Hi, new here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 26
Hi, new here
after lurking around for a while on these boards (and recognizing so many things) i decided to join and maybe get a little support. there seem to be a lot of nice folks on here.
i'm 30 and i've been drinking pretty hard for about 8, 9 years. beer, exclusively. i never dare to touch the harder stuff, because i know my drinking is pretty much out of control and it would get worse with booze.
i get hammered 2 or 3 times a week (although 4 times hasn't been uncommon). i've gone through periods of sobriety but they never lasted longer than a few weeks. i've succesfully moderated my drinking for a while but i always get sucked back in to the routine circle of drinking / hungover / feel good / drinking eventually.
when i drink, i drink until i can't have another sip. i've always had this tendency as far as i can remember, even when i was younger. alcohol is just always on my mind. however, i don't get violent, i never pass out, i don't do stupid things when i'm drunk. a few blackouts here and there and maybe an email that i will regret the next day but nothing major. i eat healthy. i work as a freelancing musician, and i know i would work more & better if i weren't hungover so often, but i still do work. meet people, play shows, win jobs occasionally. i'm just fed up with alcohol being a leitmotiv in my life. and i just feel very depressed and afraid to think about a life where this habit will persist, or worse, run out of hand.
my main concern is my health, basically. i just get paranoid even reading the word 'deliver', because 'liver' is in it. which sounds a bit comical i know, but it's probably a sign..
i love being sober, even after a few days i already feel the positive effects. i'm at ease, my mind is calm, energy, no depression, seem to enjoy things more. the bad news is that i love being drunk just as much. for some reason being sober is never enough for me, i always seem to need to top it with the euforic state that alcohol (temporarily) brings me in. no sobriety can ever give me what alcohol gives me and the other way around. i just love both.
i never crave alcohol really - i usually just start drinking because i already feel good and just want more.
well, i'm aware this all is nothing new.. but this is actually the first time that i've written all this down and it feels allright. i hope i can soon make an effort to quit all this nonsense. deciding now "i will quit forever" makes me scared to death, leaving me with the thought that i'll be missing out on a dear friend and a whole lot of feelings that i've grown so fond of.. in a way.
i'm 30 and i've been drinking pretty hard for about 8, 9 years. beer, exclusively. i never dare to touch the harder stuff, because i know my drinking is pretty much out of control and it would get worse with booze.
i get hammered 2 or 3 times a week (although 4 times hasn't been uncommon). i've gone through periods of sobriety but they never lasted longer than a few weeks. i've succesfully moderated my drinking for a while but i always get sucked back in to the routine circle of drinking / hungover / feel good / drinking eventually.
when i drink, i drink until i can't have another sip. i've always had this tendency as far as i can remember, even when i was younger. alcohol is just always on my mind. however, i don't get violent, i never pass out, i don't do stupid things when i'm drunk. a few blackouts here and there and maybe an email that i will regret the next day but nothing major. i eat healthy. i work as a freelancing musician, and i know i would work more & better if i weren't hungover so often, but i still do work. meet people, play shows, win jobs occasionally. i'm just fed up with alcohol being a leitmotiv in my life. and i just feel very depressed and afraid to think about a life where this habit will persist, or worse, run out of hand.
my main concern is my health, basically. i just get paranoid even reading the word 'deliver', because 'liver' is in it. which sounds a bit comical i know, but it's probably a sign..
i love being sober, even after a few days i already feel the positive effects. i'm at ease, my mind is calm, energy, no depression, seem to enjoy things more. the bad news is that i love being drunk just as much. for some reason being sober is never enough for me, i always seem to need to top it with the euforic state that alcohol (temporarily) brings me in. no sobriety can ever give me what alcohol gives me and the other way around. i just love both.
i never crave alcohol really - i usually just start drinking because i already feel good and just want more.
well, i'm aware this all is nothing new.. but this is actually the first time that i've written all this down and it feels allright. i hope i can soon make an effort to quit all this nonsense. deciding now "i will quit forever" makes me scared to death, leaving me with the thought that i'll be missing out on a dear friend and a whole lot of feelings that i've grown so fond of.. in a way.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
welcome, this is a nice bunch of understanding and empathetic people here! 
And it's 24/7.
(Above) You pretty much described me about 4 years ago. Unfortunately since this is a progressive "disease" (increased tolerance over time) or however you want to label it you will find that the things like black outs, embarrassing moments, etc. will become more common in the future if you continue to drink to get drunk. I never thought it would happen to me but well.....
I don't know what you've read on the site but there is a lot of good information. I still haven't read it all! WELCOME!
And it's 24/7. (Above) You pretty much described me about 4 years ago. Unfortunately since this is a progressive "disease" (increased tolerance over time) or however you want to label it you will find that the things like black outs, embarrassing moments, etc. will become more common in the future if you continue to drink to get drunk. I never thought it would happen to me but well.....
I don't know what you've read on the site but there is a lot of good information. I still haven't read it all!
WELCOME!
It's helped me stay sober for the last 18 months.Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,414
Hi Saki
I identify with a lot of things in your post - drinking till I was wasted, alcohol being a liefmotif...I was also a musician.
The trouble is when you want more, if you're like me those 4 or 5 times a week become 6 then 7...and then jobs not only dry up, but you lose jobs cos people don't really like a hired muso playing drunk, despite the prevalence of the stereotype.
I used to love drinking too - but I hated it by the end - and still I couldn't stop.
You're wise to be looking at this now. You'll find a lot of support here.
I had to make a lot of changes in my life but I've never regretted them, or regretted stopping drinking.
Welcome!
D
I identify with a lot of things in your post - drinking till I was wasted, alcohol being a liefmotif...I was also a musician.
The trouble is when you want more, if you're like me those 4 or 5 times a week become 6 then 7...and then jobs not only dry up, but you lose jobs cos people don't really like a hired muso playing drunk, despite the prevalence of the stereotype.
I used to love drinking too - but I hated it by the end - and still I couldn't stop.
You're wise to be looking at this now. You'll find a lot of support here.
I had to make a lot of changes in my life but I've never regretted them, or regretted stopping drinking.
Welcome!
D
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
You do have a problem. It has not cost you much, but alcohol clearly has it's grip on you. It is addictive, and you will damage yourself and your life if you continue.
deciding now "i will quit forever" makes me scared to death, leaving me with the thought that i'll be missing out on a dear friend and a whole lot of feelings that i've grown so fond of.. in a way.
This is the love affair we all know too well. I used to feel the same way about cigarettes as well. In someways it is the hardest part to deal with. In some ways the easiest. I am "lucky" in the sense that alcohol was costing me far more than I got out of it. I still have a job, a license, a family, some semblance of health- but ultimately there is a price to pay if you keep travelling down the road.
The love affair and all the thoughts and emotions that go with it, pleasant though they may be are serious symptoms of the disorder itself. If life seems pale in comparison- guess what is causing that?
You might find some of the personal stories in the big book (free online) or the AA speaker tapes (free online) helpful.
I grappled with the powerlessness thing and the forever thing. My suggestion is try to take a break, take it one day at a time- but watch and reflect on what you experience. You have a relationship with alcohol- alochol will not give up without a fight
I have just read what I wrote. I sound !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am only day 37 and loving it.
I hope to see you here again.
deciding now "i will quit forever" makes me scared to death, leaving me with the thought that i'll be missing out on a dear friend and a whole lot of feelings that i've grown so fond of.. in a way.
This is the love affair we all know too well. I used to feel the same way about cigarettes as well. In someways it is the hardest part to deal with. In some ways the easiest. I am "lucky" in the sense that alcohol was costing me far more than I got out of it. I still have a job, a license, a family, some semblance of health- but ultimately there is a price to pay if you keep travelling down the road.
The love affair and all the thoughts and emotions that go with it, pleasant though they may be are serious symptoms of the disorder itself. If life seems pale in comparison- guess what is causing that?
You might find some of the personal stories in the big book (free online) or the AA speaker tapes (free online) helpful.
I grappled with the powerlessness thing and the forever thing. My suggestion is try to take a break, take it one day at a time- but watch and reflect on what you experience. You have a relationship with alcohol- alochol will not give up without a fight
I have just read what I wrote. I sound !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am only day 37 and loving it.
I hope to see you here again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Coffs Nsw
Posts: 80
Hi Saki..
what stood out for me is u said ur health is your main concern
Top job... but its not just physical health for me..its mental, emotional and spiritual... if u dont drink.. then u can deal with these.. and thats an amazing journey..
Ive met great people on that road....hope u find them too
what stood out for me is u said ur health is your main concern
Top job... but its not just physical health for me..its mental, emotional and spiritual... if u dont drink.. then u can deal with these.. and thats an amazing journey..
Ive met great people on that road....hope u find them too
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 26
thanks all for the reactions. pretty great that so many people sympathized so quickly.
i have already found some inspiration in your encouraging words. at this point i'm taking it day by day because the word 'forever' just freaks me out too much. i realize it'll be a rocky road. but i'll reflect on it; this board could be helpful in that.
instant - i think you're right it hasn't cost me too much.. YET. but i think it'd be further in life though if i wouldn't have spent so many days on the couch, paralyzed by hangovers and alcohol-induced depression.
on the other hand, i must give the drinking some credit because it has helped me get over some anxiety numerous times, allowing me to make a pretty good name in my scene. i realize that sounds like an alcoholic talking.
thanks again!
i have already found some inspiration in your encouraging words. at this point i'm taking it day by day because the word 'forever' just freaks me out too much. i realize it'll be a rocky road. but i'll reflect on it; this board could be helpful in that.
instant - i think you're right it hasn't cost me too much.. YET. but i think it'd be further in life though if i wouldn't have spent so many days on the couch, paralyzed by hangovers and alcohol-induced depression.
on the other hand, i must give the drinking some credit because it has helped me get over some anxiety numerous times, allowing me to make a pretty good name in my scene. i realize that sounds like an alcoholic talking.
thanks again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 26
i remember reading in Stephen King's book on writing, that the most embarrassing and shocking moments were when he saw the 'damage' he had done, the next day: the mindblowing amount the empty beer cans in the trash. 'dead bodies', he called them. i've always referred to it like that after reading this.
guess you don't have this exact experience if you're on the whiskey : ) (but a bad experience nonetheless i'm sure)
guess you don't have this exact experience if you're on the whiskey : ) (but a bad experience nonetheless i'm sure)
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