It hurts and I need to share...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
It hurts and I need to share...
OK, this is going to be a hard post. Earlier this evening on another thread about how far we have come as codis I posted
And that just opened the flood gates of repressed memories of the emotional abuse I suffered as a child and what is going on currently between me and my wife.
I always saw my father and wife as 2 different things but with that post it became clear to me that there was no difference. I had always looked at my wife's circumstances as being different and not as bad.
Tonight it came crashing through that the torture I endured under my father is no different than the torture I endured under her. My perspective has just shifted drastically and I realize that I had not yet been honest in my view of her.
I need more time to understand all the implications but I feel that I am moving in the right direction. This introspection and honesty sh1t hurts and I could use a break.
I still feel that even with all this I am in much better shape than I was before I moved out.
Thank you for letting me vent. I really needed to get that out.
Your friend,
I no longer feel like that little kid laying in bed and wishing he was dead.
I always saw my father and wife as 2 different things but with that post it became clear to me that there was no difference. I had always looked at my wife's circumstances as being different and not as bad.
Tonight it came crashing through that the torture I endured under my father is no different than the torture I endured under her. My perspective has just shifted drastically and I realize that I had not yet been honest in my view of her.
I need more time to understand all the implications but I feel that I am moving in the right direction. This introspection and honesty sh1t hurts and I could use a break.
I still feel that even with all this I am in much better shape than I was before I moved out.
Thank you for letting me vent. I really needed to get that out.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Mike))) - it's got to be hard to realize that all the feelings you've had about the situation with her, are the same things you went through as a child.
The good news is, you're aware of it. Acknowledgement is the first step. So many people go through several relationships, doomed to fail, and don't have a clue that they're actually drawn to the same type relationship they grew up in.
I don't have any ES&H on this...my family was pretty darned normal. I do know that once we realize something, we're in a better position to deal with it...be it meetings, counselor, SR, etc.
I'm sorry....I know this hurts, but it WILL get better as you process through the feelings.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
The good news is, you're aware of it. Acknowledgement is the first step. So many people go through several relationships, doomed to fail, and don't have a clue that they're actually drawn to the same type relationship they grew up in.
I don't have any ES&H on this...my family was pretty darned normal. I do know that once we realize something, we're in a better position to deal with it...be it meetings, counselor, SR, etc.
I'm sorry....I know this hurts, but it WILL get better as you process through the feelings.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
m1ke facing those truths is painful, I am going through something similar opening my eyes to the reality of my dad who was absent most of my life and continues to be. Realizing my "friends" and "ex boyfriends" have abandoned me and that ultimately I have abandoned myself -and keep doing it.
This is also a door to a new life. It is painful but what is most painful is to never wake up, as Impurrfect added. We have been blessed with clarity, to ultimately, Move Forward. Saving that inner kid who is still suffering, becoming once again that playful kid- so hopeful, spontaneous, alive.
This is also a door to a new life. It is painful but what is most painful is to never wake up, as Impurrfect added. We have been blessed with clarity, to ultimately, Move Forward. Saving that inner kid who is still suffering, becoming once again that playful kid- so hopeful, spontaneous, alive.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Tao Te Ching
Twenty- Two
Bend and be straight
Empty and be full
Wear out and be new
Have little and gain
Have much and be confused.
Therefore wise men embrace the one
And set an example to all
No putting on a display
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves
They are distinguised.
Not boasting,
They receive recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.
They do not quarrel,
So no one quarrels with them.
Therefore the ancients say, "Yeld and overcome"
Is that an empty saying?
Be really whole
And all things will come to you.
Twenty- Two
Bend and be straight
Empty and be full
Wear out and be new
Have little and gain
Have much and be confused.
Therefore wise men embrace the one
And set an example to all
No putting on a display
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves
They are distinguised.
Not boasting,
They receive recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.
They do not quarrel,
So no one quarrels with them.
Therefore the ancients say, "Yeld and overcome"
Is that an empty saying?
Be really whole
And all things will come to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
:ghug3
Hugs to you Mike, for your pain, especially as a child wanting the love and approval of his father.
I am immediately reminded of the healing words of the Al-Anon closing, and how over time they were such a healing influence:
Hugs to you Mike, for your pain, especially as a child wanting the love and approval of his father.
I am immediately reminded of the healing words of the Al-Anon closing, and how over time they were such a healing influence:
The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you'll discover that though you may not like all of us you'll love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you.
CLMI
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Difficult as it may be confronting the truth is a very positive step towards our recovery.
I too, was raised in an abusive/alcoholic home. My childhood was h*ll, today my mother would have been arrested and I probably would be living with a relative. Then, nothing was done, we were left to suffer at the hands of toxic parents.
Not knowing any better, I exposed myself to more toxic behaviors as an adult. Today, there is no way that will happen, took along time, but, I have learned.
You are strong, you are working through your pain, be patient, you will turn the corner, we are here for you.
Today is a new day, make it a good one!
I too, was raised in an abusive/alcoholic home. My childhood was h*ll, today my mother would have been arrested and I probably would be living with a relative. Then, nothing was done, we were left to suffer at the hands of toxic parents.
Not knowing any better, I exposed myself to more toxic behaviors as an adult. Today, there is no way that will happen, took along time, but, I have learned.
You are strong, you are working through your pain, be patient, you will turn the corner, we are here for you.
Today is a new day, make it a good one!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Thank you everybody for your support!
I feel much better this morning. It is still an emotional sore spot but I feel much lighter and think I am beginning to see things clearer and what role my father and I had in my current situation. I feel lighter and more centered than I have before in this whole process. I guess I needed to open myself up to deeper understanding, just didn't realize how painful that process can be.
Jackrussellgirl thank you so much for starting that thread and thank you to my HP for guiding me to it. I guess I was ready right then for that exact lesson.
I'll add one more,
I'm no longer blind to what is really going on.
Your friend,
I feel much better this morning. It is still an emotional sore spot but I feel much lighter and think I am beginning to see things clearer and what role my father and I had in my current situation. I feel lighter and more centered than I have before in this whole process. I guess I needed to open myself up to deeper understanding, just didn't realize how painful that process can be.
Jackrussellgirl thank you so much for starting that thread and thank you to my HP for guiding me to it. I guess I was ready right then for that exact lesson.
I'll add one more,
I'm no longer blind to what is really going on.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
m1k3 - Your welcome and I have an A father too. It is amazing how the cycle does continue because I never thouught I would EVER marry an A. The problem for me was this disease is so baffling and I truly did not see it in the beginning. We were both young though (22 and 24) and into that partying stage of life. I think because the disease is progressive and it can take a while for the drinking to get real bad. But boy, when the true A shows up, look out because your world gets turned upside down and ways you could never imagine.
I love that I can come here to you guys and share EVERYTHING and not be judged. You guys just listen, let me vent and offer some great advise and I kick in the A$$ when I need it. When I get pi$$ed at living through this with my AH, I try and think of the positive of this experience and ONE of the biggest positives is meeting all you wonderful people even if it is through cyberspace. I have also grown as a person and jsut do not think I would have ever put in the effort to grow in such a way as I have if I had not gone through living with my AH.
For now, I am still taking the step by step process of finally splitting from my AH. As sad as that is, I have too. I want a healthy, loving relationship and I can not get that with my AH. FOr me detachment is great for keeping my sanity right now but for long term it is not a doable situation. A relationship should be with someone who is your partner, 50/50, there for you in the good times and bad and someone you can rely on. I just can not get that from my AH. I hope someday my AH will get the help he needs but I no longer can hold on to that to keep me stuck.
Here is to all the wonderful people on SR.
I love that I can come here to you guys and share EVERYTHING and not be judged. You guys just listen, let me vent and offer some great advise and I kick in the A$$ when I need it. When I get pi$$ed at living through this with my AH, I try and think of the positive of this experience and ONE of the biggest positives is meeting all you wonderful people even if it is through cyberspace. I have also grown as a person and jsut do not think I would have ever put in the effort to grow in such a way as I have if I had not gone through living with my AH.
For now, I am still taking the step by step process of finally splitting from my AH. As sad as that is, I have too. I want a healthy, loving relationship and I can not get that with my AH. FOr me detachment is great for keeping my sanity right now but for long term it is not a doable situation. A relationship should be with someone who is your partner, 50/50, there for you in the good times and bad and someone you can rely on. I just can not get that from my AH. I hope someday my AH will get the help he needs but I no longer can hold on to that to keep me stuck.
Here is to all the wonderful people on SR.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Mike, that's awesome that you made the connection - it is a step forward in the journey even though it is painful (or like me, a whole lot embarrassing to realize I did marry my father in many ways).
When I acknowledged that at first, and then really started thinking about what it was specifically - I was able to see how my Dad, who is not an A but is a very controlling and unavailable man, constantly defined me as a teen. I hated that and rebelled against everything he said...even if he said something good (rare, but did happen once or twice). My RAH still to this day defines me, tells me what I am thinking and feeling. Doesn't hear it coming from me - just sets his own definition of me and runs with it.
Today, now that I am aware of this super huge trigger, I can take action and not respond to it anymore. It is my baggage to learn to shut off. That instant self-righteous indignation at being defined by someone else who happens to be wrong in their definition. I can just laugh it off or walk away if its too overwhelming to laugh at.
Let your epiphany propel you into action to finally overcome the childhood traumas as you move through recovery. It only hurts like hell for a little while.
When I acknowledged that at first, and then really started thinking about what it was specifically - I was able to see how my Dad, who is not an A but is a very controlling and unavailable man, constantly defined me as a teen. I hated that and rebelled against everything he said...even if he said something good (rare, but did happen once or twice). My RAH still to this day defines me, tells me what I am thinking and feeling. Doesn't hear it coming from me - just sets his own definition of me and runs with it.
Today, now that I am aware of this super huge trigger, I can take action and not respond to it anymore. It is my baggage to learn to shut off. That instant self-righteous indignation at being defined by someone else who happens to be wrong in their definition. I can just laugh it off or walk away if its too overwhelming to laugh at.
Let your epiphany propel you into action to finally overcome the childhood traumas as you move through recovery. It only hurts like hell for a little while.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
Hi Mike,
Counseling has really helped me deal with the pain from my childhood. My counselor has a lot of experience with addiction and codependency. I am not sure if you are in counseling, but if not, you may want to consider it.
Counseling has really helped me deal with the pain from my childhood. My counselor has a lot of experience with addiction and codependency. I am not sure if you are in counseling, but if not, you may want to consider it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 153
FOO is definitely a nasty beast to confront. Essentially I ran away from an abuser (my mother) into the arms of another just like her. She wasn't an alcoholic but abusive all the same, emotionally abusive control freak. And what did I marry? An emotionally abusive control freak with a pinch of narcissistic nutter to boot. Weeeeee.. what a ride, thank God it's over and we're divorced.
But, now that I'm currently hooked up with an alcoholic.. I wonder if it was just bad luck or more FOO issues.
But, now that I'm currently hooked up with an alcoholic.. I wonder if it was just bad luck or more FOO issues.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((Mike)))))))))
I used to resist looking at my parents and the way I was raised for clues about how I ended up such a raging codependent. It just fel wrong to me for some reason to try and cast blame anywhere. I see now, however, that it isn't about casting blame...It's simply a matter of understanding how we repeat patterns of behavior we learned as children. This insight has helped me alot I think in my journey. Sounds like its going to help you too.
Sounds like a major 'breakthrough' to me. I'm glad for you even if it is painful sometimes. You've got your SR friends to lean on when you need us.
Hugs...
Mary
I used to resist looking at my parents and the way I was raised for clues about how I ended up such a raging codependent. It just fel wrong to me for some reason to try and cast blame anywhere. I see now, however, that it isn't about casting blame...It's simply a matter of understanding how we repeat patterns of behavior we learned as children. This insight has helped me alot I think in my journey. Sounds like its going to help you too.
Sounds like a major 'breakthrough' to me. I'm glad for you even if it is painful sometimes. You've got your SR friends to lean on when you need us.
Hugs...
Mary
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ya know, I sometimes wonder if the fact that I don't consider myself as having ever been severely co-dependent (although I certainly acted in the typical fashion from time to time when I was living with an active alcoholic) has to do with the way MY family was.
I had a pretty "normal" family--if it had a flaw (and they all do--nothing is perfect) it would be perhaps a bit of emotional distance. Not that people were cold, or uncaring, but we kinda kept our feelings to ourselves. So maybe I wasn't raised with the tendency and attraction to caretaking and emotional drama. Not a lot of anger, not a lot of angst, not a lot of warm-n-fuzzy moments, either.
Just thinking out loud, here. I can try to IMAGINE what it must be like to grow up in an alcoholic or abusive household, but I don't really know what it was like, or how it would have affected me.
I always think it's good when we learn stuff about ourselves, though. It's gotta play a huge role in recovery.
I had a pretty "normal" family--if it had a flaw (and they all do--nothing is perfect) it would be perhaps a bit of emotional distance. Not that people were cold, or uncaring, but we kinda kept our feelings to ourselves. So maybe I wasn't raised with the tendency and attraction to caretaking and emotional drama. Not a lot of anger, not a lot of angst, not a lot of warm-n-fuzzy moments, either.
Just thinking out loud, here. I can try to IMAGINE what it must be like to grow up in an alcoholic or abusive household, but I don't really know what it was like, or how it would have affected me.
I always think it's good when we learn stuff about ourselves, though. It's gotta play a huge role in recovery.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
My fathers drinking became a problem when I was a teenager. He was never violent but he was a nasty drunk that could clear a room with a calculated hurtful comment. When I realized Mel was the same type of nasty drunk it brought back a tsunami of feelings I didn't know I had repressed. It actually helped my resolve to rectify the situation, no doubt as to where I drew the line.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
It's been said that we get into relationships that mirror the one from our childhood that we want to heal. So it makes sense to me that you would choose a wife who had the same issues as your father.
Now, the really BIG and GOOD thing is, you are healing and have healed enough that you finally allowed yourself to make this connection and see it. It's now out in the light and you can deal with it and put it to rest finally. Some people never get to the point of even acknowledging these tings, let along dealing with and healing them. Good Job!!!! You are trusting yourself and your recovery. That is a MAJOR breakthrough!!!
Now, the really BIG and GOOD thing is, you are healing and have healed enough that you finally allowed yourself to make this connection and see it. It's now out in the light and you can deal with it and put it to rest finally. Some people never get to the point of even acknowledging these tings, let along dealing with and healing them. Good Job!!!! You are trusting yourself and your recovery. That is a MAJOR breakthrough!!!
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