boyfriend recovering need advice please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 5
boyfriend recovering need advice please
my boyfriend is in rehab for alcohol i love him with all my heart
even though i have gone through so much with his alcoholism. but hes been in for going on 3 months and doing well what im asking for is advice on how to deal with a recovering alcoholic i would love to hear from anyone thanks
even though i have gone through so much with his alcoholism. but hes been in for going on 3 months and doing well what im asking for is advice on how to deal with a recovering alcoholic i would love to hear from anyone thanks
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Venus, Space
Posts: 757
Hi gabs22,
Being an alcoholic myself, it's hard for me to say, I do know that Al Anon exists exactly for that reason. Also I believe there is a section for family - possibly
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Definitely poke around the site, you're sure to get some good advice.
And welcome!
Being an alcoholic myself, it's hard for me to say, I do know that Al Anon exists exactly for that reason. Also I believe there is a section for family - possibly
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Definitely poke around the site, you're sure to get some good advice.
And welcome!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Gabs))) - welcome to SR! I am an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie (codependent) who has/had A's (addicts/alcoholics) in my life.
I totally agree with (((SwanSong))) in checking out the friends & families forum. Rehab is not a cure. It's a place where A's are taught tools of recovery, given some time away from their DOC (drug of choice) and can be a really good start to ongoing recovery.
However, it's only one step of many he will need to take. In all honesty, quitting the drugs is usually not the hardest part. It's not picking back up when "life stuff" hits that's hard.
There are meetings for loved ones of A's - al-anon and nar-anon. Al-anon is mainly for the loved ones of alcholics, but they usually have many more meetings and most are very welcoming to loved ones of addicts.
Recovery is hard work, and often the loved ones feel a bit lost, left behind, if the A truly works it. They often go to meetings, go through a LOT of emotions because of what they've done, what they've numbed out while using, etc.
This is something he has to do for and by himself. Many loved ones feel like they are walking on eggshells...what if I say/do something that makes him go back to using? I've been hurt by what he's done in the past...how do I tell him...what if it makes him go back out?
I can tell you, as an RA, that once I truly wanted recovery, there was absolutely no one or nothing that could make me go back out. If I had, it would have been MY choice (though I probably would have blamed it on someone/something else).
We talk about the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. Talking with people who have been in similar situations is extremely helpful, whether it's here, meetings, therapy, or a combination.
Addiction is a family disease...it affects everyone who loves an A, and we have to learn how to do what is best for US, while allowing them to work through our own issues. It's not easy, it often goes against everything we've been brought up to believe, but I promise you, it's the best thing for both of you.
I had 3 XABF's (ex addict/alcoholic boyfriends...slow learner) for nearly 30 years. I lost ME during that time, I was so enmeshed in them, even developed my own addiction because I couldn't deal with it. I thought my love would "fix" them. Love can't cure addiction...if it did, this site wouldn't exist.
When I got here, I read a LOT, and learned I wasn't alone in my feelings. I learned new ways to look at things and new ways to behave. SR has been a Godsend to me.
I hope you continue to read and post. Addiction is a lifelong thing...we are never cured. My prayers are that your bf embraces recovery as if his life depends on it (it does), but whatever happens, there is a ton of ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I totally agree with (((SwanSong))) in checking out the friends & families forum. Rehab is not a cure. It's a place where A's are taught tools of recovery, given some time away from their DOC (drug of choice) and can be a really good start to ongoing recovery.
However, it's only one step of many he will need to take. In all honesty, quitting the drugs is usually not the hardest part. It's not picking back up when "life stuff" hits that's hard.
There are meetings for loved ones of A's - al-anon and nar-anon. Al-anon is mainly for the loved ones of alcholics, but they usually have many more meetings and most are very welcoming to loved ones of addicts.
Recovery is hard work, and often the loved ones feel a bit lost, left behind, if the A truly works it. They often go to meetings, go through a LOT of emotions because of what they've done, what they've numbed out while using, etc.
This is something he has to do for and by himself. Many loved ones feel like they are walking on eggshells...what if I say/do something that makes him go back to using? I've been hurt by what he's done in the past...how do I tell him...what if it makes him go back out?
I can tell you, as an RA, that once I truly wanted recovery, there was absolutely no one or nothing that could make me go back out. If I had, it would have been MY choice (though I probably would have blamed it on someone/something else).
We talk about the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. Talking with people who have been in similar situations is extremely helpful, whether it's here, meetings, therapy, or a combination.
Addiction is a family disease...it affects everyone who loves an A, and we have to learn how to do what is best for US, while allowing them to work through our own issues. It's not easy, it often goes against everything we've been brought up to believe, but I promise you, it's the best thing for both of you.
I had 3 XABF's (ex addict/alcoholic boyfriends...slow learner) for nearly 30 years. I lost ME during that time, I was so enmeshed in them, even developed my own addiction because I couldn't deal with it. I thought my love would "fix" them. Love can't cure addiction...if it did, this site wouldn't exist.
When I got here, I read a LOT, and learned I wasn't alone in my feelings. I learned new ways to look at things and new ways to behave. SR has been a Godsend to me.
I hope you continue to read and post. Addiction is a lifelong thing...we are never cured. My prayers are that your bf embraces recovery as if his life depends on it (it does), but whatever happens, there is a ton of ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Some great advice here gabs
I can't think of any better place to get advice than our Family and Friends forums...and like the others have suggested maybe something like AlAnon could be a great help to you too?
Welcome to SR
D
I can't think of any better place to get advice than our Family and Friends forums...and like the others have suggested maybe something like AlAnon could be a great help to you too?
Welcome to SR
D
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome,
I also recomment the F&F forum and Al-Anon. Those two can be lifelines.
Living with recovery from alcoholism isn't a bed of roses--there can be great rewards ahead, but often in the beginning especially it's difficult for both partners. The only way to survive as a partner is to change yourself--not for him, but for you.
I also recomment the F&F forum and Al-Anon. Those two can be lifelines.
Living with recovery from alcoholism isn't a bed of roses--there can be great rewards ahead, but often in the beginning especially it's difficult for both partners. The only way to survive as a partner is to change yourself--not for him, but for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 5
Thank you so much everyone im very happy to have found this
site it has really helped me so far and i know i will eventually learn to live with him being an RA the love and support is def there and IMPURRFECT i truely appreciate your post thank you and im going to check out the f&f forums right now aswell as al-anon thanks again everyone
<3 gabs
site it has really helped me so far and i know i will eventually learn to live with him being an RA
the love and support is def there and IMPURRFECT i truely appreciate your post thank you and im going to check out the f&f forums right now aswell as al-anon thanks again everyone <3 gabs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
