sarah1414

I posted this in my May class. I thought I'd post it here also.

How stupid. How cunning. I just can't seem to say no at events. Fun events that I don't get to do very often. I think I need to drink wine to enhance the evening. So I drank wine. After telling myself (and all of you) that I was not going to drink last night, I talked myself into it on the way to the dinner. I convinced myself that I don't have a problem because I don't get drunk or embarass myself, blah, blah, blah, so go ahead and enjoy yourself.

How can this liquid be so darn powerful. I really thought this time was different. I think my problem is that I'm not convinced I'm an alcoholic in drinking but rather in thought. Does that make sense? Once I begin the cycle of drinking wine all the obsessive thoughts begin. My husband doesn't get it because he doesn't have a problem/he can't get in my mind. He could take the wine or leave it.

I hate that I failed. I hate alcohol and the stronghold it can have over us. Now the thoughts begin; why not just enjoy wine over the weekend and start on Sunday or Monday. How dumb is this?

Thanks for listening, May friends.

added:
How can I stop convincing myself that I can drink sometimes because I don't display alcoholic behavior (in action), when I know it will always lead to alcoholic thoughts? I know the answer. I really need to accept that I CAN NOT DRINK.

I thought I had surrendered. I guess it wasn't true surrender? This is stupid.

Bikeguy

Learn from your mistake and get back at the task at hand, alcohol is relentless in it's attacks on us hence we must be relentless in our efforts to stop.

bdiddy5522

What type of recovery plan are you working? Many of us find we can't do this alone. Stay strong and don't give up. We all quit drinking when the desire to get and stay sober is stronger than the desire to drink. I hope you get there soon.

saphira

The obsessive thinking is the hardest part for me to deal with. Once a tiny little thought enters my head about drinking, the addictive part of my brain runs with it. I think you're right...YOU CAN NOT DRINK. The only times I don't struggle are when I just make it an absolute thing. Also, if you can recognize the "voice" telling you it's ok to have a drink as your "addiction", that helps. I kind of think about it like I am 100% anti-drinking and I have a friend who is telling me things to try and convince me to drink. I wouldn't listen to that friend saying the exact same things my brain does, so why do I listen to my own thoughts? It's such a tricky battle-- I wish you all the best!

recoverywfaith

Glad you made it back and thank you for your courage to share. Generally the relapse occurs before the first drink (as you have stated). It takes a power greater than ourselves to relieve that obession. We can and do recover together.

michelle01

I think it needs to be more than an intellectual awareness of a problem. This is a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual disease. It is deeply embedded. Reprogramming all that doesn't happen overnight.

After some weeks of not drinking, it is natural to begin thinking, I have controlled myself for this time, I can't be that bad can I? So maybe it isn't that bad for me after all. Been there several times myself. Learned the hard way the results are always the same.

At an early stage in my recovery it was pointed out to me that a 'normal' drinker doesn't really have this conundrum or issue. A close family member of mine 'hates' alcohol, she will have a drink maybe twice a year, won't even finish that, doesn't give it any thought in between.

I'd also like to recognize your admission and honesty. I didn't always have that courage. Keep trying, I had a similar pattern before getting to a year plus sober.

sarah1414

Thank you all. I am encouraged that I will get there.

My plan was pretty simple. Don't buy wine, don't take the first sip while out, trust in my HP when tempted/weak. Obviously, I wasn't very committed to that plan last night.

FT

Just remember that when there is a part of your brain that is able to "convince myself", that is your "addict brain" in action.

Of course, we are really only one person. But the little "internal arguments" that go on in our brains are really the "addict brain" part of us arguing with the "rational brain" part of us.

Any time you start hearing yourself make convincing arguments about how you are NOT an alcoholic, forget the "label" and concentrate on the argument. Your rational brain is not winning the argument when you drink. You really do know better. One day you will start to realize that you can shut off the "addict brain" by recognizing it for what it is and taking rational control of yourself.

Just remember that alcohol and other substances take chemical control over you when you are under the influence, which is why self control flies out the window. You are no longer using rational thought to make decisions when you are under the influence.

Also, no one else really cares if you are drinking or not at these functions. There are ALWAYS non drinkers at these functions, and no one cares but you.

Zencat

Self-talk can be powerful. I used to convince myself of all sorts of lies that would give me the green light on using drugs. Today I found that challenging and shooting those thoughts of "it's all good, go ahead and use" down puts me back in power to remain sober.

A relapse can be difficult emotionally/mentally/physically. As long as one learns something from it, gets back on track, then all the better.

LoftyIdeals

Great advice, here. I can relate, as I did the same thing back in March at 30 days. On day 2 here. What a difference a day can make. Ready to end it all yesterday, but having a very fruitful day today. Jump back on the sober road before your path gets further astray!

Dee74

I fell many times Sarah, because I wanted to be like all the others I saw drinking and 'having a good time'.

I needed to accept I wasn't like them - they'd have their good time and then go home and never think about alcohol until the next time.

I'd obsess and more likely as not take some booze home 'for the road' to continue the party on my own....and the next day...and the next.

Playing the tape through to the end was useful for me - it's easy to think of the having fun part of drinking....it's less easy to force yourself to fast forward to the end of the evening or the next day....those are the times we need to remember in order to accept the fact that, fair or not, we're just not like everyone else.

I'm sorry you faltered but I'm glad you're back

D

Stride34

Hey Sarah. As you said yourself - I really think you're putting mental labels on things. You have a thought in your head that your an alcoholic, you have a thought in your head that alcohol is cunning, you have a thought in your head that you surrendered. But unless this is something you realize, deeply, and put it into daily action..then relapse is inevitable, and it'll happen again.

You don't just "surrender" once and then stay that way, recovery needs to be worked on a frequent, if not daily, basis in order to avoid returning to old behaviors. It's a struggle for a while. Then over time, it lightens up as these actions become habits and subconscious in nature.

NYCDoglvr

What is also super-powerful is denial, one of the chief characteristics of addiction.

michelle01

After awhile I stopped drinking socially because I became messy in public. My behavior started falling apart. The main symptom though I think is still the thoughts. That's kind of how I define this disease. Not the silly things I did or the way I behaved/didn't behave. I went into recovery not fully convinced I was an alcoholic either. But I soon became aware that my thoughts were quite sick and I couldn't trust myself drinking.

Zebra1275

If your recovery plan didn't work for you last night, you need to modify it. As the saying goes, you can't keep doing the same things and expect different results.

sarah1414

This site means so much to me. Thank you all for your honest kindness. I think it is too mental for me right now;

stride, you're right. I need to take more action. This is hard. But then again, the worthwhile and difficult things are always worth the work.

michelle, thank you. That's where I'm at. Realizing that my thoughts are not normal and truly realizing the only release is to give up the wine for good.

Thank you for taking the time to care. It means a lot!

eddie73

I think our memory of pain is very dull. We only remember the sunny days when we remember our youth. It is the same with booze. We dont remember the bad times at least not as vividly or often as the memories of good times when drinking. Thats why it was easier for me to return to the scene of the crime again and again.

never again for me is just one day at a time and the reminder of the pain and horror I got from drinking is always there at AA meetings or in journaling. Gd luck pal

instant

Sarah I think "failed" has such an emotion/ punishing sound to it. I would also think I had failed, but then I would try to see that what has happened is that I did not achieve my objective on that occasion. This can also be looked at that you do not have good skills to refuse alcohol in these sorts of scenarios (I am avoiding them, and the one I have coming up I am the designated driver- so I have a history of not drinking and driving).

I also find that it is more useful to think that I am learning to live sober rather than giving up alcohol- this is a more consistent with the position of having surrendered- I am raw and wobbly. Take care

Missy7

Sarah: I agree with instant. If you came back here you haven't failed.

And also, so many of us talk about how we relapse because we don't think we're alcoholic. I think that argument needs to be reviewed because those of us (like myself) who KNOW we are alcoholic relapse too...so it ain't that thin line.

I actually don't think that it's worth the effort to try to figure out WHY we relapse (oh, and I've ridden the relapse roller coaster plenty lately).

I think there has to be a permanent click. Someone (I / you) has to push the OFF button. And pushing it includes not asking questions.

For me, the best reason not to drink is that I don't know when I will wake up in the morning and not assess for a hangover. Even this beautiful, beautiful morning I woke up and wondered what condition I was in. It's like being mugged--it's that out of my control.

I don't know why that doesn't do it. But the answer is there. I mean, I wouldn't stick a key in an electric socket. Why do this?

I'm good today. All day.

EmeraldRose

We just were talking about relapse in AA...one guy (who's been sober 35 years) said that he knows of people that relapse and walk through the AA doors even after 15-20 years. Just because you are fresh, raw, vulnerable now doesn't mean those feelings ever actually go away. We are an emotional feeling species. However, I feel that working on yourself to forgive these thoughts, to make ammends with your past, to overcome the guilt and shame of the drinking and the thoughts of 'why not just one?' can have (will have) a huge impact on your future success in sobriety. Sobriety is a constant construction site. The cones are always erected and work is always being done.
Wishing you peace and strength.