New today: intro and question on blaming
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: INDIANA
Posts: 39
New today: intro and question on blaming
My name is Amanda. I am from Indiana and I am 33 years old. I have been attending Al-anon off and on for 2.5 years. For the past month I have been attending regularly, about 3 times a week. I am going to continue because I realize how sick I have become. I need help and I know it. I am going to get a sponsor and I am going to start the fourth step.
My Al-anon qualifier is my husband. He is 55 y old and has been an alcoholic for a very long time. We have been married 10 years and his disease has significantly progressed in that time. He has been to treatment 4 times in 10 years. He has now been sober again for about 5 weeks. He is 4 weeks out of impatient treatment. He is attending meetings, has a sponsor and he is doing outpatient treatment.
Before entering inpatient treatment he retired from his job of 20 years as a police officer. He had to retire or he would have been fired for missing too much work after many warnings and second chances. If he would have been fired he would have lost his pension. A week and a half ago his old boss called and offered him a job being in charge of the jail. It kind of surprised me because his boss is over his crap. But my husband is a really good worker. He has a ton of experience and a lot to offer is he can stay sober and get to work. He never broke any laws and he never went to work drunk. At first my husband was very excited about the job. Then he started to feel maybe it was going to be too much because of all the problems that there are within the jail. During this time I told my husband I would support him in whatever he decided, that it was his decision. He started talking about other jobs he may want to try. I again told him that it was his choice, but I didn’t care for the over the road truck driver idea. Then employees from the jail started calling him telling him how excited they were that he was going to take over. So he decided he would try it. My response was, “ok, try it. What do you have to lose. You can always resign if it doesn’t work out” So he took the job.
For the last three days he is seething with anger or fear or some other very strong emotion. He keeps blaming me for him taking the job. He says “you and everyone else talked me into this job I didn’t want” and he says that I want him as a jailor because I married a police officer and that is what I expect. The first time he said this, I told him that was untrue. I stated again that I support him in whatever he wants to do. I also said that he was free to choose to resign if he did not want to work there. Then he started telling me that wasn’t true and I ended the conversation because I was not about to argue about it. The last two days I have just kept quite when he brings it up, because I am not sure how to respond.
I do not wish to take the blame for something that I did not do. I cannot read his mind, but I feel I am being “set up” to take the blame in his mind if the job doesn’t work out. Or be an excuse in his head if he tries to drink again “if my wife wouldn’t have made me take that job I didn’t want, I wouldn’t have started drinking again.
If I hated my job, I’d quit. I wouldn’t blame it on anyone else?
What experience can you share about unfair blame and how to respond to it?
My Al-anon qualifier is my husband. He is 55 y old and has been an alcoholic for a very long time. We have been married 10 years and his disease has significantly progressed in that time. He has been to treatment 4 times in 10 years. He has now been sober again for about 5 weeks. He is 4 weeks out of impatient treatment. He is attending meetings, has a sponsor and he is doing outpatient treatment.
Before entering inpatient treatment he retired from his job of 20 years as a police officer. He had to retire or he would have been fired for missing too much work after many warnings and second chances. If he would have been fired he would have lost his pension. A week and a half ago his old boss called and offered him a job being in charge of the jail. It kind of surprised me because his boss is over his crap. But my husband is a really good worker. He has a ton of experience and a lot to offer is he can stay sober and get to work. He never broke any laws and he never went to work drunk. At first my husband was very excited about the job. Then he started to feel maybe it was going to be too much because of all the problems that there are within the jail. During this time I told my husband I would support him in whatever he decided, that it was his decision. He started talking about other jobs he may want to try. I again told him that it was his choice, but I didn’t care for the over the road truck driver idea. Then employees from the jail started calling him telling him how excited they were that he was going to take over. So he decided he would try it. My response was, “ok, try it. What do you have to lose. You can always resign if it doesn’t work out” So he took the job.
For the last three days he is seething with anger or fear or some other very strong emotion. He keeps blaming me for him taking the job. He says “you and everyone else talked me into this job I didn’t want” and he says that I want him as a jailor because I married a police officer and that is what I expect. The first time he said this, I told him that was untrue. I stated again that I support him in whatever he wants to do. I also said that he was free to choose to resign if he did not want to work there. Then he started telling me that wasn’t true and I ended the conversation because I was not about to argue about it. The last two days I have just kept quite when he brings it up, because I am not sure how to respond.
I do not wish to take the blame for something that I did not do. I cannot read his mind, but I feel I am being “set up” to take the blame in his mind if the job doesn’t work out. Or be an excuse in his head if he tries to drink again “if my wife wouldn’t have made me take that job I didn’t want, I wouldn’t have started drinking again.
If I hated my job, I’d quit. I wouldn’t blame it on anyone else?
What experience can you share about unfair blame and how to respond to it?
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,360
Hello Amanda, and welcome to Sober Recovery. I know there is a lot of information for you here, that will help you.
I have read many posts in our Friends and Family of Alcoholics board here, made by people whose A spouses are blaming them for things for which they are not responsible, up to and including, starting to drink again. It is part of the disease.
Not every A does it, just like with any disease, not every person will show every aspect of the disease, but enough A's do the blame game for it to qualify as being part of alcoholism.
And from what I understand to this point, the best thing to do is disengage. Others who have been working Al Anon longer than I have, may have other things to add or ways to handle it when the A starts to blame.
Check out the stickies on top of the board - there is a plethora of great information there. People post links too, and I've gotten more than one "a-ha" of enlightenment from following those links.
Thank you for your sharing.
I have read many posts in our Friends and Family of Alcoholics board here, made by people whose A spouses are blaming them for things for which they are not responsible, up to and including, starting to drink again. It is part of the disease.
Not every A does it, just like with any disease, not every person will show every aspect of the disease, but enough A's do the blame game for it to qualify as being part of alcoholism.
And from what I understand to this point, the best thing to do is disengage. Others who have been working Al Anon longer than I have, may have other things to add or ways to handle it when the A starts to blame.
Check out the stickies on top of the board - there is a plethora of great information there. People post links too, and I've gotten more than one "a-ha" of enlightenment from following those links.
Thank you for your sharing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Hi Amanda and welcome to SR...
The alcoholic in my life is my ex husband (exah). I'm glad you're going to al anon meetings. And I'm glad you found SR too. This place has been a true godsend in my life.
It definitely sounds like your husband is setting himself up for failure. When/if he relapses, he'll have a built-in excuse to do it - you and his job. Classic alcoholic tactic, I think.
Its very hard to seperate ourselves from their drama when we're living under the same roof with them. Its probably very tempting to try and reason with him about why he's angry and why he should leave his job if he doesn't like it, you probably already know that whatever you say will likely fall on deaf ears. He's going to do whatever he wants anyway.
Try to keep the focus on YOU. Keep going to meetings. Read as much as you can around here - the stickies are really helpful - and so are other people's posts. I think you'll see alot of what you're going thru mirrored thru other people's experiences here.
Again, I"m glad you're here!!
Mary
The alcoholic in my life is my ex husband (exah). I'm glad you're going to al anon meetings. And I'm glad you found SR too. This place has been a true godsend in my life.
It definitely sounds like your husband is setting himself up for failure. When/if he relapses, he'll have a built-in excuse to do it - you and his job. Classic alcoholic tactic, I think.
Its very hard to seperate ourselves from their drama when we're living under the same roof with them. Its probably very tempting to try and reason with him about why he's angry and why he should leave his job if he doesn't like it, you probably already know that whatever you say will likely fall on deaf ears. He's going to do whatever he wants anyway.
Try to keep the focus on YOU. Keep going to meetings. Read as much as you can around here - the stickies are really helpful - and so are other people's posts. I think you'll see alot of what you're going thru mirrored thru other people's experiences here.
Again, I"m glad you're here!!
Mary
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
Sounds like he is setting the stage to have an excuse to drink. This is very common tactic that "A's" use.
You cannot reason with an unreasonable person, and, I have never met an alcoholic that was not unreasonable.
Keep working on you, keep reading and posting here, and don't drop those meetings.
We are here for you!
Sounds like he is setting the stage to have an excuse to drink. This is very common tactic that "A's" use.
You cannot reason with an unreasonable person, and, I have never met an alcoholic that was not unreasonable.
Keep working on you, keep reading and posting here, and don't drop those meetings.
We are here for you!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You only "expected" him to take the job because, in his MIND, you did. When he was deciding whether to take the job, some part of his thought process was probably that he would be letting everyone down if he didn't take it. He discounted what you said about its being his decision, and now he is blaming the "you" that lives in his head.
Assuming that he really IS trying to recover, he's probably scared of failure--either afraid of relapsing or afraid he won't be able to handle the job, or both.
I think if I were you, I'd just tell him that his sobriety is more important to you than what he does for a living, and suggest that he talk over his dilemma with his sponsor. That said, let him figure it out.
Assuming that he really IS trying to recover, he's probably scared of failure--either afraid of relapsing or afraid he won't be able to handle the job, or both.
I think if I were you, I'd just tell him that his sobriety is more important to you than what he does for a living, and suggest that he talk over his dilemma with his sponsor. That said, let him figure it out.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
You only "expected" him to take the job because, in his MIND, you did. When he was deciding whether to take the job, some part of his thought process was probably that he would be letting everyone down if he didn't take it. He discounted what you said about its being his decision, and now he is blaming the "you" that lives in his head.
Assuming that he really IS trying to recover, he's probably scared of failure--either afraid of relapsing or afraid he won't be able to handle the job, or both.
Assuming that he really IS trying to recover, he's probably scared of failure--either afraid of relapsing or afraid he won't be able to handle the job, or both.
This whole situation, Amanda, is about him... and not you. It's not your garbage - don't let it be. I like what LexieCat said about you reminding him that your top want is his sobriety, not the kind of job he has. Say it and let it go. He's going to think and feel whatever he wants - and you have NO control over it.
Just keep on working on you.
P.S. Welcome to SR!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Originally Posted by AMANDA911
If I hated my job, I’d quit. I wouldn’t blame it on anyone else?
I learned about this idea in Alanon, dealing with my codependancy. When other people ask me what they should do, its best to keep my mouth shut. Others have to make their own decisions, so only they can be held responsible for the consequences. I used to tell everyone what to do (not just the A, but literally everyone.. sometimes I still do, but i'm getting better...progress not perfection). I think it is absolutely great how you handled it. Letting someone make up their own mind is a great gift to give someone.
But since alcoholics rarely ever take the blame for anything, you are the easiest target. Trying to remind him of your stance before, and remind him it was his decision, won't get through. He is absolutely convinced for whatever reason (marrying a cop thing, whatever) that you had something to do with him taking that job. Maybe in his head he thought that taking the job would make you proud of him, and that somehow morphed into taking it "for or because of you". Who knows how their brains work, how they justify things. I sure as hell don't. And trying to figure it out is not a job I want to punch in for.
You're side of the street is clean, and that's all that matters. Keep working on your recovery, and let him get back to his. Sending you strength and hugs!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Hi Amanda -- I'm also from Indiana *waves*. Keep surfing around these boards and reading the stickies at the top. You will find a lot of wisdom here.
I went through this with my RAH earlier this year. His resentment was a sign that his new, tentative abstinence from alcohol wasn't working for him and that he needed an excuse to drink. He did relapse, blamed his job (which did suck, but adults don't quit jobs without a safety net), then quit his job even though I'm pregnant and don't earn enough to support the family on my own. He's still out of work, but is finally committed to AA and is diligently looking for work. He did relapse and it was an epic backslide into his addiction. I'm still with him because I don't know why. The guy I married is still knocking around in there somewhere and I'm naively hoping he will get his **** together.
So to live with it, I set firm boundaries that protected my income and required him to make progress on both his recovery and employment fronts in order to keep living in our home. I also have a plan drafted now to go No Contact in case I feel he has relapsed (he has relapsed twice in the last year and I won't go through it again), and while I'm not happy about it, am prepared to ask him to leave if that line is crossed another time.
But the whole time, the message was this: He has control over whether or not he accepted the new job he didn't love. He has control over whether he kept this job or found a new one. And as with your husband, he has not heard your message that you will support him in whatever he wants to do, which is not your bag to carry. Right now your husband is standing in the middle of the interstate, selfishly risking life and limb while refusing to get out of the way of oncoming traffic. You're standing on the shoulder of the road trying to decide whether to rescue him or not. On this board we typically think that it's a bad idea to drag you and your family in front of a speeding semi to save someone who doesn't want to save himself. He can dodge all that traffic and saunter off that road if he wants to.
My husband is playing Frogger, trying to figure out how to get out of oncoming traffic, finding a sponsor, finding the good meetings in our area, trying to figure out how to manage cravings, and trying to figure out how to find a job when he hasn't looked for one since pre-internet days. I feel for him, and I would love nothing more than for him to figure all this out, but I'm done making excuses for him and I'm keeping my side of the road clean. Our marriage *is* conditional, it's one day at a time for me, and there's no way in hell you could convince me to wander out in that road with him again.
I went through this with my RAH earlier this year. His resentment was a sign that his new, tentative abstinence from alcohol wasn't working for him and that he needed an excuse to drink. He did relapse, blamed his job (which did suck, but adults don't quit jobs without a safety net), then quit his job even though I'm pregnant and don't earn enough to support the family on my own. He's still out of work, but is finally committed to AA and is diligently looking for work. He did relapse and it was an epic backslide into his addiction. I'm still with him because I don't know why. The guy I married is still knocking around in there somewhere and I'm naively hoping he will get his **** together.
So to live with it, I set firm boundaries that protected my income and required him to make progress on both his recovery and employment fronts in order to keep living in our home. I also have a plan drafted now to go No Contact in case I feel he has relapsed (he has relapsed twice in the last year and I won't go through it again), and while I'm not happy about it, am prepared to ask him to leave if that line is crossed another time.
But the whole time, the message was this: He has control over whether or not he accepted the new job he didn't love. He has control over whether he kept this job or found a new one. And as with your husband, he has not heard your message that you will support him in whatever he wants to do, which is not your bag to carry. Right now your husband is standing in the middle of the interstate, selfishly risking life and limb while refusing to get out of the way of oncoming traffic. You're standing on the shoulder of the road trying to decide whether to rescue him or not. On this board we typically think that it's a bad idea to drag you and your family in front of a speeding semi to save someone who doesn't want to save himself. He can dodge all that traffic and saunter off that road if he wants to.
My husband is playing Frogger, trying to figure out how to get out of oncoming traffic, finding a sponsor, finding the good meetings in our area, trying to figure out how to manage cravings, and trying to figure out how to find a job when he hasn't looked for one since pre-internet days. I feel for him, and I would love nothing more than for him to figure all this out, but I'm done making excuses for him and I'm keeping my side of the road clean. Our marriage *is* conditional, it's one day at a time for me, and there's no way in hell you could convince me to wander out in that road with him again.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Florence
His resentment was a sign that his new, tentative abstinence from alcohol wasn't working for him and that he needed an excuse to drink.
I am from Indiana too (Wave)(currently in FL tho)..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Great thread with lots of great wisdom. I needed to hear most of it myself. The last discussion I had with my "R"AH turned into a "my job stresses me out and now you are stressing me out" (because I was now handling the finances in the house... harder to hide his addiction from me). He spun into a rage pretty darn quickly and wanted to blame someone or something because his world was changing (me) and he does not like it one bit. As calmly as I could I told him that it was too bad he found it stressful for me to handle the checkbook and that he could throw a fit if he wanted to but it wasn't going to change a thing. He has complained about his job for over 3 years now... I pointed out that if it was so stressful then why was he not searching for a new one? Funny he has been on line looking since then and even applied to one. The last thing I said to him on the topic (a few DAYS later) was I was done having discussions with him. I refuse to sit and be his verbal punching bag again. When he is fully emerssed in recovery he will be talking in a more mature manner (I've seen it before) and that is when our discussions will continue.
Florence: I really liked the frogger analogy...fits my husband to a T. He has been playing off and on for about 8 years now. Fingers crossed he gets to the other side of the road safety this time. I am done dragging myself into the middle of his game. At this point I am just watching but soon that will end too.
Florence: I really liked the frogger analogy...fits my husband to a T. He has been playing off and on for about 8 years now. Fingers crossed he gets to the other side of the road safety this time. I am done dragging myself into the middle of his game. At this point I am just watching but soon that will end too.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome Amanda. I have no experience to offer on this as my experiences are very different. What I can offer is that I have found that focusing on MY recovery is how I hold myself together.
Your AH will either get it or he won't and there is nothing you can do about it. Remind yourself of the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. So do what is best for you. What worked best for me was leaving.
I do know that this is a horrible position to be in and you have my prayers, support and
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
Interesting post and welcome, Amanda!
I think that for many RA blame shifting has been such a big part of their life for many years and as we all know, it's really hard to just change an ingrained behavior pattern from one day to the next. I do know how frustrating it can be to get blamed for something that is not your fault.
Last night my RAH and I had a conversation about blame shifting. In his case, I feel like he is not taking responsibility for some of the things he did when he was drinking and blaming others instead for the consequences that were a result of his drinking. So I tried to understand things from his point of view, because I couldn't figure out if his blame was due to blackouts (i.e. alcohol warped the memory he had of the situation) or denial to protect himself or just a defense mechanism because he felt attacked. (BTW, I know it's his obligation to deal with his feelings but we are working on our communication problems, so I figured trying to understand was important at this point in time). One thing he said was "I don't like to revisit some of the things I've done, because I feel bad enough about what I do remember". So I left it at that - I guess he is just not yet ready to face some of the things and hope that in time he will be able to. He didn't change his opinion on the issue btw (still not taking full responsibility and rather seeing blame elsewhere)
I know my example is different than yours, but what I think is important is that it is not our job to convince them that their "opinion" is not correct. It would drive us crazy if we tried, because we would probably not be very successful. What we can do is state our feelings (without having to convince them of it, but just to let them know how we see it) and to not take on the blame internally!
I feel like my RAH oftentimes thinks he is stuck in a situation for whatever reason. An example: He also hates his job (though he doesn't blame me for having it) yet doesn't do anything about it (doesn't look for a new one, doesn't send out resume's, nothing). I think learned helplessness or not feeling in control over their life ("life just happens, rather than I can make life happen" kinda attitude) may also play a role (?). But again, it is not my place to make him change his job. It oftentimes sucks to see someone you love being stuck like that, but you they are old enough to make their own decisions. I did tell him how I felt about it - that I love him and feel like he is not happy with his life and wish he would find a job that makes him happy and would support him (and I did give him a few ideas of what I think he would be good at and asked for feedback - which may be considered stepping onto his side of the road). But then I let it go. If he's ready to seek out a new job he will, if not he won't. But I'm not going to drive myself crazy looking through the classifieds for a new job for him and making him sit down to apply for something.
Sorry, just kinda rambling on. Haven't been here in a while and felt like getting some of this stuff out. Hopefully some of this will make sense to you, Amanda!
Just know, you are not alone in this! Good luck and continue to focus on yourself, go to AlAnon or do whatever else you need to do to take care of YOU!
I think that for many RA blame shifting has been such a big part of their life for many years and as we all know, it's really hard to just change an ingrained behavior pattern from one day to the next. I do know how frustrating it can be to get blamed for something that is not your fault.
Last night my RAH and I had a conversation about blame shifting. In his case, I feel like he is not taking responsibility for some of the things he did when he was drinking and blaming others instead for the consequences that were a result of his drinking. So I tried to understand things from his point of view, because I couldn't figure out if his blame was due to blackouts (i.e. alcohol warped the memory he had of the situation) or denial to protect himself or just a defense mechanism because he felt attacked. (BTW, I know it's his obligation to deal with his feelings but we are working on our communication problems, so I figured trying to understand was important at this point in time). One thing he said was "I don't like to revisit some of the things I've done, because I feel bad enough about what I do remember". So I left it at that - I guess he is just not yet ready to face some of the things and hope that in time he will be able to. He didn't change his opinion on the issue btw (still not taking full responsibility and rather seeing blame elsewhere)
I know my example is different than yours, but what I think is important is that it is not our job to convince them that their "opinion" is not correct. It would drive us crazy if we tried, because we would probably not be very successful. What we can do is state our feelings (without having to convince them of it, but just to let them know how we see it) and to not take on the blame internally!
I feel like my RAH oftentimes thinks he is stuck in a situation for whatever reason. An example: He also hates his job (though he doesn't blame me for having it) yet doesn't do anything about it (doesn't look for a new one, doesn't send out resume's, nothing). I think learned helplessness or not feeling in control over their life ("life just happens, rather than I can make life happen" kinda attitude) may also play a role (?). But again, it is not my place to make him change his job. It oftentimes sucks to see someone you love being stuck like that, but you they are old enough to make their own decisions. I did tell him how I felt about it - that I love him and feel like he is not happy with his life and wish he would find a job that makes him happy and would support him (and I did give him a few ideas of what I think he would be good at and asked for feedback - which may be considered stepping onto his side of the road). But then I let it go. If he's ready to seek out a new job he will, if not he won't. But I'm not going to drive myself crazy looking through the classifieds for a new job for him and making him sit down to apply for something.
Sorry, just kinda rambling on. Haven't been here in a while and felt like getting some of this stuff out. Hopefully some of this will make sense to you, Amanda!
Just know, you are not alone in this! Good luck and continue to focus on yourself, go to AlAnon or do whatever else you need to do to take care of YOU!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
The amazing thing about this board is how familiar all of this sounds. Even though the details vary greatly, certain characteristics of alcoholic behavior seem almost universal.
My AW refuses to accept responsibility for her drinking, and won't even admit that it's a problem. When my daughter confronted her about it (again), she got defensive and said we were trying to control her. Then, she promised to quit (again) if it would make us happy.
Well, it lasted about three weeks, and she fell off the wagon (again). She blames everyone but herself; I don't love her enough... our daughter doesn't respect her... she's lonely.
I keep telling myself that the disease has done this to her, but it's still quite maddening.
My AW refuses to accept responsibility for her drinking, and won't even admit that it's a problem. When my daughter confronted her about it (again), she got defensive and said we were trying to control her. Then, she promised to quit (again) if it would make us happy.
Well, it lasted about three weeks, and she fell off the wagon (again). She blames everyone but herself; I don't love her enough... our daughter doesn't respect her... she's lonely.
I keep telling myself that the disease has done this to her, but it's still quite maddening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: By a River
Posts: 83
Welcome, Amanda. I also am new here...you will find a lot of wisdom from the people here!
The Blame Game...isn't that one of the things that alcoholics do best? Point their fingers and look "outside" rather than "inside." Nothing is their fault...they're always the victims. They avoid working through problems and obtaining resolutions to any conflicts. They look for reasons to NOT have to be accountable.
Being a cop puts a whole other spin on the mess of an alcoholic's life...but that's a whole 'nother story. My AH was also a cop for 25 years. I would venture to bet that he tends to see things in black and white...no gray. When things happen that he doesn't like, his "fight or flight" response kicks in. This makes him all the more sure of his own warped-alcoholic reasoning and unable to see alternative viewpoints and explanations.
A strong and emotionally balanced adult has the ability to look within and analyze their role in any given situation or issue. But as an alcoholic, he has lost his balance, and it's not your responsibility to find it for him.
You cannot make sense out of something which is senseless. Detach, detach, detach.
The Blame Game...isn't that one of the things that alcoholics do best? Point their fingers and look "outside" rather than "inside." Nothing is their fault...they're always the victims. They avoid working through problems and obtaining resolutions to any conflicts. They look for reasons to NOT have to be accountable.
Being a cop puts a whole other spin on the mess of an alcoholic's life...but that's a whole 'nother story. My AH was also a cop for 25 years. I would venture to bet that he tends to see things in black and white...no gray. When things happen that he doesn't like, his "fight or flight" response kicks in. This makes him all the more sure of his own warped-alcoholic reasoning and unable to see alternative viewpoints and explanations.
A strong and emotionally balanced adult has the ability to look within and analyze their role in any given situation or issue. But as an alcoholic, he has lost his balance, and it's not your responsibility to find it for him.
You cannot make sense out of something which is senseless. Detach, detach, detach.
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