Living with an addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: North Texas
Posts: 3
Living with an addict
I just found this site and hopefully some of you can give me some insight into my current situation.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7. We have two children together, they are 5 & 6 years old. I am 29 and he is 31. My husband has always had addiction issues, whether that was alcohol or narcotics. His drug of choice is crack. Narcotics were not really an issue until I had our first child. He would leave a lot, was unreliable, spent money which we did not have, and put us into a financial bind. This continued for a couple of years and has gotten better. I usually know when he is going to use (which can be 1 or 2 times every few weeks). He is pretty honest about it. He does still drink quite a bit, which has been an issue for me. I guess my question is, do I continue to have a relationship with someone who is a drug abuser, however infrequent that may be? I worry about the effects of these issues on my children.
After our children were born, I went back to school and finished my teaching degree, so I would be able to support myself if I ever needed to. I have been teaching for 2 years now and really enjoy it. My husband cannot keep a job, our house is currently going through a loan modification, which if not approved will result in foreclosure.
I'm just kind of lost right now. I feel like I live a double life. I am held to pretty high standards by day, but have this situation at home that I feel like I need to hide. My main concern is my children. They love their father to death, adore him. They want to spend every minute with him, so I feel responsible if I were to take that away from them. I just don't know what I need to do.
Sorry to ramble, any advice is appreciated.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7. We have two children together, they are 5 & 6 years old. I am 29 and he is 31. My husband has always had addiction issues, whether that was alcohol or narcotics. His drug of choice is crack. Narcotics were not really an issue until I had our first child. He would leave a lot, was unreliable, spent money which we did not have, and put us into a financial bind. This continued for a couple of years and has gotten better. I usually know when he is going to use (which can be 1 or 2 times every few weeks). He is pretty honest about it. He does still drink quite a bit, which has been an issue for me. I guess my question is, do I continue to have a relationship with someone who is a drug abuser, however infrequent that may be? I worry about the effects of these issues on my children.
After our children were born, I went back to school and finished my teaching degree, so I would be able to support myself if I ever needed to. I have been teaching for 2 years now and really enjoy it. My husband cannot keep a job, our house is currently going through a loan modification, which if not approved will result in foreclosure.
I'm just kind of lost right now. I feel like I live a double life. I am held to pretty high standards by day, but have this situation at home that I feel like I need to hide. My main concern is my children. They love their father to death, adore him. They want to spend every minute with him, so I feel responsible if I were to take that away from them. I just don't know what I need to do.
Sorry to ramble, any advice is appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Welcome BoomerSooner!
The harsh fact of addiction is that most addicts use because they want to escape reality, and their reasons for escape are complex, usually meaning any recovery is a MAJOR undertaking, much beyond just stopping the drug use.
The second harsh fact is that, so long as an addict is active, their addiction WILL eventually progress and get worse. So what you have today is going to get worse, because he's still active.
Others will be along shortly to chime in.
Have you learned about Nar-Anon? It's an organization for loved ones of addicts that helps you learn to cope and supports YOU, regardless what the addict ends up doing. Al-Anon is the sister organization, focused on helping loved ones of alcoholics, but many people attend Al-Anon meetings if there are not close by Nar-Anon meetings, as the approach is very similar. Both are free but accept small donations. (typically $1-5 per meeting and this is entirely voluntary)
Sending support!
CLMI
The harsh fact of addiction is that most addicts use because they want to escape reality, and their reasons for escape are complex, usually meaning any recovery is a MAJOR undertaking, much beyond just stopping the drug use.
The second harsh fact is that, so long as an addict is active, their addiction WILL eventually progress and get worse. So what you have today is going to get worse, because he's still active.
Others will be along shortly to chime in.
Have you learned about Nar-Anon? It's an organization for loved ones of addicts that helps you learn to cope and supports YOU, regardless what the addict ends up doing. Al-Anon is the sister organization, focused on helping loved ones of alcoholics, but many people attend Al-Anon meetings if there are not close by Nar-Anon meetings, as the approach is very similar. Both are free but accept small donations. (typically $1-5 per meeting and this is entirely voluntary)
Sending support!
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: North Texas
Posts: 3
Thank you. I found a nar-anon meeting not too far from my house. Perhaps my post is just venting, I'm the only one who can answer the questions I've posed. The question that most frequently goes through my head is, is it better for my kids to be with their father and see his drinking (and possible altered state of mind from drug abuse) or to not have him in their daily life and deal with the repercussions of that?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Perhaps some time reading the Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) section of this board would help you get more information from the perspective of kids who grew up with an alcoholic parent.
We have many here who grew up in alcoholic households.
We invite just plain ol' venting, too!
Also, many here will strongly support the separating of financial obligations from the addict, especially in windows of opportunity like refinancing a house. Addicts can spiral very quickly and cause financial devastation. Some open credit cards or credit accounts unknown to their spouse, and decimate the credit rating. All of his debt, is yours, while married, whether you approve or know about it, or not.
Especially with young children, it's important to protect financial assets and cash flow. Many family members of addicts were shocked when their x-boxes, jewelry, family heirlooms, children's piggy banks, etc. started to disappear, when they SWORE their addict would never do such a thing. Addiction turns people into new creatures.
CLMI
We have many here who grew up in alcoholic households.
We invite just plain ol' venting, too!
Also, many here will strongly support the separating of financial obligations from the addict, especially in windows of opportunity like refinancing a house. Addicts can spiral very quickly and cause financial devastation. Some open credit cards or credit accounts unknown to their spouse, and decimate the credit rating. All of his debt, is yours, while married, whether you approve or know about it, or not.
Especially with young children, it's important to protect financial assets and cash flow. Many family members of addicts were shocked when their x-boxes, jewelry, family heirlooms, children's piggy banks, etc. started to disappear, when they SWORE their addict would never do such a thing. Addiction turns people into new creatures.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
is it better for my kids to be with their father and see his drinking (and possible altered state of mind from drug abuse) or to not have him in their daily life
Would you let ANYONE else in the world be around your children when they were engaging in illegal behavior and high on mind altering substances?
Why wouldn't you hold their father to the same standard of behavior that you would hold a stranger too?
I've been in your shoes and it's not fun. I really feel your pain and I don't envy you. I chose to protect my son from addiction by removing him from the situation instead of exposing my son to addiction and his father's bizarre behavior when he was on drugs. My son loved his father too, but his father was not a good example and I didn't want my son growing up thinking that I would accept drug use in my house.
Take care of yourself and your kids first and foremost. Remember that they will grow up emulating their parents and repeating their choices.
Also be careful because addiction IS progressive. It's just going to get worse unless he quits. And NOTHING you do will get him to stop until he finds his bottom and hits it hard. And unfortunately when you financially support a drug addict and stick by their side no matter what, you are pretty much ensuring they won't hit their bottom.
Also, please beware of psychosis and violence. Crack is a bad mind altering drug. It makes people crazy. For real. When they are high, they truly can't control their visions and emotions and they are dangerous.
Do your children spend time with your husband when he is high on crack or narcotics? Please don't leave them unsupervised with him. It's just not safe.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Hi, welcome to SR. Your post strikes me because my situation was similar. The only difference is that you seem almost apathetic to his drug use from your post (altho maybe it is just coming across that way), whereas I was a crazy mess from my Ah's use. There was a lot of tension, disagreements and sometimes outright arguments. Fights are nothing any child should have to witness ever, and it caused a great deal of stress to my son. I have two children who are currently 6 & 8. I wish so bad I would have removed ourselves from the situation earlier. I also hated separating our family up. The kids love their daddy. He loves them in his own way - altho warped. But the reality is that my son has been a lot calmer since we separated. He has had less stress, and I hope that his years of witnessing things can be overcome with love and peace, which I try to keep in his life now. My youngest has an intellectual disability, so altho she has experienced this too, it hasn't had the same effect in terms of stress, etc. I am sad even typing this. I hate what my poor kids have gone through.
My husband has always had addiction issues, whether that was alcohol or narcotics. His drug of choice is crack. Narcotics were not really an issue until I had our first child. This sounds similar to me...my AH's drug issues did not surface until after our first child was born, but I was oblivious to what was really going on until right after my second was born.
He would leave a lot, was unreliable, spent money which we did not have, and put us into a financial bind. This continued for a couple of years and has gotten better. I usually know when he is going to use (which can be 1 or 2 times every few weeks). Please know that leaving and unreliability is noticed by children! This is not good for them. I wonder how it has gotten better, even though you mention he is still using? Crack is a horrid drug... (not my AH's DOC altho his is just as horrid), but I had a dear friend that became addicted to it. It took her down hard and fast and she lost EVERYTHING...her good job, her marriage, her house, then it almost took her freedom (i.e. facing jail). That was what woke her up. And it was a several year journey before she found herself on her feet again, she still has a long way to go in rebuilding her life. Please do not underestimate the power of crack...and every 1 or 2 weeks is not occasional use either, it is scary.
He does still drink quite a bit, which has been an issue for me. This was my AH's first issue and it continues. Altho he says he is not using drugs (which I absolutely question), the one thing he doesn't hide is his alcohol use. Alcohol is as bad as drugs. It is progressive and incredibly physically addictive.
I guess my question is, do I continue to have a relationship with someone who is a drug abuser, however infrequent that may be? You mention that his alcohol is an issue for you, but you don't say that about the drugs. In my opinion, drugs are simply not acceptable period. However, I also do know how hard it is to break free from someone who chooses not to stop. It is a horrible place to be in and my heart truly goes out to you.
No matter how loving of a parent someone is, drug and alcohol abuse will absolutely affect the children. What would you find acceptable from your children? As parents we should be role models for our kids...we are here to teach them what is right and wrong, to show them what it means to be a productive and responsible member of society. It is up to us to show them the value of hard work and the rewards that come from it.
I can relate to the double life...I lived it too. And it didn't work for me. The way I lived my own life, in my job and by way of my own desire of lifestyle did not fit with my husband's choices. I truly wanted no part of what he was involved in, so after confronting him so many times I realized that he wasn't going to do anything about it, so I had to.
My main concern is my children. They love their father to death, adore him. They want to spend every minute with him, so I feel responsible if I were to take that away from them. Please know that the horrible choices you face in life today are not your fault. Your AH is the one choosing a lifestyle that has the very real consequence of potentially losing his family.
I just don't know what I need to do. Only you can decide what to do. There are no easy answers. Please read as much as you can here and elsewhere...I highly recommend Codependent No More! By attending meetings, you meet people in similar situations and learn from them, over time. As the wife of an AH, I was in major denial for so long - it took a long time for me to fight my way out of the denial, and it has taken me a long time to work my way through decisions as well. As you journey through this, things will start to become clearer and clearer.
****{HUGS}}}
My husband has always had addiction issues, whether that was alcohol or narcotics. His drug of choice is crack. Narcotics were not really an issue until I had our first child. This sounds similar to me...my AH's drug issues did not surface until after our first child was born, but I was oblivious to what was really going on until right after my second was born.
He would leave a lot, was unreliable, spent money which we did not have, and put us into a financial bind. This continued for a couple of years and has gotten better. I usually know when he is going to use (which can be 1 or 2 times every few weeks). Please know that leaving and unreliability is noticed by children! This is not good for them. I wonder how it has gotten better, even though you mention he is still using? Crack is a horrid drug... (not my AH's DOC altho his is just as horrid), but I had a dear friend that became addicted to it. It took her down hard and fast and she lost EVERYTHING...her good job, her marriage, her house, then it almost took her freedom (i.e. facing jail). That was what woke her up. And it was a several year journey before she found herself on her feet again, she still has a long way to go in rebuilding her life. Please do not underestimate the power of crack...and every 1 or 2 weeks is not occasional use either, it is scary.
He does still drink quite a bit, which has been an issue for me. This was my AH's first issue and it continues. Altho he says he is not using drugs (which I absolutely question), the one thing he doesn't hide is his alcohol use. Alcohol is as bad as drugs. It is progressive and incredibly physically addictive.
I guess my question is, do I continue to have a relationship with someone who is a drug abuser, however infrequent that may be? You mention that his alcohol is an issue for you, but you don't say that about the drugs. In my opinion, drugs are simply not acceptable period. However, I also do know how hard it is to break free from someone who chooses not to stop. It is a horrible place to be in and my heart truly goes out to you.
No matter how loving of a parent someone is, drug and alcohol abuse will absolutely affect the children. What would you find acceptable from your children? As parents we should be role models for our kids...we are here to teach them what is right and wrong, to show them what it means to be a productive and responsible member of society. It is up to us to show them the value of hard work and the rewards that come from it.
I can relate to the double life...I lived it too. And it didn't work for me. The way I lived my own life, in my job and by way of my own desire of lifestyle did not fit with my husband's choices. I truly wanted no part of what he was involved in, so after confronting him so many times I realized that he wasn't going to do anything about it, so I had to.
My main concern is my children. They love their father to death, adore him. They want to spend every minute with him, so I feel responsible if I were to take that away from them. Please know that the horrible choices you face in life today are not your fault. Your AH is the one choosing a lifestyle that has the very real consequence of potentially losing his family.
I just don't know what I need to do. Only you can decide what to do. There are no easy answers. Please read as much as you can here and elsewhere...I highly recommend Codependent No More! By attending meetings, you meet people in similar situations and learn from them, over time. As the wife of an AH, I was in major denial for so long - it took a long time for me to fight my way out of the denial, and it has taken me a long time to work my way through decisions as well. As you journey through this, things will start to become clearer and clearer.
****{HUGS}}}
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To me, you have only one priority....your children. Right now they are living in a toxic enviorment, they are seeing you condoning your husbands drug & alcohol use.
What kind of a role model do you want to be for your children?
He is a binge crack user, he is sick, he can become very dangerous, crack is a horrible drug that can alter your entire being. This usuage is not to be taken lightly, he is a hard core addict.
Do what is right for your children, there is nothing you can do for him..it is all up to him.
What kind of a role model do you want to be for your children?
He is a binge crack user, he is sick, he can become very dangerous, crack is a horrible drug that can alter your entire being. This usuage is not to be taken lightly, he is a hard core addict.
Do what is right for your children, there is nothing you can do for him..it is all up to him.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: alabama
Posts: 68
I am in a very similar situation. Married for 10+ year have 4 kids. Responsible / respectable adult by day crazy nightmare at home. I can relate. I cant give much advice as I am still living in the nightmare. however, I can give you my experience.
It has been a rollercoaster with my AH for the past 10 years. A few years of doing good (good to me is not using to the point of stealing everything we own) and then a few years of bad (stealing everything loosing our home, cars, jobs, ect.) then back to good. Now let me say I dont think my AH has been truely clean ever, even during the good times. Each time we go through a bad period it seems to be worse then the time before. As a matter of fact this last bad time he started shooting up oxycontin. Which to me is as bad as it gets. Now, I will say my AH has held a job and keep homelife fairly normal the entire time. Go figure. I guess what I am saying that in my situation it just keeps getting worse with sprinkles of ok mixed in. I am sorry you are on this journey. Be strong. Protect yourself and your kids. It is such a bumpy road
It has been a rollercoaster with my AH for the past 10 years. A few years of doing good (good to me is not using to the point of stealing everything we own) and then a few years of bad (stealing everything loosing our home, cars, jobs, ect.) then back to good. Now let me say I dont think my AH has been truely clean ever, even during the good times. Each time we go through a bad period it seems to be worse then the time before. As a matter of fact this last bad time he started shooting up oxycontin. Which to me is as bad as it gets. Now, I will say my AH has held a job and keep homelife fairly normal the entire time. Go figure. I guess what I am saying that in my situation it just keeps getting worse with sprinkles of ok mixed in. I am sorry you are on this journey. Be strong. Protect yourself and your kids. It is such a bumpy road
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
YOu've gotten some good feedback, but I just wanted to say I know what it feels like to be held by high standards by day, and then unleashing my codependent alter ego by night. I've spent the past 10 years working for Child Protective Services. Removing children from their parents for drug use is something I face every single day. We are faced with convincing a court of law that the children are adversely affected to the extent to which they need to be removed and placed elsewhere. Drug screens, rehab referrals, pharmacy reports, dirty needles....all things that come across my desk daily. The mothers who often fail to protect their children from the father's drug abuse and exposure are also considered perpetrators. So, I get it. I too fell isolated in that sense. Many of the substance abuse counselors, NA members, psychiatrists, psychologists are part of my employment circle, and so I am unfortunately ashamed/embarrassed if/when I happen to cross paths with them in my personal life.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
