Here Comes the Rollercoaster...Day 3
SoberOutlook
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Here Comes the Rollercoaster...Day 3
Day 1: Bottom; horrible; depressed... Got turned down for a job I thought I had in the bag. Didn't get it. Major drama at home; major retreat to depression for me. Looked at myself in the mirror and knew what I had to do. I had to accept that I cannot drink ANYMORE!
Day 2: Got really big lead for my business. Got to work. Happy, energetic, on top of the world.
Day 3 (today): groggy this a.m. Looked forward to a productive day; instead, it's been one distraction after another. Learned that a recent closed deal will only close half-way. Turn on the anxiety. Self-pity and loathing. I can't do anything right...
THIS IS WHY I CANT DRINK! I don't process life like normal people. I am like a sailing ship lost at sea, being blown whatever direction the winds take me. If I drink, I will never have a beacon of light or wailing sirens to keep me from going aground. The storm is here, and I have to fight my way through it, trust my higher power, and do more than go along for the ride! I have to have a sober reason within me, and not separate myself from hearing the whispers of God. I have to find myself and my sanity and only God can restore that, but I have to do my part. My part right now is simple: don't drink. That is step one. I am powerless, not only over alcohol, but over the winds of life. I can only react correctly with presence of mind, and help of the Spirit.
Day 2: Got really big lead for my business. Got to work. Happy, energetic, on top of the world.
Day 3 (today): groggy this a.m. Looked forward to a productive day; instead, it's been one distraction after another. Learned that a recent closed deal will only close half-way. Turn on the anxiety. Self-pity and loathing. I can't do anything right...
THIS IS WHY I CANT DRINK! I don't process life like normal people. I am like a sailing ship lost at sea, being blown whatever direction the winds take me. If I drink, I will never have a beacon of light or wailing sirens to keep me from going aground. The storm is here, and I have to fight my way through it, trust my higher power, and do more than go along for the ride! I have to have a sober reason within me, and not separate myself from hearing the whispers of God. I have to find myself and my sanity and only God can restore that, but I have to do my part. My part right now is simple: don't drink. That is step one. I am powerless, not only over alcohol, but over the winds of life. I can only react correctly with presence of mind, and help of the Spirit.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Originally Posted by LoftyIdeals 
. I am like a sailing ship lost at sea, being blown whatever direction the winds take me.
But, I learned that my feelings are just feelings and they don't have to control me. I can feel them and let them go and I can maintain my calm sense of inner peace.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
That's exactly how I felt for years Lofty - everything that happened to me 'needed a drink' to get through....
I got tired of lurching from crisis to crisis. After I was sober for 90 days or so I found a new peace, a new grounding.
It's never left me
Life is life...the storms still blow up from time to time....but I sail through
D
I got tired of lurching from crisis to crisis. After I was sober for 90 days or so I found a new peace, a new grounding.
It's never left me
Life is life...the storms still blow up from time to time....but I sail through
D
SoberOutlook
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Thanks for all the comments and support. It's gonna be a tough Fri night here. My deadhead neighbors just invited me over for a beer. I lied and said I had work to do. Not actually a lie, but I'm not gonna do the work I have to do. Except this work.
Anna and Dee...thank you especially for your affirmations. Your wisdom and experience means the world to me. I hope I'll stay strong and check in here often this weekend.
Anna and Dee...thank you especially for your affirmations. Your wisdom and experience means the world to me. I hope I'll stay strong and check in here often this weekend.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
LoftyIdeals: My part right now is simple: don't drink. That is step one. I am powerless
I don't know if you are working a twelve step program or not, but powerless over alcohol in AA's 12 step program means that not only can you not drink, but that you can't not drink. Step one is the problem -- I can't keep myself sober. Step two is the solution: a power greater than ourselves which will solve our problem for us. The remainder of the steps enable us to access that power and provide us the solution for our alcoholism.
Susan
I don't know if you are working a twelve step program or not, but powerless over alcohol in AA's 12 step program means that not only can you not drink, but that you can't not drink. Step one is the problem -- I can't keep myself sober. Step two is the solution: a power greater than ourselves which will solve our problem for us. The remainder of the steps enable us to access that power and provide us the solution for our alcoholism.
Susan
SoberOutlook
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Thanks, Susan. That is very true. I live my life knowing that God is in control. I can only call on him and try to live a pleasing life. I am familiar with AA, and have almost all their literature, but have only found one meeting I am comfortable at, which is tomorrow morning. Should probably try a sponsor this time; in 25 yrs I've never done that.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
When I began my AA steps...I went from often shakey sobreity into solid recovery...
That can be true for you as well LI....
Prayer keeps me in emotional balance....The serenity Prayer especially....
That can be true for you as well LI....
Prayer keeps me in emotional balance....The serenity Prayer especially....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
LoftyIdeals: I live my life knowing that God is in control. I can only call on him and try to live a pleasing life.
I have a religious faith. When I came to understand that I had a problem with alcohol, I tried the: "I'm an alcoholic, I believe in God, and I'll pray and trust in God" program. Problem was that it didn't keep me sober. As the book of James tells us, faith without works is dead. I needed a practical program of action (i.e., the 12 steps of AA) to bring about an entire psychic change in me. That's what keeps me sober today.
LoftyIdeals: but have only found one meeting I am comfortable at, which is tomorrow morning.
I guess you won't have to make coffee in the morning. It should be fresh brewed at the morning meeting. If it were me and I were struggling with staying sober, I would get comfortable with the other meetings in my community. They have something you don't.
LoftyIdeals: Should probably try a sponsor this time; in 25 yrs I've never done that.
Sponsoring yourself is akin to being one's own doctor or one's own lawyer. I am sure you have heard how the saying goes. Sponsors are a good thing, a very good thing. And by the way, reading the literature is an excellent first step. The next step is to apply what you read. Here are the steps we took .... (not read and discussed).
Susan
I have a religious faith. When I came to understand that I had a problem with alcohol, I tried the: "I'm an alcoholic, I believe in God, and I'll pray and trust in God" program. Problem was that it didn't keep me sober. As the book of James tells us, faith without works is dead. I needed a practical program of action (i.e., the 12 steps of AA) to bring about an entire psychic change in me. That's what keeps me sober today.
LoftyIdeals: but have only found one meeting I am comfortable at, which is tomorrow morning.
I guess you won't have to make coffee in the morning. It should be fresh brewed at the morning meeting. If it were me and I were struggling with staying sober, I would get comfortable with the other meetings in my community. They have something you don't.
LoftyIdeals: Should probably try a sponsor this time; in 25 yrs I've never done that.
Sponsoring yourself is akin to being one's own doctor or one's own lawyer. I am sure you have heard how the saying goes. Sponsors are a good thing, a very good thing. And by the way, reading the literature is an excellent first step. The next step is to apply what you read. Here are the steps we took .... (not read and discussed).
Susan
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Great post, susan,
Part of what I have to do involves going outside my "comfort zone". I won't say I've never avoided a particular meeting that was truly BAD, but I've learned to listen to people and to get something out of almost every meeting I go to, even those where I'm less "comfy". That was one of the benefits (for me) of doing the 90 meetings in 90 days. I went to a lot of different meetings. I learned as much at the clubhouse meetings where I was less comfortable as those where I felt I fit in better. It's enlightening (and humbling) to listen to somebody who's been in and out of jail several times and realize that even though our stories are different, I FELT the same way they did when it came to alcohol. Great for cutting through that terminal uniqueness.
A lot of the recovery work involves discomfort, too. The discomfort goes away with doing the work.
Part of what I have to do involves going outside my "comfort zone". I won't say I've never avoided a particular meeting that was truly BAD, but I've learned to listen to people and to get something out of almost every meeting I go to, even those where I'm less "comfy". That was one of the benefits (for me) of doing the 90 meetings in 90 days. I went to a lot of different meetings. I learned as much at the clubhouse meetings where I was less comfortable as those where I felt I fit in better. It's enlightening (and humbling) to listen to somebody who's been in and out of jail several times and realize that even though our stories are different, I FELT the same way they did when it came to alcohol. Great for cutting through that terminal uniqueness.
A lot of the recovery work involves discomfort, too. The discomfort goes away with doing the work.
SoberOutlook
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Hi Carol, Susan, and Lexie. You've given me a lot to think about. I have mixed feelings about AA, I have to admit. After rehab in 1983, I gave it a year and a half, and liked the new perspectives, promises and blessings, but wanted to just be done and move on in my new life. It didn't work much beyond a year and a half, but that was a quarter century ago. I've tried it on and off over the years since. Maybe I'm one of those who can't give themselves over to the program entirely. I have very strong Christian beliefs, thanks to my Dad, who is a retired Lutheran pastor. I've worked the steps, made a moral inventory, made amends, helped others, and have continuously strived to give my life over to God, as much as humanly possible.
Susan, yes, I believe that faith without works is dead, but don't know if I consider AA "works" other than step 12, which I do consider service to others. I live to serve God by serving others.
What I meant by "comfortable" in meetings is multifold. First, I have a semi-public career of trust and responsibility in my community, and feel I need an extra measure of anonymity that I don't always believe exists at meetings. And, yes, I have learned from many others, including those in and out of jail. I don't consider myself above learning from anyone, or, really, above anyone. I realize and get the value of each of the steps. I do have a little problem with the open definition of higher power due to my strong Christian convictions. And, I certainly understand the need for fellowship with alcoholics. I have many alcoholic friends in recovery that I do reach out to. But, I don't necessarily believe that I need to avoid my friends, alcoholic or not, that are not in recovery. I know it sounds weird, but I think it's a little like my belief that Christians don't necessarily belong in Christian schools and academies. I believe it is the responsibility of the church to train Christians how to be lights in the darkness among the public, including in public schools. Clustering ourselves only among other Christians, or other recovering alcoholics only, I believe, shelters our light from those who may need it the most.
I probably sound stronger than I should at Day 4. Yes, my resolve is extremely strong; much stronger than I remember it being in quitting before.
Not sure what the ultimate answer is right now. I'm not saying AA will not be it, but I have much to work out before I dive in whole-heartedly to the program and tenets of it. I am also not in a position in my life, with a working wife, and three non-driving teens, to make the time committment to regular meetings. That will change if the challenge of remaining sober becomes unbearable. I also have a business that commands my immediate attention, and lots of it. That's why SR is such a great resource for me.
Thanks for your support and encouragement for my consideration.
Susan, yes, I believe that faith without works is dead, but don't know if I consider AA "works" other than step 12, which I do consider service to others. I live to serve God by serving others.
What I meant by "comfortable" in meetings is multifold. First, I have a semi-public career of trust and responsibility in my community, and feel I need an extra measure of anonymity that I don't always believe exists at meetings. And, yes, I have learned from many others, including those in and out of jail. I don't consider myself above learning from anyone, or, really, above anyone. I realize and get the value of each of the steps. I do have a little problem with the open definition of higher power due to my strong Christian convictions. And, I certainly understand the need for fellowship with alcoholics. I have many alcoholic friends in recovery that I do reach out to. But, I don't necessarily believe that I need to avoid my friends, alcoholic or not, that are not in recovery. I know it sounds weird, but I think it's a little like my belief that Christians don't necessarily belong in Christian schools and academies. I believe it is the responsibility of the church to train Christians how to be lights in the darkness among the public, including in public schools. Clustering ourselves only among other Christians, or other recovering alcoholics only, I believe, shelters our light from those who may need it the most.
I probably sound stronger than I should at Day 4. Yes, my resolve is extremely strong; much stronger than I remember it being in quitting before.
Not sure what the ultimate answer is right now. I'm not saying AA will not be it, but I have much to work out before I dive in whole-heartedly to the program and tenets of it. I am also not in a position in my life, with a working wife, and three non-driving teens, to make the time committment to regular meetings. That will change if the challenge of remaining sober becomes unbearable. I also have a business that commands my immediate attention, and lots of it. That's why SR is such a great resource for me.
Thanks for your support and encouragement for my consideration.
Last edited by LoftyIdeals; 06-18-2011 at 12:16 PM. Reason: corrections
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