isthereanend

In April, my ex-husband and childrens father, left without saying a word. His family came to me, to let me know he had admitted himself into rehab for opiates. (I found out the following day he had lost his job due to his addiction and behavior, this is why he entered rehab-to save his job)

A few weeks into rehab, he called, apologized for not telling me anything that had been going on, explained that he knew he was sick and informed me that he was getting help.

Upon his return from rehab, he informed me he would be attending meetings daily at 7 pm, and that he wanted to spend time with the kids around that schedule. He assured me that this would never happen again, and continuiously apologized for the situation he created.

It has been roughly a month since his return, and he no longer attends meetings, is drinking frequently (he is and has been an alcoholic for years, however, this has never been addressed outside of court ordered counseling/meetings), has quit contacting me regarding seeing the kids. He has become defensive each time I ask him anything pertaining to his addiction (i.e. if he is continuing to attend meetings, if he will submit to a urine test, etc...)

In my gut, I believe he is using again. Is there anyway to know? I don't understand how one goes from being completely open about what's going on and then does a complete turn around saying it's none of my business.

I don't know anything about any of this and am so confused.

kmangel

IMO the writings on the wall.

I have experienced this with my smoker husband. When he has quit in the past he would notice others who were smoking and comment about how he disliked being around smoke and how smokers were ruining their lives. He was pretty self righteous about others smoking. When the comments ceased, the smoking had returned. So with your husband, he went from being open to talking to you about what he was doing to recover from his illness to telling you it's none of your business, which IMO is his way of showing you where he stands in the recovery process.

angie4

Is there anyway to know?

You just know. You dont need proof. If your "gut" is telling you he is using then he is. Simple as that. Trust yourself. And be prepared. Im sorry you are going through this. Remember your not alone.

isthereanend

Thanks, to all of you.

I have no idea what to look for, or what to expect. I've known he's had issues for many years, and was relieved he was getting help. I was expecting this changed person when he returned to town. Sadly, nothing has changed.

None of this makes any sense to me. How in the world do pills and alcohol become more important than your kids? How do you just not care?

I do apologize, for realistically it seems there are no answers, it's just really difficult to deal with...

kittykitty

Hi and welcome. It is hard to deal with, but that's addiction in general, you described it. Nothing is more important than the substance. Not family, not children, not even themselves and their own well being. Nothing takes precedence over their drug of choice.

I'm sorry things didn't work out like you had hoped. It might be better that you are spending some time apart, and he isn't seeing the kids. The kids don't need to see this side of him.

My alcoholic step father would really jump down my throat when I asked about his recovery, back when I thought he was still recovering. Got very angry and defensive. Told me to go to Alanon. I'm telling you the same thing. Try to find an alanon meeting, and if the kids are old enough, Alateen for them. Worked wonders for me.

There is nothing you can do for your husband. Some people just don't want to get better. Some people struggle, break through, and survive the disease of addiction; others will die from it. It is their path, and out of our hands. What is in your hands is your future, your well being, and the well being of your children.

so sorry you and your family are going through this

kmangel

As a mother of an addicted son, yes it can seem impossible to understand how a person can go from getting DUI's, losing his job, wrecking his car, losing his girlfriend, losing all his money to drugs, losing his home, etc., etc., etc., and still use. Doesn't make sense how that drug can be the most important thing in a person's life--but it is. What you are dealing with and what I was dealing with before rehab is not the person we used to know. My son is now in rehab and I'm hopeful that we will get the return of our son. Your ex-husband hasn't reached his personal low yet. The first round of rehab didn't bring him to that place where he had really changed. Would have seemed like he would already have been there, but apparently he hasn't. He just exchanged one addiction for another when he got home. I can see how a person may delude himself in thinking alcohol was not the drug that got him in trouble so he'd take it up in place of the other drug thinking he would be okay. An addict can't use--period. And you can't make him see the truth of it for him. He has to discover it on his own.

Freedom1990

He is using...alcohol. As has already been said, he's switched one addiction for another.

isthereanend

Thanks to everyone for responding.

After having a discussion with my ex last night, I just walked away shaking my head. For the first month after his return, he came to my home to visit the kids. Upon providing me with a clean urine test, after the 30 days, I had agreed to e/o wknd visits. That happened one weekend. Last week, I was informed he was AGAIN, fired from his job. (for using)

I simply told him, I do not feel the kids are safe in your care, unsupervised, at this point. My parents have volunteered to host supervised visits (he is no longer welcome in my home due to his behavior and disrespect last week). He put his nose up in the air and told me, I'll have a hair follicle test for you in a few days.

I am so worried about what's right for the kids. I know they need to have time with him. They love him. However, I do not believe he is good for them in his current state. This is the worst situation I've ever had to deal with.

isthereanend

Very good point.

hello-kitty

Kids don't NEED time around a drug addict. That's the last thing they need. Even if, especially if, that drug addict is their father. Kids need stability, food, shelter, to know that they are your number one priority and that you will do whatever it takes to protect them and ensure their wellbeing.

It would be nice is both parents were committed to doing that. But it's not reality. It falls on you. Someone has to take care of the kids. And a drug addict is too consumed with himself to do that.

I remember what someone said to me once, when I was going through a similar situation with my son's father. Being a FATHER is a priveledge not a right. There are ways you can explain this to your children. Depending on their age. Daddy loves you but he's got an illness and we can't be around him right now. Hopefully he gets help soon but until then you can ALWAYS rely on me. I will ALWAYS be here for you. I will ALWAYS take care of you. I am your mom and that's my life.

FT

Hi ITAE:

No, there isn't an end, unfortunately. Because your ex continues to drink, he is in active addiction and it doesn't much matter if he adds opiates to the mix, in terms of whether he is "clean" or not. He isn't. He's been doing this for years, and he isn't going to stop because somebody else wants him to, or he gets fired, or whatever else is going on in his life. You have no control over what he does, and right now he doesn't either.

The best thing you can do is provide a safe environment for your kids, and depending on how old they are, they need to start learning about what addiction is and what it does to someone. They are at high risk themselves now, being children of an addict. There are Al-Anon and other support groups that deal with families coping with an addict's behavior. Even if they are too young to participate, that would be a good place for you to get some support now.

Your angst and frustration are valid. You don't want this influence in either your life or your kids' lives, but it is what it is. How you deal with this and move on with your life is how your kids are going to learn their own coping skills. They can still love their dad at the same time as eventually learning about his disability with drugs and alcohol.

Good luck. Get the support you need as soon as possible. Your situation is very common, and it helps to get with other people who are going through what you are.

Ft

isthereanend

I am amazed at what I'm learning since joining this forum yesterday.

Thank you, to everyone.