forum are a great source of information. Personally, I have found tremendous relief in Alanon and Naranon.

Gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-22-2011, 09:39 AM
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Hi and welcome. Your tragic story touches a soft spot with me as I have recently gone through surgery and have been living with pain for a couple months now. Hard to know what to do about it - there's a a fine line between pain management, physical dependence and addiction and once you cross that line, it's hard to cross back. Not impossible. But nearly.

There are many tragic stories here. All of them are unique but they all have a very common thread - WE are unhappy. WE need to make changes in our lives because WE cannot make the addict change who they are and what they are doing.

Have you heard of Alanon? It's a face to face support group that may be very helpful for you.
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:28 AM
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I have heard of Alanon. I am going to start reading all that I can about codependence to try and help myself at this point because I am falling to pieces every time there is an episode of him taking too much and acting stupid or nodding which seems to occur like once every 2 or 3 weeks. It is so hard because I do think he does have pain, and his doctors all say to me that he will be living with pain for the rest of his life and will be on some sort of pain pill, but how is he going to balance it all or can it even be balanced with pain pills. I don’t know. Thank you listening.
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Old 06-22-2011, 04:27 PM
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Originally Posted by PPA1048 View Post
I have heard of Alanon. I am going to start reading all that I can about codependence to try and help myself at this point because I am falling to pieces every time there is an episode of him taking too much and acting stupid or nodding which seems to occur like once every 2 or 3 weeks. It is so hard because I do think he does have pain, and his doctors all say to me that he will be living with pain for the rest of his life and will be on some sort of pain pill, but how is he going to balance it all or can it even be balanced with pain pills. I don’t know. Thank you listening.
I am so sorry for your situation that brought you here, but I am glad you found us.

I am a recovering codependent/addict/alcoholic.

I live with chronic pain due to degenerative disc disease and spinal stenosis.

I also see a pain management specialist, one who does the injections into my tailbone area to knock out the sciatica.

I am honest with all my doctors, and there is a host of medications I will not take-oxycontin, percocet, morphine, etc.

I also have a 33-year-old daughter in active addiction.

Please do consider giving Alanon a try. It's been a lifesaver for me.

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie would be a good starter book for you. I have it on hand and refer to it often.

I hope you continue to post, and know you are among friends, okay?
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Old 06-23-2011, 09:30 AM
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Thank you all for your replies. I am a newbie and I am trying to pull my head out of the sand. I am basically taking one step at a time, trying not to fall to pieces every moment of the day. Actually, I don't fall to pieces every day, it is just when he has an episode every few weeks. So I am trying to squeeze in some learning time right now. For many years the main focus in my life has been his health and getting him better, and of course he just had surgery 2 weeks ago so that still remains a big part of my focus, but I also need to start focusing on myself, and figuring out how to deal with the whole situation and where my head needs to be. I have lost who I am, as my focus has been on him for so long.
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