Hope44

Where there is no proof (you do not find drugs, or see them taking drugs) but there are signs the addict is using (in our case, using again) - eyes don't look right, new needle marks on arms, slurred messages on the answering machine. And yet the addict would maintain they are not using? I'm guessing this is common? I would like to hear from those who have experienced this and how you worked through it. I know an addict lies... just sometimes it feels like her lies are causing me to doubt what I am almost certain is true.

And with that said, has anyone else ever worried that someday their addict will actually be telling the truth, and we will not believe them?

Thanks for your input,
Hope

Freedom1990

Hope, what else would the needle marks be from? I ask this gently.

My 33-year-old denied denied denied when she was living with me, and I bought it until my household was turned upside down, and I started finding evidence all over the house.

Never again will I place myself in that position.

I work hard at reminding myself that she IS an active addict.

Kindeyes

Hope
This is a biggie for me. My son threatens suicide regularly. Several months ago, on my birthday, he called to to tell me that he was going to blow his brains out. He had threatened many times before and many times since. He has cried wolf so many times to manipulate my emotional state. I am concerned that one of these days he will be telling the truth and I won't believe him.

That is why I keep telling myself that there is no useful purpose in fearing that which I cannot control. I cannot control that he uses meth....so I choose not to fear it. I cannot control his suicidal thoughts......so I choose not to fear them.

I turn him over to his HP every morning and that brings me peace.

gentle hugs
ke

Hope44

Freedom, you're right. But part of me thinks, maybe these marks aren't new. Actually, the one on her right arm IS old, and fading. But unless I missed it before (see, this is where I get tripped up) there is a new mark on her left arm.

Since she relapsed, about three weeks ago, I have been thrown off course. There is this nagging unrest that perhaps she is telling the truth, when everything else points to the opposite. There is a lesson for me in this... I pray I learn it soon.

Thanks for your input.

Hope44

Kindeyes,

I could cry reading about your son threatening suicide, and the struggle this causes you. I'm amazed at how you've come to this place of surrender, really. And of not fearing that which you cannot control. I think there's still a part of me that thinks, while I may not be able to control my daughter's addiction, there is something else I could be doing to help. Or maybe help isn't the right word. Show love. How I just want to bring her bag of groceries and yet I hear this voice "DO NOT ENABLE!" I am not as convinced as I once was that this voice is from God.

It's been very difficult for me, emotionally, since her relapse.

So thankful for your support.

Kindeyes

Hope44-I understand. And don't get me wrong. I do have fleeting thoughts of "if I do this or that....." but we've been on this road now for 13-14 years. It has been a progressive road......and very sad to witness. It's no worse than anyone else here on SR has had to deal with. We love them and they continue to use. They suffer. We suffer. And on it goes until one of us decides we just don't want to suffer anymore. I've come to that point.....I just don't want to suffer anymore and I am not his HP....I am not powerful enough to stop my son's suffering. So I am taking the Serenity Prayer to heart.......I am accepting that which I cannot control, attempting to control that which I can and working hard to try to understand the difference.

gentle hugs from one Mom to another
ke

justjo

Hi Hope, Im sorry you are going through this darling. Its a horrible thing when we fear safety for our kids. It probably wont help you right now but time and courage will help you. I still occasionally have setbacks myself (just the fear of the unknown I guess) but I have grown to know I have done all I can do and now my children have to live and decide their own lives.

I'll share something with you darling - I have 3 sons. My eldest son now 28 is doing well, but I went through years of him taking drugs and alcohol. I went through the emotional phone calls and begging me to help him financially. So I did you know, not knowing I was actually helping him use more.
I came here to SR originally for help - my sister was an alcoholic (she died).
Anyway, I was told things I didnt want to hear but gradually I grew so much stronger. I had windows smashed, holes in the walls, until I finally told him not to come home again, until he stopped.

The strength I gathered from SR helped my son get his life back on track. it hasnt been easy for him, but he now is a healthy gorgeous man I love.

My second eldest son I have only seen twice in 5 months. Drugs & alcohol too. I asked him to leave after he stole alot of money from me. I had enough, I wanted freedom from it all. I still love him so much, but I cant do it anymore, you know. I cant keep enabling my family anymore, I need peace. and I think you will get to that someday. The trouble was that I blamed myself for the bad things in their life. I was a good mother, I deeply know that and I know my children know that too.

Keep reading and posting, I wish you well but most of all, please look after yourself.
JJ

Freedom1990

Just an afterthought on this thread as I was thinking about it again...

It took years, I mean years, for my parents to trust me again, and rightfully so.

They had a real hard time believing much of what I said.

Yes, I got mad about that at times, but that's what my sponsor is for, a sounding board to bounce those feelings off of and get my attitude readjusted.

It's not the end of the world if you're mistaken, is it?

I survived in pretty good shape despite my parents' non-trust for years.

Hope44

Kindeyes, thank you for sharing from your experience and wisdom. You've reminded me of something I often come across when spending time with God, which is - when I am weak, He is strong.

Justjo - your words are like a warm, strengthening hug. Thank you. It takes time but I am slowly coming to trust the experience of others who have been there. Sometimes I just get to thinking (hoping) it'll be different for me. You're sons are so blessed to have you for their mother.

Freedom - lol, that is so true. Who cares if my daughter is telling the truth and I don't believe her. The important thing is - she would be clean!!! My husband has had to tell me the same thing on several occasions. I really think I ought to start taking notes....

Thanks to all.

MsPINKAcres

((Hope44))

Good Gravy - this stuff isn't for wimps is it?

We want the best for them so badly - we want to believe the positive, the good, the sobriety ~ but we also know the cold hard truths - we see the evidence, the signs, but every ounce of our being wants to discount our truths.

For me, I didn't really need the addict to tell me I was wrong - I was arguing with myself!!!

My own recovery program helped me have the tools to deal with these feelings - they didn't go away completely but i have healthier ways to manage them.

In the daily reader of ODAT in Al-Anon - says . . . "What we are meant to know will come to our knowledge without any action on our part." . . .
Which gave me the reassurance that the God of my understanding will let me know what I need to know WHEN i need to know it.

So it helped me change my focus back on to me - which is really the only place I can really accomplish any growth, healing or serenity.

Just what has helped me!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

BoomerSooner

I feel like I always listen to my gut. If something doesn't seem right, it usually isn't. In the beginning, I used to feel like I was going crazy. I would be certain he was doing something, but he would deny, deny, deny. Over time, I realized that I usually was right and all of those gut feelings I had were correct.
If I ever falsely accuse him, I feel like that is ultimately his doing. He has led us down this path of lies and falsehoods, so it's not my fault if I don't believe him. Now, I feel apathetic about the whole thing, I usually don't get angry or upset, I just keep on going. Which, I don't necessarily think is a good thing.

MissTara

Hope,

When I was with my exa fiance, I would look and search for things to confirm my suspicions that he was using. I guess it was to validate or make me feel better that I was right? All in all it was his life to control, not mine.

I was always LOOKING for something to pin on him. And it drove me crazy. It was not even HIS behavior that was doing it to me, it was MY own actions.

I would try to focus on yourself and your needs. Maybe find an al-anon / nar-anon meeting if there are some in your area. Get some knowledge behind you on addiction/alcoholism. For me, knowing why I was acting the way I was and all of the facts behind his addiction to drugs and my addiction to him.....helped me so very much.

Hugs to you.

StrongForMyKids

I've been lied to myself numerous times and even went through buying at home drug test, which for me was of no success. After a few times of cracking his shell and him admitting what he was doing I started noticing the patterns. Quiet often he would blame it on drinking and told me "go buy a drug test and I'll prove you wrong." I have finally came to a place in my life and with him, my gut has always been right. I don't need a drug test or him to lie to me. I've never had a gut feeling or "seen the signs" without actually seeing the drug or money missing, and not been right. Good luck to you and my best advice is always follow your gut.

Hope44

MissTara,

It is important for me to feel as if I'm, not necessarily SEARCHING for signs, but reading the signs correctly, because IF she is using again we will not support that, we will not tolerate her in our home, and we will limit our contact with her. On the other hand, if it is true what she's saying - that she's been working really hard and doing well and not using - we are more apt to support and encourage her.

My gut tells me she is lying to us, desperately not wanting us to believe she is using again. All in all, time will tell.

MichealR

Trust is something they have to gain back. You didnt lie, cheat , steal. This is not your fault. If she wants trust , she has to earn it back. What drugs? Opiates, look for small pupils. Drug test her. Addicts cant quit on their own.

Nina Kay

Hi Hope. Everyone here that has shared with you from their experience has said what I have also experienced with my son. This is going to sound kindof strange, but I've learned over the last 15 years that when my son is clean & sober, I can see it clearly. I do know what you mean about not being sure sometimes, but then I remember that if I have any doubt at all, then he IS using or drinking. My son is an extremely different person when he is using than when he is clean & sober. I just have to remember that while I'm in the moment of dealing with him. When I see him acting somewhat better but still not himself, that usually means that he is using some of something sometimes. That's just my 2 cents, for whatever it's worth. But I do have to add that it really makes no difference whether I can tell for sure or not because as we say in the recovery groups, " I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, & I certainly can't control it." And when they are using enough to put them out of your home, then you will certainly be sure by their actions. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with all of this hurtful stuff too.
((((((((((((Caring Hugs)))))))))))))))