The 'Soulmate' Trap

Old 06-20-2011, 03:08 PM
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The 'Soulmate' Trap

Hi everyone,

I've been doing abit of reading of past threads as I make my way through this new journey with the alcoholic I have aquired in my life. I've noticed the same things flag up again and again, a common thread of relationship beginnings and the dynamic between the addict and the co-dependant/new partner.

I was wondering if everyone has had a similar type of experience with regards to their addict and the basis of how their relationship formed. there seems to be a pattern with non-alcoholic women being strong, vivacious indpendant people at least on the outside, coupled with an initially attentive charismatic drinker.

In my recent experience I am the strong independant non-alcoholic, I was in a solid relationship with a non-alcoholic but we had some issues. My drinker friend of 4 years peered in from the edge and commented with longing and envy as to how 'together' I seemed, flattered me with his attention, confided in me (the honesty trap) - of course without telling me he was an RA who was in relapse. As I began to reciprocate his apparent trust in me by sharing my frustrations with my own partner, he turned up the dial, exponentially increased our facetime and lunchdates, texted me, talked to me online for hours at a time in the evenings.

I had 'thought' 4 years a long enough period to assess the genuine nature of this person. I've noticed alot of women (predominantly) talking about the amazing 'connection' they felt to their alcoholic, the way he most often pursued them, wooed them, established their desire in an ultimately cruel 'tag and release' kind of method. And then the trail goes cold.

I have struggled personally with this soulmate trap, the stories I've read over and over fit my situation perfectly. How do other women/men feel about the sexual intimacy they have experienced with their addict, has this contributed to the death grip on a bad situation they should rationally leave? I know that for me, the physical intimacy was profound, intense and passionate, and its left a stain. At present this last irrational feeling is whats causing me to hold on.

Thoughts?
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Old 06-20-2011, 03:17 PM
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My only thought about the whole "Soulmate" thing is that it is a buzz word ingrained in our minds by relationship gurus and hollywood hype. I have no soulmate, like my fingerprints, my soul has no match.

For me, today, there is just too much fantasy in relationships, too much drama and too little reality.

Just my thoughts,
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Old 06-20-2011, 03:24 PM
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I don't necessarily beleive in soulmates, but I've picked up from reading in here that there is an interpersonal intensity which occurs with addicts and seems to feed the notion of having found 'the one'. I see alot written about the emotional connection but was interested to know if this was tied down sexually like a brick tied to the ankle.
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Old 06-20-2011, 03:45 PM
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The reason that addicts have found "The One" is because "The One" enables them.

What I have experiened in my life, sex means something entirely different to men, we women want to be emotionally attached, to most men, it is functional act, it is a release valve.

As for the brick around the ankle, I have no clue.
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Old 06-20-2011, 04:18 PM
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I think for me Im talking about a very compatible physical connection, and a level of sexual intensity which comparative to past lovers might be difficult to match, and therefore difficult to relinquish. Perhaps the intensity is purely emotional. I don't know.
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Old 06-20-2011, 04:22 PM
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I would say it goes hand in hand with family of origin issues. We feel profoundly attracted to, connected to, and comfortable with what is most familiar. Although it's not 100%, probably the majority of codependents are also ACOA's.

Harville Hendrix has a few books on the subject. The one I read was "Getting the Love You Want." He theorizes that we feel the most profound connections with those who possess the same traits as our primary caregivers when we were children--both the good and the bad. And that those relationships are the psyche's way of trying to "right the wrongs" of our childhood. Very interesting stuff.

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Old 06-20-2011, 04:24 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
My only thought about the whole "Soulmate" thing is that it is a buzz word ingrained in our minds by relationship gurus and hollywood hype. I have no soulmate, like my fingerprints, my soul has no match.

For me, today, there is just too much fantasy in relationships, too much drama and too little reality.

Just my thoughts,
My feelings exactly! The term "soulmate" makes me want to hurl every time I hear it or read it..
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Old 06-20-2011, 04:27 PM
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I understand what you are saying is completely. I fell into the same trap. I was so drawn to my axbf it wasn't even funny. I had no idea he had a drinking problem. He began to share personal information with me about his life, his fears, his hopes, his dreams. I became intimate with him and it was the best sex I have ever had and will ever have. I felt so connected to him, it was like we were to halves to the same circle. We even talked about moving in together, then all of a sudden he just said he was scared and out relationship just kind of imploded. I personally do believe in soul mates. I have never had so great of a connection with anyone in my life. I haven't talked to him in three weeks now. Deep down I hope he calls me every day, but he never does. So I hope for him that he goes to a rehab and gets sober, and I hope for me that we find eachother again when he has recovered. I don't care what anyone says about his issues and my issues..... I love him. But I have to love myself too. I hope that helps.
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Old 06-20-2011, 04:35 PM
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I do hope readers understand I use the term 'soulmate' in a more 'mockumentary' less 'documentary' kind of fashion! its a stupid made up word.
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Old 06-20-2011, 04:48 PM
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Zanido - thanks for sharing, this is kind of more what I'm getting at, working through the intense physical feelings for the person, beyond the love ties. And similarly my person enacted an intensive trail of personal sharing, followed by time spent in each others company, followed by a tense buildup to intimacy which while shortlived was explosive and unforgettable. He also future promised, probably the most serious thing of all asking me to consider having children with him where I had earlier stated I wanted to have no more. What a set up. Im in a place where I cannot imagine being with another man again sexually if its not him, this is not good.

I feel for you as I work through my own similar situation, having not seen him for going on 2 months. I still have the hopes that you do, but Im doing some serious emotional housework trying to decide if its all in my head. I hope you also get the clarity you need, theres nothing worse than missing a person
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Old 06-20-2011, 05:16 PM
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Interesting topic.

I never found an active alcoholic sexy or attractive. So I can't wrap my brain around how the ones who are still drinking can be so convincing.

I didn't have instant soul mate feelings for the RABF becausewe were friends first years ago. His alcoholic life got going much later on, when I wasn't around.

It was a connection, yes. A deep friendship, yes. Unique in that way but I am not a firm believer in soul mate because we grow and change as time goes on.

I do remember though when I first met him all those years ago that something sort of stood out in my memory about him and he had a special place in my mind but I had no idea it would lead to where I am now.. never in a billion years.

There always should be chemistry and intimacy in a good relationship. I couldn't fall hard for someone I had zero chemistry with on an intimate level. Intimacy and great sex though are two different things to me.

I am a hopeless romantic so i guess someone could be your soulmate but your soul can change
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Old 06-20-2011, 05:41 PM
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A "soul mate" is someone who comes into your life to teach you something and then leaves. That is the definition.

So are you putting your life on hold for, if and until he goes to rehab, gets sober and comes back to you. You might not like him sober and vise versa. It happens that way sometimes.
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Old 06-20-2011, 05:49 PM
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Maybe I believe in the "soulmate" type of situation because of my past. I had a high school boyfriend for three years. He broke up with me two months after I had my daughter. I was eighteen. I raised her for five years and busted my butt doing it. When she was five, he took me to court for custody. He won because all that time he wasn't raising our daughter, he had time to go to school, get a great job, get married and hire a great lawyer. I was a single mom, minimum wage job, and no lawyer. We fought eachother viciously in court over several years. When my daughter was eighteen, she texted me that her father had pancreatic cancer stage four. I felt soo sick when I read that. All my anger and frustration melted away. I realized that part of the reason that we had fought eachother so hard is that we still had the ability to hurt eachother, which meant our relationship never really died. He passed away a few short months later. I cried everyday for over a year. One day I woke up and I didn't cry, the next day I didn't cry, he was a part of my life, my daughter, and in fact part of what made up who I am today. This has nothing to do with alcoholism. He was not an alcoholic. Just a guy who made terrible mistakes and it took the ending of his life for him to admit them. That is why I believe in the concept of a soulmate or destiny if you will. I cried out to God everynight, wished on stars, and begged for answers when my daughter had to go with him. But he will never see her marry, see his grandchildren, etc. I think there is a plan and we may not always get it, but thats not our job. Our job is to try to be the best person we can be and if at the end of the day we can look ourselves in the eye and know that, we are ok.
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Old 06-20-2011, 06:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
Interesting topic....

It was a connection, yes. A deep friendship, yes. Unique in that way but I am not a firm believer in soul mate because we grow and change as time goes on.

I do remember though when I first met him all those years ago that something sort of stood out in my memory about him and he had a special place in my mind but I had no idea it would lead to where I am now.. never in a billion years.
I relate to this, it ressonates. I was not initially attracted to my person, because I was happily with another but he 'stood out' in my memory when I look back. We also had a deep friendship which he expressed the importance of to me all the time, probably more so than I ever did. There was no 'love in the room' so to speak till after we consummated our attraction, I also never beleived it would end up where it sits at present. The physical satisfaction was so good it seemed to override everything, wanting it became an insatiable, unquenchable thirst which to be honest I took at first for what happens when two people first get together and get wrapped up in each other, it passes with time into a more easy companionate state.... only we never got there, it arrested.

Interesting to see everyones take on it although I would like to stress its not really 'about' finding a soulmate, but more about whether or not the connection they felt existed on both an emotional and sexual level.
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Old 06-20-2011, 06:14 PM
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This is the most...

cogent, self-aware, clear and concise definition of this oh-so-common dynamic I have ever read.

Wow.

My thoughts-- But will you allow it to effect change? For me, too, "the physical intimacy was profound, intense and passionate, and it left a stain." As did my desire to "save" my wife and be a hero (fed into my "I can control everything because I'm tantamount to a God complex).

Then I realized it was an irrational feeling that was causing me to hold on and that I was being a complete idiot.

So I divorced her. There's more to the story but I'll leave it at that.

I'd rather have great sex with a great woman, mediocre sex with a great woman, or just a few moments with Mr. Hand than great sex with a soul-sucking vampire as active alcoholics are (whether they mean to or not).

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Old 06-20-2011, 06:30 PM
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Cyranoak - its this very irrationality Im trying to get to the bottom of. Is the basis of the pure physical experience merely the product of an irrational emotional perspective.

At present it is thoughts of my RA (hes back in recovery apparently) as a lover which are my brick round my ankle. I take the point that a poison apple no matter how shiny, is still poison. thank you for your valuable thoughts
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Old 06-21-2011, 06:43 PM
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I've had intense immediate attraction to non-alcoholics. The immediate reaction to the RABF was "ho hum". It wasn't until I got to know him that there was something 'there' in him so we have always had a great connection. That translated to falling in love later on I suppose. But before we had sex I remember thinking it wasn't gonna be that great.. LOL (he is very quiet but still waters run deep).

So it was like a bunch of things had to go click click click before I felt such strong feelings for him. I don't think it had much to do with his being an alcoholic that makes him more intense. I think when people struggle and are dealing with heavy issues like alcoholism, it may make them desperate to connect with someone so they will feel less isolated. They pull out all the stops so that could feel like a different type of intensity perhaps (just thinking as I write here).

Many alcoholics are in fact very sensitive people emotionally. And don't forget they are seeking that endorphin rush, that 'high' and what better rush than sex, right? They leap first and think about consequences later.
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Old 06-21-2011, 08:41 PM
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hmmm. yes.

*ponders*

yes. I see what you're saying. I was not immediately attracted either, but I was 'fending' him off, my RA is a very manly suit wearing power type, I tend to go for non threatening tshirt wearing slimbuilt guy who aren't necessarily 'men' in that sense of the word (childhood abuse issues of mine).

todays been a struggle. But Im getting through it.
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Old 06-21-2011, 09:08 PM
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This is a timely thread, so thank you. I am dealing with a very intense connection to my boyfriend who drinks. I am struggling right now, back at al-anon thankfully. Keeping the focus on myself, and recognizing that I am powerless...

We are incredibly compatible sexually, and we get along well in so many other ways. Except I just don't want to be around him or talk to him on the phone when he's been drinking. Trying to explain it to him is difficult, I am horrible about setting boundaries and sticking to them, especially with him!! But I am trying!!
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Old 06-21-2011, 09:38 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
i don't buy into the soulmate thing....however i once believed i had found my soulmate. lots of chemistry, lots of sensuality, lots of feeling "known" - to some degree ALL that WAS true....however it was two toxic people feeding off of each other, like mutual cannibalism. to this day he remains on my mind...i thought he was the love of my life.
This...this is what I am trying to extract myself from today. Thank you Anvil. I could not have described it better myself.
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