Sylvie66

Well, here I am again. Think I'll ever learn?

ABF had hired ds11 to help him with some work for 2 - 3 hours a day. I agreed. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday... fine. Today, fine, and they finished the project by going out to lunch. With ABF's 'best friend' - whom I had told 2 years ago to never come near me or my kids. I told ABF that I never wanted him near us. My son knew this too.

And what happened?
'He wasn't drunk!'
'He wasn't drinking!'
'I sat on the other side!' (from ds!)

Basically, my strong feelings and wishes are only respected as long as it's convenient. And that attitude has been passed on to my son!!

My older son is due back next week from an exchange trip. I share a car with ABF, and I know he wanted to come to the airport to meet him. I think that even though it's inconvenient, I am going to go no contact. This is too much!

Or rather, 'lots, and none at all', like in the Hobbitt.

Too much of a bad thing ....pisses me off.

- Sylvie

(and don't say I told you so... I can hear that voice loud and clear )

dancingnow

This is a big reason I wanted to limit contact of my kids with AH. Adopting values or behaviors that come from an alcohol soaked and/or alcohol damaged brain is not the life I want for my kids. It seems like such a waste of energy.

When my DS 10 is exposed to a bad choice that my AH makes I focus on safety first. I remind my son that he is not responsible for AH but he is responsible for taking care of himself and that means contacting me (or list of others we agreed on) if AH is drinking. It was hard at first because AH is such a manipulator.

Not sure this matches what your concerns are but your post just triggered this in me, I wanted to share my experience with my DS.

I try to break down what it is that is bothering me about the situation and look at it from my DS point of view. I don't bother with AH's point of view because that is alcoholic quacking to not respect me. It's part of the disease but I don't have to let that part make decisions for me or influence my kids. I think I am trying to teach my DS to respect himself first and understand his dad has a disease and doesn't always make good choices.

Hugs to you and your sons.

m1k3

Dancingnow made some very good points. I would like to take it just a bit farther. In your original post you said:
In my opinion don't put your son in the middle. He was manipulated by your ABF and is not old enough or mature enough to understand what is going on. I mean it took me 15 years of living with an AW before I figured it out and I'm 57. At 11 he sees all adults as authority figures.

Simply point out to him why you were upset with your ABF and that you are not upset with him. Then lay out the rules for when it is acceptable for him not to listen to your ABF and what he should do if something like that happens again.

Your friend,