bruingirl

I stumbled on a gem of quacking today and thought I'd share it with you all so that you may get a chuckle out of it. =) Okay, and also kind of to vent, but more because I just think it's so dang delusional it's funny and less because I'm actually mad. I was checking my facebook and up on my news feed pops a status written by XABF:

"A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me" -Abraham Lincoln
..to which somebody else comments "maaan women are actually the first one to stab you lol"
...and then to which XABF comments "wait....oh sh** youre right!...damn abe is a fool"

Ummmmm.......really??? Hahaha, so let me just get this straight. Somehow you're gonna say that when I dealt with a year and a half of your crazy a**, babied you the entire time, tolerated the intolerable, and then YOU cheated on ME, that I hurt YOU and stabbed you in the back even??? Hope this means his relationship with the other girl (who he decided to make it official with post breakup) went up in the eventual flames it was bound to. Given the fact that this guy is clearly spending lots and lots of time in DELUSIONALVILLE where he is only ever the victim of us crazyyy women and never the attacker. QUACK!


Anyway, the more important thing is that I'm actually really proud of how I'm handling his stupid little comment. Old me would have wanted to fire back with my own status of how stupid men can be (read: crazy alcoholic men not all of them), but SR and al-anon have taught me well enough to know better! Nope, he ain't gonna get a single peep out of me no mo! =)

suki44883

Have you considered deleting him from your friends group?

bruingirl

Thought about it. But actually I think it's healthier for me to leave him on. When he writes stuff like this more than anything else it just validates to me that I'm making the right decision. Instead of getting caught up in the good things and looking back fondly it's a great reminder of just how delusional and messed up emotionally he WAS, IS, and WILL BE unless he finds recovery.

kittykitty

It looks like you are handling his comments with alot of resentment, anger, and bitterness. I am glad you brought it here, and didn't post it on facebook.

Is it helping your recovery to be reading his facebook page and comments? Renting him headspace in any way is asking for trouble... The quicker you can get him 100% out of your life, the easier it will be to move on. **

suki44883

You don't need validation from him or anyone else. You did what you felt was best for you. Period. Continuing to read his posts just keeps the whole thing alive when you leaving the relationship should have closed the lid on it.

bruingirl

Kittykitty I think it is actually the opposite. Like I said before, stuff like this is actually just a great reminder that I'm on the right path away from him. It's easier for me, personally, to move on that way.

I think it might have been kind of hard to read the tone in the initial post but I genuinely am not angry. I honestly think it's funny how somebody can have such distorted reality though

bruingirl

When I said validation, I didn't mean that I was getting it from him or anybody else. I mean that it was my OWN validation to myself.

I think this is being mistaken as something that brought me down and now I'm getting advice for how to fix it. But really I was just trying to say that I feel better and have come a long way. THAT was the important thing.

LexieCat

OK, so you've validated yourself.

I still don't think it's healthy to keep doing that. I understand--I did it for awhile, myself, but I DON'T think it was good for me to keep thinking about him, knowing what he is up to, looking at his thoughts. It was keeping me in the relationship I was trying to leave behind.

suki44883

Well, you are, of course, free to handle your recovery however you see fit. It just seems to me that if you are truly done with the relationship, then knowing what he does and thinks is just unnecessary. It sounds like you are using what he posts to be able to say, See?? I was right to leave. In that case, yes, you are using him to validate your decision to end the relationship.

StarCat

I understand the validation thing.

For awhile I would check for his car in the parking lot, and talk to the people who knew the both of us to try and absorb all I could about what he was doing.
Then I kept some physical things around, like his notes he'd write to me. "Make bed." "Do laundry." "Vacuum." "Clean refrigerator." He'd never do that himself, he'd "help" by telling me what he decided I needed to do. Those reminders helped.
Then I moved on to those unhealthy songs on the radio, that reminded me of what I lived with. You know the ones... That "I Love the Way You Lie" one is big with me because remove the physical details and add alcoholism to the mix and that was my "relationship" with XABF exactly.
Now I'm working my way off that, too. But it's a process.

I think whatever it takes to remind us when we need reminders that we're not going back, then it's a good thing.
Just don't hold on too long. When you don't need the reminder anymore, get rid of it. When climbing the ladder of recovery, there comes a time when the rung that was above us is now below us, and so something that was healthy progress before will now only drag us backwards.

As long as we recognize when that time arrives, and react accordingly, then we're good.