Not sure what to do next
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1
Not sure what to do next
This is my first posting so I am not sure where to start other than the beginning. I found out about 2 years ago that my husband was addicted to opiates. At the time I was pregnant with our second child (my third). Looking back I noticed all the signs like missing money, and his increasing anger issues. I told him that he needed to get clean or I was leaving. He started to do support groups and the occasional meeting with the councelor. Then he was back to the same routine.
Now 2 years later I am still dealing with the same things. He has stolen money from our kids, pawned his brand new chainsaw twice and even stolen checks and forged them. I have lost myself because of his addiction. I have become consumed with bitterness, obsessed with what he is doing, where he is going, and who he is talking to. I have even went as far as purchasing drug tests on the internet for random drug testing. I cant trust anything he says. We are both suppose to be taking meds for depression and anxiety but he has caused our family to get into such a hole finacially we havent been able to get them. I try my best to never argue in front of the kids but he never holds back. And he doesnt jsut argue, he yells and cusses me like Im nothing. My kids are 8,2 and 1/2 and 18months so they may not understand whats happening but they know something isnt right. I realize I deserve better and even more then that my kids deserve better.
He says he is trying to get better but he has yet to go longer than 2 weeks without pills. Is this normal in the beginning? I personally would like him to go into rehab but I really dont think he wants to and I cant make him do something he doesnt want to do. Every time I talk about leaving he twist it around trying to make me feel bad. He says he cant get better without me. How do I learn to put my foot down? There are no meetings close to where I live and I dont really have anyone else I can talk to about this. Any suggestions?
Now 2 years later I am still dealing with the same things. He has stolen money from our kids, pawned his brand new chainsaw twice and even stolen checks and forged them. I have lost myself because of his addiction. I have become consumed with bitterness, obsessed with what he is doing, where he is going, and who he is talking to. I have even went as far as purchasing drug tests on the internet for random drug testing. I cant trust anything he says. We are both suppose to be taking meds for depression and anxiety but he has caused our family to get into such a hole finacially we havent been able to get them. I try my best to never argue in front of the kids but he never holds back. And he doesnt jsut argue, he yells and cusses me like Im nothing. My kids are 8,2 and 1/2 and 18months so they may not understand whats happening but they know something isnt right. I realize I deserve better and even more then that my kids deserve better.
He says he is trying to get better but he has yet to go longer than 2 weeks without pills. Is this normal in the beginning? I personally would like him to go into rehab but I really dont think he wants to and I cant make him do something he doesnt want to do. Every time I talk about leaving he twist it around trying to make me feel bad. He says he cant get better without me. How do I learn to put my foot down? There are no meetings close to where I live and I dont really have anyone else I can talk to about this. Any suggestions?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Welcome. Sorry for your situation. Many here have been in similar situations but have managed to put together a good life for themselves and their children no matter what choice their drug addicted, abusive spouse or boyfriend ends up making. I'm glad you found us.
There's something you need to know - when it comes to addicts, their words lie. They will promise over and over and over that they are going to quit or say they want to quit but they will never follow through. That's why you have to look at their ACTIONS. His actions tell me that he is in a pattern and really has no intent or ability to get out of it right now.
Something else you should know is that you:
did not CAUSE his addiction.
cannot CONTROL his addiction.
cannot CURE his addiction.
Recovery from addiction is a life long process and it takes work. He's not doing the work. He shows no intention of doing the work. And seriously, why should he? You are the one that's unhappy. Not him. He's satisfied with the way things are. Nothing changes if nothing changes...
You are only responsible for your own choices and you can change your own life (and the life of your children) if you choose. That also takes work and focus. But it can be done. You can RECOVER from your situation.
I suggest you make an escape plan. Even if you decide not to use it, it's always good to be prepared. I would NOT tell him you are doing this.
I would start putting money in a safe place that he doesn't know about - just a little bit at a time.
I also think you would benefit from going to the library and checking out a book called Co-dependent No More by melanie beatty. You may be able to relate to what she talks about and it may help you make small changes in your life that could add up to big changes over the long haul.
Stick around. Read all you can on this website. Know that you are not alone.
It could be your first step towards "putting your foot down" and improving your situation.
There's something you need to know - when it comes to addicts, their words lie. They will promise over and over and over that they are going to quit or say they want to quit but they will never follow through. That's why you have to look at their ACTIONS. His actions tell me that he is in a pattern and really has no intent or ability to get out of it right now.
Something else you should know is that you:
did not CAUSE his addiction.
cannot CONTROL his addiction.
cannot CURE his addiction.
Recovery from addiction is a life long process and it takes work. He's not doing the work. He shows no intention of doing the work. And seriously, why should he? You are the one that's unhappy. Not him. He's satisfied with the way things are. Nothing changes if nothing changes...
You are only responsible for your own choices and you can change your own life (and the life of your children) if you choose. That also takes work and focus. But it can be done. You can RECOVER from your situation.
I suggest you make an escape plan. Even if you decide not to use it, it's always good to be prepared. I would NOT tell him you are doing this.
I would start putting money in a safe place that he doesn't know about - just a little bit at a time.
I also think you would benefit from going to the library and checking out a book called Co-dependent No More by melanie beatty. You may be able to relate to what she talks about and it may help you make small changes in your life that could add up to big changes over the long haul.
Stick around. Read all you can on this website. Know that you are not alone.
It could be your first step towards "putting your foot down" and improving your situation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. lou.. glad u r here but not the reason. first off this is not your fault & there is nothing u can say or do to keep your husband clean. he has got to do this & want to do this himself. you need to let go & let God handle him. you can help your self & learn to let go by reading around the post & sticky on the forum of the page. there are alot of wifes here in the same situation. u have taken the first step by being here. stay around & keep coming back. prayers for u & your family.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
Lou,
Our stories are very much alike. My husband has done things very similiar to yours. My husband has also attempted rehab twice before, and this time he is gone for a third (and hopefully final) time. My only suggestion to you, is to take care of yourself first. You are right, you can't make him go to rehab, but you can suggest it. You can only control you. I think the final straw that worked on my husband was after being caught red handed by his mother shooting up in her bathroom. I merely said that there would be no chance in the world of any type of relationship with me or his/our kids for the rest of our lives if he didn't seek out treatment and be more than 5 hours away from our home. He did the work, he did the research, and left the following evening. He is still in treatment, and in the three weeks he's been gone, it has been rejuvenating! I am learning how to make myself happy. Don't get me wrong, I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, and I still worry that he will never get better, but in the end, I know this is a choice he has made, and it will not control my choice to be happy. With an addict, putting your foot down is difficult. I still struggle with this often. Basically I just remind myself that if it is going to hurt me or my children in anyway, then it shouldn't be apart of our lives, and that usually holds me to my word. His therapist has made me make a boundaries list as well. I did a little googling and found suggestions on boundary lists and how to make them. SR has threads devoted to boundaries...also where I got a lot of my will power
Your husband can get better with or without you, its just a choice he needs to make.
I also started working the 12 steps from Alanon, as well. A life saver if you ask me.
I hope my suggestions help. Although, I am not healed by any means, I hope that this helps you in some way.
Our stories are very much alike. My husband has done things very similiar to yours. My husband has also attempted rehab twice before, and this time he is gone for a third (and hopefully final) time. My only suggestion to you, is to take care of yourself first. You are right, you can't make him go to rehab, but you can suggest it. You can only control you. I think the final straw that worked on my husband was after being caught red handed by his mother shooting up in her bathroom. I merely said that there would be no chance in the world of any type of relationship with me or his/our kids for the rest of our lives if he didn't seek out treatment and be more than 5 hours away from our home. He did the work, he did the research, and left the following evening. He is still in treatment, and in the three weeks he's been gone, it has been rejuvenating! I am learning how to make myself happy. Don't get me wrong, I still cry myself to sleep sometimes, and I still worry that he will never get better, but in the end, I know this is a choice he has made, and it will not control my choice to be happy. With an addict, putting your foot down is difficult. I still struggle with this often. Basically I just remind myself that if it is going to hurt me or my children in anyway, then it shouldn't be apart of our lives, and that usually holds me to my word. His therapist has made me make a boundaries list as well. I did a little googling and found suggestions on boundary lists and how to make them. SR has threads devoted to boundaries...also where I got a lot of my will power
Your husband can get better with or without you, its just a choice he needs to make. I also started working the 12 steps from Alanon, as well. A life saver if you ask me.
I hope my suggestions help. Although, I am not healed by any means, I hope that this helps you in some way.
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