ZeldaPinwheel

And I have to leave, right? We've been married for 17 years, we have a 5 year-old daughter, and this is NOT the life I want for her...and he won't go to recovery. He just said (drunk, natch) that he won't go to treatment unless I get thin (I'm 110lbs, 5'1"). What an *******...I love him (and our sober life) but when he's like this, I guess the writing is on the wall? Please tell me I'm making the right decision to leave...

Shellcrusher

Welcome to SR and thanks for sharing a piece of your life with us.

I spent some time with a similar decision.
I hate to not validate your reasons, valid as they are, or answer your question but the decision is truly yours to make.

Keep reading and posting. It really helps.

ZeldaPinwheel

thanks, and "Darn"...I just want someone to tell me what to do. I don't know any other way to make him stop, and this probably won't make him stop either, but at least I won't be all wrapped up in it. Sucks to have to start over - I've been with him since I was 20, and now I'm 39. He thinks I'm the one causing the drama. That I'm being melodramatic. so sad

Tuffgirl

No one here will tell you what to do! But ha ha...wouldn't that be easy?!

What we will do is recommend Al-Anon and other resources for you so when you do reach the decision making point in your situation, you are ready to make that decision yourself.

Welcome to SR...you are not alone...keep reading and posting here and don't listen to your AH quack at you. That's the alcohol talking, not him.

m1k3

Welcome to SR. People here have made both choices. What you have to do is decide what is right for you and your daughter. What your AH (alcoholic husband) wants doesn't even enter the equation. Remember the 3 c's.

You didn't cause it,
you can't control it,
and you can't cure it.

What you can do is take care of yourself and retake control of your life.

Your friend,

ZeldaPinwheel

Sigh. Thanks guys. It's a wee bit easier for me to make decisions since it's not just me, but my very perceptive preschooler. Today was the first time she's ever seen us "argue" and it really rattled her. We stopped immediately and played nice, but the tension is oppressive. She doesn't deserve that kind of family life.

dollydo

Hi,

You are so right, your daughter does not deserve to live in an house of an alcoholic. I know first hand how it will affect her as an adult, I am the product of that enviorment and it has not been any easy road to hoe.

Lots of support here, keep posting!

ZeldaPinwheel

Well that's the perspective I need, Dollydo. I think I'm going to take her to my parent's house on Saturday (they live on the opposite coast)...a happy, fun place. Not drama world. Mercifully, I work from home as a consultant, so I think I can just tell my boss that I'm having family problems? (side note: what does one say to one's boss in these situations)?? I am so sad and hurt, but I think I'm the only one that can dig out of this.

NYCDoglvr

If someone refuses to get help (even though they did it once), I don't think there's anything you can do or say.

LaPinturaBella

Can't tell you to leave hm, to divorce him or to stay...because I'm not you and it's not my life. But I can say, that it sounds like you've pretty much decided it's what you have to do, you just don't want to do it.

That is completely understandable. You love him. He's your daughter's father. You married him with one thing in mind and got something completely different (and not so fun). And you're scared because you've been together for such a long, long time. It's what you know.

So, here's what I can say:

1) This is your life and yo have every right in the world to live it in peace, in serenity, in joy and with a mutual, deep, supportive love.
2) You have every right in the world to have a husband who is your best friend, your lover, your mate and your partner.
3) It sounds like the above isn't exactly what the reality of your relationship looks like.
4) If you need validation, look inside. The only opinion of you (in any given situation) that matters at all, is YOURS!
5) If you need permission to leave, give it to yourself. One way to do that is to make two lists...be brutally honest with yourself and write down everything. One the first list, write out what YOU want in a husband and how YOU expect to be treated in that relationship. This is your list of what you want your life to look like. One the second list, write down everything that describes your AH (good and bad) and exactly HOW you are treated in this relationship. Compare the two. It helps sometimes to see everything in black and white on the page, instead of just having it rattle around in your head.

Hope this helps. Al-anon will help, whatever you decide to do. And welcome to the forum.

m1k3

What I told my boss when I was moving out was the truth. You will be surprised to find out how liberating it can be not to have to cover up any more.

ZeldaPinwheel

Yep. He went to outpatient rehab three years ago, took anabuse, the whole deal. Was high on life for several years. He's highly sucessful, makes a ton of money...and always used that as an excuse for his drinking (as in "look at all we have, what are you b)$@"ching about!??) I think we've watched every episode of "Intervention" together, but when I tried to parrot some of Jeff Vanvonden's platitudes, he just wasn't hearing it. He basically told me to go.., but i dont think he believed I really will.

dollydo

I like the truth, when I was with exabf, he took a load of pills, called me at work, I told my boss the truth, she understood as she had just broken up with a crack addict (I didn't know that)...you would surprised how many people are affected by alcohol & drugs!

ZeldaPinwheel

Yes, y'all are right. I do just have to do this, and you are right Mike, I
am very sick of lying (and being lied to). I came home from grocery shopping this afternoon, and he was drunk...and fairly defiant about it.

So hard. He's 100% wonderful when he's sober.

ZeldaPinwheel

Ha, I suspect my boss is a binge drinker, too (and he has same name/age as my AH) he will either be sympathetic, or think I'm a drama queen as well. Drunk in the afternoon? So what?

Seeking Wisdom

The decision to leave involves so many variables, it is impossible for anyone to make the decision of .. " if, when or how " you should move forward with your life.

It is a tragic situation trying to keep your family together when a child is involved .... and try to determine what your future will hold with or without your AH in your life. For me, if I had not been married with children and a joint business, the answer would most likely would have been to leave ... quickly.

My situation was very complicated with 2 young sons, a business, property .... etc. My AH drank for many years, most of which he worked diligently at keeping the extent of his drinking a secret. He finally admitted he was an alcoholic, went to AA and stayed sober for 2 blissful yet challenging years. Just when everything in our lives had improved dramatically ... was the time he decided to start drinking again. In two years, he quickly descended into a sickly, angry, confused late stage alcoholic that could no longer function normally.

Divorcing could have destroyed our mutual source of business income and allowed him unsupervised custody of my children ... something I was not willing to do. I also ended up running 2 businesses and then negotiating the sale of one business, and making all our financial decisions ... plus having to take my AH to endless doctor's appointments and tests as he could no longer drive or even comprehend what doctors told him. Decisions I could only have made if I was still married to him. So for me, the best choice was for us to live apart but remain married. This is just an example of why it is almost impossible to tell someone else what decisions are best for them.

However, if you keep reading all the many wise posts on this forum, especially the stickies above ... it will help you in making choices necessary to stop the insanity and hopefully find peace and serenity for you and your child.

Ponder

Now that really torques my shorts. I'll be blunt and say your daughter doesn't need to be exposed to that kind of attitude either, let alone the alcoholism. It leaves a little girl with the impression she won't be lovable unless she's rail thin skinny. Just my opinion.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

I feel so bad for you. I went through the same thing. He started drinking after years of being sober. It started in 2004 and just got worse and worse. A DUI in 2009 and now I am filing for divorce. I can not take it anymore. It totally sucks but I know I am doing the right thing.

HUGS to YOU!!

ZeldaPinwheel

Thank you!! I just found this website yesterday, and it is so helpful to talk/type about it. It is pretty isolating - no one in my family really knows the extent of his problem (his mother does). Naturally no one in my family has alcohol problems, and we're kind of uptight (in that we don't talk about much below the surface..."stoic") so it will be uncomfortable talking about it..,yet uncomfortable NOT talking about it. This is going to be a bad summer. Doesn't help that daughter is watching Tangled right now, and all the inspirational/love songs are playing. Darn Disney!!

ZeldaPinwheel

Yep, that was a low blow....and opposite of what I want my daughter to hear. Really gross.