Tealvertigo

Hi there, you all know me as a recovering stimulant addict. I haven't posted here in a long time due to my success in avoiding prescription stimulants. However, I have always been an off-and-on prescription opiate user. I'm not sure if it is defined as an addiction, as it has never been consistent. However, because I have never been diagnosed with an addiction to it, I am leaving myself open to the possibility that I *am* addicted. I just don't want to jump to conclusions myself.

I am not posting because of long-term alcohol and opiate abuse. Rather, I understand I am falling back into the bad habit of heavy drinking and popping prescription painkillers since beginning summer break from college. I understand where I am going and I simply would like some support so that I can handle this before it impacts my family, my friends, and myself further.

I am a sufferer of very bad Bipolar Disorder II. I find myself constantly tired and depressed, which was the motivation for my previous stimulant abuse (Adderall, Ritalin, etc.). I found myself initially abusing the drugs simply because I hated being tired and, as an artist, I hated being unable to make art during depressed episodes and seasons. However, I later realized I was abusing stimulants for the sake of self-medication, which pushed me to seek treatment. I have since not abused prescription stimulants for over a year. I am, however, on a non-abusable stimulant that is a slow-release alternative that is very difficult to become addicted to. I am happy with this option and am thankful that it is available.

Upon coming back from college, I found myself immersed in chaos in my household. My mom, who suffers from OCD (as I do), constantly rushes back and forth and has breakdowns when things 'aren't right' around the house. This generates a tremendous amount of stressful energy that I feel is bad for me, as I am trying to manage my own anxiety. I began using leftover painkillers that my mom held onto me for emergencies and drinking several beers a day to cope.

At school, I rarely drink. At most, I'll have one beer every two weeks to unwind. When I get home and re-enter the chaos, however, I find myself falling into the heavy abuse of things that calm me down.

When I say I hate having to post here, I don't at all mean that I hate posting here in general. However, I realize it is necessary to help me get back on track. My substance abuse makes me feel like a dirty and corrupt individual. However, I feel unable to want to drop it due to the emotional and anxiety problems that plague me. I feel my current medications are not working for the most part, and I have told my psychiatrist about it several times with little significant adjustments to my meds. I am becoming very frustrated and impatient.

At the same time, I am angry at the thought that I probably need help. I am also severely frightened at the thought of having no substances to keep me balanced. It is extremely hard living with such a difficult mood disorder even with medications. To me, my substance abuse doesn't feel like fun or recreation- it feels like necessary medication, even though I know it is bad.

So, sorry for the long post. I hope I find what I am looking for here before I ruin the relations I have with my family and friends.

instant

it sounds complex and difficult. I hope you find posting here helpful to you and you find peace