lovey1120

i met my boyfriend over a year ago, and knew he used drugs, but i didnt know it was an addiction. we began dating about 7 months ago, and he told me he no longer used drugs. i knew nothing about drugs, or what someone that was high looked like or acted like. i was completely naive. until one night about 2 weeks in, i caught him sniffing a pill. I was hysterically crying and wouldnt speak to him, and then he promised me he would stop for me because he cared about me and wanted to be with me. so i trusted him and i never bothered him about it again. I went on for 2 months believing he was no longer using. until one night he came to my house and confessed to me that hed been lying and using daily. about 800mg a day of oxycodone! he cried and told me he couldnt take the lying and using anymore and that he wanted to stay clean, and he was admitting himself that night into a detox unit. So he did. every day he was there we spoke on the phone, and when he came out and he went to meetings every single night, he satyed clean and went to outpatient, and he got his life back on track, or started to anyway. after that, a few months went by maybe about 3 more, where i got a call from his friend saying he was robbing people for money and using again. but i never had proof so he always denied it. finally i decided i was going to drug test him. so i bought the test and was going to give it to him until he told me that suboxone comes up positive on the test so i couldnt make him take it. and well, since i didnt know anything about drugs and the tests i didnt question i just had to let it go. until one day, his friend told me that the suboxone doesnt come up on a drug test because its a separate kind of test. so i got the info offline that confirmed that, sat him down and told him i was giving him the test. he tried to tell me the same thing, until i showed him its a different test. then he was caught in his own lie. he confessed it all to me, and i was hysterical.i thought, hes gonna do it if he wants to and i cant do anything about him, so i just have to try to live with it and let him go get help on his own terms, but that didnt last very long. and then i tried kicking him out of my house, but that didnt work because he always had somewhere to stay. then i tried not letting him leave my house at all, but he would "walk the dog" and go meet with friends to sniff & smoke pills. i found out he stole about 6 ipods from me, jewlery from my family, his family, was robbing houses and cars. so finally i made him go into the same detox he did before. he did, and 4 days after he was discharged, he relapsed when i went away on vacation. he lied to me about it and had his mother and friends lie to me. but his mother didnt, so she told me the truth. and i wouldnt speak to him or see him for weeks. just a few days ago he went into a new detox, and he stuck it out. and when he was discharged he was admitted to alina lodge in new jersey for rehab treatment. the program there is a minimum 90 day inpatient and usually last for 4-6 months. hes been there for 6 days, and i found out today he gave his 96 hour notice to discharge himself.

idk what im supposed to do. i told him the only way i can be with him is if he completes the program and stays clean. and now hes signing himself out because he says "i dont want to be away from you for this long". i know thats not true, he just wants to get high because he likes it. idk what to do with myself anymore. this pain is unbearable. HELP :'(

MichealR

Im sorry to say it, but get out while you can. Its not worth it. He will hurt you. Read up on Opiate addiction/ Rehab/ Recovery. He needs to do this for himself. It only takes one relapse and his life can be over. I just lost my fiance of 13 years to this disease. Unfortunately she was a nurse. Addiction doesnt discriminate, no matter how educated you are. Opiates are just another name for the stigma of Heroin , but they are one in the same. You cant beat it, only he can but he has to want it. He has to do the work , its not just physical, the real part is Psychological. Thats the tough part, he has issues that he needs to adress. God Bless. How old is he?

lovey1120

Only 20. I wish I could "get out as fast as I can" but I can't. I love him so much, we plan on getting married and its so hard to just leave him

outtolunch

You sound obsessed with curing him. Been there and done that with my own daughter.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannit cure this.

You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Since you can't accept him as is, you can move on. It's getting stuck in that tween place , that's pure hell. He's not done, yet.

Is there a reason why associating with someone who lies to you and steals from you is acceptable to you? The cold hard reality is that he is a desperate junky who cannot function without dope. Addiction is progressive and the fun has just begun.

dollydo

Hi, sorry that you are having to face this situation.

To me, he is not interested in recovery, he is playing you.

So what if he sleeps on someone elses couch?

His actions speak for themselves, the BIG question is: What do you want for yourself, for your future? A lier, thief and drug addict doesn't seem like a good choice, in fact, I would call it a must miss.

There is nothing you can do except let him go. Believe me, you will survive, this is not the end of the world.

Keep posting and reading others posts, it will help.

lovey1120

I know how wonderful a person he can be. the drugs are treating me bad, the drugs are stealing from everyone, the drugs and lying. Its not him, I know the real him. I'm hysterically crying as I write this. I feel completely helpless. I WANT there to be something I can do, but I know there isn't. and when I remember that its reality smacking me in the faCe and slowly killing me. I don't get to see him, or speak to him, or evern write to him. 4 months atleast, of being completely alone. You don't get it, I can't just leave.I don't want everyone to tell me to leave. I want to get through this! I want to weather the storm. I'm sick of everyone around me and everywhere I go saying just leave, or "its gonna be okay" its not okay.none of this is okay. I'm not okay.

MichealR

Im sorry honey, opiate addiction has a 90% relapse rate. Do you want to build up a relationship with some one that will continue to lie , cheat and steal from you? Do you want to have children with someone that will do that to you? Someone who will put their drugs before you? He will learn to work you just so he can do what he does. After you go through all this time with this person and if some chance they OD and die on you , what will you do? You will finally understand the power of Opiates. Trully this is not about you and him. If you really love him you will understand this is all about HIM. You didnt cause it , you cant control it and you cant cure it. This is something that he must do for HIMSELF! He cant do it for you!

Impurrfect

((Lovey)))- it's your choice as to whether to stay with him or not. I, personally, would spend a few hours of reading through posts here (current and older ones) of the many women/men who stuck by their addicts and see what their life has become.

I've had 3 major relationships...all with A's. The first was for over 20 years. I can tell you what I learned to expect...unless he works recovery harder than anything else, you will never be #1, you will always be 2nd (at best) to the dope; you will probably not have much money, drugs are expensive; forget having a home, nice things..he's already stolen from you and others; you will learn, at some point, you don't know what is truth and what is being told what you want to hear so you'll get off his back.

If you want to have kids, you will most likely be a single parent...may end up taking the baby to visit daddy in jail/prison. You will spend 99% of your energy worrying about where he is, what he's doing, etc. You will likely become isolated from friends and family.

Can it work out? Sure, but not unless he works recovery. I'm not only a recovering codie (codependent) but I'm an RA - I turned to drugs to drown the pain of loving an A.

No one could convince ME, at your age, that my life would turn out like it did..I just KNEW we were different. I was the one who loved him enough to make him change.

Last I heard XABF#1 hasn't changed...still has lots of enabling gf's and is a mostly functional A; don't have a clue about XABF#2, and don't want to. XABF#3? He died almost 2 years ago, though I had left him for my sanity and to work my own recovery.

If I sound harsh, I'm sorry...I'm just being realistic. I was as addicted to them, as I ever was to crack. LOVE is being able to trust your partner, LOVE is having similar goals and working, together, towards those goals.

Just some things to think about...take what you need, leave the rest. I just hope you don't end up my age (49) and wonder what took you so long to "get it".

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

hurtbeyondbelie

Lovely1120:

Believe me I understand the pain that you are going through. I was with my bf for five years before I found out about his addiction. He was and may still be a functioning addict. With that said I am not saying "Leave, him" as you feel everyone else may be saying. I will say this, look at this situation as if one of your close friends were telling you it was happening to her. What would you advise her to do? The situation is always different when its you I know that, and when you are in love but the question becomes when does your love for him become more important than your love for yourself? It shouldn't, you should always remain true to yourself. You are your first priority. If you keep making excuses for his behavior now how long are you willing to do that? Trust me many of these questions I am asking you I have had to answer for myself recently. Moving on without him is hard and it hurts like hell, but it can be done. As someone posted earlier one relapse and you can loose him. Living through that would be terrible as well. The fact is he doesn't love himself right now, and no matter how much you love him, you can't love him enough to fix that for him. I speak these words from experience. It has been almost four months and I still miss my ex, love him, and wish that he could be the man he pretended to be. One of the things that keeps me away from him, is the thought of going to his funeral. I don't want to witness him ending his own life. I won't stand by and watch him kill himself no matter the method. I love myself too much to allow him to put me through that. That is what I pray for you Lovely.
Take it easy,hugs

peanut21

I am married to an addict now. He makes good money how he works I don't know. But we lost our house our vehicles we never have any money. It makes no sense because he makes about 4,000 a month but anything left over from bills goes to drugs. Sometimes we have no food. Our kids don't want to spend time with him. Yes I love him and now I wish I could leave. It is not an easy thing when you care so much about someone to just leave them and for the last month I have cried every day because he won't change not for himself and that is the only person who can change him is himself. He has to want that and until he wants it for himself things will never change. I know he probably cares for me in his own way but it is not enough to stop the drugs. I know it's hard and it's your choice to stay or leave but before you marry or get in deeper think what will happen if you have children. My husband has been doing drugs since he was 18 he is now 41. I wish I would have known then what I know now. I didn't know a thing about drugs before I got married and didn't know he was using. I was that naive. You just have to step back and think about yourself first.

outtolunch

Biggest load of BS, ever. And you see right through it. Your gut is on the money, here. Listen to it.

We codependents have this thing about making other people's problems all about us. He is not using drugs at you or because of you. He is doing what addicts do which includes lying, manipulating and stealing. Please don't allow yourself to be dragged into the hole with him.

And most of all, please use serious protection if you are friendly with him. A child is not going to change the outcome.

booksnlattes

Lovey~ I won't tell you to leave because you need to come to that decision for yourself. My addict is my son. Before I got involved with my OWN program, no one on the planet could have told me what to do. Not my family. Not my friends. Not someone posting on a forum. No one. I needed to make my own decisions.

I knew that I didn't have the answers, but I sure did want some. So I listened to the experts. I STRONGLY recommend that you find a face-to-face group. Al Anon. Nar Anon. It took weeks... months... of regular attendance and listening to other people's experiences before I truly began to understand the nature of addiction. Read through posts, here. Learn as much as you can. Listen to other people's stories. Listen to how they've had to handle situations. In a face-to-face group you can create a social circle of people who TRULY understand and give you support.

I won't tell you to leave your bf because it doesn't sound like you're READY to leave him yet. So, if you decide to stay, I want you to learn how to protect yourself, emotionally and physically (if necessary). I hope you attend meetings and find the tools you'll need to live with addiction... because whether you bf is clean or not does not change the fact that you will be living with addiction.

My hope is that you find a face-to-face meeting and pour your heart out to others who know what it's like. I hope you keep coming back here and posting. I hope you read as much as you can on addiction. I hope you learn about detaching and letting go and being powerless.

In short, I hope you take care of YOURSELF and arm yourself to deal with this. Once you have a support system and tools in place... and once you are fully educated about the nature of addiction... and once you listen to the shared experience of others in the same boat... then you'll be able to make an INFORMED decision about staying in this relationship. And you won't have doubts or regrets because you'll know in your heart what the right thing is for you.

So if you decide to stay in this relationship, please don't stay in it the same way. Stay in it while you seek your OWN recovery program. Stay in it while you learn tools about how to deal with this. Stay in it different until (and if) you decide to not stay in it at all.

Please take care of YOU. :-)

Kindeyes

You will leave him when the pain of staying with him is greater than the pain of leaving him......and not a moment sooner.

It's the same for the addict. They will continue to use drugs and their life will spiral downward until the pain of continuing that path is greater than the thought of recovery.

You see.....we are not so different from the addicts in our lives. Both of us eventually reach a bottom. A place where we simply can't take it anymore and we need to stop the pain and we're willing to do anything to make it stop....including removing them from our lives or severely limiting our exposure to them.

You can decide to stop the pain whenever you're ready.

gentle hugs
ke

somberheart

Just speaking from experience..you DONT know who your boyfriend is because he's used drugs the entire time you've known him. Just because you didnt know it was an addiction doesnt change HIM, that changes YOU and how YOU look at him. Thats what is making this so difficult. You don't accept his lifestyle now, but before and when you began to date him you accepted it. My advice..move on! DO NOT get caught in his web of manipulation. He's only going to drag you down with him. You know what they say, misery loves company? You cannot change him. He has to find the power to change, and changing is HARD! Good luck to you! Let him go before you get really hurt, physically and emotionally!!!