zanido1991

Im beginning to feel like I am the stupidest person in the world. I started detaching from my from my ABF and he is being a complete jerk. He deleted me and my family off of his FB and has started various other rude behaviors. It makes me wonder if he ever really liked me at all, or just saw me as a way to perpetuate his addiction i.e. driving him around, listening to his sob stories, telling him he is great when he is actually killing himself. I thought I would be sad, but I am actually quite angry the more I think about it.

LaPinturaBella

The fact that you're getting angry is good. It means you value yourself and you're getting sick and tired of being treated like cr*p.

I'm sure he did like you, he did care...as much as he is capable of. And that is the rub, people in active addition are so emotionally shut down they really aren't capable of feeling much of anything...except the pull of their DOC and the need to deaden their pain. This may sound trite, but it is true...it's not personal. It really isn't. This is what they do.

And the good news is, it can only get better for YOU from this point forward.

forgotten1

zanido--for me, it's been five months and i STILL cycle through that--feeling stupid... then i get angry... then in a day or two i miss him and think about how it's not possible he walked away... he and i truly had love for each other... love was real with us... i "know" this... etc... then the cycle starts all over again.

i think i have to learn that both extremes are true... that on one hand he threw away everything we had for alcohol... and on the other, that he and i did have real love between us... he basically has two people living in him--the man and and the alcoholic man... unfortunately, and this is the thing that i punch my pillow about now... alcoholism wins in most cases, especially when i get repeated validations that he is NO WHERE NEAR recovery--i dont think he is even near enough to see a beam of light that's how far he is. it's unfair--people's souls and lives shouldn't be taken away from them--but it happens... and this is something i am just now having to realize... that in "real" life... that in "my" existence... these things can happen. these things can happen to good people... it's unfair. yes, this is what i punch my pillow about.

dollydo

Anger serves a purpose in the grieving process, venting here will help you to work through it.

Sometimes there are no answers to anothers behavior and it is best to just let go and move forward with your life.

m1k3

Zan, I agree that anger is just a step in your recovery. One other thing to consider is that anger has a physical effect on your body. I have found that a good exercise program helps deal with that as well as making you feel better. Has something to with endorphins I think. Besides that it gives you another area in your life where you have control, I''m beginning to see for my recovery that reestablishing control over parts of my life is really important to me.

Your friend,

kittykitty

Have you tried Alanon? There are many people there who can offer support and wisdom during this difficult time for you.

You broke up with him, you made the right decision. Now you see him for what he truly is, and eventually you might be glad he is out of your life. Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages, as one member put it. Be glad that you are free of the drama, and the potential misery down the road. Read some other threads here, you'll be glad you got out when you did.

zanido1991

Thank you guys. It is a vicious cycle. I feel sad, then angry, then guilty, than sad. It is like being on a rollercoaster that only goes down. I wish I could keep him out of my thoughts and dreams. It seems like whereever I go there are reminders of him, his friends hang out where I do, his music is playing everywhere, I keep finding his stuff all over my house. I know I made the right decision, but it still hurts that I had to make it, and it still hurts that he doesn't care that I am gone. He is probably too drunk to even notice. :-( I have gotten over relationships before, but this one hurts the most because I don't think that either one of us had control over the demise -- only the alcohol did.

barb dwyer

Zan -

one thing I *had* to do
was get his 'essense' out of my house.
I gathered up all his stuff
even shaving cream
and put it in a box
and left it on his 'new' front porch.

another really DEEP one
I buried in a horse pasture.
had a funeral for the relationship and everything.
The horses thought I was nuts
but they were respectfully quiet
during the whole thing.

I'm talking a TYPEWRITER.
I buried a box that contained
among other things
a TYPEWRITER of this guy.
lol
It's a hoot now
but when it was happening
it was the saddest thing
I'd done to date.

you might have to put it all in a box
and put it in the basement
or
(like I did with ONE of them)
set it on fire in the front yard.

LOL

that's 'kinda' a joke.

anyway -
to reclaim your living space
is essential.
having that stuff lying around
or even hidden away in a drawer
is like the people
who bring their tonsils home
in a jar.

I think that'd be a good moving forward project for you.
just sayin

LaPinturaBella

I hear ya on that. I felt the same way. It's illogical, feels so...pointless. But now that I've been out for 8 months, I see it was a gift. It led me to working on me. It led me to me defining who I am, what I want out of life. It lead me to realizing my job right now is to falling love with myself...head over heels. And it lead me, FINALLY, to truly believing that I AM ALL THAT! A healthy man will be thrilled to have me in his life, because I DO have SO MUCH TO OFFER. And you know what, Zanido??? SO DO YOU!

LaPinturaBella

And by the way...you are NOT even remotely stupid. You trusted, you loved. Those are GOOD qualities. If you are stupid, then so is every other person on this board. And something tells me that is a HUGE lie!

TakingCharge999

I know that feeling LOL

Ok you are not stupid!! you are just a human being going through some challenging times...

Imagine if he was still a BF... he would be a jerk with you!! at least he is a jerk with other people now, whew that is good news.

I had an EXABF like that, and someone here told me that is why he was an EXABF. If he was compassionate, respectful.. we might have been able to move forward... use his examples of disrespect, rudeness etc as confirmation you are better off without him even if it hurts at first.

Good for you and your family, so you don´t have to suffer him anymore. EXABF didn´t delete me and he had put he was single before I even left, a few days afterwards was with someone else and pasting pictures of him kissing his GF in the beach... I suffered a lot every time I heard or saw something about him. I suggest you not only delete him but block him too and also to change his contact name in your mobile to "Drunken jerk" so you don't answer if he calls you.


I wondered the same, I personally think we were feeding each other in toxic manners. He was looking for someone to drink with, have sex, someone to insult.. the minute I realized I did not deserve to be treated a way it seemed to me I was thrown away like a napkin.

Anyway I was also using him, to keep ignoring myself and my needs, to have a reason to be depressed about... in therapy I learned how I replayed the story of my parents...

I suffered for MONTHS then I talked this with a therapist and my life started to change... also, I didn´t go to Alanon but had an AA near my apartment so I went, and listened to alcoholics that have recovered, and got lots of validation when they talked about their wives, their daughters and their girlfriends... there was a young man saying how selfish he acted with his girlfriend... it was soothing to hear from others what I didn´t hear from XABF, how what they did was wrong, how sorry they were and how better off are people that they knew when they were active addicts.

So, for me AA was also a life saver, I could go and cry and remember´I had to stay away from EXABF for 24 hours and make it to the next AA. It was difficult because I worked and still work with him, also had him and his friends around all the time, reminders all over the city, triggers, I was a MESS but AA,therapy,SR started being my support and it was a huge difference when I was able to share how I felt during the day.

I read about codependency and my suffering has a name now. So I also have ways to identify it and be very aware of not behaving like that, little by little... get "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty, she also has another one "The Grief club" which is a wonderful book about going through different losses in life, including losing an alcoholic...


In therapy I realized that my dad can say cute things but he acts like the selfish man he is. Realizing this has helped me be compassionate with myself and realize that was the example of a man I had, that is why this EXABF saying nice things and acting selfishly was my choice. It was all I knew. Doesn´t make me stupid nor a failure... I was just unconscious there can be better relationships, that there are healthy men out there, and that I deserve to rewrite my story and allow more joy and love in it

Get the inner work done so the next one is not as toxic as this EX... I say this because after EXABF I had another BF, which is also a jerk even if he doesn´t drink. Don´t lose your time...

TakingCharge999

I joined a gym with box, kick boxing and I can´t tell you how great it is to punch something and imagine its someone who hurt you! anger gets out, you generate the good ol endorphines, sleep, look and feel better... and meet new people...well, for me I had to mourn more than a year to even consider this, but I finally went and am glad I have an outlet for the anger now... do you have any particular sport you enjoy?

TakingCharge999

No, the vicious cycle is over and was the one where we seek love from someone unable to give it because they don´t have it for themselves either.
You are in the "forgiving cycle" or "healing cycle" now. All those feelings are normal...

Takes inner work and time. More inner work than time alone IMHO.
Write letters adressed to him and trash them or burn them (safely). I did this many times, very healing.


Hang out somewhere else. At least for now. At least that is what I did in order to keep the 1% of sanity still left.


Change the radio station, turn off the radio, and/or get earplugs.



Barb already gave advice about this one!!! very good, barb!! LOL


And that is why he won´t be a partner to you or to anyone, he is in full on
Evasion Mode. Read other threads to see how this goes when you are married and have kids. Read the ACOA section to see how this goes for the kids.
You don´t know if he cares or not, perhaps he keeps drinking for the added sadness of your loss. You will never know. Maybe he doesn´t know either. And it doesn´t matter, because he is not good for you anyway. What he wants or feels or thinks or ignores or evades is not relevant. You are the one we care about here ..

Breaking up with XABF was also the worst breakup for me..other ex´s look like angels now and the breakups look easy in comparison... and no they are not poor helpless victims, they could have chosen to stop drinking and be honest and get their life in order.

But they didn´t. Its their right to do what they want with their life. And its our right not to be silent witnesses to slow suicide. Its suicide. A smile from a drunken person is not human warmth. A drunk person laughing is not a happy person. People that know a person drinks too much, and still drink with him or her, are not friends. Drunken sex is not passion. Denial is not peace. None of that is love, its a cheap caricature. Visual likeness without depth. A cheap caricature is not living. At least not for me, anyway. I suffered thinking he was the one who got friends, romance, etc etc and loved life and knew how to live it to the fullest and I was sad and stupid...

NOW.. I finally get it, and I am the one on my road to REAL warmth, happiness, friends, passion (applied to everything in life not only sex), peace, love. I am the one blessed with authenticity and that has the ability to enjoy all those things with my heart fully present... and you are, too... you just don´t see it yet.



My EXABF told me that if I didn´t like his drinking, the door was open, because he was planning on drinking the rest of his life.

2.5 years later I have learned so much and have never felt healthier... keep being honest with yourself and you´ll get so many gifts!! I am starting to have new girlfriends, and to hang out with healthier men, to me its also important to start redefining that male figure.

Its very satisfying to me to invest in friendships where I receive love, attention, when pthers make me laugh, where I feel SAFE and can be myself... after your mourning subsides you´ll be a "Reloaded" version of yourself, stronger and wiser. Your story goes on !

Midnight is where the day begins, as the U2 song says..

zanido1991

I felt better today. I do need to find a sport or some other form of exercise to participate in. I didn't realize how my thoughts of his slow suicide were consuming my life. Today I laughed, really laughed and I can't remember the last time I did that. And I didn't feel this horrible sense of desperation that has been so overwhelming. I am a long way from healed, but today I saw a light.

Freedom1990

This is progress, my dear! I can really relate to laughing for the first time in a long time.

Be gentle with yourself!