In Love With An Addict....
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 28
In Love With An Addict....
Hello, I really don't know how to go about this. I guess I can give a lil run down on everything...
I grew up with my family, very close to my father's side. I was sheltered as much as my family could do. I was the baby of 13 cousins, but we were all close as siblings. I never knew much about drugs, they weren't my thing and I could really careless for them. I had my friends. When I was a teen I was diagnosed with depression and put on random meds, that was bad enough in my head. I became addicted to pain killers shortly after my mother died in 2004. They seemed to be the only things that could put me to sleep and numb that numb feeling I felt when I was awake.
In late 2009 I met a man. He's 10+ yrs older then me. We started to talk on the phone, texting, and emailing. A few days after my gma's funeral, he came and got me. We spent the first night talking and sharing things even more. We got close and I ended up moving to be in the same town as him. He had told me he was a recovering addict. I had never taken the time to get to know one. (Though I found out a few months back I have a few in my family!) But we were close, spending alot of time together. When the place I was staying at didn't work out, I started to stay at his place.. We were "seeing" eachother for 4 months when he asked me to be his girlfriend. By then I had realized he was changing slowly. I found out one day when I came home he was using. I had him meet me at a friend's place, due to I didn't feel comfy having the "talk" with him while at "his" place with his friends. I told him that he either stopped or he was going to lose his child and me. If he had any heart towards either of us, he'd see it was becoming SERIOUS. He stopped and was clean for 9 months... But we had a HUGE blow up in Oct.. He said that maybe I should leave. I grabbed some clothes and left, staying with a friend. I found out later that he had started again and was keeping it from me, the whole time he was putting me down and using things against me that he knew would bring out my depression... Then it got even worse when I allowed it to continue because I was so scared to lose him, his family, our LIFE.... I see now that I was scared of being alone. But things still went down the drain when he started to have his dealer over and became very "close" with her. Breaking my heart. (I am also a recovering cutter.) I began cutting myself to relieve the pain that I felt inside myself. He would walk in and just look at me, then walk away. One night he told me that the first time that he has to step in and do something about my cutting, then it will be an issue. Just as it was the same with his using. I started to cry again. I was 4.5 yrs clean of cutting. I had never allowed myself to get so low. When we finally ended it all... He had became this person that I feared and pittied at the same time. I didn't know if I wanted to hold him and tell him I am sorry that he's messed up... Or slam the door in his face. He kicked me out, knowing I had no where to go...
We are now both living in seperate places... He is depressed, still on, and his life seems to be falling apart.. And mine, mine is difficult. I work two jobs, live on my own, pay my own bills, go to the gym, and try to keep my head above the water with my depression. We still talk and spend time together from time to time. But it is getting so hard for me. I have friends that are telling me to forget him. That he is no good for me. I have been working REAL hard on building my confidence back up and be happy with who I am. He puts me down. He is the first in a long time that I have EVER opened up as much as I have. He is the first I have bonded with since my mother died. My family has even told him this, due to the fact that they know I am very distant with people. But I am in love with him. And I try to tell him no when I know he's having a hard time and doesn't have the money for things he needs. But I break and help him. I don't know what to do.. When Vday came up this year, I got the worse Vday gift in pictures. My ex had started to cut himself, do to the fact that I had started to make new friends that were males. And I had began to ignore him because I could not stand the constant put downs and the "You were my life... I loved you.... Why don't you love me?" All the time... One picture he had cut so deep that there was blood everywhere... I curled in a ball and started to cry because I knew what it was like to feel that empty and so numb, hurt... And the msg I got with it was, "That good enough for you? I have NEVER cut for anyone in my life. I have never loved someone as much as I loved you. Does this make you happy?!"
My friends dislike him for how he treats me and a few have even offered to come to town and take him out and talk to him and try to get him to REALIZE that if he LOVES me like he says he does, he will GO get help and show me that even though he'll always be and ADDICT, he will try to stay sober....
WHAT DO I DO?! I AM SO LOST AND CONFUSED!! Do I stay around and hope he pulls his head out of his butt or do I just forget and call him a lost cause and move on with my life?! I am only 24, going to be 25 soon.....
I grew up with my family, very close to my father's side. I was sheltered as much as my family could do. I was the baby of 13 cousins, but we were all close as siblings. I never knew much about drugs, they weren't my thing and I could really careless for them. I had my friends. When I was a teen I was diagnosed with depression and put on random meds, that was bad enough in my head. I became addicted to pain killers shortly after my mother died in 2004. They seemed to be the only things that could put me to sleep and numb that numb feeling I felt when I was awake.
In late 2009 I met a man. He's 10+ yrs older then me. We started to talk on the phone, texting, and emailing. A few days after my gma's funeral, he came and got me. We spent the first night talking and sharing things even more. We got close and I ended up moving to be in the same town as him. He had told me he was a recovering addict. I had never taken the time to get to know one. (Though I found out a few months back I have a few in my family!) But we were close, spending alot of time together. When the place I was staying at didn't work out, I started to stay at his place.. We were "seeing" eachother for 4 months when he asked me to be his girlfriend. By then I had realized he was changing slowly. I found out one day when I came home he was using. I had him meet me at a friend's place, due to I didn't feel comfy having the "talk" with him while at "his" place with his friends. I told him that he either stopped or he was going to lose his child and me. If he had any heart towards either of us, he'd see it was becoming SERIOUS. He stopped and was clean for 9 months... But we had a HUGE blow up in Oct.. He said that maybe I should leave. I grabbed some clothes and left, staying with a friend. I found out later that he had started again and was keeping it from me, the whole time he was putting me down and using things against me that he knew would bring out my depression... Then it got even worse when I allowed it to continue because I was so scared to lose him, his family, our LIFE.... I see now that I was scared of being alone. But things still went down the drain when he started to have his dealer over and became very "close" with her. Breaking my heart. (I am also a recovering cutter.) I began cutting myself to relieve the pain that I felt inside myself. He would walk in and just look at me, then walk away. One night he told me that the first time that he has to step in and do something about my cutting, then it will be an issue. Just as it was the same with his using. I started to cry again. I was 4.5 yrs clean of cutting. I had never allowed myself to get so low. When we finally ended it all... He had became this person that I feared and pittied at the same time. I didn't know if I wanted to hold him and tell him I am sorry that he's messed up... Or slam the door in his face. He kicked me out, knowing I had no where to go...
We are now both living in seperate places... He is depressed, still on, and his life seems to be falling apart.. And mine, mine is difficult. I work two jobs, live on my own, pay my own bills, go to the gym, and try to keep my head above the water with my depression. We still talk and spend time together from time to time. But it is getting so hard for me. I have friends that are telling me to forget him. That he is no good for me. I have been working REAL hard on building my confidence back up and be happy with who I am. He puts me down. He is the first in a long time that I have EVER opened up as much as I have. He is the first I have bonded with since my mother died. My family has even told him this, due to the fact that they know I am very distant with people. But I am in love with him. And I try to tell him no when I know he's having a hard time and doesn't have the money for things he needs. But I break and help him. I don't know what to do.. When Vday came up this year, I got the worse Vday gift in pictures. My ex had started to cut himself, do to the fact that I had started to make new friends that were males. And I had began to ignore him because I could not stand the constant put downs and the "You were my life... I loved you.... Why don't you love me?" All the time... One picture he had cut so deep that there was blood everywhere... I curled in a ball and started to cry because I knew what it was like to feel that empty and so numb, hurt... And the msg I got with it was, "That good enough for you? I have NEVER cut for anyone in my life. I have never loved someone as much as I loved you. Does this make you happy?!"
My friends dislike him for how he treats me and a few have even offered to come to town and take him out and talk to him and try to get him to REALIZE that if he LOVES me like he says he does, he will GO get help and show me that even though he'll always be and ADDICT, he will try to stay sober....
WHAT DO I DO?! I AM SO LOST AND CONFUSED!! Do I stay around and hope he pulls his head out of his butt or do I just forget and call him a lost cause and move on with my life?! I am only 24, going to be 25 soon.....
Last edited by TwistedJinxer; 06-15-2011 at 03:01 AM. Reason: misspelling... I have OCD
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
He is abusing and manipulating you. He is a very sick man, one who you cannot help.
You have your whole life ahead of you, you deserve so much more.
If it were me, I'd go no contact, this relationship is a dead end street, and very toxic at best.
If you are not doing so, I'd recommend that you attend Alanon meetings. Keep posting and reading other posts, lots of great support here.
Take care of you,
He is abusing and manipulating you. He is a very sick man, one who you cannot help.
You have your whole life ahead of you, you deserve so much more.
If it were me, I'd go no contact, this relationship is a dead end street, and very toxic at best.
If you are not doing so, I'd recommend that you attend Alanon meetings. Keep posting and reading other posts, lots of great support here.
Take care of you,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
What are you doing for yourself? You said you were addicted too, but did you find recovery, and how? Do you attend NA or AA? Are you receiving medical help for your depression/cutting? Therapy?
Work the recovery program you wish he would.
Work the recovery program you wish he would.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by TwistedJinxer 
I told him that he either stopped or he was going to lose his child and me.
Regardless, this is a very sick man. He's abusive and he's seriously manipulating you with this cutting business. This is not love.
There is nothing you can do to make him stay clean or relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Ned Wicker
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 8
I recommend you get help for yourself and begin attending Al-Anon meetings. You need to understand the disease of addiction and allow others who have been where you are to help. You may be able to help him turn his life around but only once you are in a different place your self.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 28
I have actually stopped cutting. I was clean for 5yrs before I relapsed myself. I have also been clean of pills since 2009. I haven't even touched them when I was having problems. Therapy and Counseling has never helped in the past. I have gone for many reasons, my depression, death of my grandfather, best friend, and mother. And the suicide of my mother's best friend, who was like my aunt. I found other things to cope with my depression... Hanging out with friends, talking with friends, spending time with my nieces and nephews, going to the gym, or for long walks or bike rides. I have learned to better myself.
As for my ex, after Wed. and our BIG fight.. Well HIS big fight with me, I have not contacted him and told him that telling me it is over, he is done with me, will NOT keep me around. It will only cause me to leave faster.
As for my ex, after Wed. and our BIG fight.. Well HIS big fight with me, I have not contacted him and told him that telling me it is over, he is done with me, will NOT keep me around. It will only cause me to leave faster.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by outtolunch
You two have a child together or is this someone else's child?
Regardless, this is a very sick man. He's abusive and he's seriously manipulating you with this cutting business. This is not love.
There is nothing you can do to make him stay clean or relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Regardless, this is a very sick man. He's abusive and he's seriously manipulating you with this cutting business. This is not love.
There is nothing you can do to make him stay clean or relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by TwistedJinxer
My friends dislike him for how he treats me and a few have even offered to come to town and take him out and talk to him and try to get him to REALIZE that if he LOVES me like he says he does, he will GO get help and show me that even though he'll always be and ADDICT, he will try to stay sober....WHAT DO I DO?! I AM SO
Right now, the drugs control this guy and he's all about manipulating you.
Have you considered your own boundaries? What's acceptable to you? A boundary is not the same thing as trying to control another person. A boundary let's go of the outcome. Either you are willing to remain engaged in a relationship with an active addict or not. He is free to do as he wants.
His addiction is not about you. You cannot save him from his own demons. Only he can do this, when he wants sobriety more than anything else and is willing to do the hard work. Rehab/treatment does not cure addiction. At best, it teaches a highly motivated addict some of the tools of recovery.
Those pictures are tremendeous evidence of his own sickness and intention to control you and your emotions for his benefit. It's all about him. He's trying to hook you in to his spiral.
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are so young and have your own issues to overcome. You should focus on yourself and your needs.
As far as those pictures go, I am almost at a loss for words, just when you think someone can not be any sicker, there someone goes and surprises you.
I hope you find the strength to move on and continue not talking to him or spending any time with him.
You said that you do not go to therapy for your cutting issues. I wonder if there is a website like this one out there for anyone who suffers/recovering from this? That might be something to look into...
Take care of you.
As far as those pictures go, I am almost at a loss for words, just when you think someone can not be any sicker, there someone goes and surprises you.
I hope you find the strength to move on and continue not talking to him or spending any time with him.
You said that you do not go to therapy for your cutting issues. I wonder if there is a website like this one out there for anyone who suffers/recovering from this? That might be something to look into...
Take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 1
he should take longer time to recover before start dating.also when addict starts using again he becomes kind of insane.he might love you a lot,but right now he don't love or care for his own self.I m with my bf for over 6 years.I'm alcoholic and he is not addicted to anything..I m binge drinker and had many relapses"bad ones"..But I show him that i do care and I'm trying to get better,I show humility ,listen to other people.The bad thing is when user don't have humility .Anger is the biggest enemy of addict.If he still using,not getting any treatment(help) you better keep distance.Good luck with everything.
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Originally Posted by europagrl
he should take longer time to recover before start dating.also when addict starts using again he becomes kind of insane.he might love you a lot,but right now he don't love or care for his own self.I m with my bf for over 6 years.I'm alcoholic and he is not addicted to anything..I m binge drinker and had many relapses"bad ones"..But I show him that i do care and I'm trying to get better,I show humility ,listen to other people.The bad thing is when user don't have humility .Anger is the biggest enemy of addict.If he still using,not getting any treatment(help) you better keep distance.Good luck with everything.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by europagrl
he should take longer time to recover before start dating.also when addict starts using again he becomes kind of insane.he might love you a lot,but right now he don't love or care for his own self.I m with my bf for over 6 years.I'm alcoholic and he is not addicted to anything..I m binge drinker and had many relapses"bad ones"..But I show him that i do care and I'm trying to get better,I show humility ,listen to other people.The bad thing is when user don't have humility .Anger is the biggest enemy of addict.If he still using,not getting any treatment(help) you better keep distance.Good luck with everything.
Originally Posted by MissTara
I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are so young and have your own issues to overcome. You should focus on yourself and your needs.
As far as those pictures go, I am almost at a loss for words, just when you think someone can not be any sicker, there someone goes and surprises you.
I hope you find the strength to move on and continue not talking to him or spending any time with him.
You said that you do not go to therapy for your cutting issues. I wonder if there is a website like this one out there for anyone who suffers/recovering from this? That might be something to look into...
Take care of you.
As far as those pictures go, I am almost at a loss for words, just when you think someone can not be any sicker, there someone goes and surprises you.
I hope you find the strength to move on and continue not talking to him or spending any time with him.
You said that you do not go to therapy for your cutting issues. I wonder if there is a website like this one out there for anyone who suffers/recovering from this? That might be something to look into...
Take care of you.
My ex actually contacted me the other day and went off about me having a new bf (which he has heard about through friends and is not true.) And filled up my text inbox. I actually texted him back and asked him how he could be so cruel. I got no reply and was just fine with that. He says I play head games I just ignore him now. He has hurt me enough in the last two months that I have now begun to spread myself thin with things to do, people to be around, and time of NO phone. He continues to harp on me with any choice I make. And I am tired of being brought down. I have actually been working real hard to lose weight, get a confidence. He actually had the nerve to put me down for buying a summer dress!! He has also been complaining to me about my money spending. Due to the ability to NOW afford things for myself and still be able to pay my bills. I spend more time away from him and I see that I am a strong, beautiful, amazing young woman. And I have stood by him long enough, I can't be the fall out when he's down. He wants to find someone else for that, I guess that is their problem. ((Rude I know, and I am sorry. But the man put me down, accused me, left me with his friends that would not keep their hands to themselves, would touch me and tell me he didn't have to know, and told me it was my fault for 96% of the stuff that was going wrong... I just can't be a fallout person no more.))
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Originally Posted by larrylive
Well that paints a different picture.
I am at a loss. I am sorry.
Larry
I am at a loss. I am sorry.
Larry
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
What else is going on in your life besides this guy? Are you in school? Do you have dreams or goals?
Sounds like lots of your energy is being poured into so much drama from a very emotionally abusive guy. It isn't even about his drug use. This relationship seems to be sucking so much life from someone so young!
I hope you see yourself through this and know that you deserve so much better. Life is just getting started for you.
Sounds like lots of your energy is being poured into so much drama from a very emotionally abusive guy. It isn't even about his drug use. This relationship seems to be sucking so much life from someone so young!
I hope you see yourself through this and know that you deserve so much better. Life is just getting started for you.
Member
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Oregon
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Babyblue
What else is going on in your life besides this guy? Are you in school? Do you have dreams or goals?
Sounds like lots of your energy is being poured into so much drama from a very emotionally abusive guy. It isn't even about his drug use. This relationship seems to be sucking so much life from someone so young!
I hope you see yourself through this and know that you deserve so much better. Life is just getting started for you.
Sounds like lots of your energy is being poured into so much drama from a very emotionally abusive guy. It isn't even about his drug use. This relationship seems to be sucking so much life from someone so young!
I hope you see yourself through this and know that you deserve so much better. Life is just getting started for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
For me, staying busy gives me the space and distance I need to see things a bit clearer. When we are "in" it and very emotional about stuff we tend to put up with things we normally wouldn't.
Being in a loving relationship means you are not the fallout person. Partner's are supposed to support us, not to constantly make life more difficult. I only say this because it is often a tough road to see things as they really are but you will get there.
Meanwhile, stay busy
Being in a loving relationship means you are not the fallout person. Partner's are supposed to support us, not to constantly make life more difficult. I only say this because it is often a tough road to see things as they really are but you will get there.
Meanwhile, stay busy
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Location: Oregon
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Originally Posted by larrylive
just checking in/ catching up. i have poor/limited signal. will go check the outer post
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Well just a lil update on this chick in love with an addict... I will be 25 in about 2wks... And I have become distant with my ex. He has been DTing, so he says, for the last 2weeks. But I have become very distant because he always tells me that and he's lying. He has also been hanging out with people that I KNOW don't care for him or his well being or anything in life but their next high... And as I have been seeing and hearing, I deserve BETTER then that. I deserve ALOT. I have been hanging out back in my hometown and with some old friends and well NEW ones... And they all tell me that I am amazing and he has NO idea what he has lost. And it's nice. I have actually been asked out to go on dates with some old friends and some new ones... Guys that are very caring and protective. It's been really nice to be able to move on in my life. My ex does contact me from time to time. To try and start fights and tell me what a bad person I am for wanting to go out and be out. He tells me people tell him what I am doing. And all I ever say is, "Well what are they saying? Wait... Honestly, I don't care. If they have NOTHING better to do then to talk about me or come up with rumors or repeat what they have HEARD about me... Then I guess that is their loss. They just wasted some of their life on someone who can care less for them." He actually does get upset with me when I speak very ill of his friends like that. But I am not going to let a bunch of dope heads think that I give two cents about what they think. I am better then that and have other problems that are REAL then what they have to say about me. So I guess pretty much that I am becoming MORE of my own self again. I have been free of cutting since Feb of 2011. And I am very proud of myself. As are people from my past. I have also picked up writing poetry and drawing again. I am right now working on my first painting since my freshman year in high school... It's nice to be getting back into my old/new ways. I guess I am starting NEW adventures in my life... And I am excited!!
I want to thank everyone who has talked to me and given me advice and helped me to see that I am young and still have ALOT of living to do myself!!
LOVES TO ALL!!
I want to thank everyone who has talked to me and given me advice and helped me to see that I am young and still have ALOT of living to do myself!!
LOVES TO ALL!!
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