outonalimb

I feel sick to my stomach...angry as hell...beside myself with worry.

So I let go.

I mean I really and truly let go.

I never really let go before. For years, I'd kind of let go but I'd see him begin to spiral and I'd step in. Fearful of how far he'd actually sink.

I compromised my own well being and the well being of my son to try and help this man I married and had a child with.

But 8 weeks ago...at the end of my rope...I honestly and truly let go.
I went no contact with him.
Put ALL of my focus on me...my recovery...our son and his well being.

As I said in an earlier thread, my exah has been wandering around a very rough city about 30 miles from my home. A Sheriff's Deputy had contacted me Saturday afternoon and said my exah was clearly disoriented...without a car or any ID. No cell phone. My exah gave the deputies my name and number and when they couldn't reach me, they dropped him off at a homeless shelter. After all, he wasn't breaking any laws.

My exah was beat up at the homeless shelter. They took his clothes and shoes. My exah disappeared into the bowels of this dangerous city. he tried calling me three times yesterday on other people's phones. Asking me to come get him.

I didn't answer the calls. I didn't know at the time that he had been beaten and robbed.

I didn't go get him because I can't help him. I've tried for years. You just can't help someone that doens't want help. What was I going to do with him? I've had him involuntarily committed to a psychiatric ward twice in the past. They never diagnosed him. Once his psychosis passed,they realeased him. And then he wouldn't follow up with doctor's care...woudlnt' take the meds prescribed....

And down he would spiral again. It's been a vicious cycle.

I pulled myself out of it. I had to.

I turned it over to God...

And how is God handling it? He's left my exah to wander around in a dangerous city with no shoes...no ID...no money...??? THIS is His answer? My exah probably doesn't even know where he is.

I'm sorry.

I'm really angry. I"m angry that I turned it over...finally and truly turned it over and left the care of my exah in God's hands...and this is where it leads him.

In my heart, I had hoped someone at the homeless shelter would have intervened and tried to get him help. Instead he was beaten and robbed.

I just feel sick.
REally sick.

And guilty. Because I could have gone out there to get him. I could have and I didn't. And now whatever happens is on me. That's how I feel.

This is what happens when you turn it over? For real?

outonalimb

And if my exah calls again, what am I going to do?

Go get him? And then what happens?
Leave him? What happens then?

I honestly DONT know what to do.

chicory

((((Outonalimb))))

No words of wisdom to offer you, just prayers. Prayers that he sees that he needs to take care of his self, instead of hoping that you will do it. If he has the clarity of mind to remember your number, he may be able to do more for his self than you think. I don't take this problem lightly- my heart goes out to you both.

keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,
chicory

TakingCharge999

Hugs, outonalimb, how sad and stressful for you to be in this situation, but you didn´t cause his problem, you can´t cure him, you can´t control what happens in his life. If I can gently give some advice it would be: don´t answer his calls. He knows where AA is. He could go to a church. He could go to a hospital. He could go to the psych ward. He could seek free counseling. There are places where he can get help for free.

Nothing that happened or will happen has to do with you outonalimb, it is his life and the consequences of his actions....perhaps what happened in the shelter makes him realize he can´t go on living this way, perhaps that´s his rock bottom.

You have given him many chances, he had many chances to get well and he has not taken them. Maybe he dies this way. That is the reality of addiction. And there is nothing anyone can do to help, if he doesn´t want help, as you said.

Hugs to you and to the little one

outonalimb

I know you're right.

I've lived with this fear for years now.

I guess my stumbling block is that there is an element of mental illness here.
I can understand leaving the alcoholic to live or die with the consequences of his decisions. As difficult as it is, I can understand this concept. But how does the equation change when there is also an element of mental illness involved? I'm having a hard time seperating the two in my mind and my heart.

The only thing I DO know...from years of trial and error...is that I CAN'T help him...whetehr its his mental illness or his addiction/alcoholism...there is nothing I can say or do to help him. I have nearly destroyed myself trying in the past. So if he calls again, I have to leave him in God's care and protect myself and our son from the fall out of this situation.

It just breaks my heart.
I keep thinking about the man I married. what happened to him? Where did he go?

wellwisher

I am an alcoholic. I'm not so sure there is a mental illness (as I would define mental illness) at play here. I base this on the info you posted saying he was not diagnosed. It is difficult for a diagnosis to be made for a bona fide mental illness unless the alcoholic abstained for a six to twelve month period from alcohol. I was told this during the educational portion of my inpatient treatment.

I have a childhood friend that was put into a psychiatric ward for two weeks when she became delusional, and all the time she was there, she thought she was at the beach until she cleared up. She came out of that episode with no medications prescribed, according to her; but I really don't know the truth because she's been unable to tell it for years. The info I get from her sister. The delusions cleared when the alcohol was removed. Unfortunately, she's still drinking today.

The point I'm making is that his behavior may be directly attributable to his addiction. While it probably doesn't make you much feel better, I am hoping to relieve you of the concept that you are turning your back on a mentally ill person in favor of no longer enabling the alcoholic. They very well can be one and the same.

Prayers to both of you.

Tally

Honey, your exah is a grown man. Maybe God did this to him, maybe he did it to himself.

You can't save him and you're not responsible for him. You can rescue him but what will that tell him? That he can behave as he wishes and you will bail him out?

Ok, he didn't deserved to be robbed and beaten but if he wasn't at that shelter because he was homeless and drunk, he wouldn't have been in that situation to begin with. Inadvertently, these are the consequences of his actions. The consequences he needs to feel for him to want to make a change. Whether he makes that change is entirely up to him.

You can do nothing.

If you do something you will be affirming his belief that you are responsible for him and his behaviour.

If you do something you will be enabling him to carry on behaving like this.

You are not responsible.

Very sorry you are hurting but you ARE doing the right thing, as hard as it is.

outonalimb

THank you so much for your replies and reassurance.

You have no idea how much they have helped me this morning.

catlovermi

The key here is the guilt: why do you feel guilty for someone elses choices and conseqences?

The truth is: you did to stop YOUR sickness what your X did not do to stop HIS. By that, I mean he went ahead and engaged in the behaviors of his sickness that led to dire consequences - ending in a beating and robbery, both avoidable but the results of his choices.

You DID NOT ENGAGE with HIS crisis. Herein you stopped the cycle of YOUR sickness. You did not trade his crisis and turn it into yours, bringing his sickness and consequences back into your life at close range to poison you and your life, AND your son's life.

It feels awful, but it was the right thing to do.

Your feeling of guilt is the co-dependendent's analagous thing to an addict's jonessing for a hit.


CLMI

m1k3

((((hugs))))

Outonalimb, I am so sorry for you. As everyone else as said you are doing the right thing for your recovery and especially doing the right thing for you son's recovery. It would not have been healthy for him so to see your AH in that state in you had gone and 'rescued' him. You have done your son and your self a great deal of good by keeping out of this and letting your AH to resolve his problem his way.

I will pray for your family today that you all have the strength to see yourselves through it crisis.

Your friend,

dollydo

My exabf has been through the same stuff. He was in the physc ward several times, they tossed pills at him and off he went, he too, did not take the pills, he sold them.
Did his addictions cause all his mental events or was he unbalanced before he started drugs and alcohol? No one knows, yet the bottom line is that he is indeed sick as is your ex.

You have detached, detatachment allows us to let go of our obsession with anothers behavior. You cannot save him, no matter what you do, he is in the HP's hands (and always has been,your turning your ex over is for your well being) you have no control. Even if you rush in and scoop him up, it will not change the outcome, the HP is calling the shots.

I have questioned many times why god would put such a tomented person as my ex on the face of the earth. There is no answer, so I have left him in his hands. When he is ready to call him, he will, until then, I will stay out of his way.

Guilt, well it is a negative emotion. Reflect on whose responsibility it is that he is on the street, you know the answer, his. Guilt is tied to what our beliefs are about what is right or wrong, moral or immoral. With that said, who am I to decide what is right or wrong for another person? To me, guilt serves a purpose, it is a tool that I can use to self correct myself, not anyone else. It provides me with re-enforcement to not repeat the same action(s).

Out, please continue to let go, you cannot and will not change the outcome for him. All you are doing is beating your head against the wall, getting yourself all upset about an issue that you have no control over and never will.

I know it's painful to watch, but you cannot continue to carry his sickness with you, it is determental to your well-being, and, has a very negative effect on your son. You are a good caring mom, I know you do not want that.

You know that I care, please give my words some thought.

SoloMio

I also feel for you... my mom basically did what you did, let my dad go. She had to--she had four children to take care of, and we were all suffering with his drinking.

She was very brave, and I have thanked her in my heart every day for doing that.

I thank her even though this dad that I loved (he was artistic, sensitive, funny, and kind when he was sober), wound up in the Bowery in New York.

I thank her even though he died of heart attack on the streets at age 43.

I thank her even though the authorities said we were lucky he had his wallet on him, otherwise he would have been an anonymous DOA at the city morgue.

I thank her even though we suffered with the pain of his demise for years.

I thank God that his suffering is over.

Believe me, I never blamed my mother for not running to him and picking up his pieces, for she is not to be blamed. Neither are you. Be good to yourself. I know how hard this is for you, and admire your courage.

suki44883

Because I could have gone out there to get him. I could have and I didn't. And now whatever happens is on me. That's how I feel.

I hope you know, deep down, that this is not true. Nothing is "on you." Even if mental illness plays a part, he has had opportunity for help. He has been prescribed medication but refuses to take it; refuses to do his follow up work with the doctors. These are all choices HE made.

This following is said with true compassion: You are not his mother, and if you'll read around this forum, you will see that even if you were, what he chooses to do is not your responsibility. Do you honestly believe that the many mothers and fathers who post here don't feel the exact same feelings you are? Still, they have come to realize that they cannot help someone who will not help themselves, no matter how much they love their addict.

God didn't do anything to him and neither did you. He is facing the consequences of his own bad choices. It is crucial that he do so. He must become so uncomfortable with where his decisions have taken him that he becomes willing to do whatever is necessary to get better. Until that happens, nothing is going to change. If you rescue him, you will be interfering with the very thing that just might bring him to the point of surrender.

barb dwyer

just chiming in to say 'well said, Suki'.

To turn something over to God
means to let God do
what God does
as God sees fit
to do it
in God's own time.

It's my personal experience
that the Infinite offers opportunities
that we either see or we don't.
That we either take
or we don't
that we either choose-
or we don't.

So far in THIS lifetime
(since it's the only one I can remember it's the one I'm using for reference)
"God" has never come through
when I thought I needed something.

But the Infinite has ALWAYS
come through
when I was ready.

There's an element of trust in that
that I have now
that I never had before.

Maybe this is part of your learning that trust.
For yourself, I mean.

Tuffgirl

So sorry you had to go through that experience. I come from a family with serious mental illness. We can't stop them, either. I am grateful today for those experiences with my loved ones as it has made detaching easier knowing I can't stop the A in my life from their downward spiral any more than I could have stopped my loved ones from having a psychotic episode and ending up God knows where.

Everyone here has already given very good suggestions on changing your perspective of what happened, and I can only say "ditto" to that. There is absolutely nothing you can do. He is a grown man who has the legal right to make his own choices, even if they are bad, bad choices. The guilt you feel belongs to you - that is your sickness to heal from. You don't need to have it - that is the good news. You can love him and pray for him and turn it over to God, but you don't have to feel guilt, regret, or remorse over someone else's actions.

Here's something I read recently:
"Detachment is understanding that we are never the cause of someone else's actions"

We live in a society that wants to blame others for every unfortunate situation that befalls us. Taking responsibility for the experiences we have, particularly when they are unpleasant, is not behavior that comes naturally to us. Most of us likely pattern our ideas and attitudes after those we observed in our homes, Our parents mimicked their parents, too, no doubt, so this habit has had a long life. It controls how most of us see and think and behave. It has colored the attitudes of the people with whom we are sharing this journey. But its time to stop this merry-go-round of blame.

No one can cause us to act in a particular way, and we are not to blame for anyone else's actions, either. Other's actions are theirs, and solely theirs. Likewise, our choices about how to behave are ours. We might influence others or be influenced, but the final decision about how one acts falls with the one acting. We may not be all too happy about taking full responsibility for ourselves in every instance, not in relinquishing the responsibility for how others behave. But we will grow accustomed to this, and it will free us from many burdens. Time will prove this to be true.

Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment, Karen Casey

Freedom1990

My thoughts were the same-do you know for a fact the story is true?

I'm dually diagnosed, and it's my responsibility to address my mental health issues, as well as work a program of recovery.

You said:
That's on him, not you.

I get your anger with God, I really do. I also feel the fear underneath that anger.

What is currently happening has nothing to do with God and everything to do with an alcoholic who is running rampant on self will.

Find comfort in the fact you've done everything you can, and release those unpleasant emotions like guilt that aren't yours to begin with.

:ghug3

m1k3

Barb, thank you very much for that post. What spoke to me was where you used 'the Infinite' instead of God. That spoke to something inside me as I have been trying to work through being an atheist and the higher power requirements. I can't explain it but it just feels right, so if you don't mind I am going to hijack the Infinite as my higher power also. I think there's enough to go around.

((((hugs))))

BarelyHere

I am so sorry for what you are going through. But you know that you did not cause it.
I keep thinking of the other posts and the phrase " which came first the chicken or the egg".
My rah had a very heavy 6yr opiate & alcohol addiction. He is 6 mo sober & yet there is a lot of "mental work" to be done. A lot of rewiring. He is not the man he used to be. I keep hearing that as he goes along he will get better.
I remember a few months ago I saw on the news that Kathryn Zeta Jones was diagnosed as bipolar. It was caused by stress that she had gone through with her husbands cancer diagnosis. That was new to me.
I guess our situations can cause a lot of mental anguish.
My doctor calls my depression "situational depression". Meaning not due to a chemical inbalance, just too much s**t!
Good luck & sending good thoughts your way!

eaglette

I concur with all that's been said here...and like anvil I am hesitant to believe the story about having been robbed and beaten up unless you know for a fact (as in, not just him telling you). My ex came home one night claiming to have been mugged at gunpoint and then made a huge dramatic scene when I seemed suspicious. The fact is, he wasn't. He actually beat himself up a bit to make it look that way because he spent all our money on pills and needed something to back up his story as to why he needed MORE money. Be wary.

Mental health issues often spawn from alcoholism/addiction and vice versa.
You need to do what's best for YOU. It seems like you have taken a huge step, and your ex-husband will likely do whatever he can to get you back because you are his enabler. Without you, he has to make it on his own. With you enabling him, he never will because he will never have to. The law of attraction is at play. Whatever he attracts into his life, he has attracted it. If you stay with him, your life will remain entangled in his addiction. There are lessons he has to learn, and your interference or support will only prolong the inevitable, allowing him to peacefully fall deeper and deeper into his addiction.

Seren

(((outonalimb))) I'm sorry you are hurting and that your XAH is making such poor choices right now, but how many times can you "rescue the poor creature only to have him to right back out and run into traffic".

As all the others have said, you are not to blame for anything that happens to him. You have had him involuntarily committed, and he got out. He has seen doctors, but doesn't do anything they advise or take his medication as prescribed. You are not strong enough to fix him.

Sending you and your precious son hugs and prayers. Sending prayers out for your EXAH, too.

HG