dancingnow

These last 2 weeks I have been acting pretty irrational (see last post) but am also pretty confused about what it is I want.

I think but don't know for sure that my AH is doing well not drinking. He seems somewhat more rational.

What I don't like is how he is still quick to anger or blame me when our communication breaks down. I know that this is typical of alcoholics. The problem is I don't seem to have much patience or understanding and wonder if this is part of the recovery process or just my AH.

I sometimes feel like I am a high school teenager wondering why AH doesn't love me anymore. I feel like I keep setting myself up for disappointment by counting on him to call me and see how I am doing.

I think I got so used to the times when AH did call me and talk with me early in the day as a way maybe to keep me from calling him in the later part of the day when he was no where to be found because he was drinking.

It seems so sick how my brain is wired - this false sense of how much AH cared about me and "shared" his life with me.

When the alcohol got really bad I was the one calling him and the sharing became less and less as his hangovers got worse and worse.

I'm wondering what damage I did to my self esteem or what kind of self esteem I had when I kept trying to get AH to just not drink and be there for me and he would just get angry at me for wanting to be with him.

I remember over 20 years ago when I was first married, working with no kids and there was a woman at work, my age at the time getting so upset because some guy she was dating didn't call her. I remember thinking, just get on with it, find a new boyfriend.

Now I look at myself all enmeshed in this life I had with an AH and on top of that living apart from him for over a year now basically a single mom and I can't seem to get on with my life.

I feel like I have been abandoned by my AH and yet I really don't like being with him.

Someone posted time points when alcoholics relapse. Do you think it might be the same for codies? I feel like all the therapy, reading, SR, alanon and NC has done nothing for me.

Tuffgirl

Yes and yes...Hello!! Welcome to my head.

When I really get to missing the RAH - now 7 months sober - I spend a little time with him and something he says makes me angry (usually its the little misquoted and misunderstood AA stuff he's learning) and I realize I don't like him very much and then my heart says 'what?' you are MARRIED to this guy remember how perfect he was 4 years ago? And then my head steps in and reminds me of what a jerkface he was when he was drinking and how he rarely calls me even though he's sober...oh well...you can get the picture here...its crazy! CRAZY!

Yes, I relapse several times a day.

I have developed some coping skills for when that happens and these are not in order, just a list.

1.I DON'T CALL HIM when I feel crazy.
2. I write it all down first, then read something inspiring or a daily meditation (Courage to Change, One Day at a Time)
3. Take a walk, run, bike, ski...anything to release some endorphins
4. Call someone else (Mom, sponsor, friend, post here) if I can't let go of the urge to talk
5. Turn on the TV, surf the internet, anything that is an instant distraction
6. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly (at least 2x a week)
7. Laugh at myself for feeling crazy. It happens. Its normal. And often, its a full moon when I feel craziest! Like this week...

Hang in there. Each day I get a little less crazy.

dollydo

I think regrowth comes on slowly. For me, I had alot of issues to overcome, issues brought on by living with an addict. The daily abuse took away my self-esteem, I was a passenger in my own car, riding in the back seat, always looking in the rear view mirror.

Then I got mad, I was done and that was my pivital point, that was my rebirth. I jumped in the front seat of my car and drove, and I no longer look in the rear view mirror. I now look forward, not back.

What was, was, it cannot be recreated, people change, relationships change. Nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse.

He abandoned you long ago, it is just a matter of your acceptance of the situation, until you reach the point of acceptance you will be stuck in the past.

Be kind to yourself, embrace your new life, try not to dwell on the past, it really serves no purpose.

LexieCat

You don't have to decide "what you really want" this minute. More will be revealed.

It sounds like you aren't ready to walk away just yet. In that case, don't. Settle in for a bit, work on your own recovery, and see how things go. The healthier you are, the better off you will be, whether you stay or you go.

marie1960

From your post, I would have to say you are most definitely ready to move on. Baby steps my friend, that is all that you have to take. I also came to the point where i said to myself why am I subjecting myself to someone else's actions. The nasty comments and remarks are so very hurtful. I knew it was the booze talking, I knew there was a beautiful person trapped inside of him, he just lost the ability to project anything other than his own pain and anger. You will know when you have had enough and you will do everything to make you better. Life is way to short to be swallowed up in someone else's mess that they are responsible for creating.
I always make lists, lay out all the pros and cons, somehow seeing it in black and white, things become clear for me. Especially when the con list has thirty entries and the pro list only has three.
Wishing you peace and comfort in your journey to find you.

GettingBy

I love what LexieCat said!!!

I think we are stuck in an unhealthy cycle for so long... we feel helpless, and frustrated and angry... and then we become AWARE! *****!! Now we KNOW!!! OK! Let's do something! Let's FIX it! And off we rush to do what we do best... fix stuff.

Well, at least that's how it works for me. I become aware, sometimes I get acceptance (sometimes not!) and then I jump feet first into ACTION!! I LOVE to do things. Make things better, get on with living... "Let's get on to happiness... NOW!" I have zero patience. I want instantaneous results... I want progress (and perfection! ) NOW!

And as I work on my recovery... I'm learning to just let things be. Live just for today. Not everything has to be fixed right now, not everything thing needs me jumping all over and managing it! And maybe, just maybe, more will be revealed and what I perceive as the "truth" right now... may just change tomorrow.

I don't know if any of that even makes sense... but that's what seemed to come to my mind.

Take what you like...
Shannon