Younger Brother in Law Rules
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20
Younger Brother in Law Rules
Hello,
This is my first time ever having an alcoholic in my life. I did not understand, or accept that my brother in law was an alcoholic.
Let me start with a little history. He got into a lot of trouble when he was younger because of alcohol and ended up ruining most of the personal relationships he had with his family. Because we had moved so far away we could clearly see what was happening, and not allow ourselves (me and my husband) to get drawn into the drama. Years go by and he seems to do okay. He moves across the country, finds a girl he loves, gets a great job. He still drinks at this point and works around alcohol. This brings us to a few weeks ago. He accuses his girl friend of cheating, gets so drunk he calls my husband and says he is going to kill himself. Then he gets on public transport and comes to us for a few days. We thought he was going to stay for a few months, but it only lasts a few days. He has a plan in place to go back to his old job that he loved and figure things out. This lasts for about a week. He gets drunk and then goes to this job and gets fired. He then calls my husband and says he wants to come up here to live. At least he called before he was on his way this time. My husband says yes.
To start we gave him verbal rules. Told him no tv during working hours, and to work on himself. Instead of going to an aa meeting, or writing, or doing anything, he concentrates on getting a job as a bartender for the next two weeks. He feels and is emotionally devoid, but sober for those two weeks. We get absolutely no emotional responses from him. Then he gets the call that he got a job, and instead of coming home to celebrate, he goes out and gets drunk, partly to celebrate and partly because he is mad at us and our rules. And he comes home drunk at 11pm and picks a huge fight with my husband and many things were said that he regrets. During the fight, my husband, knowing he was drunk stayed very calm and just let him rant about how he hates our rules and us, and that he wants his old life back.
The day after that was very difficult for my husband and I. The first rule of the house was no drinking, period. That morning he acts like nothing has happened. We confront him and tell him he has to leave and either go to a halfway house or we'll get him a bus ticket. He decides to go outside and think, comes back and asks for any other options. He is clearly remorseful. (again, this is the first time I have ever seen this) He says that he wants to know how to rectify the situation. My husband says we will think about it and give him a decision that night. It was his first day on the job and he had to go prepare for work.
We decide to make up a set of written rules which include no drinking, mandatory AA meetings everyday (he had promised before he would go to one and it never happened), and to make an appointment with a therapist. Other rules are to keep his room tidy and to work on his creative side (he said he wanted to write) and not 'check out' by watching tv.
So, it has been since saturday that the rules have been in place and he has gone to two meetings so far and has been okay about going to them.
I am an enabler, as much as I do not want to be. I will feel sorry for him and I will want to temper our agreement so that he feels better. I have not done this yet, as I understand it will undermine our contract with him and my husband. It is hard to not want to make everyone happy. And so far I have kept these feeling to myself.
My question is should our contract requiring him to go to aa everyday ever be up for negotation? We agreed on having a family meeting once a week. How will we know when we don't need to hand hold anymore? Should we be hand holding at all? I feel like now that we have a contract we should honor it, and that if he messes up then he has broken the contract and he knows that means he has no place to live.
I'm up for any advice you have to give. Thank you.
This is my first time ever having an alcoholic in my life. I did not understand, or accept that my brother in law was an alcoholic.
Let me start with a little history. He got into a lot of trouble when he was younger because of alcohol and ended up ruining most of the personal relationships he had with his family. Because we had moved so far away we could clearly see what was happening, and not allow ourselves (me and my husband) to get drawn into the drama. Years go by and he seems to do okay. He moves across the country, finds a girl he loves, gets a great job. He still drinks at this point and works around alcohol. This brings us to a few weeks ago. He accuses his girl friend of cheating, gets so drunk he calls my husband and says he is going to kill himself. Then he gets on public transport and comes to us for a few days. We thought he was going to stay for a few months, but it only lasts a few days. He has a plan in place to go back to his old job that he loved and figure things out. This lasts for about a week. He gets drunk and then goes to this job and gets fired. He then calls my husband and says he wants to come up here to live. At least he called before he was on his way this time. My husband says yes.
To start we gave him verbal rules. Told him no tv during working hours, and to work on himself. Instead of going to an aa meeting, or writing, or doing anything, he concentrates on getting a job as a bartender for the next two weeks. He feels and is emotionally devoid, but sober for those two weeks. We get absolutely no emotional responses from him. Then he gets the call that he got a job, and instead of coming home to celebrate, he goes out and gets drunk, partly to celebrate and partly because he is mad at us and our rules. And he comes home drunk at 11pm and picks a huge fight with my husband and many things were said that he regrets. During the fight, my husband, knowing he was drunk stayed very calm and just let him rant about how he hates our rules and us, and that he wants his old life back.
The day after that was very difficult for my husband and I. The first rule of the house was no drinking, period. That morning he acts like nothing has happened. We confront him and tell him he has to leave and either go to a halfway house or we'll get him a bus ticket. He decides to go outside and think, comes back and asks for any other options. He is clearly remorseful. (again, this is the first time I have ever seen this) He says that he wants to know how to rectify the situation. My husband says we will think about it and give him a decision that night. It was his first day on the job and he had to go prepare for work.
We decide to make up a set of written rules which include no drinking, mandatory AA meetings everyday (he had promised before he would go to one and it never happened), and to make an appointment with a therapist. Other rules are to keep his room tidy and to work on his creative side (he said he wanted to write) and not 'check out' by watching tv.
So, it has been since saturday that the rules have been in place and he has gone to two meetings so far and has been okay about going to them.
I am an enabler, as much as I do not want to be. I will feel sorry for him and I will want to temper our agreement so that he feels better. I have not done this yet, as I understand it will undermine our contract with him and my husband. It is hard to not want to make everyone happy. And so far I have kept these feeling to myself.
My question is should our contract requiring him to go to aa everyday ever be up for negotation? We agreed on having a family meeting once a week. How will we know when we don't need to hand hold anymore? Should we be hand holding at all? I feel like now that we have a contract we should honor it, and that if he messes up then he has broken the contract and he knows that means he has no place to live.
I'm up for any advice you have to give. Thank you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi aloe, Welcome to SR!
Glad you have found us. You will find some wonderful information at the top of each forum (stickies).
One thing that we all learn is that we have no control over the addict. We call this the 3C's:
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addiction.
I hope you will take the time to read around the threads and learn everything you can about this disease called addiction.
Again, welcome!
HG
Glad you have found us. You will find some wonderful information at the top of each forum (stickies).
One thing that we all learn is that we have no control over the addict. We call this the 3C's:
We did not cause the addiction.
We cannot control the addict.
We cannot cure the addiction.
I hope you will take the time to read around the threads and learn everything you can about this disease called addiction.
Again, welcome!
HG
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
If you give him an inch, he'll take a mile. He's an alcoholic and alcoholics are manipulators and liars. You've made rules and he broke them. Now, you've made more rules and you are already wanting to back down on one of them. It's your home and your life, but if it were me, the rules would stand and the first time he broke them, he would be out. That probably sounds pretty harsh to you, but after years of dealing with alcoholism, it's the only way to be. Another thing I can tell you is that forcing him to go to AA when he doesn't want to is pretty much meaningless. He won't get anything out of it. AA is for people who want to quit drinking. Attending meetings doesn't keep a person sober. Getting a sponsor and honestly working the steps is what will keep a person sober, but first, they have to want sobriety more than anything.
Welcome to SR. In this forum, you will find a lot of support for YOU, not the alcoholic in your life. Please read the "stickie" posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of helpful information there.
Welcome to SR. In this forum, you will find a lot of support for YOU, not the alcoholic in your life. Please read the "stickie" posts at the top of this forum. There is a lot of helpful information there.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
This is an interesting situation. First of all, he is an adult. His recovery is up to him, and, cannot be controlled by you and your husband.
Your rules, well, they mean nothing if you do not enforce them. Tempering them is a classic enabler tactic and only hurts the addict.
If you want to help your BIL, say what you mean and mean what you say.
His alcoholism is not something you can control, something that you cannot cure.
If he breaks the rules, let him go, do that for him, not you, until he falls to his knees, he will not embrace recovery. This is not about making everyone happy, this is about saving his life.
This is an interesting situation. First of all, he is an adult. His recovery is up to him, and, cannot be controlled by you and your husband.
Your rules, well, they mean nothing if you do not enforce them. Tempering them is a classic enabler tactic and only hurts the addict.
If you want to help your BIL, say what you mean and mean what you say.
His alcoholism is not something you can control, something that you cannot cure.
If he breaks the rules, let him go, do that for him, not you, until he falls to his knees, he will not embrace recovery. This is not about making everyone happy, this is about saving his life.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand alcoholism and it's effect on the family.
I would recommend attending Alanon meetings for yourself and your husband. Alanon is based on the same 12 steps as AA, but tailored for the friend/family member affected by alcoholism.
I will also share my favorite "sticky" post from the top of the forum:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand alcoholism and it's effect on the family.
I would recommend attending Alanon meetings for yourself and your husband. Alanon is based on the same 12 steps as AA, but tailored for the friend/family member affected by alcoholism.
I will also share my favorite "sticky" post from the top of the forum:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20
Thank you everyone for the helpful comments. Thank you Pelican for the sticky. I will read everything I can to try and understand this problem. I have realized that this has brought about feelings in me that are conflicted. The one to help my brother in law and keep everyone happy, and the one to protect my own family. I do appreciate all the posts and help. Thanks.
While I know it's up to my brother in law to want the help, but for our own sanity we have to make him do something or he does nothing. I'm not sure how to know when he is going to aa just for himself and not just because he will not have a place to live if he does not go.
While I know it's up to my brother in law to want the help, but for our own sanity we have to make him do something or he does nothing. I'm not sure how to know when he is going to aa just for himself and not just because he will not have a place to live if he does not go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20
My husband is still really frustrated with his brother that he came home drunk that night, and that we gave him another chance. And he has decided to talk to BIL when he gets home from work tonight about it. I do not like confrontation and I feel like BIL has done all that we have asked him to do, but I will support my husband and his need to tell BIL how he feels. Getting this kid/adult to give us emotion back is really hard, and I'm not sure if he does say that he is going to aa for himself that he will be believed. Either way, it's not going to be a pretty discussion.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You know what you have to do. You know it. You, and your husband, have to decide if this is how you want to spend the remainder of his life or yours. Once you decide this, you have to act.
That's it. It ends when you end it.
Cyranoak
That's it. It ends when you end it.
Cyranoak
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20
My husband cannot live like this. This is very stressful and it is making him feel like a babysitter, and that is unacceptable. So, maybe it ends tonight. I just have to find the strength to be there during the discussion and back up my husband. Thank you for the advice.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
If it's too stressful for your husband to have his alcoholic brother living there, then the kid needs to go. It's just that simple. I don't understand why you should have to be there. He's your husband's brother, right?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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If I am there I know I will want to be on his side and see things as unfair. Such as, one of our rules were to keep his room clean, and he hasn't done anything to it yet and it's been three days. And today he didn't get a slip signed at aa, but he did get some papers with aa on them. I'm inclined to trust this, but my husband is not...and he is not my brother and I do not think I will be helpful to the conversation.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
No offense, but you do sound like the weakest link. The last thing you need is for this to cause a rift between you and your husband. Trust me, it is NOT worth it. Let your husband handle it and if he says the brother has to go, then he has to go.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Oh, I know I'm the weakest link...which is why I haven't been sharing my thoughts with the BIL and I've been sticking by the Rules we set up. I haven't waivered, but I was tempted to.
Maybe I could sit there and think about something else. Put carrots in my ears
Maybe I could sit there and think about something else. Put carrots in my ears
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
What in the heck...
...makes you inclined to trust this? Please tell my you aren't that gullible. Please.
If you've learned anything at all by now you have to know that alcoholics lie. Always.
Cyranoak
If you've learned anything at all by now you have to know that alcoholics lie. Always.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by aloe 
If I am there I know I will want to be on his side and see things as unfair. Such as, one of our rules were to keep his room clean, and he hasn't done anything to it yet and it's been three days. And today he didn't get a slip signed at aa, but he did get some papers with aa on them. I'm inclined to trust this, but my husband is not...and he is not my brother and I do not think I will be helpful to the conversation.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
That is not your problem. If he was interested in doing the right thing, then he would have abided by the rules the first time. He didn't. It sounds like he still isn't. Rules are useless unless there are consequences for not following them. Until he has to face the consequences of his bad decisions, he'll never learn anything and nothing will change. Time for the kid to grow up.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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This is my first rodeo people, I'm very inclined to believe what I hear. This is all new to me. It's only been two weeks.
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
...makes you inclined to trust this? Please tell my you aren't that gullible. Please.
If you've learned anything at all by now you have to know that alcoholics lie. Always.
Cyranoak
If you've learned anything at all by now you have to know that alcoholics lie. Always.
Cyranoak
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,904
Unfortunately, you are getting a crash course. Alcoholics lie and manipulate. As I said before, if you give them an inch, they will take a mile. It's sad to watch people we care about make such lousy decisions, but we can't live their lives for them and your responsibility is to your husband and yourself and your children if you have any. This guy will be okay. He's not a helpless 3 year old. He managed to get a job, so he can take care of himself if he wants to.
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