been a while
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
been a while
in less than two weeks, i'll be leaving.
and im starting to get anxiety. it's not so much about being scared about actually moving and starting my life somewhere ENTIRELY new--i KNOW that it will be fine, it's life--it's what i make of it. i am in love with the city i am moving to. i have friends there. i have old friends actually moving there. it all feels in line with what the universe wants. it's everything i've always wanted (and then some)...
HOWEVER, and this is a BIG one--i can feel myself having anxiety over the LEAVING part [of the move]. i wont be in the same city... i wont be one block away... i wont be able to run into the xAbf. i wont be hanging out, driving by, grocery shopping, at every place we've shared on a daily basis. this is what i wanted, right? or more accurately, it's what i needed.
it all feels like i'm walking toward this life, this "good" life... and im not scared of it... im walking one step forward like i know i should... but honestly, it feels like im being pushed... like im dragging my feet with my shoulders slouched as if im defeated... getting marched out of a land/being i dont really want to leave, but must because the environment is too hostile and there's no future to be had. and the thought of actually LEAVING is soooooo hard. i know it's a while away... a couple weeks... i dont need to worry about that day i drive out of here, the home i found with him, but I am... if the thought is almost unbearable now... how will i fare?
i hate to think that i'll be leaving, weak instead of strong--like im supposed to... like everyone thinks i should... because it's soo damn obvious and logical to just "get over it"--but it's honestly like walking away from something you dreamt of being and thought were attaining and completely believed in.
no one wins... he's still depressed and an alcoholic (himself professed when i ran into him a couple weeks ago)... and yet, it's not a situation where im like "yay! way to dodge that bullet! whew!" it isn't that way for me. i still feel incredibly sad. i know i cant change, cure, control...
but it's just so freaking sad... so freaking unfair... i didn't win anything, i wasn't seeing it that way--but yet, now i feel like im unwillingly surrendering. i am defeated. that is how i feel. i am defeated and i understand i have to accept it and move on... but it doesn't take away the overwhelming feeling of sadness and failure and dejection and anxiety that ensues.
i haven't posted in a while--in fear because most of my postings are highly emotional. so, i apologize if i sound like a whiney person--i guess i could just write down these feelings in a journal, but i figured maybe someone out there could relate and help me to not feel so alone in my feelings?
and im starting to get anxiety. it's not so much about being scared about actually moving and starting my life somewhere ENTIRELY new--i KNOW that it will be fine, it's life--it's what i make of it. i am in love with the city i am moving to. i have friends there. i have old friends actually moving there. it all feels in line with what the universe wants. it's everything i've always wanted (and then some)...
HOWEVER, and this is a BIG one--i can feel myself having anxiety over the LEAVING part [of the move]. i wont be in the same city... i wont be one block away... i wont be able to run into the xAbf. i wont be hanging out, driving by, grocery shopping, at every place we've shared on a daily basis. this is what i wanted, right? or more accurately, it's what i needed.
it all feels like i'm walking toward this life, this "good" life... and im not scared of it... im walking one step forward like i know i should... but honestly, it feels like im being pushed... like im dragging my feet with my shoulders slouched as if im defeated... getting marched out of a land/being i dont really want to leave, but must because the environment is too hostile and there's no future to be had. and the thought of actually LEAVING is soooooo hard. i know it's a while away... a couple weeks... i dont need to worry about that day i drive out of here, the home i found with him, but I am... if the thought is almost unbearable now... how will i fare?
i hate to think that i'll be leaving, weak instead of strong--like im supposed to... like everyone thinks i should... because it's soo damn obvious and logical to just "get over it"--but it's honestly like walking away from something you dreamt of being and thought were attaining and completely believed in.
no one wins... he's still depressed and an alcoholic (himself professed when i ran into him a couple weeks ago)... and yet, it's not a situation where im like "yay! way to dodge that bullet! whew!" it isn't that way for me. i still feel incredibly sad. i know i cant change, cure, control...
but it's just so freaking sad... so freaking unfair... i didn't win anything, i wasn't seeing it that way--but yet, now i feel like im unwillingly surrendering. i am defeated. that is how i feel. i am defeated and i understand i have to accept it and move on... but it doesn't take away the overwhelming feeling of sadness and failure and dejection and anxiety that ensues.
i haven't posted in a while--in fear because most of my postings are highly emotional. so, i apologize if i sound like a whiney person--i guess i could just write down these feelings in a journal, but i figured maybe someone out there could relate and help me to not feel so alone in my feelings?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I understand and have been there. It took me three times to finally leave a relationship I knew was toxic 2 weeks into it. Over a year to finally do it. Even when you know you are doing the right thing, change is hard.
The feelings of defeat and disappointment are normal because you are grieving. The dream of what was to be, the life you wanted and hoped for, his recovery and the person you'de hoped he would eventually be, all the dreams are officially shattered when you finally make the decision to move on, so it's okay to grieve for them. Just don't get too caught up in it, and grieve for too long.
Regret is normal, too. Remember that, I was so happy to read about that in an Alanon book. Regret does not mean we made the wrong decision. It is a part of the grieving process, and completely normal.
The definition of fear:
False
Expectations
Appearing
Real
The future holds wonderful things for you. Just keep telling yourself that, and eventually you will start believing it.
The feelings of defeat and disappointment are normal because you are grieving. The dream of what was to be, the life you wanted and hoped for, his recovery and the person you'de hoped he would eventually be, all the dreams are officially shattered when you finally make the decision to move on, so it's okay to grieve for them. Just don't get too caught up in it, and grieve for too long.
Regret is normal, too. Remember that, I was so happy to read about that in an Alanon book. Regret does not mean we made the wrong decision. It is a part of the grieving process, and completely normal.
The definition of fear:
False
Expectations
Appearing
Real
The future holds wonderful things for you. Just keep telling yourself that, and eventually you will start believing it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
I can very much relate.
Thank heavens for the SR'ers like Barb, KitttyKitty and Anvil, right? Such wisdom and warmth.
Yes, I relate. Keep going.
We can't imagine how terrific life will be, but we can leave ourselves open to that option and possiblity.
Thank heavens for the SR'ers like Barb, KitttyKitty and Anvil, right? Such wisdom and warmth.
Yes, I relate. Keep going.
We can't imagine how terrific life will be, but we can leave ourselves open to that option and possiblity.
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