In need of support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2
In need of support
I have been so thankful to come across this site this past week. I have been lurking and gaining much needed courage to take control of my life.
I have been exposed to recovery my whole life as my dad is a severe alcoholic. I am oh so familiar with this life. No surprise I picked an addict to share my life with. I have been married for three years to my pot addict/alcoholic husband.
We had a whirlwind of a romance - engaged 6 months after dating. There were many red flags which i chose to ignore. My husbands family are all addicts as well ... his sister, dad, step mom all in recovery. One year into our marriage my 6 year old nephew moved in. (his sisters son) He was living with my husbands dad and step mom due to the fact he ended up in the hospital from being choked by one of his mothers boyfriends. Mom left and soon after my father in law got custody of the him. Six months later my father in law suffered a brain aneurysm and was not capable of taking care of him any longer. At that time my husband and I decided that we were going to raise him. The past 2 years have been filled with many ups and downs. My nephew has been diagnosed with aspergers making life for us extra challenging.
I was extremely aware of the fact that my husband liked to smoke pot and drink before we got married. I assumed that after we were married our priorities would change and he would grow up. Looking back I think I wanted to hold on to a fantasy that he would grow into the person I knew he could be.
I am finally able to admit that my life has become unmanageable due to his drug use and drinking. My husband has severe anger and rage problems. We have been to 2 therapist over the past year both of which he has been able to manipulate me to look the one with the problem. I finally gave up on marriage counseling and decided to go to therapy by myself. I now realize the mistakes I have made in this marriage and am learning to heal my past.
Two months ago I threatened to leave him and take our nephew if he didn't get help himself. Key word - threatened. He was scared enough of losing us at the time and to ask his boss for advise. (my husband looks to his boss as a mentor) He talked him into going to his personal therapist for someone to talk to. Well the universe was obviously giving him a huge wake up call because he ended up with weekly appointments with a drug counselor. Apparently his boss is a recovering alcoholic himself. I was thrilled and thought this guy would surely solve all our problems. We decide to move forward with adopting our nephew. Meanwhile we also learn that my husband has severe male infertility issues. I feel as if life just will not give us a break.
I have finally had enough of being left alone many sleepless nights to parent a child that was our choice to raise and waking up to realize he has lost countless dollars at illegal poker rooms gambling our money away. I am sure you all understand how draining and lonely it is to live with an active addict. I made one last plea to him to schedule an appointment with his counselor for both of us which he finally gave into. At our appointment last Thursday I had a breakthrough. It went as well as I could ever hope. His counselor pretty much told him he could either realize he had a problem or he could chose to lose it all. Im disappointed to say he chose to lose it all. I decided to kick him out this past Monday. He is unable to admit he has a problem and would rather smoke weed than have a family.
For the most part I feel great that I am finally taking back control of my life and my nephews life. I know he needs to be able to hit is bottom and there is no way he would do that where we were together. I have learned today that we will be able to put the adoption on hold for the moment - this is such a blessing to me. I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up all hope yet. However, I am ready to let him deal with his problems himself.
I have a lot of support from my family and friends and am doing everything I can stay strong. I am ready to move my life in a positive direction. I honestly am worried sick about our future together and hoping he will be able to get his stuff together - but I am surviving today. I have benefited so much from your words of encouragement to other posters. I am having a hard time letting go and not getting sucked into his manipulation. Today he tells me he's ready to move on without me and his nephew and that he just doesn't do breaks. He says he found an apartment and that he is on his path to happiness. Even though I know he is just trying to get me all worked up it is still so unsettling to hear. I am feeling like I married to man I never met before. I am holding on the thought that if nothing changes ... nothing changes. Please share your words of wisdom. I know this is for the better but I still holding onto hope.
I have been exposed to recovery my whole life as my dad is a severe alcoholic. I am oh so familiar with this life. No surprise I picked an addict to share my life with. I have been married for three years to my pot addict/alcoholic husband.
We had a whirlwind of a romance - engaged 6 months after dating. There were many red flags which i chose to ignore. My husbands family are all addicts as well ... his sister, dad, step mom all in recovery. One year into our marriage my 6 year old nephew moved in. (his sisters son) He was living with my husbands dad and step mom due to the fact he ended up in the hospital from being choked by one of his mothers boyfriends. Mom left and soon after my father in law got custody of the him. Six months later my father in law suffered a brain aneurysm and was not capable of taking care of him any longer. At that time my husband and I decided that we were going to raise him. The past 2 years have been filled with many ups and downs. My nephew has been diagnosed with aspergers making life for us extra challenging.
I was extremely aware of the fact that my husband liked to smoke pot and drink before we got married. I assumed that after we were married our priorities would change and he would grow up. Looking back I think I wanted to hold on to a fantasy that he would grow into the person I knew he could be.
I am finally able to admit that my life has become unmanageable due to his drug use and drinking. My husband has severe anger and rage problems. We have been to 2 therapist over the past year both of which he has been able to manipulate me to look the one with the problem. I finally gave up on marriage counseling and decided to go to therapy by myself. I now realize the mistakes I have made in this marriage and am learning to heal my past.
Two months ago I threatened to leave him and take our nephew if he didn't get help himself. Key word - threatened. He was scared enough of losing us at the time and to ask his boss for advise. (my husband looks to his boss as a mentor) He talked him into going to his personal therapist for someone to talk to. Well the universe was obviously giving him a huge wake up call because he ended up with weekly appointments with a drug counselor. Apparently his boss is a recovering alcoholic himself. I was thrilled and thought this guy would surely solve all our problems. We decide to move forward with adopting our nephew. Meanwhile we also learn that my husband has severe male infertility issues. I feel as if life just will not give us a break.
I have finally had enough of being left alone many sleepless nights to parent a child that was our choice to raise and waking up to realize he has lost countless dollars at illegal poker rooms gambling our money away. I am sure you all understand how draining and lonely it is to live with an active addict. I made one last plea to him to schedule an appointment with his counselor for both of us which he finally gave into. At our appointment last Thursday I had a breakthrough. It went as well as I could ever hope. His counselor pretty much told him he could either realize he had a problem or he could chose to lose it all. Im disappointed to say he chose to lose it all. I decided to kick him out this past Monday. He is unable to admit he has a problem and would rather smoke weed than have a family.
For the most part I feel great that I am finally taking back control of my life and my nephews life. I know he needs to be able to hit is bottom and there is no way he would do that where we were together. I have learned today that we will be able to put the adoption on hold for the moment - this is such a blessing to me. I am not ready to throw in the towel and give up all hope yet. However, I am ready to let him deal with his problems himself.
I have a lot of support from my family and friends and am doing everything I can stay strong. I am ready to move my life in a positive direction. I honestly am worried sick about our future together and hoping he will be able to get his stuff together - but I am surviving today. I have benefited so much from your words of encouragement to other posters. I am having a hard time letting go and not getting sucked into his manipulation. Today he tells me he's ready to move on without me and his nephew and that he just doesn't do breaks. He says he found an apartment and that he is on his path to happiness. Even though I know he is just trying to get me all worked up it is still so unsettling to hear. I am feeling like I married to man I never met before. I am holding on the thought that if nothing changes ... nothing changes. Please share your words of wisdom. I know this is for the better but I still holding onto hope.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Wow! You are a real power of example. You seem to see the core issues clearly and even though it feels awful, take a huge action. Now it's time to give yourself some credit for being brave and definitely NOT beat yourself up over anything. Letting go is a process ... no one can just snap their fingers and VOILA! I think most of all you're going through the awful pain of the situation and still keeping a reality check on the situation.
For so many of us the focus must always be on someone else. But what I see in you is someone also taking care of herself. It is so hard, I know.
At an emotional time like this, I wouldn't put too much stock into what your husband says -- move on! happiness!. Lots of time we talk big to keep the fear in check. Watch what he does ... that speaks volumes. Take deep breaths and gather support around you. Always remember, it's a process ....
For so many of us the focus must always be on someone else. But what I see in you is someone also taking care of herself. It is so hard, I know.
At an emotional time like this, I wouldn't put too much stock into what your husband says -- move on! happiness!. Lots of time we talk big to keep the fear in check. Watch what he does ... that speaks volumes. Take deep breaths and gather support around you. Always remember, it's a process ....
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family, and I hope you will continue to share as needed.
You are doing great!
You are taking positive steps to create a healthy home environment for yourself and your nephew. Good on you.
Based on the recent quacking (alcoholic mumbo jumbo) from your AH, it may help you stay focused by going no contact. I know from experience there has to be some contact about financial, parenting responsibilities. However, there is no need to subject yourself to the other quacking.
I tried to keep my contact on a business level - just sticking to the facts and leaving all the personal stuff out of the conversations.
Here is one of my favorite links that helps me when I feel I am getting hooked back into boundary-less relationships. It is from one of the sticky posts at the top of this page. It is under the heading "About Recovery"
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the rest of the family, and I hope you will continue to share as needed.
You are doing great!
You are taking positive steps to create a healthy home environment for yourself and your nephew. Good on you.
Based on the recent quacking (alcoholic mumbo jumbo) from your AH, it may help you stay focused by going no contact. I know from experience there has to be some contact about financial, parenting responsibilities. However, there is no need to subject yourself to the other quacking.
I tried to keep my contact on a business level - just sticking to the facts and leaving all the personal stuff out of the conversations.
Here is one of my favorite links that helps me when I feel I am getting hooked back into boundary-less relationships. It is from one of the sticky posts at the top of this page. It is under the heading "About Recovery"
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Wow! LiftMeUp!! Welcome to SR!!
I'm so glad you posted.
I"m sorry you're going thru all of this. You've taken a big step by seperating yourself from your AH. The biggest and hardest step is the first one...admitting that your life has become unmanageable as a result of drugs or alcohol. Its' hard to take off the rose-colored glasses and see things as they really are and not how we would have them be. So kudos to you for dealing with reality.
The best thing I ever did for myself was to evict my exah and go no contact. I've been doing it for about 8 weeks now and I cannot begin to tell you how quickly things come into focus when the addict isn't around to blur the picture with their addict manipulation and games.
My exah tried every manipulation tactic in the world. He would leave messages on my phone designed to pull at my heart strings and make me feel guilty and bad for him. In one message he would say just what your husband is saying...that he was moving on to a new and better life...and 30 minutes later he would leave a message about how he couldn't go on without me...implying (I think) that he would harm himself if I didn't reconsider things. 30 minutes later he would leave an angry message where he would accuse me of having an affair because after all, absent an affair of some kind, I had absolutely NO REASON to evict him from my home.
After a week or so of these messages, I blocked his phone calls and I can't begin to tell you how much peace I've experienced because of it.
Addicts are expert manipulators.
Your husband knows exactly what buttons he needs to push to bring you around to his way of thinking and doing things. The less contact you have with him, the less chance he has of messing with your head.
Anyway, I'm glad you're here.
I hope you stick around. SR is a great place to learn and grow in YOUR recovery.
Hugs...
Mary
I'm so glad you posted.
I"m sorry you're going thru all of this. You've taken a big step by seperating yourself from your AH. The biggest and hardest step is the first one...admitting that your life has become unmanageable as a result of drugs or alcohol. Its' hard to take off the rose-colored glasses and see things as they really are and not how we would have them be. So kudos to you for dealing with reality.
The best thing I ever did for myself was to evict my exah and go no contact. I've been doing it for about 8 weeks now and I cannot begin to tell you how quickly things come into focus when the addict isn't around to blur the picture with their addict manipulation and games.
My exah tried every manipulation tactic in the world. He would leave messages on my phone designed to pull at my heart strings and make me feel guilty and bad for him. In one message he would say just what your husband is saying...that he was moving on to a new and better life...and 30 minutes later he would leave a message about how he couldn't go on without me...implying (I think) that he would harm himself if I didn't reconsider things. 30 minutes later he would leave an angry message where he would accuse me of having an affair because after all, absent an affair of some kind, I had absolutely NO REASON to evict him from my home.
After a week or so of these messages, I blocked his phone calls and I can't begin to tell you how much peace I've experienced because of it.
Addicts are expert manipulators.
Your husband knows exactly what buttons he needs to push to bring you around to his way of thinking and doing things. The less contact you have with him, the less chance he has of messing with your head.
Anyway, I'm glad you're here.
I hope you stick around. SR is a great place to learn and grow in YOUR recovery.
Hugs...
Mary
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome!
It sounds like you are heading in the right direction, I know how difficult it is.
Your hubby is going to do alot of Quacking and pull every trick he knows out of the bag. That's what addicts do.
Do you attend Alanon? If not, I would consider doing so.
Take care of you and your nephew, you are his stability.
It sounds like you are heading in the right direction, I know how difficult it is.
Your hubby is going to do alot of Quacking and pull every trick he knows out of the bag. That's what addicts do.
Do you attend Alanon? If not, I would consider doing so.
Take care of you and your nephew, you are his stability.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I assumed that after we were married our priorities would change and he would grow up. Looking back I think I wanted to hold on to a fantasy that he would grow into the person I knew he could be.
I was always looking at his "potential". Ugh.
Welcome to SR, and I'm glad you posted!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2
Thank you all for your support. Im having a hard time today. Im feeling very lonely and questioning myself. I took all your advice and decided today to start no contact with my AH. Although, my mind can not stop going to a place where I wonder well what if he does get his life together and is better off without me. Im wondering did he ever really love me - It is very hurtful to see the man you love pretend that you are all of the sudden nothing to him.
I appreciate the link about getting hooked - I can really relate! My wish is that he won't let his anger win but it seems as if he is on a very destructive path. Unfortunately, he was taught to rebel and seek revenge. I guess I just can't wrap my head around why would anyone chose to stay so miserable. Ugh this is all so very hard.
I appreciate the link about getting hooked - I can really relate! My wish is that he won't let his anger win but it seems as if he is on a very destructive path. Unfortunately, he was taught to rebel and seek revenge. I guess I just can't wrap my head around why would anyone chose to stay so miserable. Ugh this is all so very hard.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((LiftMeUp)))
You are not alone. We understand.
I went through a grieving process as I split from my AH. It was the loss of the dream. The dream of what could have been. It came in waves. Depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, denial, over and over and sometimes all in the same day.
Please give yourself time to grieve.
Get help if needed, especially if you feel yourself stuck in any of the phases of grief.
melody beatties book "Codependent No More" has an excellent chapter (easy to read) that deals with the stages of grief.
You are not alone. We understand.
I went through a grieving process as I split from my AH. It was the loss of the dream. The dream of what could have been. It came in waves. Depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, denial, over and over and sometimes all in the same day.
Please give yourself time to grieve.
Get help if needed, especially if you feel yourself stuck in any of the phases of grief.
melody beatties book "Codependent No More" has an excellent chapter (easy to read) that deals with the stages of grief.
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