AMANDA911

My husband is about 6 weeks not drinking, but i do not believe he is in recovery. He was the first 4 weeks but that has stopped (not sure why) and I am seeing old behaviors, just no drinking yet.

I have been so damaged by the effects of someone elses drinking that it is not even funny. I have lived with so much disfunction that I don't know how to act/react in a healthy way. I am not using this an an excuse and I am not blaming him for my character defects (there are many). I am saying that living with all this crazyness all these years has made me one confused person.

Thanks to Al-anon I am getting a little better. I am treating myself better. I am starting to see some things as they really are for the first time. The veil of denial is slowly being lifted from my eyes, painful as that has been. I am learning to stop blaming myelf for everything.I am learning to take responsibility for my part in "it" and apologize (when my confused brain is capable of recognizing this).

But I just don't know what to say anymore. The first three weeks when he was embracing the program we had some great talks and we were getting along fine. I was able to express myself and he was being rational. I truley felt he was working hard at recovery. But now that I am seeing signs he is not working very hard I am so often silent. I am not good at expressing my needs or recognizing them for that matter. I can get things straight in my head some, but I don't know what to say. so I just don't say anything to avoid a fight.

He won't talk about things now. He just ignores things. He refuses to talk about things. He runs from issues and I let him because you can't make someone deal with something they don't want to deal with. It's pointless. So we end up not talking about things that need discussed.

I sit silently while I am being verbally attacked. I feel that I am being lied to, but I do nothing about it, other than now I can recognize that I may be being lied to. I feel speaking will just cause an unproductive fight. I don't want to fight with him. I don't want to beat my head against a brick wall. It seems no matter what i say at times, it gets twisted up in his head. and he precieves it as an insult or as me being sinde and he uses everything i say as a way to attack me if he is in the mood to attack. He can turn, "how are you today" into an attack if he is in the mood to attack.

I think my husband is confused by my silence. Smetimes he surely must be thinking I am buying his QUACKING by my silence. SOmetimes he probably thinks I am giving him the silent treatment, like he has given me so many times. He probably thinks I am being cold and withdrawn sometimes. He probably thinks my silence means his abuse is working to "keep me in my place", not that he sees it as abuse. It just I don't know what to say.The words won't come. I have used my tounge as my sorwd so many times in the past. I don't want to do that, so I say nothing.

I sit back silently while he lies to himself and me and makes up excuses about why he had to miss this AA meeting or that outpatient class. He is choosing not to go and making excuses and he is just trying to justify his excuses to himself. I don't buy them anymore but I can't find the words to kindly tell him that I know it is an excuse. Is it even my place to try and bring it to his attention that it is a bulls**t excuse? Am I supposed to just sit silenlty by while he lies to himself? I don't know how to hold him accountable without being controling and a nag. I don't know what i should do, so I do nothing. Is doing nothing and being silent the same as ignoring the elephant in the living room? I am no longer ignoring it in my head. I talk to my children about it, but I can't seem to talk to the elephant about it.

i have learned many things I am not supposed to do.I know I am not supposed to take his invetory.I have my own to worry about. I know I am not supposed to try and force solutions. I know I am not supposed to try and control him or anyone else for that matter. I know I am not going to make someone listen who does not want to listen by repeteing he same thing over and over again louder and louder each time. I know i am not supposed to tatle on him to his family or his sponsor. And I am not doing that, but I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I also know you all can't tell me what to do. But do you have any ESH?

TakingCharge999

Hi Amanda!

I kindly suggest going to a therapist with experience in addiction and codependency. Would you be open to go to one? perhaps don´t even tell your AH.

It seems he is being the best person he can be. And I don´t think its your place to confront him. I think what is in your hands is to decide what you want for your life. Realize what your options are. Realize what you can do now that you know he is attacking you verbally. This is domestic abuse. You don´t have to get hit to be abused.

Call the DV line for safety tips/advice. Please don´t wait for more time to pass. As you know abusers start with verbal attacks and situations can easily escalate.


Am I Being Abused?

How is your relationship?
Does your partner:
Embarrass you with put-downs?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
Make all of the decisions?
Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
Prevent you from working or attending school?
Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
Force you to try and drop charges?
Threaten to commit suicide?
Threaten to kill you?
If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions,
you may be in an abusive relationship.
For support and more information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or at TTY 1-800-787-3224.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Seek a therapist, clarity will come to you. That is what happened to me. You and your kids deserve much more than this and are in danger. I also thought "it won´t happen to me" when XABF was verbally abusive and insulting, and I am glad I asked for help before something else made him angry and he used me as a punching bag, or worse. There is a different life out there waiting for you, but it will take determination and action, please seek the experts to give you the tools you need to regain control of your life the best way possible...

outonalimb

(((((Amanda)))))))

Your post touches my heart.

I know the place you're in. I"ve been there.

I"m struggling this morning and don't know if I"m the best person to offer any ESH. I simply want to give you a hug. It sounds like you've got some difficult decisions to make. It sounds like you're ah's behavior might be pushing you to make those decisions a little sooner than you had planned or prepared for. Take care of you and your kids. Let him be. He's going to do whatever he's going to do. There is no point in talking about it with him or arguing. It is what it is. The only question is...where are YOU headed?

Hugs...I know its so hard...

Tally

I could have written your post 2 years ago. My ex stopped drinking but nothing changed. He denied any wrong doing. Didn't do any recovery work. Twisted everything around so things were my fault. Was verbally and emotionally abusive. Refused to talk about problems. Pretended there was nothing wrong. Denied being abusive. Denied being angry. Didn't want any responsibility. Didn't want me to have any expectations. Ignored my unhappiness and pretended things were fine.

I could be sitting in tears, with tears rolling down my cheeks and he would just chat to me as if I was sitting there smiling, that's how strong his denial was.

I came to the conclusion that if he forced himself to acknowledge how unhappy I was, he would have to admit his part in it and make changes and he didn't want to do that.
In the end it boiled down to him not actually caring that I was unhappy, he just wanted to do his own thing, be left alone and not have me moaning or nagging.

I couldn't live like that any more. So I made plans and eventually I split up with him.

Ask yourself these questions.

What do you love about your husband as he is NOW?

Are you happy? I don't mean walking around every day with a big smile on your face...because that hardly ever happens...but just in general, in the pit of your stomach, are you happy and content?

Do you think he will change?

Are you in love with what he could be or what he once was?

What makes you feel as though this is all your worth? Why do you accept his behaviour?


If you can answer those questions honestly and be at peace with the answers, then stick with him. If you can't then you must try and make changes for yourself. Forget him and concentrate on you.

That could mean leaving him. That could mean staying with him but making a life for yourself that doesn't include him in it. It means whatever you want it to mean.

I came to a point when I just knew that I was worth more than he was able to give me.

I also relate to feeling messed up. I do too. Nearly two years later and I'm still unsure of how I should react to certain situations, how I should respond to men...becoming codependent seriously messed me up but I feel more positive about things in general because I'm aware of my issues and trying to resolve them.

Feeling stuck only makes you feel more crazy.

GettingBy

Hi Amanda -

Your post is so timely for me this morning! My AH said to me last night, "You don't talk anymore. You used to talk all the time - you always had something to say. Now a days your responses are usually one word - yes or no - or I don't know. What's up with that?" My response was, "I just don't have anything to say. That's it. I used to have so many opinions on everything - and now, I don't." I'm changing... and it's good for me. I'm no longer sticking my nose into other people's business, and by doing so, it minimizes the amount of conflict and drama I willing bring into my life.

I was in the shower this morning, thinking about my conversation with my AH and the thought popped into my head...

When you marry an alcoholic, you shouldn't have wedding vows - you should be read your Miranda Warning!

You DO have the right to remain silent. And he's reacting to this change in you. When we stop participating in their dance, they are left to dance alone... noone there with them to blame. My AH will do whatever he can to try and pull me back into the blame/shame game. (See my post from this weekend!!) Al-anon helps me stay out of his stuff - and sometimes the best way to do that is staple my mouth shut!!

Alone22

Amanda I am right there with you. I could have written your post pretty much word for word. The advise here is fantastic and reassures me that I am on the right path. My RAH and I rarely talk anymore. The conversations we do have are about nothing too deep. The last time I tried to really sit down and talk with him( 2 weeks ago) it ended by him blaming me and his job for all the stress he has. He was mad and ranting like a young boy. What it showed me was that I am done trying to have any meaningful conversations with him. I think they call it going to the hardware store for bread. He is just not there and for whatever reason can't be at this point. Can he in the future? I don't know. I don't think he really knows either. He is working his recovery (or so he says) so if in fact he continues with his steps, continues not to drink and the toxic brain he has right now clears maybe we can one day actually rebuild our relationship.

Meanwhile I am working on me. Trying to figure out what I need in order to make my life more stable. I don't trust that my RAH illness will not take over his life. I refused to be dragged down with him. I am taking steps to gain more control over my own future. The biggest one for me was the decision that I have to go back to work to a career I gave up 11 years ago to be a stay at home mom. This change is going to be hard on everyone in the family, but I feel it is what I need to do to protect my financial future, my sanity, to ensure my kids and I have a nice place to live, to be able to pay for their college, etc. I feel like I am finally seeing how unpredictable alcoholism is. I would highly recommend finding what you need to do to make you feel better about your future.

Our own recovery is hard work. I sat and cried at my last alanon meeting over the topic of gossiping. It really hit me at my core. I was raised in an alcoholic family, and even those extended family members who were not alcoholics sat and gossiped a lot. There is so much judgment in gossip and growing up hearing that put me on edge my entire life. I came to realize that as I shared my thoughts. It really took me by surprise. I am so fearful of what others think of me it holds me back from really just enjoying life. Too fearful of making a mistake because I could be the next target. Wanting every I dotted and every T crossed to lessen the possibility of an error. Moments like this tell me how much healing I need to go through before I feel better about myself. As much as I would love for my RAH to emotionally be there for me while I struggle through recovery and life, he doesn't have the capacity to be. It used to make me feel very unloved, but now I understand it is just a symptom of his sickness. However I also know I can't go on forever waiting for my marriage to get better and to feel and have the love I so deserve.

I finally understand that I need to let my RAH find his own way and not try to influence his path. The focus I used to give to his illness I need to give to mine.

Leaping

@GettingBy : Miranda Warning! Love that, made me laugh today. Thanks for that, very insightful

@Amanda: I too have been where you are. I felt numb. Numb to the lies, the manipulation. Being numb is ok, being silent is ok. I had to be careful not to spend too much time trying to analyze him or try to figure out what he is thinking. Your AH is not thinking logically, rationally or normally. His brain is toxic and needs a long time (I have read a year or more!) to start functioning. Be quiet and listen to the voice inside you that tells you what you need, the red flag that tells you that you are not being treated the way you deserve to be treated. Focus your energy, your healing on you. Let him do him.

No one can live with an alcoholic for any length of time and not feel numb.

AMANDA911

Thank you all for sharing with me. I have a lot to think about and a lot of options to explore and carefully consider now that you all have helped me open my eyes wider to them.

I have considered councling/therapy. I am not ready yet but I have thought about it.

TakingCharge999

Therapy is wonderful. Just knowing I am reserving an hour a week for myself is enough to make me feel that yes, I DO matter, too. Well now I am on a therapy break but planning to go back. Progress not perfection