She comes home tomorrow
Programmaddict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
She comes home tomorrow
The problem has been there for every single day of our 12 year marriage.
The problem has always been a problem but it was late last year that it became the problem she wanted to keep and I did not.
I joined Al-Anon on 02/22/2011. She entered treatment on 05/16/2011.
I am in a headlong state of recovery and having 28 days to sort it out alone has been a huge breath of fresh air. Having just gone through family week at the center I can see she has actually grabbed hold of some recovery herself.
It's with some guilt that I say I am not looking forward to her return. I'm working hard to let it go. So far, everything that has taken place has been excellent for my recovery and I am willing to accept that this is just the next chapter.
Whether she goes back to drinking or not is largely irrelevant to me. She's been informed that should she choose to deviate from the path of recovery she will be asked to leave the house. She is okay with that.
It doesn't really help, though. Change is coming. My life of solitude is about to get a good shaking up.
I am as ready as I think I can be. 8-10 Al-Anon meetings a week and looking to do the treatment center's Early Recovery Group. I can imagine that we really won't see much of each other and we can probably use the time we do positively but really, I'm enjoying having the place to myself and no one to answer to but myself and HP.
I know I'm projecting the future which is unwritten and doing so is detrimental to recovery... which is why I'm putting it out here.
The problem has always been a problem but it was late last year that it became the problem she wanted to keep and I did not.
I joined Al-Anon on 02/22/2011. She entered treatment on 05/16/2011.
I am in a headlong state of recovery and having 28 days to sort it out alone has been a huge breath of fresh air. Having just gone through family week at the center I can see she has actually grabbed hold of some recovery herself.
It's with some guilt that I say I am not looking forward to her return. I'm working hard to let it go. So far, everything that has taken place has been excellent for my recovery and I am willing to accept that this is just the next chapter.
Whether she goes back to drinking or not is largely irrelevant to me. She's been informed that should she choose to deviate from the path of recovery she will be asked to leave the house. She is okay with that.
It doesn't really help, though. Change is coming. My life of solitude is about to get a good shaking up.
I am as ready as I think I can be. 8-10 Al-Anon meetings a week and looking to do the treatment center's Early Recovery Group. I can imagine that we really won't see much of each other and we can probably use the time we do positively but really, I'm enjoying having the place to myself and no one to answer to but myself and HP.
I know I'm projecting the future which is unwritten and doing so is detrimental to recovery... which is why I'm putting it out here.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome,
Yup, only time will tell what will become of your marriage. Some relationships don't survive the damage done by alcoholism, even when both partners are committed to recovery. Some do.
There isn't any rush to figure things out. If, indeed, she is committed to recovery, things will be a lot different, but it will undoubtedly be better than the insanity of active drinking. Recovery can still be very tough on both partners, though. Those who are in early recovery have barely gotten their first marbles back. Go easy on yourself. Sounds like you've done a lot of good work on detachment, which will serve you well.
Hugs, hope things go well.
Yup, only time will tell what will become of your marriage. Some relationships don't survive the damage done by alcoholism, even when both partners are committed to recovery. Some do.
There isn't any rush to figure things out. If, indeed, she is committed to recovery, things will be a lot different, but it will undoubtedly be better than the insanity of active drinking. Recovery can still be very tough on both partners, though. Those who are in early recovery have barely gotten their first marbles back. Go easy on yourself. Sounds like you've done a lot of good work on detachment, which will serve you well.
Hugs, hope things go well.
Programmaddict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Sounds like you've done a lot of good work on detachment, which will serve you well.
I see it now as an effect of the disease. I am powerless over the occurrences but not over how I will react to them. Right now, it takes quite a bit of effort to even recognize it and even more effort to swallow all the resent and pain and drop the shields and actually be emotionally vulnerable in her presence. The disease wishes me to stop feeling.
I would agree that it will serve me well to have taken detachment to this extreme so that I can learn to work it back towards "... with love" instead of trying to find it amidst the entanglements of an emotional storm. But, boy, am I an emotional wreck when I do let the feelings flow. Relating to her everything, and I mean EVERYTHING comes out choking on tears.
She, of course, greatly appreciates this but my disease tells me that she is relishing in my vulnerability and that I should put the shields back up pronto.
Trusting her with my feelings is probably my biggest piece of work in front of me. At least I get some practice at it in meetings.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,320
I have no experience to share, other than I agree with Lexie - this will take time, I think. I didn't have any idea who I was or what I wanted when I first got sober.
Welcome to SR programmatic - best wishes to you and your wife
D
Welcome to SR programmatic - best wishes to you and your wife
D
Programmaddict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
Well, she came home while I was at work. She called me later in the afternoon completely drained. The old gears started turning and I'll be damned if when I came home the whole pit of stomach and mind racing was just like it was in the good ole days. She had already left and my nose was in hyperdrive sniffing the air. All her stuff was strewed about the house and I noticed her workbook laying open. Like a total jerk I thumbed through it and my mouth literally fell open at the stuff I saw.
If she even half meant half the stuff I saw in there there's going to be whole new recovery game in the house and it's going to be good. The stuff was so positive I just quit reading and felt a deep sense of relief and comfort. I'm telling myself HP wanted me to see that stuff.
I'm actually looking forward to where all of this goes, now. Even if the marriage dissolves for some reason, if she is truly in recovery it will all have been worth it. I'm wishing her well with her journey and getting on with mine.
I was just thinking if me coming home sent me spinning I can only imagine the effect on her seeing as she hasn't seen the place in 28 days.
If she even half meant half the stuff I saw in there there's going to be whole new recovery game in the house and it's going to be good. The stuff was so positive I just quit reading and felt a deep sense of relief and comfort. I'm telling myself HP wanted me to see that stuff.
I'm actually looking forward to where all of this goes, now. Even if the marriage dissolves for some reason, if she is truly in recovery it will all have been worth it. I'm wishing her well with her journey and getting on with mine.
I was just thinking if me coming home sent me spinning I can only imagine the effect on her seeing as she hasn't seen the place in 28 days.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,448
Wow, I'm so glad to read your last post and see that you are feeling more peaceful about the situation.
I truly hope that your wife continues her recovery. Many of us do recover, as you will see if you read around here.
Best wishes to you and your wife.
I truly hope that your wife continues her recovery. Many of us do recover, as you will see if you read around here.
Best wishes to you and your wife.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, now don't read her workbook anymore.
I know you didn't intend to, and I'm glad what you did see made you feel a little more hopeful. But she's gotta do her own work without you looking over her shoulder.
There will be ups and downs. My first husband got sober 31 years ago (before we got married) and when things would get tense, I sometimes told him, "Look, I'm going out for a bit because I can't help you with this. Why don't you call [sponsor]?" I'd come back after awhile and he'd be more balanced after making that call.
If she really wants it, great things can happen and you're right--it's wonderful if she gets well even if the marriage doesn't make it. I later divorced my husband (reasons unrelated to alcoholism) and we are still excellent friends to this day. He has been my biggest supporter since I got sober almost three years ago. AA really does change people, and we get to become who we were always meant to be.
I know you didn't intend to, and I'm glad what you did see made you feel a little more hopeful. But she's gotta do her own work without you looking over her shoulder.
There will be ups and downs. My first husband got sober 31 years ago (before we got married) and when things would get tense, I sometimes told him, "Look, I'm going out for a bit because I can't help you with this. Why don't you call [sponsor]?" I'd come back after awhile and he'd be more balanced after making that call.
If she really wants it, great things can happen and you're right--it's wonderful if she gets well even if the marriage doesn't make it. I later divorced my husband (reasons unrelated to alcoholism) and we are still excellent friends to this day. He has been my biggest supporter since I got sober almost three years ago. AA really does change people, and we get to become who we were always meant to be.
Programmaddict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
Wow, what a mess!
She demands compassion but has none to offer. She demands to know every aspect of my business even though I'm staying out of hers. She shows zero affection whatsoever and occasionally when I'm trying to give it I get accused of trying to check her breath (I'm not). She so far has accused me of ransacking through her stuff while she was in treatment (I didn't) and cheating with another woman last night since I was "late" coming home from an Al-Anon meeting (can't imagine why I stayed a little longer).
Communication is basically impossible. I'm doing the best I can to let it begin with me. I've really focused on dropping all resentment, anger and defensiveness. I never thought she would be sober in bed and I would still feel just as alone as when she was passed out drunk in bed.
I'm hoping this can only improve but it sure seems like right now she found sobriety and lost any love for me. She's been home 2 days, all day long but I'm still having to do every single thing around the house right down to feeding the dogs in the afternoon.
She seemed pretty happy go lucky in the last week of treatment, was quite flirty, laughing and hinting about sex. Total opposite person came home, though.
She demands compassion but has none to offer. She demands to know every aspect of my business even though I'm staying out of hers. She shows zero affection whatsoever and occasionally when I'm trying to give it I get accused of trying to check her breath (I'm not). She so far has accused me of ransacking through her stuff while she was in treatment (I didn't) and cheating with another woman last night since I was "late" coming home from an Al-Anon meeting (can't imagine why I stayed a little longer).
Communication is basically impossible. I'm doing the best I can to let it begin with me. I've really focused on dropping all resentment, anger and defensiveness. I never thought she would be sober in bed and I would still feel just as alone as when she was passed out drunk in bed.
I'm hoping this can only improve but it sure seems like right now she found sobriety and lost any love for me. She's been home 2 days, all day long but I'm still having to do every single thing around the house right down to feeding the dogs in the afternoon.
She seemed pretty happy go lucky in the last week of treatment, was quite flirty, laughing and hinting about sex. Total opposite person came home, though.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Early sobriety is HARD. She is only home for two days. Be patient as you can. Stick with your meetings and work on detaching from some of the crazy stuff you are likely to be hearing for a little while. Time will tell if she is really working her program.
Programmaddict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
It helps a lot just to type out my frustrations. It lets me review my own thoughts in a semi-third person way and any feedback is immensely helpful.
I can plainly see where my focus is and I can see I've got some work to do in keeping it on me.
I can plainly see where my focus is and I can see I've got some work to do in keeping it on me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
This is a big adjustment time for both of you.
That does not mean anyone gets a pass for acting like a poop.
You can only help yourself, I'm so glad you found the path of recovery for yourself.
That does not mean anyone gets a pass for acting like a poop.
You can only help yourself, I'm so glad you found the path of recovery for yourself.
Programmaddict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
The way it feels right now is that I was just one big alcoholic mistake in her life. Now that she's done with alcohol she's done with me. I'm the only one making any effort (that I can see) and the only one saying "I Love You".
It hurts really deeply since although I had earlier accepted that the marriage may end I just didn't know I had to accept that her love would just disappear. I'm working on that, now. The hurt is stupendous because I know I'll always love her even if she never loves me again. I just refuse to be used and manipulated any more just because I do love her.
Yeah, it's only been 2 days but when you live one day at a time and you've been madly in love for 12 years does that really matter?
It hurts really deeply since although I had earlier accepted that the marriage may end I just didn't know I had to accept that her love would just disappear. I'm working on that, now. The hurt is stupendous because I know I'll always love her even if she never loves me again. I just refuse to be used and manipulated any more just because I do love her.
Yeah, it's only been 2 days but when you live one day at a time and you've been madly in love for 12 years does that really matter?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 426
I can't really offer you any advice but wanted you to know I'm feeling for you. My dad came home from a 30 day treatment when I was a Freshman in high school. One regret I have is that we as a family never went to family week OR Al-Anon to understand what would change besides him not drinking. It sounds like you are doing the RIGHT things and you are approaching it very pragmatically. I appreciate your level-headedness and honesty.
Hugs.
Hugs.
Programmaddict
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: God's Hands
Posts: 217
I would be in a billion pieces were it not for Al-Anon. My recovery went to a much deeper place when I went through Family Week. I had never really seen how much the disease affected to me prior to Family Week.
How anyone makes it through without these tools is beyond me. This place is just awesome, HP brought me to this resource at the perfect time. I am extremely grateful for everyone here.
How anyone makes it through without these tools is beyond me. This place is just awesome, HP brought me to this resource at the perfect time. I am extremely grateful for everyone here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: west jordan utah
Posts: 3
Programmatic,
thank you so much for sharing!!! I can relate on many levels and i think its incredible how positive you are!!! I too love this web sight and all the support that ppl give. Its very uplifting!!!! Thank you to all of you. Sorry i feel silly, like im rambling but it so nice not to feel alone!!!! Programmatic, im sorry your hurting and i wish you lots of happiness from here on out.
thank you so much for sharing!!! I can relate on many levels and i think its incredible how positive you are!!! I too love this web sight and all the support that ppl give. Its very uplifting!!!! Thank you to all of you. Sorry i feel silly, like im rambling but it so nice not to feel alone!!!! Programmatic, im sorry your hurting and i wish you lots of happiness from here on out.
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