I need help!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 6
I need help!!
I am the wife of an alcoholic and I am at my end with the drinking and drugs!! I have been through hell with this man but i love him and not sure what to do!! I have been trying to help him for 9 years now and i dont know what to do any more! I have tried everything from letting him have his freedom to not letting him out of my sight and nothing seems to work!! I just started reading al-anon but i fill like no one understands what i am going through .Any advise is more than welcome I have no where else to turn!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. Trying to control another just doesn't work.
Until he falls to his knees and willingly embraces recovery, not one thing will change. This is a progressive disease, it will get worse, there is no cure. Even if he gets sober and in a strong recovery program, this will be a lifelong battle, relapse can happen at any time,
All you can do is work on you, meetings are a great source of information and I would suggest you read Codependent No More.
Snoop around this forum, lots of wonderful people who's stories mirror yours.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. Trying to control another just doesn't work.
Until he falls to his knees and willingly embraces recovery, not one thing will change. This is a progressive disease, it will get worse, there is no cure. Even if he gets sober and in a strong recovery program, this will be a lifelong battle, relapse can happen at any time,
All you can do is work on you, meetings are a great source of information and I would suggest you read Codependent No More.
Snoop around this forum, lots of wonderful people who's stories mirror yours.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. All of us understand what you are going through because we went through it, too. I hope you'll stick around awhile and read the "stickie" posts at the top of the forum. You will find a lot of helpful information there.
Dolly is right about you not being able to "help" him. The only person who can help him is himself. He has to want recovery for himself or nothing will change. There is something called The Three C's...
You didn't cause it;
You cannot control it;
You cannot cure it.
The only person you can help is yourself. We are here to support you in that effort.
Dolly is right about you not being able to "help" him. The only person who can help him is himself. He has to want recovery for himself or nothing will change. There is something called The Three C's...
You didn't cause it;
You cannot control it;
You cannot cure it.
The only person you can help is yourself. We are here to support you in that effort.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 6
im just scared that next relapse he wont make it through alive!I dont know what i would do if i ever lost him or if i ever have to tell our children that they will never see there dad again!! I just dont understand that if you love your family so much why dont they help there self ! Im trying to give it all to god and try not to worry but it is so hard!Im scared of what every day will bring!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: By a River
Posts: 83
Welcome Raveneyes. I'm sorry you had to find your way here, but you will find this place to be a God-send. And there is no one here that doesn't understand. We have all been there.
Nothing seems to work because there's nothing you can do. You didn't cause his drinking and your resolve to cure him will not help. You will just continue to be caught in the insanity of it all. The more enmeshed you become in his life, the more twisted your thinking will become. You will compromise your own well-being.
You will not be able to convince him that alcohol is at the root of his problems. His perception will continue to become even more distorted and he will not comprehend.
This beast inside him has the power to wipe out reason, willpower and good intentions. It has created a perverted reality in his mind in which his obsession with alcohol is obliterating his ability for rational thought.
Just as his addiction is characterized by denial, obsession, compulsion and emotional and physical illness, you also are experiencing denial, obsession with him, a compulsion to control him and eventually emotional and physical illness. You have become addicted to your addict.
Don't allow yourself to lose your personal identity ---your state of being should not be determined by what is going on in his life rather than by what is going on in your own. Don't put your personal goals, interests and pleasures to the side. Your existence is meaningful despite him and what he does.
Don't let yourself become so wrapped up in his issues, for you will lose your sense of self. You are suffering along with --- actually instead of --- him. Unhappiness, anxiety and depression are the result of experiencing the pain of alcoholism while being powerless to arrest or control the problem. You are living at the mercy of him.
His problems and struggles are not your problems and struggles. You can offer support, encouragement and love, but the fundamental reality is that you have no control over anyone's life but your own. You can't control his life, and you can't control his alcoholism. Trying to do so will only bring you unhappiness and frustration.
It's a progressive disease, and he won't get better until he's ready to get better. You can't solve his problems and you have to learn to live in spite of them.
Dollydo recommended Codependent No More. Written by Melody Beattie, it will help immensely. And come to this site often, it will truly help.
And we understand.
Nothing seems to work because there's nothing you can do. You didn't cause his drinking and your resolve to cure him will not help. You will just continue to be caught in the insanity of it all. The more enmeshed you become in his life, the more twisted your thinking will become. You will compromise your own well-being.
You will not be able to convince him that alcohol is at the root of his problems. His perception will continue to become even more distorted and he will not comprehend.
This beast inside him has the power to wipe out reason, willpower and good intentions. It has created a perverted reality in his mind in which his obsession with alcohol is obliterating his ability for rational thought.
Just as his addiction is characterized by denial, obsession, compulsion and emotional and physical illness, you also are experiencing denial, obsession with him, a compulsion to control him and eventually emotional and physical illness. You have become addicted to your addict.
Don't allow yourself to lose your personal identity ---your state of being should not be determined by what is going on in his life rather than by what is going on in your own. Don't put your personal goals, interests and pleasures to the side. Your existence is meaningful despite him and what he does.
Don't let yourself become so wrapped up in his issues, for you will lose your sense of self. You are suffering along with --- actually instead of --- him. Unhappiness, anxiety and depression are the result of experiencing the pain of alcoholism while being powerless to arrest or control the problem. You are living at the mercy of him.
His problems and struggles are not your problems and struggles. You can offer support, encouragement and love, but the fundamental reality is that you have no control over anyone's life but your own. You can't control his life, and you can't control his alcoholism. Trying to do so will only bring you unhappiness and frustration.
It's a progressive disease, and he won't get better until he's ready to get better. You can't solve his problems and you have to learn to live in spite of them.
Dollydo recommended Codependent No More. Written by Melody Beattie, it will help immensely. And come to this site often, it will truly help.
And we understand.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 11
I am sorry that you are going through such horrible times. Rest assured that you are not the only one going through this. Countless others have had to deal with addicts. You truly are not alone in this.
The only advise I can offer is to be there for your children and do not try to bear the weight of another's addiction. Being there for your children means being the best parent you can possibly be and focus on their needs both emotional and physical. They depend on you to be strong.
I know a lot less about addiction than most of the people on this board but what I do know is that if they want to get better, it must be for themselves first. Not for the family or you, their job, friends. It must be truly for themselves.
The only advise I can offer is to be there for your children and do not try to bear the weight of another's addiction. Being there for your children means being the best parent you can possibly be and focus on their needs both emotional and physical. They depend on you to be strong.
I know a lot less about addiction than most of the people on this board but what I do know is that if they want to get better, it must be for themselves first. Not for the family or you, their job, friends. It must be truly for themselves.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It was quite a jolt to finally "get it" that I'm completely powerless over other people and their disease. There simply isn't anything you can do or say. The alcoholic has an exclusive relationship with his/her bottle that only he or she can change.
But you can change your own life, your attitudes and actions. I think we ask for help and take actions when we cannot take it one more minute and realize we don't deserve what is happening in our lives.
But you can change your own life, your attitudes and actions. I think we ask for help and take actions when we cannot take it one more minute and realize we don't deserve what is happening in our lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 6
just want to say thank you all for your support and knowing that there are people going threw the same thing and actually take time out to give me some much needed advice gives me some comfort and i am addicted to my addict im just trying to figure out how to change my self back to the old me ! I never noticed over the last few years how much is problem has changed me until i found my self sacrificing everything i want in life to please him because i am scared that anything i say or do that he doesn't like will cause him to drink then if something happens its my fault!! He is very manipulative that he always finds away to make it some how my fault and when i started reading the al-anon book i realized i also need help but its so hard to break the cycle!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
but you can break the cycle. stick around here, read, listen, post, detach, get on with what you want. it takes come practice but soon, YOU will begin to react differently.
welcome to SR. you're in the right place. lives change here everyday as we work together to make sense of the madness.
he's an adult and this is what he chooses. you don't have to go down with the ship.
welcome to SR. you're in the right place. lives change here everyday as we work together to make sense of the madness.
he's an adult and this is what he chooses. you don't have to go down with the ship.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"A's" manipulate, they deflect, they blame, that is their mo.
Believe me, no matter what you or do not say has no bearing on whether he drinks or not.
You may have to figure what to do without him someday, we all have to figure out how to take care of ourselves, and, you have children to consider.
Because your married doesn't mean that it is healthy to totally emesh yourself in your spouse. You are you, and sometimes we must stand up and be counted.
You know that this is not a healthy situation for you or your children.
How about getting to some Alanon meetings?
Believe me, no matter what you or do not say has no bearing on whether he drinks or not.
You may have to figure what to do without him someday, we all have to figure out how to take care of ourselves, and, you have children to consider.
Because your married doesn't mean that it is healthy to totally emesh yourself in your spouse. You are you, and sometimes we must stand up and be counted.
You know that this is not a healthy situation for you or your children.
How about getting to some Alanon meetings?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by raveneyes0824 
im just scared that next relapse he wont make it through alive!
Originally Posted by raveneyes0824
I dont know what i would do if i ever lost him
Originally Posted by raveneyes0824
or if i ever have to tell our children that they will never see there dad again!!
Dear you are not God, death, disease, addiction,all those are part of life.. you may have to tell this to your children if he dies due to relapse, or accident, or anything else that may happen to him... or to you ... and worrying is not going to change anything. Admitting we are powerless is a huge one
Originally Posted by raveneyes0824
I just dont understand that if you love your family so much why dont they help there self ! Im trying to give it all to god and try not to worry but it is so hard!Im scared of what every day will bring!!
Today brought you a bunch of great people with experience, strength and hope.. welcome to SR. Life can be different from what we have known. Patterns CAN change. Toxic cycles CAN be stopped. It only takes one person to open a door to a better life for her or him, and the little ones.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Raveneyes, there are a couple of things you should know about As (alcoholics).
They lie, all of them.
They manipulate, all of them.
They only care about themselves, all of them.
As someone else posted here. Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
The only thing they care about is their addiction.
They lie, all of them.
They manipulate, all of them.
They only care about themselves, all of them.
As someone else posted here. Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.
The only thing they care about is their addiction.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Welcome, Raveneyes,
Glad you stopped in here. There's a whole lot of information available to you above these posts in the "Stickies" section.
There have been a few suggestions to you here, and I want to encourage you to reach out on every single one of them. Maybe not all at once...it sure is a lot to take in at once, but I promise: once you are able to understand the disease, your disease because of the disease, and what you can do to get better, you will feel better.
It takes time. It works if you work it.
Remember, about his alcoholism: You did not cause this.
You cannot control it,
and you simply cannot cure it.
But what you can do is work on YOU, and that's the best thing in the world to discover!
Regards,
Skipper
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 6
Thank you all for the great advice.I really need the support right now my husband relapsed last night and I still have no clue where he is! I think god had a plan because when i entered this site yesterday I thought everything was fine and he was not drinking I just need someone to vent to!I think god sent me here to help me prepare for what was coming because if it had not been for all you wonderful people and your advise I dont know how i would have made it through the night.I just keep telling my self it is out of my hands and its not my fault and Im trying not to fill sorry for my self but to pick up the pieces and move on So a very BIG THANK YOU to you all!!!!
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