friend in treatment - what happens afterwards?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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friend in treatment - what happens afterwards?
Hello. I have searched for this info online but everything I find seems to be mainly written for spouses. But Google also led me to this forum, which seems like a warm and friendly haven, so I hope someone here can help me, because I am not a spouse, but a friend who is unsure of what to do when someone comes back from treatment.
My friend is also my coworker; we have worked together for a very, very long time and he recently had a crisis which led him to outpatient rehab. I have not spoken to him since the incident which caused him to go into treatment, and I have no idea how to talk to him or what to do or say when he returns. I know nothing about what happens during weeks of therapy or about recovery, and I am worried that he will be a different person when he comes out. I don’t know how to BE with him anymore. Are people in outpatient told not to communicate with anyone other than spouses? I left some messages of support for him but all I heard back was a brief note asking not to call or text. I want his recovery to succeed but I am worried that our friendship will be lost in the process. I know this sounds selfish, but I care about him very much. Can anyone here please give me some advice? Thank you.
My friend is also my coworker; we have worked together for a very, very long time and he recently had a crisis which led him to outpatient rehab. I have not spoken to him since the incident which caused him to go into treatment, and I have no idea how to talk to him or what to do or say when he returns. I know nothing about what happens during weeks of therapy or about recovery, and I am worried that he will be a different person when he comes out. I don’t know how to BE with him anymore. Are people in outpatient told not to communicate with anyone other than spouses? I left some messages of support for him but all I heard back was a brief note asking not to call or text. I want his recovery to succeed but I am worried that our friendship will be lost in the process. I know this sounds selfish, but I care about him very much. Can anyone here please give me some advice? Thank you.
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While in an inpatient recovery program, communication is sometimes strictly limited to family members and contact with any other friends are usually discouraged, especially if you were one that he 'partied' with. You have to understand that he is being asked to re-invent himself and it requires a lot of work. Sometimes contact with the 'outside world' can trigger responses that are damaging to the recovery work. Because there is so little time to do the work, it is imperative that they stay focused on the task at hand.
Don't be surprised if he is a 'different' person when he comes out. He is in for the struggle of his life and will have to do EVERYTHING differently now. If you care for him, you will follow his lead and do as he asks. If he keeps you at arms length, just know that it's NOT personal and is not a judgement against you. Be patient. Just keep telling him how proud you are of him and leave it at that.
Don't be surprised if he is a 'different' person when he comes out. He is in for the struggle of his life and will have to do EVERYTHING differently now. If you care for him, you will follow his lead and do as he asks. If he keeps you at arms length, just know that it's NOT personal and is not a judgement against you. Be patient. Just keep telling him how proud you are of him and leave it at that.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Agree with what tjp said. He's probably worried about what people are thinking and saying about him, which is only natural.
Don't be surprised if, especially at first, he seems either to not want to talk, or to talk about recovery stuff all the time. He will even out, but in the beginning it isn't unusual for people to be really FOCUSED on what they have to do to stay sober. Eventually there is less preoccupation with it, but it's important that they give that all their attention in the beginning.
If you partied with him, you might suggest some fun things to do that don't involve drinking. Ask him if he wants to hit a movie, go out and grab some lunch, go hiking or something. He won't expect everyone to change their own lives for him, but it is considerate, especially at first, not to drink in his company.
Your friendship may or may not survive his recovery. He will probably spend time socializing with people from AA (if that is what he chooses)--that's good, because most people have to re-learn how to have fun that doesn't involve drinking. But there's a good chance it WILL survive, if you are patient and understanding and accepting.
Tjp's suggestion that you let him take the lead is a good one. Let him know you support his recovery and that you admire him for doing what he needs to do for himself. That will be worth a lot to him.
Don't be surprised if, especially at first, he seems either to not want to talk, or to talk about recovery stuff all the time. He will even out, but in the beginning it isn't unusual for people to be really FOCUSED on what they have to do to stay sober. Eventually there is less preoccupation with it, but it's important that they give that all their attention in the beginning.
If you partied with him, you might suggest some fun things to do that don't involve drinking. Ask him if he wants to hit a movie, go out and grab some lunch, go hiking or something. He won't expect everyone to change their own lives for him, but it is considerate, especially at first, not to drink in his company.
Your friendship may or may not survive his recovery. He will probably spend time socializing with people from AA (if that is what he chooses)--that's good, because most people have to re-learn how to have fun that doesn't involve drinking. But there's a good chance it WILL survive, if you are patient and understanding and accepting.
Tjp's suggestion that you let him take the lead is a good one. Let him know you support his recovery and that you admire him for doing what he needs to do for himself. That will be worth a lot to him.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Originally Posted by tjp613 
While in an inpatient recovery program, communication is sometimes strictly limited to family members and contact with any other friends are usually discouraged, especially if you were one that he 'partied' with. You have to understand that he is being asked to re-invent himself and it requires a lot of work. Sometimes contact with the 'outside world' can trigger responses that are damaging to the recovery work. Because there is so little time to do the work, it is imperative that they stay focused on the task at hand.
Don't be surprised if he is a 'different' person when he comes out. He is in for the struggle of his life and will have to do EVERYTHING differently now. If you care for him, you will follow his lead and do as he asks. If he keeps you at arms length, just know that it's NOT personal and is not a judgement against you. Be patient. Just keep telling him how proud you are of him and leave it at that.
Don't be surprised if he is a 'different' person when he comes out. He is in for the struggle of his life and will have to do EVERYTHING differently now. If you care for him, you will follow his lead and do as he asks. If he keeps you at arms length, just know that it's NOT personal and is not a judgement against you. Be patient. Just keep telling him how proud you are of him and leave it at that.
Very good advice, indeed.
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same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
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Welcome to SR!
'Civil, but noncommittal' would be the thing.
Keep the chat to work related
maybe welcome him back and all
but go no further.
because technically - it's none of your business.
and kind of literally as well.
He's back at work
this needs to get caught up or whatever
the job at hand requires
and leave it there.
A work friendship
is not family
although you see a work friend
more than family
these days.
Leave the matter to his family.
'Civil, but noncommittal' would be the thing.
Keep the chat to work related
maybe welcome him back and all
but go no further.
because technically - it's none of your business.
and kind of literally as well.
He's back at work
this needs to get caught up or whatever
the job at hand requires
and leave it there.
A work friendship
is not family
although you see a work friend
more than family
these days.
Leave the matter to his family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 173
Thanks to all of you who kindly replied to my question, I very much appreciate it. I have felt in a bit of a void the last few weeks, so all of your responses have been incredibly helpful and I am grateful for the advice. My friend is more than just a coworker; we have worked together for 15 years at a very small company so we are a bit like family, in a way, and all of this has affected me more than I expected it would.
I think I understand now that any distance he may keep me at is not personal, so I will do my best to be patient and follow his lead as to what he would like from me. I am still not sure about what to say to him when I next see him again. "Welcome back, it's good to see you?" I think it is the uncertainty of what he will be like that I have been struggling with. Will he be more subdued, more no-nonsense?
I thank you all again for your comments. I think I will stick around here and read and learn.
I think I understand now that any distance he may keep me at is not personal, so I will do my best to be patient and follow his lead as to what he would like from me. I am still not sure about what to say to him when I next see him again. "Welcome back, it's good to see you?" I think it is the uncertainty of what he will be like that I have been struggling with. Will he be more subdued, more no-nonsense?
I thank you all again for your comments. I think I will stick around here and read and learn.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
"Welcome back, glad to see you" is perfectly appropriate. Telling someone that he looks great is also nice (assuming it's true, and it probably will be). Alcohol beats most of us up pretty good, and even a little time sober makes most people more bright-eyed and clear-skinned.
Not sure what you mean by "no-nonsense". If he was an outgoing kind of person before, he probably still will be. He might be a little cautious in the beginning just because he is feeling awkward, himself. Think about it. It's pretty scary to come back to work with everyone knowing where you've been and why. The more normal things feel, the sooner he will start to breathe easy.
Not sure what you mean by "no-nonsense". If he was an outgoing kind of person before, he probably still will be. He might be a little cautious in the beginning just because he is feeling awkward, himself. Think about it. It's pretty scary to come back to work with everyone knowing where you've been and why. The more normal things feel, the sooner he will start to breathe easy.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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newby1961 - not romantic, if that's what you mean. he's a dear friend.
LexieCat - Thanks again for your comments, all very helpful to me. I guess by "no-nonsense" I mean his sense of humor, which was always present no matter if he was drunk or sober. Since I know nothing about rehab (I have never known anyone else who has been in treatment), I imagine it to be hours and hours of therapy and talking, all so serious, so I am assuming that's very draining. I do expect him to be focused on work, of course, because a lot has gone on without him, but I am just hoping his sense of humor doesn't disappear.
LexieCat - Thanks again for your comments, all very helpful to me. I guess by "no-nonsense" I mean his sense of humor, which was always present no matter if he was drunk or sober. Since I know nothing about rehab (I have never known anyone else who has been in treatment), I imagine it to be hours and hours of therapy and talking, all so serious, so I am assuming that's very draining. I do expect him to be focused on work, of course, because a lot has gone on without him, but I am just hoping his sense of humor doesn't disappear.
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I will do that. Since I have never had a friend or family member go through this before, knowing a little more about what to expect helps me to understand, and that also helps to keep me from worrying.
Thanks again for the replies and advice!
Thanks again for the replies and advice!
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