Our own recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Our own recovery
I'm not having an easy time of this. My ABF is not changing, but I certainly am. How do I become the person I want to be? How do I even start to define that? How do I want to be when I'm around him? Why do I want to be around him? What am I supposed to do with the weird feelings?
Last night, I cried myself to sleep for being 'such a loser' for leaving my boyfriend, then had beautiful romantic dreams in which he changed into the man of my desires. He didn't, and now I am mentally twisted.
He said yesterday that I was too critical and judgmental - and I am. I no longer accept the unacceptable, and I'm new at it, and express it badly. And even if I were wonderfully adept at it, an active alcoholic is going to feel criticized.
The AlAnon meetings help. I'm not a big fan of therapists (I see them as emotional voyeurs) - but what do I do? As Barb said in another post, I consistently "choose intimate relationships with unreliable people." Serially, with no real break in between. Obviously, my first step is to come to a decision about my boyfriend. The definition of insanity really helps! Then I need to take a relationship break, which scares the heck out of me. And then? And then?
The 'what-ifs' hurt my head.
Any advice? Even bad or silly advice... I've painted myself into a corner.
Thank you,
Sylvie
Last night, I cried myself to sleep for being 'such a loser' for leaving my boyfriend, then had beautiful romantic dreams in which he changed into the man of my desires. He didn't, and now I am mentally twisted.
He said yesterday that I was too critical and judgmental - and I am. I no longer accept the unacceptable, and I'm new at it, and express it badly. And even if I were wonderfully adept at it, an active alcoholic is going to feel criticized.
The AlAnon meetings help. I'm not a big fan of therapists (I see them as emotional voyeurs) - but what do I do? As Barb said in another post, I consistently "choose intimate relationships with unreliable people." Serially, with no real break in between. Obviously, my first step is to come to a decision about my boyfriend. The definition of insanity really helps! Then I need to take a relationship break, which scares the heck out of me. And then? And then?
The 'what-ifs' hurt my head.
Any advice? Even bad or silly advice... I've painted myself into a corner.
Thank you,
Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
Sylvie,
You don't have to decide anything today. If you are undecided, you are undecided. The what-ifs can sort themselves out with time and work.
Have you read Co-Dependent No More? I found it, along with Al-Anon (and CODA) to be very helpful in helping me define (and find) me.
Remember, it's progress, not perfection.
You don't have to decide anything today. If you are undecided, you are undecided. The what-ifs can sort themselves out with time and work.
Have you read Co-Dependent No More? I found it, along with Al-Anon (and CODA) to be very helpful in helping me define (and find) me.
Remember, it's progress, not perfection.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
After my last relationship broke up (not with an alcoholic, but he had many of the same kinds of behaviors--especially manipulation), I went on indefinite relationship hiatus. During that period of time, I got sober in AA, myself, and have come to truly enjoy being on my own. I was like you--bounced from one relationship to the next, and had totally lost myself in the process. I had to re-learn what pleases me in my life.
Someday I may find someone who I want to share my life with, but it will be SHARING my life, not making myself into whatever my partner wants just for the sake of being in a relationship. I value my own self a lot more now than I did before.
Someday I may find someone who I want to share my life with, but it will be SHARING my life, not making myself into whatever my partner wants just for the sake of being in a relationship. I value my own self a lot more now than I did before.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Some things cannot be worked through without outside help, for example, therapy.
Somewhere I read that many women base their self worth on having a relationship with a man, while men base their self worth on their career.
To me, it does sound like you derive your self worth from having a man, hence you feel like a loser when you don't have one or let one go.
A healthy relationship requires a good handle on reality, not fantasies, what if's and so on. Whenever fantasies take the place of realty the relationship suffers. Sometimes romantic feelings override common sense.
A relationship break is not the end of the world, you will not die from it. It doesn't mean that you will never be back with him, it just means that you both need time to work on yourselves, independent of each other, to get to the root of your individual problems.
Just my ramblings,
Somewhere I read that many women base their self worth on having a relationship with a man, while men base their self worth on their career.
To me, it does sound like you derive your self worth from having a man, hence you feel like a loser when you don't have one or let one go.
A healthy relationship requires a good handle on reality, not fantasies, what if's and so on. Whenever fantasies take the place of realty the relationship suffers. Sometimes romantic feelings override common sense.
A relationship break is not the end of the world, you will not die from it. It doesn't mean that you will never be back with him, it just means that you both need time to work on yourselves, independent of each other, to get to the root of your individual problems.
Just my ramblings,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
When the pattern of my choices in men finally hit me like a ton of bricks and got my attention, I began the hard work of digging deep and breaking that pattern.
I've been on hiatus from relationships for 11+ years now, with the exception of a few casual dates, neither gentleman being a real interest to me.
Because of that extended hiatus, I began to see that my tendency was to look for the knight in shining armor when I was at a low, feeling very vulnerable and stressed.
Unfortunately I got guys with rusty buckets on their heads instead!
I learned to walk through the discomfort of not having a warm body in bed with me at night (regardless of how dysfunctional that body was), of being alone without the distraction of someone else's "stuff."
I don't know when the magic happened, but with the experience of the few dates, I realized I was no longer attracted to the guys with rusty buckets on their heads!
I've been on hiatus from relationships for 11+ years now, with the exception of a few casual dates, neither gentleman being a real interest to me.
Because of that extended hiatus, I began to see that my tendency was to look for the knight in shining armor when I was at a low, feeling very vulnerable and stressed.
Unfortunately I got guys with rusty buckets on their heads instead!
I learned to walk through the discomfort of not having a warm body in bed with me at night (regardless of how dysfunctional that body was), of being alone without the distraction of someone else's "stuff."
I don't know when the magic happened, but with the experience of the few dates, I realized I was no longer attracted to the guys with rusty buckets on their heads!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Why do you see therapists as emotional voyeurs? Do you view your family doctor that way? A therapist is a trained professional who has the tools to guide us to find our answers, to improve our lives and to heal from these problems that cause us distress.
Personally, I love therapists...I feel my life has been saved with their assistance...and believe me, I have had major trust issues with people in general. Maybe give it a try, it could be exactly what you need to figure out who you are and what you want.
Personally, I love therapists...I feel my life has been saved with their assistance...and believe me, I have had major trust issues with people in general. Maybe give it a try, it could be exactly what you need to figure out who you are and what you want.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Personally I do not think someone can make real, lasting, important changes without a therapist, so much is stored in the unconscious/childhood/emotional sphere that no amount of rationalization will ever make a difference.
That is just my opinion and from what I have seen lately, as you might know I ended up renting a room from my therapist and get to know many people due to sharing the same space, and also from going to group therapy.
I see people healing every day, and they donīt have to say anything, their whole look, posture, facial expression changes...
I see the ones who are new to therapy and are desperate, and I see the ones who leave after a few sessions and later they come back again, feeling (and looking) even worse.
I hope you can go beyond your judgment and find a good therapist, after all its about you and your fulfilment and happiness.
BTW I am also taking a break from "partners" and getting to know who I am has been really entertaining and interesting! and now its more difficult to accept I used to hang out with some people, who didnīt bring anything good to my life.... I agree with the posters above, romantic relationships are about sharing a journey and nothing else.
Perhaps you are scared of the relationship break because boyfriends are great distractions from facing ourselves and our own issues but we just have one life, ONE and even "with someone" I was the loneliest person ever.
Ironically now that I am single I feel very loved and supported and know if thereīs any future partner it will be wonderful and honest and romantic, because I am no longer in for manipulation games (Iīll love you if you look like this, do that, etc etc..), it will be someone who actually likes me and has great strengths to offer. And I wonīt be feeling like a beggar for morsels of attention but like the great woman I am, deserving. So its all good! although I have gone through much resistence as well, I identified it as my fear of happiness as I was used to feel sad and alone all the time. Even good things, if they are new, are scary. But its totally worth the effort! All the best.
That is just my opinion and from what I have seen lately, as you might know I ended up renting a room from my therapist and get to know many people due to sharing the same space, and also from going to group therapy.
I see people healing every day, and they donīt have to say anything, their whole look, posture, facial expression changes...
I see the ones who are new to therapy and are desperate, and I see the ones who leave after a few sessions and later they come back again, feeling (and looking) even worse.
I hope you can go beyond your judgment and find a good therapist, after all its about you and your fulfilment and happiness.
BTW I am also taking a break from "partners" and getting to know who I am has been really entertaining and interesting! and now its more difficult to accept I used to hang out with some people, who didnīt bring anything good to my life.... I agree with the posters above, romantic relationships are about sharing a journey and nothing else.
Perhaps you are scared of the relationship break because boyfriends are great distractions from facing ourselves and our own issues but we just have one life, ONE and even "with someone" I was the loneliest person ever.
Ironically now that I am single I feel very loved and supported and know if thereīs any future partner it will be wonderful and honest and romantic, because I am no longer in for manipulation games (Iīll love you if you look like this, do that, etc etc..), it will be someone who actually likes me and has great strengths to offer. And I wonīt be feeling like a beggar for morsels of attention but like the great woman I am, deserving. So its all good! although I have gone through much resistence as well, I identified it as my fear of happiness as I was used to feel sad and alone all the time. Even good things, if they are new, are scary. But its totally worth the effort! All the best.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
To me, when people say they don't trust or believe in therapists it is because they are not yet ready to really get to the core of their issues.
So if you are resistant to the idea of a trained professional giving you a framework to think about your life and choices then maybe you aren't ready to look at it in depth yet at all. Or are just starting to.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But patterns in our life don't emerge over night. Therapists really have no interest in your private life. They have a trained understanding of how human psychology (thoughts, emotions, experience, illness) works. While we are all unique, how we feel about things is universal.
And they can give you the real tools to fix stuff! It's true!
So if you are resistant to the idea of a trained professional giving you a framework to think about your life and choices then maybe you aren't ready to look at it in depth yet at all. Or are just starting to.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But patterns in our life don't emerge over night. Therapists really have no interest in your private life. They have a trained understanding of how human psychology (thoughts, emotions, experience, illness) works. While we are all unique, how we feel about things is universal.
And they can give you the real tools to fix stuff! It's true!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Thank you all for your responses! I got a copy of 'Codependent No More' - that's the first step. My expectation with therapists (and doctors!) is that they should give me the specific tools I ask for - kind of like expecting a mechanic to fix the problem on my car, and nothing else. If I've got a flat tire, I don't really care that the air filter needs to be changed, kwim? I have tried several over the last 20 years, and only one has understood that expectation. I'll give that one a call and see if he does individual sessions (we'd seen him for family counseling for a blended family).
(I've asked a few counselors (including that one) if they consider what they do to be voyeurism, and the answers ranged from 'I never thought about it, but yeah!' to 'Oh, yes, absolutely.' )
So I'll try it, but it still feels kind of icky. And of course, cost is a factor.... and so is time. Giving myself a break to see what happens is a huge step in the right direction, no matter how weird I get on Saturday nights.
Thank you,
Sylvie
(I've asked a few counselors (including that one) if they consider what they do to be voyeurism, and the answers ranged from 'I never thought about it, but yeah!' to 'Oh, yes, absolutely.' )
So I'll try it, but it still feels kind of icky. And of course, cost is a factor.... and so is time. Giving myself a break to see what happens is a huge step in the right direction, no matter how weird I get on Saturday nights.
Thank you,
Sylvie
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Hey Sylvie...
You mentioned that you do go to Al-anon meetings - do you have a sponsor and have you worked the steps? I found that going to the meetings helped... but I got stronger once I had a sponsor. I had a sponsor for a while - but I never really let her in too deep (didn't want her to see my MISTAKES and flaws!!! ha!)... so I "worked the steps" on my own. I've got my eye on a new sponsor now because I've gotten back into working the steps and I want somebody to 1) hold me accountable on the process and 2) help guide my thoughts.
Just a thought..
You mentioned that you do go to Al-anon meetings - do you have a sponsor and have you worked the steps? I found that going to the meetings helped... but I got stronger once I had a sponsor. I had a sponsor for a while - but I never really let her in too deep (didn't want her to see my MISTAKES and flaws!!! ha!)... so I "worked the steps" on my own. I've got my eye on a new sponsor now because I've gotten back into working the steps and I want somebody to 1) hold me accountable on the process and 2) help guide my thoughts.
Just a thought..
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