pennywistle

I haven't posted in here for awhile because I felt it was necessary to focus on my own issues with drinking, but something happened today with my A. mother that really pushed me over the edge and I don't have anyone to talk about it with right now, and maybe someone here will be able to relate.

I have been keeping my distance from my mom for awhile now, especially after I have been having flashbacks of her abuse while growing up (as well as the more 'invisible' types of crap now that I'm an adult). I even emailed her a few days ago telling her I'd like to have as little contact with her and the rest of my family at this time, to which there was no response.

This afternoon my mom called me sounding drunk (and doing a really bad job of trying to conceal it which just made herself sound worse) and as usual it made me very uncomfortable and I didn't know what to say, so I ended the conversation abruptly by telling her I had my hands full and had to go.
Then the guilt came creeping in.
I felt bad and started to worry about her, so I called her back figuring since it's father's day (she's w/o a dad, like me) she was pretty down.
When I called she said that she was fine and continued to complain about everyday things like housework and 'can't get the part for this, need new dentures, etc.', basically typical 'everyday' complaints from her. And she starts using all this 'we' and 'us' and 'you and I' and 'you and I are in the same boat' crap.

At one point I couldn't tell anymore if she was drinking or if she were just tired, so I let her go on, and on, and on. And before I knew it she had me pinned down listening to her depressing 'poor me' monologue and I felt as if she were trying to keep me on the phone as long as possible by using tactics. She loves to put me on hold while she rolls a cigarette as well, which really grosses me out (but not as much as she does when she eats and talks on the phone with her mouth full and that I find to be very manipulative.

Once we hung up, I felt what I can only describe as 'conned'. All she wanted was someone to vent to and hold captive, and at the very end of our conversation I realized that she had indeed been drinking all day.

It's times like these that make me want to change my phone number. I'm really upset and this is just one of many times this has happened where she calls drunk, I end the conversation, then and the guilt ridden video tape of her falling down and hurting herself -again- starts playing in my head and I call her back and then it's "Oh, I'm great! So now that I hooked you in, let me dump all my crap on you and you can be my personal audience!".

Sorry if any of this sounds mean, or has grossed anyone out, but I'm tired of this game.
I'd love to know if this is common and how I can stop it.

Thanks, Penny

Goldberry

I must say the first part of your post sounded so like my mom over the last couple years and what just happened to me this last week that I went, wow same here. But in retrospect I realize that in my case my mom is lonely and when she gets me on the phone to talk or complain I know she just needs someone to talk to about anything and when she's been drinking she is depressed and so she talks about depressing things. I hate it too because she goes on and on and sometimes I just sit there and listen mostly.But just last week when she called I could tell she was drunk and I had a great true excuse so I could get off the phone fast. I had the urge to call back later, just like you did, but this time I didn't. I waited till the next day and called. She was much more herself and we had a better conversation. It's all in the timing, for me before 4p is usually best. She has called so drunk that she is mumbling and I know she is about to pass out. I'll tell her to go to bed and hope my dad will come and rescue me. I have hung up before but felt guilty. I too have visions of her falling and she has many times already. My situation is different from you because my mom was not an alcoholic when I was growing up, she has become one in her senior years. This makes me so sad and angry. I love her so much and wish her family was worth getting help. So far the wine is more important.

I believe the only way to cope is to make your excuses if she is drunk and call back when she is more sober, usually in the early part of the day. I don't know how to stop it except to use the tools that alanon teaches and if you don't go to alanon meetings yet I would suggest you try it. I did and it has really helped me to understand alcoholism and how to cope with it. I would also keep showing her love and honor her as your mom, but don't be a doormat or let her rant on and on. It'a really not good for either of you. We can be strong and decisive with love. Let's do it together!!! My prayers are with you.

dollydo

I have firm bounderies with my alcoholic mother, and she knows it.

If she is drunk, I will hang up
If she is mean to me, I will hang up
If she is trying to con me, I will hang up

That's how you stop it....bounderies, say what you mean and mean what you say.

MMkM

Thanks Dollydo - that just gives us back our power.

And how about making a boundary during a conversation
we have been lured in - it so easily happens.

Just say, no don't like this and the way you are manipulating
me - if an explanation is even required - and goodbye.

EveningRose

Apart from the drunk part, I felt like I was reading a post about my own mother. (It's my father who's the alcoholic.)

My mother used to hold me hostage with her long monologues of complaints. I have at times put the phone away, gone to do what I need to, and when I come back, she is still talking, not noticing I'm gone.

I don't feel conned, exactly, more like the emotional equivalent of her blow-up doll, and I don't mean to be disgusting, just saying that I'm there to fulfill her need so she's not out and out talking to walls, but she doens't want any real human being in me, she doesn't want any actual interaction. She doesn't care how my day went or what I think (it doesn't matter because she KNOWS what I think and tells everyone). She doesn't care how her negativity affects me (it's like being locked inside a huge, black cloud, it's difficult to breathe, it pounds the brain to mush, if that's of any interest to any world-class complainers reading this). She only cares that someone sits still, shuts up, and listens to her.

What to do about it?

First, I got tired of accepting it as normal and unchangeable.

Second, I started trying to change the subject to something more positive. I started trying to take part in the conversation.

Third, when I saw even more clearly that I simply am not a real person to her, I quit calling and quit visiting. It's been 3-1/2 years, and honestly? She doesn't seem to have noticed. She has other children and friends at church to talk to/at, and really, I think this is a boon to her, because I'm sure her evil, hard-hearted, ungrateful daughter is another gem in her repertoire of oft-told tales of how awful everything is.

I never bothered informing my family I didn't want to interact with them. That only creates more drama. Last January, I blocked my father's cell phone number after a dozen harrassing and threatening and verbally abusive voice mails from him. It would have done no good to tell him I was doing it. I just did it. Problem solved. If he makes similar calls from his home phone, that will get blocked, too.

I feel no guilt, maybe because I tried and forgave and turned the other cheek often enough. I told them as nicely as possible exactly what had to stop. And I simply feel no obligation to be treated like dirt.

Thumper

That is a familiar conversation to me.

You can stop it by not calling back.

My MIL was a little like that only she wasn't an A, just very co-dependent. All I had to do was start talking about something in my life and she quickly got off the phone, lol. My aunt is like that (also not an A but co-dependent) and she is harder for me to deal with. I love her and want a relationship but she does go on and likes to tell me what I think, feel, do wrong, how to parent, how to handle my life, mistakes, my kids terrible behavior, what I ought not do, etc. etc. Drives me nuts and I'm finally learning to a) never talk to her about topics to do with my life or my kids b) get off the phone c) not answer the phone if I'm not in the right frame of mind d) actually get up and walk away from her e) a few times I've been able to say something - need to work on that more f) remind myself of what is mine and what is hers. She tries to hand me her stuff (emotional manipulation stuff that she does subconciously I think) and I used to take it and make it mine. I'm learning to leave that alone. I have to really think about it but it works well for me.

Freedom1990

I had to learn to stop reacting to the guilt that I felt when abruptly ending a conversation with my mom.