Screaming for Help and no one is listening
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 281
Screaming for Help and no one is listening
Hi everyone,
I am not new to SR but have not been here for awhile. Long story short I am suffering from terrible grief, the past four years have been horrendous - I starting drinking again four years ago after a 5 year stint at sobriety.
I have lost sooo many loved ones the past 4 years that I am bingeing on the weekends to numb my fears and deep grief. Just recently I lost two of my best friends within two months, it's absolutely brutal. I am drinking to blackout stage and am seriously scared I won't wake up after a dangerous binge. Once I start I don't want to stop.
I don't want to drink anymore, but everyone around me drinks, but my drinking has gotten way out of hand when I do drink. I don't drink during the week but I know that doesn't mean I don't have a problem. I have a major problem because the past year I have been drinking to oblivion. I had a stretch of 4 months sober after a terrible embarrassed drinking episode and starting drinking again around Christmas.
I am ready but scared, I feel more addicted to it than I ever have, progression is taking over....
I am taking the first step today by coming back and am praying for sobriety again, I know how wonderful it its.
IMT
I am not new to SR but have not been here for awhile. Long story short I am suffering from terrible grief, the past four years have been horrendous - I starting drinking again four years ago after a 5 year stint at sobriety.
I have lost sooo many loved ones the past 4 years that I am bingeing on the weekends to numb my fears and deep grief. Just recently I lost two of my best friends within two months, it's absolutely brutal. I am drinking to blackout stage and am seriously scared I won't wake up after a dangerous binge. Once I start I don't want to stop.
I don't want to drink anymore, but everyone around me drinks, but my drinking has gotten way out of hand when I do drink. I don't drink during the week but I know that doesn't mean I don't have a problem. I have a major problem because the past year I have been drinking to oblivion. I had a stretch of 4 months sober after a terrible embarrassed drinking episode and starting drinking again around Christmas.
I am ready but scared, I feel more addicted to it than I ever have, progression is taking over....
I am taking the first step today by coming back and am praying for sobriety again, I know how wonderful it its.
IMT
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome back!
I'm very sorry for the losses you've had in your life. And, I know that grief is a process you need to work through and be patient with.
I'm glad you've decided to stop drinking.
I'm very sorry for the losses you've had in your life. And, I know that grief is a process you need to work through and be patient with.
I'm glad you've decided to stop drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Glad you're here. The first step to recovery is taking action against your problems. One is to admit you have a problem and two, is to seek help and support -this you all know, I'm sure. If I were you, I would seek addiction and grief counseling and try to get these wounds healed.
Wishing you peace and strength.
Wishing you peace and strength.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Welcome back indeed! As you know, sobriety is hard at first but it gradually gets better and one thing is sure- the alcoholic alternative can get really bad. It is sad indeed that you have lost so many loved ones. But would they have wanted you to become miserable drinking over that? Perhaps you might say to yourself, "I'm going to try for permanent sobriety as a memorial to those whom I have lost!" (And also as a gift to yourself). Hoping that they have gone towards the sunshine and have found peace, may you also now start on the path of the recovery, finding sunshine and peace. You owe it to them. You owe it to yourself. Every good wish.
W.
W.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Ca.
Posts: 315
So sorry for your loses of your loved ones. Hope you can find some strength and purpose to get yourself up and get some grief counseling, or even, just go talk to your family physician and see if he can recommend some options/contacts for you to seek out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 281
Thanks everyone,
I have gone to grief counselling many times , my losses actually started 26 years ago when I lost my mom at 21. I know the path of destruction is wrong and I have stood up to it today for the last time. I poured the bottle of wine down the drain, there are two unopened bottle of booze that I am going to give away, unopened bottles don't tempt me so I know it won't be a problem, I hope if I open one of them I will pour it down the drain. I hardly drank at all this weekend but this weekend I finally had my moment of clarity, I don't want to die before my time and that's that.
I had a great talk with my hubby, who use to like the party girl but has become fearful of where she is going and he is sooo happy and ready to support me in any way. He remembers how happy and content I was sober and I need that person back asap.
Having many teary moments today, not for the loss of my liquid painreliever, but tears of relief that I am finally ready to rid myself of this addiction forever, not until I lose weight or not until the next party. I am ready to admit to my friends I have a problem and if they don't want to be around me because I am not drinking, then it's their loss.
Thanks and I will keep coming back. First thing is starting my fitness routine again, I have gained 20 pounds in over a year....
I have gone to grief counselling many times , my losses actually started 26 years ago when I lost my mom at 21. I know the path of destruction is wrong and I have stood up to it today for the last time. I poured the bottle of wine down the drain, there are two unopened bottle of booze that I am going to give away, unopened bottles don't tempt me so I know it won't be a problem, I hope if I open one of them I will pour it down the drain. I hardly drank at all this weekend but this weekend I finally had my moment of clarity, I don't want to die before my time and that's that.
I had a great talk with my hubby, who use to like the party girl but has become fearful of where she is going and he is sooo happy and ready to support me in any way. He remembers how happy and content I was sober and I need that person back asap.
Having many teary moments today, not for the loss of my liquid painreliever, but tears of relief that I am finally ready to rid myself of this addiction forever, not until I lose weight or not until the next party. I am ready to admit to my friends I have a problem and if they don't want to be around me because I am not drinking, then it's their loss.
Thanks and I will keep coming back. First thing is starting my fitness routine again, I have gained 20 pounds in over a year....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 426
Awesome! Glad you did the "pour"! And I just went back to the gym for the first time a few days ago. Good for you!! I'm excited to see a few pounds come off because it's the best motivator.
My huz loved my fun-loving party girl persona too, when we first met. That girl started disappearing after 3 drinks but that didn't mean the drinks stopped. And I had many an embarrassing episode occur in the past few years. We had our first entire sober weekend just now, and it was actually nice. He said he likes it much better when I'm sober and clear than having drinks together at lunch or dinner. When together, we used to sit at the bar in a restaurant and talk and eat and I was afraid of losing that. Yesterday we went to a Starbucks and sat and had coffee and talked and, it wasn't any different, really (except a lot cheaper)!
I'm with you 100% and here for you too. I have a feeling this week may be harder than last, so let's all be in this together.
My huz loved my fun-loving party girl persona too, when we first met. That girl started disappearing after 3 drinks but that didn't mean the drinks stopped. And I had many an embarrassing episode occur in the past few years. We had our first entire sober weekend just now, and it was actually nice. He said he likes it much better when I'm sober and clear than having drinks together at lunch or dinner. When together, we used to sit at the bar in a restaurant and talk and eat and I was afraid of losing that. Yesterday we went to a Starbucks and sat and had coffee and talked and, it wasn't any different, really (except a lot cheaper)!
I'm with you 100% and here for you too. I have a feeling this week may be harder than last, so let's all be in this together.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Throw away the unopened bottles. Pour them down the drain, NOW. Booze isn't such a treasure that it has to be given away. You already said, "IF I open them, I hope..." So much for the unopened bottle not being a temptation. Why else might you open one? Do it now, while you can.
Praying for sobriety never got me anywhere. It took humbly dragging my butt to an AA meeting and admitting that I can't do it on my own.
I, too, am sorry for your losses. I'm sure there is grief work to do. But you can't grieve properly with an addled brain.
Pray, but take ACTION.
Praying for sobriety never got me anywhere. It took humbly dragging my butt to an AA meeting and admitting that I can't do it on my own.
I, too, am sorry for your losses. I'm sure there is grief work to do. But you can't grieve properly with an addled brain.
Pray, but take ACTION.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
welcome back itsmytime 
I'm sorry for your losses too - I know grief is one of the hardest things to get through, but I think that's all the more reason to stop drinking...so you can actually get through the grief, and not flounder around in it.
Good to have you here again
D
I'm sorry for your losses too - I know grief is one of the hardest things to get through, but I think that's all the more reason to stop drinking...so you can actually get through the grief, and not flounder around in it.
Good to have you here again
D
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
itsmytime,
If you want different results, do it different this time. Add lots to your recovery plan. You sound like me last year, after years of drinking and two years of trying I made that same decision out of desperation. I am glad you are seeing that you can deal with your issues sober better than drunk too.
If you want different results, do it different this time. Add lots to your recovery plan. You sound like me last year, after years of drinking and two years of trying I made that same decision out of desperation. I am glad you are seeing that you can deal with your issues sober better than drunk too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
I'm really impressed with the way you seem to be getting into recovery! Losing loved ones is a source of great sorrow and you have my deepest sympathy. Let me tell you however about the tricks my addicted mind played on me when I was drinking. Every time I ended up in a hospital and they asked me why I drank so much I would start to talk about the deaths of my sister and her son many, many years ago (1968 and 1972) and of a much loved cousin in 1946 as well as my dad in 1956. "Poor me!" my brain kept saying. "How can I ever get over this?" "I guess I drink because.... because...because."
Well it took me a very long time (forty years) to figure out that it was really the addiction talking, my addicted brain figuring out lots of "reasons" why I was drinking. But the truth was that I drank because I was addicted, because I was an alcoholic (and am now a recovering one). The real facts were that I had become addicted and my brain was desperately seeking some sort of "reason" for what had happened to me and, even worse, some "reason" why I might "need" another drink. The alcohol had taken over and this was the "explanation" which was being put forward to account for what had happened.
So I sat in the offices of psychiatrists, counselors, etc. for many many years talking about all this stuff and (surprise!) it never seemed to do any good, except for the bank accounts of those who were seeking to "treat" me. My recovery started only when I managed to acknowledge that it was useless to keep pursuing any "why" for what had happened and the only way out for me was to start looking for the "how", namely how to quit. And for this I needed some kind of group support, AA in my case, actually an Agnostics group, but it could have been some other kind of group. What I learned was that I couldn't do it alone and 1-1 counseling just got me nowhere and kept me from beginning recovery for years on end.
Good luck.
W.
Well it took me a very long time (forty years) to figure out that it was really the addiction talking, my addicted brain figuring out lots of "reasons" why I was drinking. But the truth was that I drank because I was addicted, because I was an alcoholic (and am now a recovering one). The real facts were that I had become addicted and my brain was desperately seeking some sort of "reason" for what had happened to me and, even worse, some "reason" why I might "need" another drink. The alcohol had taken over and this was the "explanation" which was being put forward to account for what had happened.
So I sat in the offices of psychiatrists, counselors, etc. for many many years talking about all this stuff and (surprise!) it never seemed to do any good, except for the bank accounts of those who were seeking to "treat" me. My recovery started only when I managed to acknowledge that it was useless to keep pursuing any "why" for what had happened and the only way out for me was to start looking for the "how", namely how to quit. And for this I needed some kind of group support, AA in my case, actually an Agnostics group, but it could have been some other kind of group. What I learned was that I couldn't do it alone and 1-1 counseling just got me nowhere and kept me from beginning recovery for years on end.
Good luck.
W.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Hi IMT,
Im glad you have come back & looking for support. Grief is a hard journey, I know, I have lost family members too.
When I lost my sister, my world came tumbling down (she was my best friend), I started drinking nearly every night to dull the pain (but in actual fact, it was spiralling the pain).
I too knew that this was not doing me any good and I didnt care. I just wanted to be with my sister.
It wasnt until someone said this to me, that I took notice of what I was doing. "You are just like the way you were, when your father died". WHAT I thought, me, and it was true. I was becoming them.
I still get sad but every time I think I'll just have a glass, I think of how good I feel when I dont. I dont need it, I need a happy life.
I dont need alcohol to remember them, do you know what I mean?
JJ
Im glad you have come back & looking for support. Grief is a hard journey, I know, I have lost family members too.
When I lost my sister, my world came tumbling down (she was my best friend), I started drinking nearly every night to dull the pain (but in actual fact, it was spiralling the pain).
I too knew that this was not doing me any good and I didnt care. I just wanted to be with my sister.
It wasnt until someone said this to me, that I took notice of what I was doing. "You are just like the way you were, when your father died". WHAT I thought, me, and it was true. I was becoming them.
I still get sad but every time I think I'll just have a glass, I think of how good I feel when I dont. I dont need it, I need a happy life.
I dont need alcohol to remember them, do you know what I mean?
JJ
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
Oh justjo, exactly the same for me. I am so sorry you have lost your sister. So sorry. I lost my sister and best friend 3 years ago - her anniversary will be June 27th 
She was only 34 and died from a cancerous brain tumor. It was awful to witness and very quick. That's when my drinking started to really spiral downward. I wanted to be with her too, but I wasn't acknowledging it in that way..just trying to escape from having to deal. I was just totally miserable. It wasn't until I was seconds from dying from choking on my vomit in my sleep after a white wine binge that I realized I didn't want to join her...I wanted to live. I am now, properly!
Sorry for your losses, also to Itsmytime...I feel your pain. I don't think I ever grieved properly for the loss of my sister because I was drinking to numb that grief. Now I am sober, I am finally thinking about things clearly. I know I have grieving work to do, but it's kind of okay in my world now. I know you can find this too. Hugs.
She was only 34 and died from a cancerous brain tumor. It was awful to witness and very quick. That's when my drinking started to really spiral downward. I wanted to be with her too, but I wasn't acknowledging it in that way..just trying to escape from having to deal. I was just totally miserable. It wasn't until I was seconds from dying from choking on my vomit in my sleep after a white wine binge that I realized I didn't want to join her...I wanted to live. I am now, properly!Sorry for your losses, also to Itsmytime...I feel your pain. I don't think I ever grieved properly for the loss of my sister because I was drinking to numb that grief. Now I am sober, I am finally thinking about things clearly. I know I have grieving work to do, but it's kind of okay in my world now. I know you can find this too. Hugs.
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