How to win back trust
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Durban, South-Africa
Posts: 50
How to win back trust
I let down my wife by relapsing a couple of days ago. I have delt with my own short commings and have started my recovery and sobriaty and im feeling good. My problem is my wife is un decided on whether to terminate the marrage due to the following:
1) Misstrust is a big issue as she does not believe recovery is possible
2) Dissapointment - she is tired of me "falling down" and does not believe me although this time I KNOW it will never happen again
3) She said that "there are no consequences to my actions" in her mind as she said that the next time [I] relapse will be the last time she hangs around.
4) I accept step 1 of AA now and attend meetings.
I problem is that I need to show her im changed BUT think its too late this time.
Any advice on winning her heart back would be most welcome.
1) Misstrust is a big issue as she does not believe recovery is possible
2) Dissapointment - she is tired of me "falling down" and does not believe me although this time I KNOW it will never happen again
3) She said that "there are no consequences to my actions" in her mind as she said that the next time [I] relapse will be the last time she hangs around.
4) I accept step 1 of AA now and attend meetings.
I problem is that I need to show her im changed BUT think its too late this time.
Any advice on winning her heart back would be most welcome.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
I am in your wifes position right now. My husband is in early recovery. Please encourage her to go to Alanon. As for what you can do, work on your own recovery and that will in turn make you more accountable to yourself and to her. She will see over time. There is no quick fix, unfortunately damage has been done but that can be healed with hard work and time...Do not give up!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
And even with doing the right thing, she may decide she is done. You can't control that, and she has the right and obligation to do what's best for her.
You have the right and obligation to do what's best for YOU, which is to continue your recovery regardless of what she does. Only time will tell what happens with your relationship. As long as you are hanging your sobriety on the relationship, both are likely to be on shaky ground.
You have the right and obligation to do what's best for YOU, which is to continue your recovery regardless of what she does. Only time will tell what happens with your relationship. As long as you are hanging your sobriety on the relationship, both are likely to be on shaky ground.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Oh, recovery is most definitely possible. The problem is willingness. Acceptance (step one) is not willingness. I know both of these things.
I have no advice on how to win her heart back. I know neither of you personally and you are assuming that you have lost her heart, which if that were true, she'd already be gone.
Now is the time to move. You have a gift. You know now that you will lose her if you continue on this path. The 12 steps can get you recovered, but it's all about you, not her. You attend meetings, GREAT! Now.... Have you a copy of the Big Book? Are you looking for a sponsor? ... these are the things you must do if you are going to be successful in AA.
Do the work and the rest will come, God willing.
I have no advice on how to win her heart back. I know neither of you personally and you are assuming that you have lost her heart, which if that were true, she'd already be gone.
Now is the time to move. You have a gift. You know now that you will lose her if you continue on this path. The 12 steps can get you recovered, but it's all about you, not her. You attend meetings, GREAT! Now.... Have you a copy of the Big Book? Are you looking for a sponsor? ... these are the things you must do if you are going to be successful in AA.
Do the work and the rest will come, God willing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Change...
I went to AA, did what they said, worked the steps which promised a drastic personality change...few months later i was saying, thinking, believing things i would never have before...people said it was like being with a different person...could i have done this by myself, of course not! If i could have done that i would have done it years ago, it wasn't through lack of trying...
Most people clean up and don't change...simple as that...that's why most people don't believe that alcoholics or addicts can change, they aren't wrong all they are doing is judging the majority like we all do to some extent...
If you go back so the work as it says in every single meeting, is read out at every single meetings and posters are on the wall to remind us then you will change too:-)
I went to AA, did what they said, worked the steps which promised a drastic personality change...few months later i was saying, thinking, believing things i would never have before...people said it was like being with a different person...could i have done this by myself, of course not! If i could have done that i would have done it years ago, it wasn't through lack of trying...
Most people clean up and don't change...simple as that...that's why most people don't believe that alcoholics or addicts can change, they aren't wrong all they are doing is judging the majority like we all do to some extent...
If you go back so the work as it says in every single meeting, is read out at every single meetings and posters are on the wall to remind us then you will change too:-)
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 2
It takes a long time to earn back trust. Like Anna says Time and Patience. Because it's frustrating when you know you're trying and you know in your heart you intentions but no one else sees it or believes it. Keep moving though and you'll begin to produce some positive fruit.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
We are not judged by our intentions, we are judged by our actions. I imagine this isn't the first time you have relapsed. My guess is that your wife is judging by years and years of behaviors.
Is your focus on winning back your wife's trust? Or is your focus on your own permanent recovery? If your goal is to win back your wife's trust, what happens when you have achieved that goal? Do you go back to drinking?
Your marriage may or may not survive. I don't know you or your wife. What I do know is that if you are going to stop drinking, it has to be for yourself and no one else.
Susan
Is your focus on winning back your wife's trust? Or is your focus on your own permanent recovery? If your goal is to win back your wife's trust, what happens when you have achieved that goal? Do you go back to drinking?
Your marriage may or may not survive. I don't know you or your wife. What I do know is that if you are going to stop drinking, it has to be for yourself and no one else.
Susan
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,344
I really agree with the idea you don't win it back - you re-earn it.
It was hard for me - I was starting a great new sober life and I wanted all the people I'd hurt to see those changes and appreciate them and love me again - right now...but it doesn't work like that.
I don't get to set other peoples timetables.
I'd spoken a lot about change in the past, and then not changed. I'd told people I loved them and then hurt them.
Actions really do speak louder than words here - when people believe in the changes they're seeing in us, whenever that moment is, that's the moment when people may decide to trust you again.
Just keep working on yourself and everything should fall into place
I know it's hard to have that kind of faith, but it really did work like that for me....
D
It was hard for me - I was starting a great new sober life and I wanted all the people I'd hurt to see those changes and appreciate them and love me again - right now...but it doesn't work like that.
I don't get to set other peoples timetables.
I'd spoken a lot about change in the past, and then not changed. I'd told people I loved them and then hurt them.
Actions really do speak louder than words here - when people believe in the changes they're seeing in us, whenever that moment is, that's the moment when people may decide to trust you again.
Just keep working on yourself and everything should fall into place
I know it's hard to have that kind of faith, but it really did work like that for me....
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Middletown, N.J.
Posts: 53
Originally Posted by susanlauren 
What I do know is that if you are going to stop drinking, it has to be for yourself and no one else.
Susan
Susan
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Raptor
I need to show her im changed...
When does she get "served" attention concerning things she wants to accomplish in her life?
People don't really care...unless they KNOW that you care...love is something that is done not in word...but in deed.
I'd highly recommend serving and lifting her up...she'll enjoy the help, and it'll help get you off your mind since it's not all about you.
This should be done whether she decides to go forward with the divorce or not because she is a human being that has gone through alot (as we all have)...she probably is ready to see some stuff done for her...
Abnormally normal
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
Raptor, I was in your shoes in my relationship.
What we do as alcoholics is slowly chip away at the trust our partners trust in us to take care of.
What hurts for them is knowing the person we really are. Wanting and yearning for the person they fell in love with to wake up and come back to them. They want it so bad that they really want to believe that our "last time" really is. But everytime we pick up that drink, we crush them.
A series of emtions run through them. While we're drinking ourselves stupid, their feelings are undoubtably real. And there's only so much a person can take before they can't anymore.
My BF's eyes were once full of love, trust and respect. My drinking slowly turned them into disappointment, hurt, and disgust. Eventually, no emotion was visible. Just empty. Nothing left in them.
Everytime I said I was done and that I knew and promised that this time was the time, I was being so selfish and unfair to him. I knew deep inside I wasn't done or even ready to be. I wanted sooo bad to be done with alcohol, but unfortunately, our loved ones don't see or care about our intentions. Just what we do and how it affects the people around us.
If you truly want to get and stay sober, your reason can't be to make her stay.
It has to be for you. What you can do is see her wanting to leave as reason to see yourself as what you've become because of your addiction. See through her eyes what she sees in you as an addict. But really see. Im most certain you're not gonna like what you see.
I say this, because for me, him wanting to leave wasn't my bottom, but it pushed me to it. I had to take a long hard look at who I was as an active alcoholic. It made me realize the person I had become. The partner I had become and the mother I had become. I saw, finally, that I was the reason for my family's unhappiness and why we were falling apart. I knew it was happening, but I was so caught up in my drinking to really see.
If you know, where it's almost like a light bulb went off and drinking no longer is an option and accept it, then already you've made the biggest step in your sobriety. As far as gaining
her trust back, only time will tell. It's not something bought because of what you say. Just as many times as you disappointed her, its going to take probably double that for her to feel confident enough to give it to you again.
But one thing that I will say is, if you haven't accepted no more alcohol ever in your life, then you have to give her what she needs and let her go. It's not fair to her to string her along. She's going to end up hating and resenting you.
I got sober, he stayed.
But it's been 7 months and we're still working on our relationship and slowly building and patching the foundation we once had.
My addiction hit our home like a tornado. And just like things that get destroyed, it takes alot of time, patience, hard work and understanding to get things flowing again.
I truly wish you all the best in your life and in your relationship Raptor.
Lots of hugs!
What we do as alcoholics is slowly chip away at the trust our partners trust in us to take care of.
What hurts for them is knowing the person we really are. Wanting and yearning for the person they fell in love with to wake up and come back to them. They want it so bad that they really want to believe that our "last time" really is. But everytime we pick up that drink, we crush them.
A series of emtions run through them. While we're drinking ourselves stupid, their feelings are undoubtably real. And there's only so much a person can take before they can't anymore.
My BF's eyes were once full of love, trust and respect. My drinking slowly turned them into disappointment, hurt, and disgust. Eventually, no emotion was visible. Just empty. Nothing left in them.
Everytime I said I was done and that I knew and promised that this time was the time, I was being so selfish and unfair to him. I knew deep inside I wasn't done or even ready to be. I wanted sooo bad to be done with alcohol, but unfortunately, our loved ones don't see or care about our intentions. Just what we do and how it affects the people around us.
If you truly want to get and stay sober, your reason can't be to make her stay.
It has to be for you. What you can do is see her wanting to leave as reason to see yourself as what you've become because of your addiction. See through her eyes what she sees in you as an addict. But really see. Im most certain you're not gonna like what you see.
I say this, because for me, him wanting to leave wasn't my bottom, but it pushed me to it. I had to take a long hard look at who I was as an active alcoholic. It made me realize the person I had become. The partner I had become and the mother I had become. I saw, finally, that I was the reason for my family's unhappiness and why we were falling apart. I knew it was happening, but I was so caught up in my drinking to really see.
If you know, where it's almost like a light bulb went off and drinking no longer is an option and accept it, then already you've made the biggest step in your sobriety. As far as gaining
her trust back, only time will tell. It's not something bought because of what you say. Just as many times as you disappointed her, its going to take probably double that for her to feel confident enough to give it to you again.
But one thing that I will say is, if you haven't accepted no more alcohol ever in your life, then you have to give her what she needs and let her go. It's not fair to her to string her along. She's going to end up hating and resenting you.
I got sober, he stayed.
But it's been 7 months and we're still working on our relationship and slowly building and patching the foundation we once had.
My addiction hit our home like a tornado. And just like things that get destroyed, it takes alot of time, patience, hard work and understanding to get things flowing again.
I truly wish you all the best in your life and in your relationship Raptor.
Lots of hugs!
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Raptor
Any advice on winning her heart back would be most welcome.
Be where you say you will be on time.
Pay all your debts.
Make all your amends.
Act responsible most of the time.
Be reliable all of the time.
Sooner or later other people will recognize these are not the traits of and alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,902
It sucks, but I don't know of anything you can do to win her heart back. There is no quick fix. It's possible to regain someone's trust, but that takes time, and she decides how much time it takes, not you. And one of her options is never.
You have to get sober and stay sober for you, it's your recovery, not hers. If you have a Big Book, you could read one of my favorite paragraphs on page 417 And acceptance is the answer . . . That helps me.
Go to AA meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps. In my opinion, it's your best shot at winning back her heart.
You have to get sober and stay sober for you, it's your recovery, not hers. If you have a Big Book, you could read one of my favorite paragraphs on page 417 And acceptance is the answer . . . That helps me.
Go to AA meetings, get a sponsor and work the steps. In my opinion, it's your best shot at winning back her heart.
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