LS2

I messed up BIG time. The kids and I moved out of the house to our tiny apt and exA moved into the house. After that things just went sooo low for me, my kids hate it here...I hate it here. I let exA take the kids on the weekend...

...soo I was hanging out at the town celebration thingy's beer gardens and things just didn't go well. Then he (exA) takes them this past weekend and i was asked on a date..from the stupid cop in town. Turned out to be a weekend of crazy drinking..It went from a movie date to endless drinks..to many regrets.

I still have the restraining order on him but I wanted it modified so we can talk about the kids. So I turned that paper in and thought it was active right away but we have to see the judge first on July 7th. So stupid me go on texting/calling about the kids..which lead to talking about other things..which lead to me feeling like I want him back!!

He sounds like he is doing so well. He's respectful to me. He admits it's all his fault and he needs to change himself and quit blaming others for the problems he has...He's all the good stuff...I want to be with him again..but feel like its so wrong..because I searched out so much support and help from others and then just to go back?! I mean I don't care what others think..but if he is willing to put forth the effort...

My best friend says to go for it. She went through something similar and they are going strong.

I almost signed the papers to have it dismissed but I didn't and the court admin lady said it would be wise to go over it with the domestic abuse first.

I don't know what to do..because I want him back...

In need of a reality check. asap.

Serenity8

I would never tell anyone what to do... but I'm curious if he's in active recovery? If he's not, can you go back to the way things were?

LexieCat

Bad idea to be communicating with the RO still in place. Modify it or dismiss it if you want to, but if something happens, you are weakening your position by calling/texting him.

Sounds to me like you are uncomfortable with the changes, and reacting to that. I wouldn't be in too big a rush to go back if I were you. Not that you never can, but if all you are doing is running back to the comfort of the familiar, nothing has really changed. I'd suggest giving it some time.

What else are you doing for yourself, besides hanging out and drinking and hooking up with people to stave off loneliness? Are you going to meetings? Working on your own recovery?

dollydo

Can't say what you should do, to me, it sounds like you are going thru a wave of remorse. One of the keys is that he says "He needs to change" me, I wouldn't reconcile until I know for sure that the change has taken place.

What are you doing for your recovery? In order for the relationship to change, you both, must change.

Take care,

Freedom1990

Talk is cheap.

You have a restraining order on him for a reason.

He's thrown out the fishing line, waiting for you to take the bait.

Personally I'd throw the bait back in the boat with him.

seekingcalm

As I have read from the wise folks here many times...wait, breathe, more will be revealed.

If your A walks the talk, down the road you can make different decisions, but you left for a reason, and words don't change that. Of course this is hard, for you and the kids. But see it through.

I am living in the tiniest place I ever have, and my ex is still in our lovely home with the built in pool. And it's been over a year, and my kids LOVE my little place. They love it because it is a calm place, filled with love and not a drop of tension. That's what makes a home. Make one for your self and for your children. Enjoy the feeling of coming home to your sanctuary, where you are the only one to answer to. Leave the craziness behind and embrace this time. Do something for you, get to know yourself. I took a long break from relationships, and I had a great time getting to know me.

When it hurts, let it hurt...it will stop, and you will be stronger, I promise.

Hugs to you, hang in there.

breakingglass

you may just feel vulnerable right now. change is hard and leaning towards the familiar is so easy, but not always the answer. maybe you should sit down and sketch out on a piece of paper two columns, one for any positive reasons to go back and the other for all the reasons not to....then weigh them out. in the end, do what is best for you and your kids.

the heart is a powerful weapon and i often use my own against myself!

StarCat

They don't give out restraining orders like trick-or-treat candy.
They gave it to you for a reason.

Talking is easy for him to do. I believed my XABF so many times, and it kept me stuck.
Actions are the important things. Have you seen any of those?

pixilation

And do not, do NOT go on anymore dates, I know you're lonely, but take some time to figure out who you are first, in most cases counselors/therapists recommend at least a year. Especially with cases of abuse.

Have you asked anyone who else can be the go to person between you and your husband.

Thumper

I re-read some of your old posts and I wanted to copy/paste so many things for you.

It is hard to be lonely. It is hard to feel uncertain. It is hard to not be able to see the future. You can get through this. Count on yourself and meet your own needs. Figure that out and you'll giving yourself such a gift - one that will last a lifetime. This will put you in a place to make decisions based on what you know/feel is in your own best interest, not decisions based on fear or loneliness.

Reading my past posts/threads always did a fantastic job of reminding me of reality.

Tuffgirl

Well said! I may not be in a tiny place - I am actually in the nicest place I have been able to afford so far, but it wasn't what we had imagined. Still, my girls are so much happier because they know what to expect. Things are peaceful. We don't have the chaos anymore. But the change itself was hard to go through. I still have huge moments of doubt. I still feel a bit surreal in the new place, sounds, neighbors, routines. Like I am living outside of myself and observing from a distance.

My therapist said just yesterday in reference to new relationships... "don't be afraid to put a little stress on a new relationship to give it a test". I am saying this because maybe you need to scratch the surface of your relationship and see what happens. See if you can peer a bit deeper than just shuttling the kids back and forth.

My RAH talks really, really well. Like he is Mr. Recovery Man. Scratch that surface, or try to get him to put his words into action and *POOF* out comes Mr. Dry Drunk. Who knows why...maybe it is still too early for him to "get it"...that there is more to recovery than saying all the right words. Maybe he will never get it. Maybe he needs more time. Again, who knows. But I can assure you I am moving forward with my life regardless.

As seekingcalm says here - wait, breath, more to be revealed. Remember - you can do something for 12 hours that would appall you if you had to keep it up for a lifetime.

marie1960

I truly do not understand why the rush??? Just my opinion, seems as if you want to run into a burning building. Pretty sure the events that led you to file the restraining order have not been resolved. Please slow down take some time for you and your children. Instant gratification has zero rewards. best of luck

LS2

I am doing NOTHING for recovery...this is what happens..I'm a crabby angry momma.

No therapy. No meetings.No reading on here... What you are all saying is true. I need this. and I need it now!!

I just pulled out my "Why does he do that?" book...better get re-reading.

I seriously feel like the worst mom ever. Someone just needs to slap me.

Here is to no more regrets..I need to move forward..

LS2

Thanks, I feel just horrible..its my fault. I'm so irritable all the time and it makes the kids act out more..After my kids got back from the visit, my daughter told me (she is only 4)..screaming that "Mommy this is your fault, I hate you!, you make me so angry and that is why I am hitting you!"

I cried and cried. and called their dad to ask him what in the world did you tell these children. Well it seems like he is using the kids in some way to get information. and he told my daughter that he misses me. COME ON...ugh.

I don't want to date. Or be with anyone it was just a random act that happened in the course of two weeks...I have never been without a guy since the age of like 15..I'm way to codependent on men.

LS2

Thanks everyone I appreciate the honest answers and it is what I need! I was doing so well until this happened.. :/

LexieCat

OK, now calm down and breathe. You aren't the most horrible mom in the world. Kids do, however, sense fear and loneliness and it probably makes them feel insecure and unprotected.

The best thing for the kiddos is for mom to learn to be happy in her own skin. When mom is happy, the kids will start feeling safe and secure, regardless of where they live.

Start taking good care of yourself. Put on your own oxygen mask first, and then you will be in a much better position to take care of the kids.

dollydo

If you take care of yourself, you will be more at peace and so will your children. To me, it sounds like your stomping around the house saying how you hate where you live, you hate your life, well if so, your children hear you loud and clear, and they will repeat what you say, whether they really feel that way or not. You are projecting ideas into their heads, children are like sponges, they absorb everything.

Go to meetings, read Codependent No More. Snoop around your area see what fun things that you can do with your children. Work on turning your attitude around.

Having a man is not the fix all, happiness comes from the inside out. We women of today are strong and can survive without a man. I am on a man diet, and am the happiest I have been in years, my life is wonderful, because I deem it to be. Who knows, someday, I might find a guy I would like to spend some time with, but today, I am not looking.

You are not a bad mom, you just need some redirection, some support, meetings are great for that.

Hugs,

seekingcalm

LS2, I hope you are feeling better today.

You know what you need to do...focus on you and your recovery, and things will get better.

Lexiecat said it very well...take care of you and your children will do well as a result. If you are calm and happy, they will be too, you'll see

Have some fun with your children...my daughter is 17, and she loves breakfast for dinner. Pancakes and bacon and orange juice for dinner! Just changing the routine a bit is freeing. Enjoy, they grow up so fast.

zanido1991

My sister was married to an A and she had three children with him. When she FINALLY left him, the kids were 10, 8, and 2. They are now 20, 18, and 13. At first they were angry with her and didn't understand why their family was breaking up, especially the older ones. It took a long time for them to adjust to the changes. My sister was able to stay friendly with the father, even though he was an A and abusive to her (not the kids), but that took about a year to form a friendship after she left. He called, begged, cried, said he would get help, but she did not give in. After many years, he went to anger management after abusing his GF at the time and has gotten control of his abusiveness, but is still an A. Her kids now admire and adore my sister because they can see as adults how hard it was for her to leave and struggle to make a home on her own the way she did. They are all well-adjusted and the older two are attending college. Basically -- it may not seem what you are doing is right, and your situation is probably not exactly the same, but I encourage you not to give into the guilt you probably bear from taking your children away from their father. It is up to him to make a good relationship with them. Also, model good behaviors for your children. They are watching you and waiting to see what is going to happen. Try to look at the positives of making the move, and I know there are some or you wouldn't have made it. :-) You deserve love and respect and the first step is to love and respect yourself. Trust in yourself and your ability to make a good home for you and your children. Seek support from adult friends and family. My sister had me. I was always there for her. When she needed to talk, cry, or scream her kids never knew she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown sometimes, but in the end she did not break down and she is loved and respected for who she is! Stay strong.

Thumper

Zanido,

I am not the OP but I wanted to thank you for your post. It has certainly touched me and I really appreciate it.