aviatrix

My husband of 24 years died a couple of years ago. He was an alcoholic who quit drinking but never went through recovery. He quit drinking about four years into our marriage and things went downhill after that. Put-downs, sarcasm, humiliating me publicly. Even worse, he devalued me in front of our three sons. I played a part in all of this too, since I didn't stand up for myself and I let him do this to me. I guess he figured it was OK to treat me disrespectfully because I allowed it.

Now I have to try to repair the damage that was done to my relationship with my sons. Because they were conditioned to view me as mentally unstable, or incompetent, it is hard to un-do the damage.

He died of cancer, gone just eleven months after diagnosis. From the point that he found out he was terminal, he basically quit talking to me. Just shut me out. He would visit with friends or other family members, but I felt like an outsider. We never had the important discussions we should have had, neither one of us made amends. He died with so many unresolved issues and now I am unable to cry about his death. and I feel guilty because I can't cry like other widows/widowers. I wish I could grieve normally.

I wish I knew why he seemed to focus his hostility on me after he quit drinking. He did not physically abuse me, but used his sarcasm and cutting remarks to cut me to the bone.

I guess I'm ventilating now. I know I need to get over this and move on. But I feel stuck.

Chino

Grief involves sorrow and heartache, precipitated by loss and or trauma. Did you love your husband? Do you feel sorrow and heartache when you think of your husband? I'm not talking about your marriage, they are two separate things. I say this with kindness -- after years and years of emotional abuse, it wouldn't be surprising if the only thing you're feeling is relief.

fedup3

Let the dead bury their dead and let the living go on living! aviatrix you're alive! Now please go live. We will never fully understand another human being, heck I'm sure we don't even understand ourselves so much of the time so who knows what was going on in your X's mind. You have three sons who whether they realize it or not need a MOM and it sounds like you're a great mom. Be good to yourself and love your boys they will love you back.

GettingBy

Welcome to SR!

It's really hard to be emotionally attached to a relationship that lacks intimacy, trust and respect. I suspect you aren't crying because your love and respect for your husband died long before he did.

I think verbal abuse is more cunning and baffling that physical. When there's physical abuse - there's generally "evidence" that is hard to dispute (though not impossible, unfortunatey)... when it's verbal - the truth can be twisted and manipulated. And those on the receiving end usually end up being told they are imagining things, or over exaggerating... which makes things all the more confusing and damaging.

You've spent years with a man who did not love you. He's gone and can't hurt you anymore. There will NEVER be an explanation for why he did what he did. It's time to let that all go. It's time for you to take care of you. Love yourself and work on healing you.

rose68

Maybe you aren't able to grieve because the person who died was not the person you fell in love with, that person was gone long before the cancer took him. The fact that he is gone now means all that horrible treatment is gone and why would you grieve for that. One day you may grieve for the man he once was, the one you fell in love with and shared a family with but grief is a funny thing it happens in the time it wants to not our time table. One day you may find something that belong to him or hear a song that reminds you of the good him and it may hit you then. There is no right or wrong way to deal with death. We all deal with it differently, so give yourself a break and just remember you are still alive so go on living and helping your sons through what they are facing losing their dad. They are lucky to have you.

Alone22

I so agree with the statements the others have written. The only thing I would add is try going to alanon meetings. You may have unresolved issues from being in a long relationship with an AH. I seems you may need help healing and finding you again. I personally feel that it will also help with your relationships with your sons too. Alanon will help you to explore why you are feeling the way you are and get you back to a place where you feel healthy.

aviatrix

I am so glad I found this forum. Your insightful, compassionate responses are truly helpful. I have started attending Alanon and will continue to attend.

One thing that makes things complicated for me is that my husband's public face was night-and-day different from the face that I saw. One day we were scattering his ashes and a few close friends and family were present. One friend of his said, "He never had a mean thing to say about anybody." I could not help myself, and blurted out, "Except his wife!" There were a few nervous chuckles, as people wondered if I was joking or not. I'm glad I said it because it was true.

Again, thank you all for your helpful comments. I feel I've come to the right place.

LaPinturaBella

It sounds to me that he had other issues in addition to the alcoholism. Issues such as a personality disorder like Narcissism or something equally as icky. I say this because of the put downs, the demeaning and belittling things he said to you. Teaching his kids that you are the one who was mentally unstable...and then hearing "outsiders" praising him for being so nice and kind. That is classic! they have two faces...literally...the public, charming face that they show to the world and the mean, abusive, punishing, self-centered and self-important face they show to the spouse and children. I'm glad you blurted out the truth. It's healing and freeing...for YOU. And this is probably why you're not able to cry. It's hard to feel any grief for your abuser. I wouldn't worry about that so much. But I would start working on your healing and start living a happy, fulfilling life for you!

grateful101010

He was a dry drunk, spiritually dead and/or had sociopathic tendencies. You have so many gifts - your children, and today, and all the days ahead of you. Honor these gifts by letting go of your past relationship.

MissChievous

I agree with Chino --- deep down inside you are probably feeling a sense of relief. He beat you up with words and never took responsibility. It had to suck you dry of your emotions, and that's why it's hard for you to feel any now.

I wouldn't be surprised if you were to have a sort of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You have been emotionally and verbally abused and lived in a personal war zone. Rather than fighting for your country, you've had to fight for your own personal freedom, for your self-esteem, and for your children. You were in an abusive situation for a long time and are not just going to immediately "get over" that part of your life. You're littered with scars and nursing wounds from battles of the past --- battles of the heart.

He poisoned your relationship and made it a toxic one. In a polluted environment like that, it's hard to survive, much less love. Any of his redeeming qualities have been long lost, as has your respect for him.

Just remember, none of it was your fault. And now it's gone and you can let it go - he can't hurt or sit in judgment of you any more. You are no longer a victim and can begin to heal and find happiness.

StarCat

My neighbor lost her husband of 50+ years this past Christmas, after a long fight with brain cancer. It was a bit of a surprise - the hospital was getting ready to transfer him to physical therapy, stating that it was getting better, when he suddenly died.

After his death, there was always a trash bag full of something in front of her door. Her sons picked up some of them; I took a few to donate for her to second-hand clothing stores; she threw some of them out. Everything he ever owned, everything he had ever picked out to add to the apartment, was gradually given away, sold, donated, or thrown away.

I was speaking to her one day about it, to give her my condolences, when she turned to me and told me this.
"I feel sorry for the way he died. He suffered with that brain tumor for a long time, and it's a miserable way to die. But I don't miss him. He was a miserable man, who decided that he had the right to decide my life, too. I have my life back now, and I think I am happy - once I figure out what that feels like. I figure once I get his junk out of here I can figure out that part."

A neighbor mentioned to me later that he had cheated on her, openly, within the last 25 years of their marriage, and his will had left everything to his sons and the other woman, and none to her.
She herself told me once how he was verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling (she did not use that phrase, but she described enough that there's no doubt what it was).


I have the greatest respect for her, for recognizing her feelings, and being honest about them. She feels what she feels because of what she lived through, and I think she's all the stronger for recognizing it rather than trying to tell herself or teach herself to feel something she doesn't.

I feel the same about you. You don't have to cry, if you don't feel like crying. You also don't have to cry right now, you can cry later, once it feels comfortable to do so. You don't have to force feelings - just feel the ones you're feeling now, recognize them, accept them, and be open to new ones as they arrive or the disappearance of current feelings as you work through them or your situation changes.
Feel what you feel. That's enough. Just feel.

TakingCharge999

Oh aviatrix I am glad you are in SR now....

One of the most horrible things about alcoholism is denial and how others look at the person and how you as a partner know the person. I was also told about an EXABF that he was always kind, never badmouthed me, that he was too young and had the right to be happy with his life, well many things. He was also emotionally abusive with me and the emotional pain has taken more than two years to start healing. Words pierce our hearts. To hear others talking about EXABF as this wonderful person just got me angry, so I cut contact with them. My life has been better that way.

SR is full of wonderful people. Its like group therapy. We all get it.


Time to heal you. When you invest on healing yourself, magic happens. I know that looking at my mom feeling happy and healthy is the best gift she can give me. Time for YOU now! you are just human and made mistakes, and you are still alive and realizing them, taking steps to take a different direction. That's what counts / the present, and the actions.

I also haven't grieved my grandmom since she died, we were not that close but not that distanced either. I don't know why I haven't cried yet. One of the main lessons I am learning in life is to stop judging feelings as right or wrong, just let them be, or not be... this allows space for me to realize the beauty in the day, in the surroundings, in others, even in ME...

ANEWAUGUST

Your grief is complicated. Which, is what my mothers counselor told her. My dad was an alcoholic. Though sober 25 years when he died, he was dry.

When he was dying, he told her had a some credit card debt he had hidden from her that he used for off track betting. My mother hated this as much as his drinking. His confession set her back years, and it was as though she was living with an active alcoholic as he lay dying.

Although the debt wasn't much, and his life insurance more then covered it, the betrayal left my mom reeling with all the emotions she had witheld for years.

Five years later, Mom still meets with her counselor, and is attending Al-Anon once more, this time really working the program. She didn't cry when he died. She can cry now. I am proud of her that at this stage of her life, she is doing what she needs to get healthy....but, it has not been easy, for her, or for her daughters.

Alcoholism is a family disease, left untreated it affects all who are exposed and infected by it. The outside world never know what goes on in the alcoholic home.

Have you tried counseling or Al-Anon..it has really helped our family.

Hugs..

LexieCat

SC, I don't know how close to her you are, but she should probably talk to a lawyer. In every State I know of, it is not possible to simply cut a spouse out of a will. There is something called the "elective share" and if the will cuts out the spouse, the spouse can "elect" to take the share regardless of what the will says. She should consult a lawyer who deals with family law or estate law. More than likely she is entitled to a pretty large chunk of his estate, regardless of what is in the will.

fourmaggie

are you in AL ANON...this will truelly help in everything...sorrow and grief and yes, crying...I have been the past year (in here) am going through some feelings that i could NOT deal with at the time...(new born baby) and now i just dealt with my abandoment issues...

slowly it will come...but also, one note...i am still grieving...and always will, as long as i am willing to FEEL WHAT I AM FEELING...i am fine...its normal..

do you cry at all, normally? if not, doctors...something wrong with the eye ducks perhaps..(just a random thought)

my prayers are send to you in this time...

ps, the KIDS should think of Adult children of alcoholics meetings or AL ANON too...

NYCDoglvr

It doesn't sound like your husband had a program of recovery (therapy, outpatient, AA). When alcoholics don't do anything to address the "ism" of the disease, what remains is the self-hate, anger, grandiosity, self-will, low self-esteem of the disease.

What's important, however, is that you get the help you need to start healing. The only person we can affect is ourselves.

StarCat

LexieCat, thank you for posting this, because I absolutely agree.
I should have mentioned, one of her friends in the apartment complex is a rather successful lawyer, so she is well taken care of!
Not everyone is so lucky, of course. And even though she's protected by law, so he didn't succeed, it's still extremely emotionally painful to be written out of her own husband's will.

aviatrix

I'm finally coming to grips with the reality of my marriage. I've figured out that the marriage started to really crumble about the time my husband stopped drinking, about 23 years ago. He was just not emotionally there for me or our sons. After he quit alcohol, he substituted computer games for the alcohol. If we wanted to talk to him, we'd have to compete with his computer game for his attention. We didn't get his attention, though, and he would not even turn around to look at us while he offered up tidbits of responses when we'd try to talk. He'd keep on making moves in his game. What message does that send, especially to a child?

So now I am left with the fallout from the many years of this. My immediate concern is my 24 year old. He moved back in with us over two years ago after he lost his grocery store job for buying beer for an under-age coworker. This occurred at the same time that his dad was undergoing surgery for his brain tumor. At the time, we thought his moving back in may be helpful due to his dad's condition and needing some heavy lifting, etc.

But it has been over 2 years now and he has not made any serious effort to get a job. Son spends his days up in his room playing online computer games. It simply must be dealt with, but I feel so paralyzed and afraid. What are the first steps I should take to break this cycle? I am afraid to just throw him out on the street. But so many people around me say that's what I should do. and I know this. But for some reason, when it comes right down to it, I can't seem to take any action.
I worry what will happen to him. I guess I am afraid of another loss. I'd be grateful to hear from others out there who have dealt with a similar situation. Thanks so much!

Chino

You just took a really big step by admitting there's a problem and wanting solutions

There's a really good book titled "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents" by Allison Bottke.

Tally

I wouldn't say go as far as to throw him out on the street right this second but I would certainly be sitting down with him and having the talk of all talks. Set a sensible deadline for him to get a job and if he doesn't tell him he must be out of the house by this date and then stick to it.

Do you enable your son to continue with this behaviour? Do you support him financially, cook for him, do his washing, tidy up after him? If you're treating him like a child, it may well be that he behaves like one. Why shouldn't he if he has no responsibilities or consequences to his behaviour?

As far as your husband goes...I'm really not surprised you haven't cried. If you don't feel that you need to cry, then don't. People mourn the ones they love and miss, not the ones that abused them and put them down. Don't feel guilty for being alive, embrace it! x