rhodajinny

I don't know if it's the right thing to do to put this all out here like this, but I just feel so awful and alone and I could really use some help.

I broke up with my first boyfriend almost a month ago. He is the most kind, romantic, charming, brilliant person I've ever met. I have so much fun with him. He was such a sweet boyfriend, and I thought we were going to get married. I knew he was a recovering alcoholic when we got together, but I was naive and I didn't think much of it...he just seemed so on top of everything. But he told me in April that he had been drinking, every day, for the past year and I had no idea. He lied to me every day for nearly a year. I thought it would be okay if we worked through it together, and he started going to meetings and he went to a doctor and it seemed like he was on the right track. But two weeks later he told me that he hadn't actually been to any meetings, that he hadn't gone to a doctor. He lied to me again, so I broke it off with him.

But I am so miserable without him. He is truly the sweetest person I've ever met, and I think he is perfect...except for all this mess. I know for sure that now he is getting better. He’s told everyone about his problem, and he’s been sober for over 30 days now. I don’t know if I did the right thing by breaking up with him – should I be there to support him during this time? Or is this really something he has to do on his own?

I want to take him back, because I love him more than anything in the whole world. I know that my friends and family would not approve of this, however, and I'm scared of being so isolated. And I know that I have goals for myself and a life that I dream of, and I don’t know if this is possible with someone like this. Could we have children? Could we go to Paris? Could we have a nice life together? I feel like I don’t have a great enough understanding of what I would be getting into. I’ve just graduated college and I feel like most of what I’m doing is plagued with uncertainty. But I do know I'm completely in love with him. He won't let me go and I don't even know if I want him to -- every day he calls or texts and talks to me just like it was before, telling me that he loves me and that our happiest days are ahead of us. Every piece of advice I've gotten about breakups (since this is my first one) is to cut off all contact, but he's my best friend and I just don't know if I can right now. Not only because I need him so much, but because he's going through such a hard time too and he needs somebody. I feel sick and depressed all the time. I’ve never felt this awful before. I'm such a mess and if anyone can offer any advice, I'd really appreciate it. Sorry for the emotional wordvomit, but I just don't know where to turn.

seekingcalm

You have come to the right place. Relax, and breathe, and read and post as much as you'd like.

I have been where you are, and have felt the intense pain of letting go of someone I loved. I promise you, it gets easier. Leave him to focus on himself, he will recover for real or he won't. Take care of yourself, do the things you like to do, and just leave it at that for now.

You cannot help him, you really truly cannot. But you can enjoy your life. I wish I knew when I was your age, the things I know now. I suppose many of us here do. You don't need anyone else to go to Paris, or to dream dreams, or do any of the amazing things that you will do in your lifetime. You need YOU. Don't forget that. You need YOU more than anything or anyone.

Gentle hugs, leave him to his recovery.

m1k3

rhodajinny,



Welcome to SR. Almost everyone here has been where you are in one way or another so yes this was the place to put this.

Read the stickys at the top of the page as there is huge amounts of excellent information there. Look into going to several Al-anon meetings also.

As for your ABF (alcoholic boy friend), why would you consider someone who has been lying to you every day for over a year the .

One thing you should understand is that alcoholics lie and manipulate. All of them, every single one of them including your boyfriend.

Relationships are built on trust. Based on how much he has lied to you in the past why would you want to trust him now?

It this was your best friend talking to you about her alcoholic boyfriend that lied to her for the past year what would you tell her? "Good catch, I bet you can't wait until he gets verbally abusive and isolates you from all friends. I wish I was that lucky".

The other thing that is real big around here is the 3 c's.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It really doesn't matter what you do. He will either get better or he won't because he wants to. There is nothing that you can say or do to change that.

He has to walk his own path to recovery.


Please understand that you will get support from all of us no matter what choice you make and it is your path to walk. But having been there I can see that you have a wonderful chance to walk away before it turns into a nightmare.


Your friend,

Tuffgirl

You did the right thing. What you are experiencing is grief for the death of the dream you thought you were going to have. It's normal and completely understandable.

Think about this statement: He is truly the sweetest person I've ever met, and I think he is perfect...except for all this mess. You wrote this above. Yet, he lied to you. A lot. How is that sweet? Perfect?

You are young with your whole life ahead of you. Go meet someone who is emotionally available to have the dream you want to have...children...Paris...normalcy...

This man needs to get his feet on the ground and seek recovery, and even then you have no guarantees who he will grow up to become.

Welcome, and I admire the heck out of your resolve to recognize the lies and to dump the guy before you got too involved. Stay strong!
~T

atwittsend

I think you did the right thing. I also think that because you have split up doesnt mean that has to be permanent. if he is willing to put forth the effort to stay sober and earn back your trust over time.

m1k3

I'd be careful with this. How do you know he is staying sober if you can't trust him? Also there is a big difference between being sober and being in recovery. I speak from experience as my AW is in rehab for the third time. Trust has truly been lost and I have moved out.

You are young, find someone who doesn't have the baggage. You deserve better.

Your friend,

Tally

Being in love doesn't make you feel sick and depressed or make you feel awful.

You've been lied to EVERY day for over a year. Even when he came clean about that he continued to lie for another fortnight about meetings and doctors.

If you love him and he loves you then there is no urgency necessary. You don't need to rush into things. He can get help for himself without you. If he WANTS it, he will do it without you.

If he continues to drink it will get worse. He will become a different person. It IS progressive. What starts out fun, happy, nice...turns nasty, selfish and pitiful.

Forget kids. Bringing a child up with an alcoholic is not advisable. Paris? If he hasn't drank all your money dry. Nice life? If you're prepared to mother a grown man and put his needs before your own AND not moan about it.

Read everything you can about codependency. Educate yourself and work on YOU. Don't worry about him. Question why you would settle for anything less than the best.

chicory

Tuffgirl said it well. I was thinking the very same thing. that i admire you for having enough self respect to make the decisions that you have been making. Not everyone is that healthy about their boundaries.

Trust your gut,listen to that small voice inside you. Deep down you probably already know your truths.

and stick around. this is a wonderful group. most all have been where you are, and are glad to help, and to listen.

take care,
chicory

kittykitty

It's been said so many times before, wish I could quote the theologian who came up with it... Alcoholics don't have relationships - they take hostages.

You are in the right place. Many of us have learned the hard way that there is nothing we can do to help these people, the ones who are driven to drink, lie, and manipulate. He's been lying to you about drinking for over a year now. Sounds like you gave him a second chance, and he blew it by lying again. He's obviously pretty good at it, to get away with it for that long. Doesn't it make you wonder what else he has been lying to you about? I think what's more important here is to determine why you are so willing to forgive someone who has been lying to you. Every Day. About something so important.

The best way to keep me caught up in the "relationship", and to doubt my decisions to leave (it took me three times to finally leave my ex alcoholic boyfriend) was to continue the promises of how great our lives would be, if I just gave him another chance. Every time he ****ed up, it was excuse after excuse.
~i'll never do it again
~i can't do it without you
~we'll be so happy, if you just give me a chance
~i'm not perfect, everybody makes mistakes
~i didn't realize you wouldn't be okay with it
~i don't need meetings, i can control it on my own
~you never said I couldn't do such and such
~we're soulmates, don't give up on me
~i'm not giving up on you

Of course he won't let you go. I'm sure you are such a catch for him. But he is overflowing with toxicity for you. I've been dating alcoholics and addicts for the past 17 years, and it's a road to nowhere. There are healthy, loving, TRUTHFUL, mature, non-addicted men out there who would love to have you, and you are WORTH IT. Read some of the other threads on here, especially the stickies at the top. Living with an A will change your life, and i have yet to find an example of "for the better".

This guy's headed down a really bad path. It's up to you whether you want to follow him, or let him go on his own. The longer you continue contact with him, the harder it will be to escape. Geez, they're like black holes, they just suck everything up around them.

If it's meant to be, it will be, but it shouldn't be by him manipulating you into giving him yet another chance.

LexieCat

You are getting lots of good feedback here. This is your first breakup, so it must be your first relationship. You don't have anything to compare it to, so you think the "sweetness" and "wonderfulness" is the best thing you could ever have.

Alcoholics are often sweet and charming--until they're not. And they won't be, if they continue to drink. He MIGHT be sweet and charming once he really gets sober, but right now you have no clue when or even whether that might happen. He is prone to telling you what you want to hear, without regard for the truth. He wants you to stick with him--but he wants to drink more than he wants a real relationship (which can only happen if he's sober).

There are men out there who are truly in a position to appreciate what you have to offer--this guy is not, and he won't be, until he commits himself to recovery and does a LOT of work. That might take years and years to happen--or it might never happen. There is no recovery for you to "support".

My suggestion is that you move on and wish the guy well, but find someone with whom you can have a real relationship.

rhodajinny

Thank you all for the kind and honest responses. I really appreciate it. It's good to know there are people like you out there.

I don't understand a few things, and I'm wondering if you could help me clear it up since I'm pretty new to this. Do you guys believe alcoholism is a disease? That's what I understood -- his father was an alcoholic, and I thought genetics came into play a lot. That's why I'm not angry with him, at all...I don't see it as his fault. He can't really control it, right? He's not abusive; in fact, he's always kind and gentle. I never realized he was drinking because he never acted any different than he usually did. If alcoholism is a disease, and they can't help it, isn't it at all related to staying with someone who has an illness? I know it's not quite the same thing, but I don't really see it as a personal defect but as something that's beyond his control. And by beyond his control I don't mean drinking itself (that is under his control) but alcoholism as a condition he has to live with. If he is in recovery, and committed to being sober, then why is he beyond hope?

I'm just asking, and I understand that I'm likely very naive about this. I just love him so much and it's very hard to let him go. But I recognize that all of you know a lot more about these types of situations than I do. It's just awfully scary, you know?

LexieCat

Alcoholism ISN'T the alcoholic's "fault". But one of the main features of this particular disease is that it keeps telling you that you don't have it. So it can go on for years and years, getting progressively worse until something happens to make it stop. That can be something that causes the alcoholic to want to be sober more than anything in the world (often it takes a VERY unpleasant event or crisis), or sometimes they physically sicken and die, or sometimes they wind up in jail or in an institution.

Now, you say that your guy is "in recovery" and "committed to being sober." No, he isn't. He has been lying to you about that because it's what you want to hear. Some alcoholics keep saying stuff like that for decades. I am a recovering alcoholic, and I spent four and a half years lying to MYSELF that I was "working on my drinking problem". I didn't even have to fool anyone else. I've been sober almost three years now.

As for leaving someone when he's "sick," if he had any other illness and refused to treat it and it impacted your life as drastically as alcoholism does, you would be well justified in not sticking around. The alcoholism isn't his fault, but there is no way for you to hurry along his desire to get sober. That will happen when and if it happens, but it is out of your hands.

Truthfully, he is a lousy risk.

Tuffgirl

I guess it boils down to what you are willing to tolerate. No, he is not beyond hope. Yes, I believe alcoholism is a disease with a genetic component to it. No I don't believe that means we stay with someone because they have a disease, especially one that makes them impossible people to have an intimate relationship with.

My husband was sweet, loving, gentle. Until he wasn't anymore. That switch happened when I began to complain about his drinking. And it happened over night. It was brutal for me and my daughters to bear witness to. We left.

It is not my problem to deal with - it is his. He doesn't need my support, he needs professionals and other alcoholics. Recovery is no walk in the park, either. It's a long, painful process that requires a lifelong commitment. And even that is no guarantee.

It is very hard to understand when you aren't an addict. There is much I will never understand - which is why I am grateful for programs such as AA...those people do understand and they can help and support where I can't.

You are looking at a lifetime of this. Is this what you envisioned yourself growing up to have? I didn't.

I love my husband very much, too. It has been harder than anything to pry my fingers off of him and let him go. But in the end, I have done him the greatest favor ever - letting him go be a man in this world and live his own life. Sucks, I know.

m1k3

That was a very good question. The reason all of us are saying to avoid a relationship with an alcoholic has noting to do with punishing them ore even abandoning them. It has to do with ourselves. Your alcoholic boy friend (abf) will not get better until he is ready to get better. There is absolutely nothing you can do to change this. What will happen is that you will begin to get caught up in his alcoholism. You will be patient and kind and loving and he will begin to resent you for it. You will begin a slow downward spiral until both of you are being devastated by this disease. This will happen. It has happened to all of us here. There is a saying here that with an alcoholic you have two choices: let go or be dragged.

Sorry to say this by your love is powerless against his addiction to alcohol. What we see here is a chance for someone to escape before going through the hell we have been through.

No matter what you chose this place will always be a refuge filled with people who understand.

Your friend,

kittykitty

Maybe this will help...

I've seen the comparison of diabetes, also a disease. When someone is diabetic, they have an option to take control of their lives, and make some changes to live happier and healthier. Losing weight, exercising, testing their blood sugar, regular doctor's visits, etc. If someone has been diagnosed with diabetes, and CHOOSES to sit on the couch getting fatter and fatter, jamming KFC and McDonalds down their throats, refusing to go to the doctor, and denying they even have the disease, well they've made the decision to have a short and unhappy life. They will eventually lose their sight, maybe a foot or leg, and eventually will end up in a coma and die. Essentially, the same fate awaits alcoholics who don't get treatment. Would you stick around for that? How long would you put your life on hold, hoping that eventually he will see what he's doing to himself? To you? To your potential children?

Who knows if he even realizes how bad his problem is. He tells you he does, but his actions say otherwise. Actions are what is important here. The point is, it's not your responsibility to make him see that he has a disease. It's his life, and he can live it how he wants, he is an adult. He has shown you that he wants to drink. Anything else is pacification, and not genuine. If it ain't genuine, it ain't gonna work.

I understand your strong feelings to this person. Many people were head over heels for their first love. You will not know if this man is in recovery, and committed to being sober, for at least a few years. And even then, how will you know he isn't lying to you about it, or something else. A liar is a liar is a liar.

Pay attention to the posts on here from the truly recovering alcoholics on this board. Go spend some time in the alcoholics forum, to learn about the disease, and see what true recovery looks like. Go to some open AA meetings, and Alanon.

Get some education for yourself, for YOUR sake. You are the one that is important here, not him. He's a big boy, and can take care of himself. We are concerned about you!

FindingPeace1

Tuffgirl and I share some things in common. We both saw our partners change when we started saying what didn't work for us about our partner's drinking.
My AH turned into a very sour man when I pushed back with his drinking.
He was so sweet and "perfect" before then, too.
But, just as has been said here, look at (just as I had to) why your partner whom you love and trust can LIE to you and you are considering staying in a relationship.
That's looney (I felt just like you did and reasoned why he wasn't a bad guy, didn't mean it, couldn't help himself, wanted to be a better person, blah blah blah) when you think about it.
What is it that has you make that acceptable in your mind?

We are here for ya.

p

marie1960

Rhodajinny,
I read your post three times. I can tell that you are hurting, and I am sorry. You say you have hopes and dreams. You just graduated from college, good for you. Sounds to me like you are a reasonable person, please do not let someone else take away what you have worked so hard to accomplish.
Maybe you need to get away for a bit, go visit a college friend, take alittle mini trip with a friend, do anything but sit home and dwell on the boyfriend.
From experience let me share that your relationship is a recipe for disaster. You have already experienced the lies, just the surface, what to look forward too, selfishness, more lies, lack of self control, more lies, inability to communicate, more lies, denial, arguments that will upset you, yet they won't even remember, more lies, manipulation, I could go on and on............ eventually the alcohol takes their brain and they are no longer the person you ever knew, I could go on and on...........
Do you truly find a man that is drunk on his butt attractive???? I find it so very unattractive. Your husband is supposed to be your lover, protector, partner, and friend. Chances are, he will be unable to be any of these things. Never settle for less.
You should be celebrating your educational accomplishments, job hunting, and starting your new life as a young responsible adult, the world is yours to have.... you have done everything right. There is a reason your family won't approve, they just want the best for you, and I do too.
We are all basically saying the same thing here, so we all can't be wrong, can we???? He has to fix himself, and he has to want it, and he sounds like he has a long way to go.
Be confident, strong, and focus on you............. best of luck to you

rhodajinny

I can't thank you guys enough. It is so kind to respond and let me know that you're supporting me. I really feel on my own for dealing with this -- I called my dad last night hoping talking to somebody would make me feel better, and he just said that I'm really overdoing this, that I'm acting so self-involved and self-centered, and he doesn't like what I'm becoming. He's upset that I'm not over it already. Of course after that I just called my ABF sobbing, and ironically he did make me feel better because he always says the nicest things. But if I can't be sad around anyone else, at least I can be here? I'll try to go to an Al-anon meeting, too, I'm just kinda nervous.

It's really nice to hear everyone's experiences and feel a little bit more resolved with my decision. And it is just really nice to read all the words of support. I love the nonjudgmental atmosphere here. I don't really find that anywhere else. Kittykitty, thank you for your posts. That analogy makes sense, and your first post really resonated with me.

I've noticed a lot on this board people mentioning that alcoholics are super charming and romantic, and some people even say that they are most attracted to alcoholics, that they fall in love with them a lot. I never heard of this before -- I didn't know alcoholics had some kind of personality type. I thought they were all different. Someone mentioned that alcoholics are experts at making people fall in love with them and that for sure is my guy to a tee. Reading that really surprised me. I'm glad I'm here, it seems that there's a lot to learn. Thank you for your honesty and support.

zrx1200R

Think of alcoholics as a parasite. They must have a host to survive. Another alcoholic makes a poor host. Two selfish and thoughtless people who only care for themselves would never be able to get along. They each need a host. Not another like themselves.

Once they meet someone like this, they run away. There is nothing for them.

So they keep on looking for an appropriate host. The must have someone who is: Kind, thoughtful, honest, loving, trustworthy, cheerful, and full of optimism. Once they find a person like this, they latch on. They know this is EXACTLY what THEY need. I truly believe this process takes place subconsciously. But I firmly believe it happens.

Since people like us have no idea people like them exist, we tend to not believe the reality when we see it. We make excuses. We tell ourselves how wonderful they are. Then we tell ourselves how wonderful they are when they are not drinking. Then we tell ourselves how wonderful they are when they are not drunk. Then we tell ourselves how wonderful they are when they are not crazy drunk and causing physical damage to us and our stuff. And through this process our ability to continue seeing only the good and not the bad is enhanced. We learn to block out and compartmentalize away all the bad behavior.

The years go by. Children grow up. Savings accounts are depleted with lawyer bills, hospital bills, and alcohol bills. There is never a dull moment. yet there is seldom peace. There is rarely quiet. Friends move on and choose not to socialize with us anymore. We find ourselves alone. Our parasite knows we won't do much. We fuss and make noise, and demand this and that. We give them 100's of "last" chances. But the parasite knows instinctively how to manipulate the host. They are very good at self preservation. Anytime we start to rattle the cages and start talking about having the parasite removed, they know exactly what to say. We believe them. We can't comprehend someone could be so selfish around people they supposedly "love". So we keep making excuses. We don't see that we have learned to compartmentalize it all away. We fail to realize just how good we are at forgetting all the bad times. We only know the good times. We know the sex is usually pretty good. We know we "love" the parasite. But in reality, the parasite is unable to love us back.

Then one day WE WAKE THE FRACK UP. And finally understand we have been living a delusion as well as the alcoholic.

I hope your day of awakening is this week. Not 25 years from now.

Choose wisely. It is simple. Stay or go. I've described what will happen if you stay. If you go, there is a fantastic world of opportunity waiting for you. And perhaps you can find a soul mate who is like you. One who is not a parasite, but a compliment to you. And together you are each stronger and better than you would be by yourselves.

Good luck.

Shellcrusher

Welcome to SR, rhodajinny.

I know you're new to obtaining information. This is all a big confusing emotional mess for you right now. As others have said, take a breath. We get it.

It's okay to slow down a bit and keep reading and asking questions. It helps.

My tip/experience? Family members are terrible sources of support for this stuff.