RRTL

It brings me some peace of mind to have found this website I don’t feel so alone on this. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now and he is an alcoholic. I am so disappointed in myself my entire youth I promised myself I wouldn’t never date an alcoholic since my father was one. When I first started dating my boyfriend I didn’t know he was an alcoholic until five months into the relationship. I’m not going to lie I had a feeling after a couple of months but I ignored it because he is a great person when he doesn’t drink. When I confronted him he denied it. After five months we had a long talk and he cut down, which I thought for a long time. After one year of dating lots of things changed, emotionally I wasn’t the same anymore, I started developing anxiety .There has been times that he could be so mean verbally when he drinks and the next day he acts like nothing. When we go out by ourselves or with friends 80% of the time he gets really drunk to the point that I have to drive home or get a taxi. The next day he doesn’t remember anything. That’s one of the problems I can’t babysit him all the time. When he drinks hard liquor he doesn’t remember the next day, how can I trust someone like that. Everyone that knows him and I tell me that I am too good for him that he doesn’t treat me how I should be treated, and I know that but don’t know why I stay. I love him and I know he loves me to but that is not enough anymore. I have started counseling to deal with my issues, on why I stay, but I am still in the relationship. If anyone can give me advise on this please. Every night I go to sleep thinking on how much more time can i invest in him. It makes it really hard because I love him, I expect what should be right to me in a relationship but dont feel like its going to happen.

roxiestone

Welcome, RRTL,

I'm sure you will find lots of support and information here. Read the stickies on this forum and consider finding some Al-Anon meetings to attend.

Keep coming back and posting. We've all been where you are.

StarCat

Leaving was very hard for me, because I felt like I was responsible for him and his safety and well-being, and that if I left it would be all my fault if something bad happened.

I was never responsible for his decisions.
They were his decisions, and he was going to continue making them whether or not I was in the picture.
It soon became clear to me that as long as I was in the picture, he would not get better, because while I was there he continued to blame everything on the things that I "should have done" for him. In his mind, his choices were never his responsibility, always mine... And without taking responsibility for his choices, and the negative effects of those choices, how would he ever decide to get help and get better?

I had to go no contact, because my XABF (ex alcoholic boyfriend) was also abusive (verbally, emotionally, and financially). I will confess I don't know how he's doing. I hope he's getting the help he needs. At this point, though, I recognize that this is his call and not mine.

I second Al-Anon. It helps me so much!
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Shellcrusher

I'd take a stab and say you've already answered your question.
Many of us, myself included have found that exposure to an alcoholic makes us more acceptable to things that aren't acceptable.

You said you'd never do it based on your dad. You have a chance to break a cycle. Based on your post, you're not married, no kids, I don't know if you live together or not.

You see, I have all those things and an AW. Playing the shoulda woulda coulda after the fact is a bad game to play with yourself. Think again about what you want or don't want in your life because right now you have a great opportunity to have whatever fits your ticket.

Ask anyone of us in here and they'll all say it only gets harder.

barb dwyer

Welcome RRTL -

I hope SR will be support for you
while you educate yourself about
not only alcoholism
but codependency.

You're not alone!

RRTL

absolutely feel so responsible for his well being, I feel like I can save him and if I leave we would have given up on us! I know in my heart that I am not responsible for his decisions and that if he drinks I can’t stop him. I have broken up with him several times because of him treating me bad and each time he says that I have no spine because I give up to easy. I have lost so much already in my past that I feel like his words make me want to try more to save our relationship. His mom is so involved in given him advise about me and tells him that shouldn’t get mad for how he treats me that its nothing big. She has put up with his alcoholic father for 45 years of marriage . For a while we stop going out to social gatherings because of his drinking, I wanted to see if that helped. But it got to the point that if didn’t want to go his mother would offer to drop him off. That is the worse , makes me sick to my stomach. After reading a lot of the post , its sounds like my story over and over again. Thank you once again for your advice I don’t have kids or either married to him or live with him. I have get strong to walk away if he doesn’t want help.

Shellcrusher

Thanks for the updates RRTL.
Barb introduced an important concept that many of the existing or non-new members are aware of and I'll restate it.
Codependancy is something the majority of us "Friends and Family" suffer from.
A good book to read = Codependent No More - Melody Beattie.

Another quick hit concept are the 3c's.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it.
You can't Cure it.

Keep reading and posting. We understand your situation very well.

dollydo

I gravitated to alcoholics and finally an addict, as that was all I knew, I was raised in an abusive alcoholic home.

Finally hit my bottom while being with my last bad choice, the alcoholic, abusive drug addict. I found recovery, joined Alanon, went to therapy and started posting here.

You will know when you hit your bottom, when it is time to move on. Look at your BF's mother, could be you in 40 years, is that what from your life? Only you know the answer to that question.

Glad to meet you, keep posting, keep reading others posts.

NYCDoglvr

I think it's human nature to gravitate to what we know, what feels comfortable. In some cases, it's hooking up with an alcoholic after a childhood negatively impacted by alcoholism. Each day we choose what we want for ourselves, what we want our lives to be. Sometimes we choose simply by doing nothing. It takes a while to understand there's nothing we can do or say that is going to affect the alcoholic.

The alcoholic's primary relationship is with the bottle. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. While he continues to drink things can only get worse.

LaPinturaBella

You may feel responsible for him, but it's an illusion. You aren't responsible for him at all. The only person in the entire world you ARE responsible for is yourself. The only person you can ever save, is yourself. The only person you can make happy, is you. The only person you can "make" do anything or feel anything is you.

Please give Al-Anon a shot and read Co-Dependent No More. It will open your eyes, give you tools to heal and help you in more ways than you ever thought possible. Your ABF and his family are in complete denial. And it will only get progressively worse.

Glad you are here, it's a great place to learn and to find support.

m1k3

To add on to what shell has said, and said very well, is that you will notice that we are very careful with what we say,how we say it and try very hard not to tell you what to do, because as codies (codependents) we would like nothing better than to tell you exactly how to do it right, what mistakes you are making and OMG why did you do that.

Posting here is a great form of recovery for me as a codie. [noticed how I made that about me and not how you should do it?]

Your codie friend,

RRTL

Thank you everyone for your advise. My update with my boyfriend is that he is now my x-boyfriend. Nothing i did or said could change his actions, he had become more selfish as time went on. I tried to talk to him about our issues and he didnt seem to be listening or cared to listen to what i had to say. It seemed like everything i had to say had no meaning or foundation to him. I was always the bad one the one that would run, but that wasnt the case i would try but i just couldnt handle it. He said that a good women stands by her mans side and doesnt run from him, but i couldnt handle it anymore.

chronsweet

glad that you are going to let someone else be his 'good woman'. He will eventually try to fill his own inner void with 1) more alcohol and 2) someone's acceptance of it

Good thing is won't be you!

dollydo

"He said that a good women stands by her mans side and doesnt run from him."

************************************************** *********

Yeah...whatever...

I am happy for you, enjoy your life!

kendraa

I realize this is a very old thread. I'm in your shoes- only 2 years later. What ended up happening with the relationship? Did you end up back with him?

Hopeworks

Hi Kendraa,

Welcome to SR. I checked back on Chronsweet's last posts and her last posts were in July of 2012 where she reported she had left him after having restraining order put on him. There have been no posts since then and sometimes that happens as people come and go for a season and some of us stick around for years ...

Hopefully she is doing well with another support network in place.

There are others ... many others ... that mirror Chronsweet's story and that will share their experience, strength and hope with you. If you would like to share a little of your story in another post you will hear from other posters and maybe get some of the answers you are seeking...

Hit the "new thread" button and its gets the ball rolling....

Again... welcome.

thislonelygirl

The reason we stay in addict relationships despite treatment to us is because they are addicts.
If they were just flat out jerks it may make the situation easier.
However we reason in our heads that "its not them its blank"
Because weve seen them without blank and thats who they are. Who we want them to stay as.
No you cannot truly trust someone who does not know what theyve done or do in black out moments.
My ah loved to reason with me that hes not a cheater....though he may not be.
If a person drinks in excess. Has black outs. Drinks despite health. Says and does things they normally wouldnt and will drink themselves into a jail cell. Its reasonable to assume...cheating or anything else is not a far stretch. After all whilst actively using. The alcohol is the controller. Not them persay. Not until they want help.
The thoughts about how much you can invest in him will not go away even if he gets help and is sober because even with recovery the fear of the investment put into them will be there as long as the relationship goes on. Fearing that one day even years down theyll relapse and the whole mess happens again. To deal with that....we deal with what we can control. Ourselves.
Alanon. Here. Friends and family. Counseling . These are all great allies to meet with.

ZiggyB

Hi,
I know how you feel, I stayed in a relationship for 3 years with someone who was an alcoholic and verbally abusive. When he wasn't drinking, hanging out in bars and picking pointless fights he was really a great guy!

All of the drama with him kept me constantly on edge and yes I was an emotional basket case. It was extremely difficult for me to leave him because he kept telling me how much he loved me, couldn't live without me, etc.

Our breakup was the worst I have ever experienced and had me in psychotherapy for months. He became very abusive in addition to treating me quite unrespectfully (forgetting about me, being out drunk with the friends all the time).

You can't do anything to "fix" him, but you can save yourself at this point. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? You deserve to be treated with kindness. We all do.

good luck!
-z

Patsy22

I understand how you feel and you should get out now. I was in a live-in relationship with an alcoholic for 8 years until his death from liver failure. I became anxious, lost my job, lots of my friends but always stayed. I enjoyed the times we had together when he wasn't drinking but when he did he would be verbally and often physically abusive. He would lie and never apologise the next day. I feel looking back that I wasted those years and I have compromised my future. When I really look into my heart I'm glad I stayed and I miss him so much I'd take him back if I could for the good times even though the bad were so bad.

bamboo10

RRTL-I was in the same situation-I lost myself in my relationship. All the sudden the condifent independent person I prided myself on being was gone. My emotions were completely reliant on what was happening with my A and whether or not he was drinking.I became anxious, I has constant panic attacks. I lost a year and a half of my life to alcohol. I left a few months ago and could not have made a better decision. I remember when I first came here I hated everyone telling me to leave....now I realize they were right. I just recently met an amazing guy who in the short time I have known him treats me a million times better than my A ever did. There is better out there....and you deserve better.

I heard a quote yesterday- "If you have to fight for it now, you will have to fight for it always." if you have to fight to feel loved, or cared for, or not treated like a punching bag now, you will have to fight for those feelings always.

Im not going to tell you to leave-because I didnt like when people did that to me. What I will say is that there is better out there. Even just as a single person. You can be 100% happy in your life. If you chose to leave-it may not be right away. It takes time-but one day you will look back and think "wow, I am truly happy right now. Happier than I was in the entire year and a half we were together" (2 years in your situation)