Im still a fool for loving you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
Im still a fool for loving you
Well, Things are going pretty well. Were moving forward, were accomplishing a lot. But theres a detachment that I feel now, that i never felt before.
I feel so alone. I never could read him very well, but now im even more stumped then before. I always felt a solidness when it came to him loving me. I never questioned it, I just knew it. Even through the difficult times in our relationship, that is what glued me to him, was that feeling.
But now, I don't feel it anymore. I ask him a million times, are yu happy? Do you still love me? he never goes into great detail....(lol). But he tells me that he does and that he's happy.
But I know something is different, and its making me feel scared and alone.
I can't believe Im even writing this because things just couldn't be any better.
He's doing everything He can possibly do to make us happy.
So what is wrong with my brain
why am I so lonely? How do I fix it?
The answer that I am scared to tell myself is that it is too late.
The last time I left was the last time, We have done too much damage to our relationship and there is no turning back.
This time it's too late.
Thats what Im affraid of............
I feel so alone. I never could read him very well, but now im even more stumped then before. I always felt a solidness when it came to him loving me. I never questioned it, I just knew it. Even through the difficult times in our relationship, that is what glued me to him, was that feeling.
But now, I don't feel it anymore. I ask him a million times, are yu happy? Do you still love me? he never goes into great detail....(lol). But he tells me that he does and that he's happy.
But I know something is different, and its making me feel scared and alone.
I can't believe Im even writing this because things just couldn't be any better.
He's doing everything He can possibly do to make us happy.
So what is wrong with my brain
why am I so lonely? How do I fix it?
The answer that I am scared to tell myself is that it is too late.
The last time I left was the last time, We have done too much damage to our relationship and there is no turning back.
This time it's too late.
Thats what Im affraid of............
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
Originally Posted by Sally 
He's doing everything He can possibly do to make us happy.
You didn't say it but is your SO in recovery? If so, then he is probably focusing his energy on himself and what will gain eventual happiness for HIM. My question would be, what are you doing for YOURSELF to make YOU happy? It might be that if you focus on that, you'll fill that little space.
The quote in my signature is my reminder that *I* am responsible for my happiness and that if I can have a healthy relationship with ME, I can have a happy and fulfilling relationship with whomever I choose, in the way I choose.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
Thank you
0nce again, I am reminded about taking care of myself and my own needs.
I guess where I always get confused is the "I" part. Sure I can make myself happy to a certain exstent. Then, I stop and realize im doing it all alone.....thats when once again I realize Im alone.
I thought when you were married you had a partner, you were a couple, I thougt there was NO "I" in TEAM.
Why do we always have to pull away and go into a different direction as our A.
Why can't we work as a team?
After all that is what I want, That is what I've always feared is being alone.
I guess I've spent too many countless hours trying to figure out what he's thinking and what he wants and how I can reach him.
Then I just get angry and give up and end up right back to where I am right now.
I can ask, Will it ever end? the torment? the emptiness? the challange? The never ending climbing up hill? will I ever reach the peak?
I know the answer, I just have to look back at the years of my posting, and the answer lies there.........
NO, it never ends
I guess where I always get confused is the "I" part. Sure I can make myself happy to a certain exstent. Then, I stop and realize im doing it all alone.....thats when once again I realize Im alone.
I thought when you were married you had a partner, you were a couple, I thougt there was NO "I" in TEAM.
Why do we always have to pull away and go into a different direction as our A.
Why can't we work as a team?
After all that is what I want, That is what I've always feared is being alone.
I guess I've spent too many countless hours trying to figure out what he's thinking and what he wants and how I can reach him.
Then I just get angry and give up and end up right back to where I am right now.
I can ask, Will it ever end? the torment? the emptiness? the challange? The never ending climbing up hill? will I ever reach the peak?
I know the answer, I just have to look back at the years of my posting, and the answer lies there.........
NO, it never ends
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Sally, it took me many years, finding SR and moving out before i got enough clarity to realize that it doesn't matter how much you love them. They are lost in a world that you can't begin to understand and they will never leave until they are ready. There is no team with an alkie, there is no partnership with an alkie and there is no peace when you are involved with an alkie. All they can do is take. They have nothing to give.
Someone in another thread said alkies don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Sad state of affairs but that's how it is.
Your friend,
Someone in another thread said alkies don't have relationships, they take hostages.
Sad state of affairs but that's how it is.
Your friend,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
Am I happy? Well that is what im wrestling with. I am lonely, always, I get nothing from him, I am not getting my needs met.
I could be happy, but Im preoccupied by my deficet in ATTENTION,EMOTIONAL RESPONCE,INTIMACY AND JUST FRIENDLY CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO LOVING ADULTS.
With him, i get nothing, nothing at all.
so yeah......lol
if thats happiness, then I know NO different...
I like my house,
I like my life,
I love my husband
and I want him to love me back,
I want a relationship with my husband,
but the problem is
I have no control over any of that or I would already have it.
I guess I want it so bad, I just refuse to give up
crazy I know
Thanks
I could be happy, but Im preoccupied by my deficet in ATTENTION,EMOTIONAL RESPONCE,INTIMACY AND JUST FRIENDLY CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO LOVING ADULTS.
With him, i get nothing, nothing at all.
so yeah......lol
if thats happiness, then I know NO different...
I like my house,
I like my life,
I love my husband
and I want him to love me back,
I want a relationship with my husband,
but the problem is
I have no control over any of that or I would already have it.
I guess I want it so bad, I just refuse to give up
crazy I know
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
The problem here, as I see it, is you married a horse when yu really wanted a zebra. In other words, he's addicted. Alcoholics not in recovery are not capable of loving ANYONE, not even themselves. It's not possible. Until they want, get and work recovery. And then it's still a crap shot depending on the specifics of the particular person.
You don't have to give up on what you want. But perhaps you need to give up on getting what you want with this particular person...at this particular time. And it might not even have to be forever.
You don't have to give up on what you want. But perhaps you need to give up on getting what you want with this particular person...at this particular time. And it might not even have to be forever.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Not crazy at all. Love and healthy relationships involve reciprocity and with an active A (or even one in early recovery) it does not come back. So you start to doubt your worth. I know I did.
Being lonely and in a relationship is perhaps a worse type of lonliness than if you were by yourself. The good part of this is that you are coming to terms with his capacity to love back (or lack of a capacity).
It is hard, sad and painful to realize. It may take time so don't be hard on yourself. This is when building up your own life starts to happen so that these things he cannot offer aren't so painful to accept.
I predict a great weight off your shoulders will be lifted when you work through these feelings and get to a place of lasting acceptance of the person he really is in this relationship.
It will be ok
You will be ok.
Being lonely and in a relationship is perhaps a worse type of lonliness than if you were by yourself. The good part of this is that you are coming to terms with his capacity to love back (or lack of a capacity).
It is hard, sad and painful to realize. It may take time so don't be hard on yourself. This is when building up your own life starts to happen so that these things he cannot offer aren't so painful to accept.
I predict a great weight off your shoulders will be lifted when you work through these feelings and get to a place of lasting acceptance of the person he really is in this relationship.
It will be ok
You will be ok.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 6
I now the feeling .I have been with an alcoholic for 9 years and He is still not sober but when he is home I still fill alone and scared of loosing him but at times i fill nothing but anger and resentment I wish this feeling would go away but after everything he has put me through i dont know how to forgive him but i dont know how to leave him either. I fill like i have another child instead of a husband .His problem has changed the way i look at him and how i look at my self !I use to belive i was strong and had everything going for me but he makes me fill weak and that my life is pointless unless it is to clean up his mess!! Im just trying to figure this all out!!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi Sally. Real simple question here. Do you trust him? If he says he didn't have anything to drink, do you trust him? If he says he won't drink again, do you trust him? Without trust there is no partnership, no happiness, no us.
So, do you trust him?
So, do you trust him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
We are very much alike,
I know exactly what you mean. My A has been sober for 2 years now, and we put our lives back together when it seemed impossible. You'd think that after experiencing all that mess, there would be a solid effort put forth when it came to repairing relationships.
But NO, I am learning still, and over and over that they are just not capable of giving.....they are so deeply stuck in themselves.....They take hostages not wives and children. They just need us there, cause they need us there. When were gone, there uncomforable.
The sad part is, while were just know learning this........they may never know, ???
No wonder were lonely and scared.....
One thing I do know is that we are strong women, we would have to be or we could never make it. But we do.
There are so many different ways of looking at it, and I have looked at it from many different angles.......it is simply never black or white.
We are smart strong women
I know exactly what you mean. My A has been sober for 2 years now, and we put our lives back together when it seemed impossible. You'd think that after experiencing all that mess, there would be a solid effort put forth when it came to repairing relationships.
But NO, I am learning still, and over and over that they are just not capable of giving.....they are so deeply stuck in themselves.....They take hostages not wives and children. They just need us there, cause they need us there. When were gone, there uncomforable.
The sad part is, while were just know learning this........they may never know, ???
No wonder were lonely and scared.....
One thing I do know is that we are strong women, we would have to be or we could never make it. But we do.
There are so many different ways of looking at it, and I have looked at it from many different angles.......it is simply never black or white.
We are smart strong women
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
I do trust him, with his sobriety. I see him working at it and carving a new pathway. We are trying to find our way. He has been sober now for two years and still attends meetings and keeps in touch with some aa friends.
I guess Im tired of always dealing with the dark stuff that addictions are made of. And I would like to just skip to the good stuff. The stuff I've dreamed of, the stuff I've always hung on for.
someday........over the rainbow.......
I guess Im tired of always dealing with the dark stuff that addictions are made of. And I would like to just skip to the good stuff. The stuff I've dreamed of, the stuff I've always hung on for.
someday........over the rainbow.......
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Feelings can't be forced.
You can't fill water to a jar that is already full. You have to empty it first.
RE feeling or being alone/ a therapist told me: we are always alone. Regardless of who we are with.. who we are married to.. or if we are single... in a remote island or in the largest city in the world..we are always alone, with our own thoughts and our own feelings. This emptiness cannot be filled with anything else than ourselves and trying to have something outside or someone else fill it will lead to frustration.
You can't fill water to a jar that is already full. You have to empty it first.
RE feeling or being alone/ a therapist told me: we are always alone. Regardless of who we are with.. who we are married to.. or if we are single... in a remote island or in the largest city in the world..we are always alone, with our own thoughts and our own feelings. This emptiness cannot be filled with anything else than ourselves and trying to have something outside or someone else fill it will lead to frustration.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
once again thank you
I have gotten so much relief from all of your responces, and I thank you.
I agree with the cup being full and needing to empy it.
I do believe the A has so much in there cup, it is impossible for there own survival to give to us.
I think the problem may lie in the fact that my cupith........is empty, and my heart longs for it to be filled.
I understand that we are always alone, this is very true. But I also know that as humans one of our humane needs is human touch, human contact and love.
They have done experiments with babies who do not receive any human contact or touching and it does effect them.
This is what I feel is missiing,
Imtimacy, just a hug, a warm look, a soft place to fall,
I understand that we need to fill the void within ourselves , by ourselves, but this it seems may be impossible.
I guess I should and could put it in Gods hands,
maybe this is what I need to pray for.
Sometimes the things we need are so simple, Thats all I ask, Thats all I need.
Its really not complicated, I don't think any women really cares what colour the picket fence is......she just wants what she invisions to be inside.
And that for me, is my A with his arm around my shoulder........in a loving embrace......is that so difficult.
Is it that difficult to love me.......I mean it is demeaning and degrading to even have to ask.
thous that old saying"keep it simple stupid".
But I will cheer and know in my heart that my higher power loves me and i will take that with me today.........
I feel better.
Thank you
I agree with the cup being full and needing to empy it.
I do believe the A has so much in there cup, it is impossible for there own survival to give to us.
I think the problem may lie in the fact that my cupith........is empty, and my heart longs for it to be filled.
I understand that we are always alone, this is very true. But I also know that as humans one of our humane needs is human touch, human contact and love.
They have done experiments with babies who do not receive any human contact or touching and it does effect them.
This is what I feel is missiing,
Imtimacy, just a hug, a warm look, a soft place to fall,
I understand that we need to fill the void within ourselves , by ourselves, but this it seems may be impossible.
I guess I should and could put it in Gods hands,
maybe this is what I need to pray for.
Sometimes the things we need are so simple, Thats all I ask, Thats all I need.
Its really not complicated, I don't think any women really cares what colour the picket fence is......she just wants what she invisions to be inside.
And that for me, is my A with his arm around my shoulder........in a loving embrace......is that so difficult.
Is it that difficult to love me.......I mean it is demeaning and degrading to even have to ask.
thous that old saying"keep it simple stupid".
But I will cheer and know in my heart that my higher power loves me and i will take that with me today.........
I feel better.
Thank you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 213
Sally, my ex husband was very much like what you are describing. Cold and angry. He wasn't always like that, we were together for 17 years and it was a slow spiral (that ended up going faster and faster). I can't tell you how much of a weight was lifted for me once I got myself to al-anon and learned to keep the focus on myself and not seek him out to fill any of my emotional, intellectual, or spiritual needs. He wasn't capable of filling any needs, I had to do that for myself. I blamed myself for years, and at some point I realized that it had nothing to do with me. You ARE lovable, you are worthy. Living with someone with active addiction is crippling to our self-esteem. If you can get to an al-anon meeting, please do.
Best of luck to you.
Best of luck to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
He's in a rage
Well, Im not sure if anyone has ever lived with anyone who acts like they hate your guts. He stomps around the house, from the bedroom, slams the doors and hisses words when he passes by.
How do I deal with this, I ignore him as much as possible and avoid him as much as possible.
This can go on for days, so I try not to get caught up in it. Although, by the end of it Im ready to pack up and hit the road.
Then one day.......soon he'll wake up and dicide to be nice.
By this time.....im not having any part of it....I get used to avoiding him and even start to enjoy him not being in my face.
But at the same time, It doesn't feel very much like this is someone who is supposed to love me.
I secretly pray that someone nice comes along just for revenge, thats what he would deserve would be for someone nice to come and actually be nice to me.
But the truth is I dont really put too much hope into that.
Im too tired to deal with any major life changes, but my mind does wonder off into the should i leave him...
I was tlking to my son last night and his girlfriend was just diagnosed with Bi-polar dis-order. He said to me "mom, Im darn sure thats what Dad has". I really do believe that he does. His father has major manic mood swings, he'll be on a high for a couple weeks then he'll crash and be soo depressed and stay in bed,and stomp around and hate the world, for a week. Then he'll be normal again.
I have a Dr. Apptment and I am going to mention it to the DR.
I think there is a strong possibity wouldn't hurt to check it out.
up down........all around.......
I just want peace........love and peace......not war
How do I deal with this, I ignore him as much as possible and avoid him as much as possible.
This can go on for days, so I try not to get caught up in it. Although, by the end of it Im ready to pack up and hit the road.
Then one day.......soon he'll wake up and dicide to be nice.
By this time.....im not having any part of it....I get used to avoiding him and even start to enjoy him not being in my face.
But at the same time, It doesn't feel very much like this is someone who is supposed to love me.
I secretly pray that someone nice comes along just for revenge, thats what he would deserve would be for someone nice to come and actually be nice to me.
But the truth is I dont really put too much hope into that.
Im too tired to deal with any major life changes, but my mind does wonder off into the should i leave him...
I was tlking to my son last night and his girlfriend was just diagnosed with Bi-polar dis-order. He said to me "mom, Im darn sure thats what Dad has". I really do believe that he does. His father has major manic mood swings, he'll be on a high for a couple weeks then he'll crash and be soo depressed and stay in bed,and stomp around and hate the world, for a week. Then he'll be normal again.
I have a Dr. Apptment and I am going to mention it to the DR.
I think there is a strong possibity wouldn't hurt to check it out.
up down........all around.......
I just want peace........love and peace......not war
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
I imagine a lot of people relate to their addict acting like they hate your guts. I know I do. I remember thinking it's damned if I do, damned if I don't. It didn't matter what I said or did, he had a way of making the situation about me, and about me in a negative fashion (something was *once again* wrong with me) and it was causing him to be negative and/or upset. Well, in time it became very clear that this whole, sick scenario was feeding his addiction; it was exactly what he needed (if I can all it that) to justify his drinking. It worked for him no matter what hoop, loop or dance I tried to not be a part of it. I moved out...*finally* I am not a part of it; and what a relief it is! He is still just as negative now from a distance but I get to walk away from it and be in charge in a whole new way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140
ah, I know what you mean. I do really know it is not about me at all. It's about him trying to justify a drink.
He is so caught up in his own misery, he really has nothing to offer anyone. I can't imagine a more hellish state be be stuck in forever.
I know it's hard no to do the alcoholic dance, it doesn't matter what you do, you still feed into it.
Thats why I just unplug, and carry on with my own life as much as possible.
I have left more then a few times, But this time I'm not letting him chase me out of my house.
Im standing solid and if he wants to go on a crazy binge, it will have to be somewhere else.
Crazy...............days and crzy nights
He is so caught up in his own misery, he really has nothing to offer anyone. I can't imagine a more hellish state be be stuck in forever.
I know it's hard no to do the alcoholic dance, it doesn't matter what you do, you still feed into it.
Thats why I just unplug, and carry on with my own life as much as possible.
I have left more then a few times, But this time I'm not letting him chase me out of my house.
Im standing solid and if he wants to go on a crazy binge, it will have to be somewhere else.
Crazy...............days and crzy nights
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by Sally
The answer that I am scared to tell myself is that it is too late.
The last time I left was the last time, We have done too much damage to our relationship and there is no turning back.
This time it's too late.
Thats what Im affraid of............
The last time I left was the last time, We have done too much damage to our relationship and there is no turning back.
This time it's too late.
Thats what Im affraid of............
I know this is tough and I am sending you thoughts of strength and serenity. I went back an looked at your first post again. I am rereading Codependent No More (Great Book). Each time I reread I pick up on something different. This time what has been jumping out at me is how fear is my biggest road block, and based on your post I think you are having issues with it also. After 36 years of marriage striking out on your own is very scary. Turns out the reality was not near as bad as I thought. Some times when you know what the right thing is you just have to do it.
Courage is not the lack of fear, it is acting in spite of it.
Your friend,
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