lightseeker

Has it really been that long? It just seems like yesterday that I was getting ready to move out of my home. This last 4 weeks have been a whole lot tougher than I ever imagined ..... but....now the rest of the story....

yesterday I felt like I finally - and really - turned the corner. I feel done with it. In my mind and more importantly, in my heart. I am really grateful for this. That last little percentage really was tearing at my heart. I know that I will have my days or my moments but I just feel different. It is the first time in almost 6 years (or more) that my heart and my head have really lined up. I get it that there is no hope for "us". And most importantly, it's because I am DONE with participating in it, and hoping, and gritting through the pain, and believing promises that I know won't be kept, and enduring.

And....each one of you is right - I'm wondering what took me so long. It's like an octopus gets ahold of you though. You pull off one tentacle and then two others grab you back in. I can just feel myself swimming away - and no octopus reaching me anymore.

My husband and the real estate agent (his ex wife) are doing lots of posturing and bullying re: the sale of the house. Making a lot of threats in terms of his not proceeding with deal if we don't agree to a quick settlement where he gets something. Too bad. I spoke with my lawyer this afternoon and I can get a court injunction that allows the sale of my house no matter what he does. Whewww. What a relief. I did not have the money to hire a lawyer but did scrounge up the consultation fee. I put the retainer on a credit card and will pay it off when the house sales/settles.

The best news of all? My sons say that they can tell a real difference in me. I thought that I was hiding my pain - but obviously I wasn't. They say that I seem a whole lot more relaxed and happier. And that makes me glad more than anything else.

I really appreciate all of the hand holding and support from all of you as I go through this. I really don't feel like I could have done it without each of you....

I LOVE EACH OF YOU TO PIECES! Donna

dollydo

You sound strong, sounds like everything is falling into place.

Thanks for the update!

greeteachday

I know it isn't the same, but I felt that way when I finally and for real and for good quit smoking. I kept dancing with the idea for years...waffling back and forth. Then I decided I was done. The first few weeks were tough but I realized I had enough and was sick of being addicted to the junk. Suddenly I turned a corner and never looked back. Now I wonder what I ever saw in it in the first place and why the heck it took me so long to untangle and run. These days I find it hard to imagine ever having been a smoker.

You sound terrific, Donna, and I am so glad your fears about your sons' reaction were unrealized. They see how good it is for you and I bet they are thrilled as well.

lightseeker

Greet,

It's exactly the same. It's the ambivalence and waffling that just get you. But...I know that you can't be there until you are there. I wonder what you can do to get there sooner?

I think that a lot of my waffling has had to do with the fear of "doing life" without a partner. My husband was not there emotionally for me 98% of the time. Not good. So, I was really alone....alone with him and stuck in the confines of a marriage that precluded being open to a partnership that did provide that. Now it's about accepting "Yep. You are alone". That's when my recovery brain steps in and reminds me of HP and all of us "we's" that follow this path. I am not alone and now I just have to educate that part of me that believes that alone stuff. I recognize that I have a ways to go yet but that's why I have myself on a relationship detox for at least 9 months. I have a hunch it will be longer but that length of time quiets the crazy voices in my head that want to numb out the discomfort with another relationship. NOT. GOING. TO. HAPPEN.

I have "defriended" my husband on Facebook so that I do not have to (and can't) see his pursuit of other hostages (oops...I mean women). I did see where he removed his relationship status and also any pictures that I was in. That told me that he sees that it is over with us and he is moving on. Which is a good thing. There is a part of me that that stings but I realize that is probably a normal feeling. I'm definitely not longing for him or a relationship with him. Must be some ego thing on my part.

It's nice to be sailing out towards a future where I don't constantly have someone rocking the boat. When the waters of life get rocky and your boat is already rocking you don't really have a chance, do you? Right now, I'm just going to go on day sails around the cove. I need to regain my confidence in me and my own abilities. I know that they are there but I need to "feel them" the same way that I am able to feel that this is over.

Ok....into the boat for a little day sail. Thanks again, Donna

catlovermi

The most important testimonial!

CLMI

Kindeyes

Donna
All of those feelings are normal and to be expected. Divorce is tough even in the most amicable situations. For me, it was definitely a crazy making time. My ex threw up every road block he could to try to stall the divorce proceedings. Stalking, breaking into my house, harassing phone calls, spewing angry words one minute and professing his love for me the next. Thinking back on it now doesn't stir up any emotion at all but it did for a long time.

Yes. You will get through this. You will survive. You are moving through this difficult time and doing remarkably well. We ALL have good days and bad days but you are moving toward a brighter future. You are now in a place where you can get your head on straight. And YOU are the one making it happen.

If I could, I'd stand up and clap and yell out a loud HURRAY! for you! Oh I guess I can do that but you can't see it or hear it......so just pretend that you can, k?

gentle hugs
ke

somberheart

Your post gave me goosebumps, and brought tears to my eyes. I feel for you. I wish I could hug you right now! You are doing a great job! Thank you for being a motivation for me.