duqld1717

Hi everyone. I haven't been on here in awhile since I first joined and I wanted to let everyone know where I am and maybe offer some insight from what I have discovered so far in my journey or even receive some advice from others. I like to check back in once in awhile and give updates because I learn so much here and maybe my story will help someone today as well. Anyway, I am about 6 months removed from the A that was in my life. Its not too much time, but I feel like its been longer since I really didn't know him when he was in my life. Since then, I have slowly been trying to find myself again. I lost so much of myself from the very day I met him. I've been trying to be that girl again that I was a couple years ago pre-A. I've also lost friends, suffered at my job/made enemies at my job, and distanced some family members while with him. I can't blame him because I was the one that let my life go up in flames...he was merely the match that I used to set the fire.

I have slowly been discovering why I would sabatage my own life like that or let someone's behavior effect me so much that people around me actually started hating me. It has been a long journey finding all the answers for myself and I still have along way to go. I'm picking up the peices of my shambled life one by one. One would think I was the addict from how much destruction that went on in my life. Basically anyone I met, or any job I had while I was with my A, suffered greatly because of me. I couldn't focus on anything but him, treated everyone around me with utter disrespect and I have deep remorse for the people I hurt in the process, as they were just casualties of my toxic relationship. I sometimes feel like I should make ammends to some of these people just like an A would? (that is if they would even speak to me). What would I even say? "Sorry I was too busy chasing around an Alcoholic that I couldn't even see you"?

Anyway, I thought my life would be so much better after I split with my A. To be honest, it is!....but it isn't. I no longer have anxiety or want to punch something everyday which is a good thing. I'm also starting to do things that interest me again and I'm starting to enjoy life. The old me is coming back slowly but surely. However, I am so sad and ashamed of myself for my previous behavior while I was with him. I have so much guilt for how I treated people it can sometimes be so intense I have to take a break and sit down. I feel as dirty and shameful/rotten as an addict after he goes on a 3 day bender. I may not have been drinking, but I was there going along with him down his sinful path and unconciously hurting people around me in the process. It's crazy how our behavior starts to mimic an addicts if we let it. I never intentionally hurt people, but I did act like they had no significance to me whatsoever because I had no room in my head left to think about them. All I could think about was HIM and I am utterly dissapointed with myself.

So, I am learning to forgive myself first....for what I unconciously did to people. And for what I did to myself, my life, and the people in my life. The biggest thing I have learned so far is: If you don't take control of your own life, someone else sure as hell will and they will take it to hell and back if you let them. The only person in this world that can 100% protect you from harm is YOU. In my case, I was my own worst enemy. I self-destructed off of someone else's disease and he didn't even have to make me...I did it myself.

When the pain from everything I did finally subsides, I hope to re-join the world again and be the old me. I have re-connected with some of my old friends that were mad at me, made a few new ones, and one day at a time people at my work, with time, have a new attitude towards me. And as for my family, they have forgiven me-they loved me the whole time, they just didn't understand why I was hurting myself like that. Life is slowly starting to repair itself and yes, there is life after a toxic relationship with an A no matter how much you've lost or think you've lost. I learned alot of hard and hurtful lessons, but I am greatful for how much wisdom and strength I now carry around with me. I truly believe that when we go through something so awful, something beautiful is always waiting on the other side.

This is where I'm at today and thanks for letting me share!

Shellcrusher

Thanks for the update.
For those entering the scene, hopefully this post highlights the steep uphill climb and what the friends and families have to endure in their own recovery.

Tuffgirl

Thanks for sharing. I think I have been ultimately afraid of life after this...having a hard time moving forward (it happens in starts and stops, like my engine is only firing of 5 instead of 8 cylinders)

And yes, what Shell says... its a b!tch putting ones life back together, for the addict and the loved ones.

fedup3

After reading what you had to say all I could think was I too am going to have to go down that road as well, ugh.

We sure can make a mess of our lives can't we?

duqld1717

The thing that gets me the most, is that we (the friends and family) suffer sometimes MORE than the addict. HE still has all his same friends. No one is mad at him. They are all drinking buddies so why would they ever be mad at him. No one at his work has ever been mad at him because he can turn the charm on and off like a lightswitch at all the appropriate moments and around all the appropriate people to keep everyone faked out. And HIS family never has gotten upset at him. They are in denial and accept him exactly who he is, monster and all. So yes, we do lose more and we do suffer more. I had more to lose than him and I sure did. People actually started hating me for not being able to control him and they dismissed the fact that he was drunk.

I can honestly say I know what its like to think and act like an addict and neglect everything around you. Instead of chasing a drink, I was chasing a person who was chasing a drink. The outcome is the same. Somehow I think worse for us though. They have an element of charm and deception to keep people around longer.

Tuffgirl

May seem that way on the surface. But I don't believe its easier for them. I believe it is much, much harder. Can you imagine the energy put forth to maintain an addiction? I mean, the mental gymnastics involved? The shame, the guilt, the remorse? The feeling of being completely out of control?

I can - I lived that way briefly in my addiction to the person. But I can stop, make different choices, and walk away. It is much harder for the addict to do that. And I believe it has a lot to do with emotional maturity.

I see my RAH having glimmers of a different way of thinking and viewing the world and himself. But he is so out of touch still that he's talking the talk, not walking the walk. Not even close. And he is too arrogant to see what he is doing. There is no cognitive dissonance going on that says "wait, I just said a whole load of BS here".

I would much rather be a codie dealing with my addiction than an addict.

But I get what you are saying.

duqld1717

Thanks Tuffgirl. You are absolutely right. I would much rather be recovering from an addiction to a person than be recovering from a substance. He is out my life and I accept the mistakes that I made. They made me better for it and I was able to walk away. Most addicts don't ever realize, let alone accept any of the mistakes they have made. And most don't walk away from their substance ever. I am greatful that my willpower and courage eventually got bigger than my disease and I overcame it.

stepsforward

A get to use to forget and we codies wish we could forget

kittykitty

Hi Duq! Glad to hear you are doing better, and things are heading in the right direction.

I have learned how important it is to put the stick down. Stop beating yourself with it. It doesn't accomplish anything. You cannot change the past, and you don't need to.. you were doing the best you could, with what you had. You learned from the experience, which is what's most important, and can move on from here with confidence that you won't do it again (hopefully)

I think amends are a great idea. I can't tell you the feeling of relief I get when I recognize I did something wrong, admit it and apologize for it. Not having to live with the self imposed guilt and shame of what I did is a huge burden off my shoulders. You would be surprised how open most people are to a heartfelt and genuine apology. And honestly, the amends are just as much for you as the other person. Admitting our imperfections and owning our mistakes is mandatory in personal growth, in my opinion. Apologize, and then let it go.

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Give it a shot, what do you have to lose?