KRA

This is my first post. My domestic partner of 3 years is an alcoholic. She attempted suicide this past October. Last weekend, she got drunk and broke nearly everything in our apartment. I was worried about her safety and mine. I called the police and she was taken to the hospital. She works in the medical field, and the hospital she was taken to reported her to their ethics board for alcoholism. She hasn't been given a treatment plan, but I suspect she is going to be forced to go to AA or other recovery programs if she wants to keep her job.

She blames me. Says it is all my fault that she is going to have to go to treatment to keep her job. Says it is my fault if she looses her job.

A few hours ago she wanted to borrow the only pair of shorts I own. I said she couldn't borrow them since they are the only pair I own. She took them any way. I asked her again not to take them since I only had one pair. She took them off, kicked me out of the apartment for an hour or so, and tore the apt apart. She threw every item of clothing, every towel, and every sheet on the floor. Told me to go look for my clothes. Told me I was selfish.

Will this behavior ever end? I want to help my girlfriend, don't want her to self-destruct, but also don't want to be abused by her. Is this normal behavior for an alcoholic? Will it end when she recovers? Is there anything I can do to help things go smoother?

She hasn't had a drink in about a week.

Seren

Hi KRA and Welcome to SR!

Oh my! That has been quite a few days. I'm sorry you have been experiencing such violence....you do not deserve it.

One thing we learn here and in face-to-face Al-Anon meetings is the concept of the 3 C's.

You did not cause the alcoholic to drink.
You cannot control the alcoholic.
You cannot cure the addiction.

Her behavior will end when she truly reaches her bottom and asks for help. When she grabs hold of recovery with both hands and does not let go. Will nearly losing her job be the "bottom" for her? I can't tell you that.

The only person in this situation you can change is you. Do you find this behavior acceptable? Is it OK for someone to treat you like that, gf or not?

Only you can answer those questions. Keep reading, keep asking questions, learn all you can about this disease of alcoholism. I'm glad you found us!

HG

KRA

I guess I really just don't know what I want to do in this whole situation. I have a new job, recent move, etc. and don't have many people in my life at this point. Plus, it's hard to meet new people with an alcoholic in your life. To a certain extent, she's all that I have, but it would be easier to meet new friends if she didn't have the drinking problem.

I also don't want her to hurt herself (due to behaviors) to the point where she can't hold a job, have friends, etc. I guess I am very protective. Plus,she cannot afford health insurance and will lose it when we/if we break up.

Just don't know what to do. I want my girlfriend to get better, want to help her get better. Just don't know if that is something she is capable of doing. Don't want her drinking to hurt me.

m1k3

KRA, welcome to SR.

I can't give you any answers because everybody's journey is different. My wife has spent the last 15 years of her life as an alcoholic. We have been married 36 years. Her last binge was the final straw. It hurt more to stay than to leave so I moved out and began my own recovery. I am doing much better now without the stress, the walking on eggshells wondering what will set her off, wondering if she'll even be alive when I get home.

It took me that long to admit that there is nothing I can do to lead her to her own recovery. I can only work on mine.

You will find a lot of wisdom on this site as well as experience, strength and hope. We are all here because we have all been profoundly affected by an alcoholic. Each story is different yet each story is the same.

I wish you luck and strength and wisdom in finding your own path.

Your friend,

LexieCat

It might be easier to meet new friends if you weren't at home babysitting her all the time. You aren't required to socialize as a couple.

It's possible to protect an alcoholic to death. Unless and until they are made uncomfortable enough by the consequences of their own behavior, most alcoholics have little motivation to quit. Maybe she NEEDS to lose friends and a job, and even have a health or financial crisis to get there. As long as you're picking up the pieces (and the tab), why should she change?

I know you want her to get better. Almost all alcoholics are capable of getting better, IF they want it badly enough and IF they are desperate enough to be willing to do the work.

I suggest you get to some Al-Anon meetings. You will meet people who have worked through the same confusion you are experiencing, and learn how to live in a way that allows you to be happy and whole, regardless of whether she continues to drink.

barb dwyer

Hi KRA and thank you for your post.

I think in more ways than many of us realize
the A in our lives force us into isolation
captive audience kind of thing.

It made me remember my ex
who was 'into' Monday night football
trouble was-
by the third quarter
he'd had an 18pack
and I never knew
who was going to be sitting there
in the fourth quarter.

WOuld it be the caustic verbal abuser?
Would it be the one who throws things
and was the reason there
was not ONE thing in the house
that didn't have a chip out of it
or broken buttons?

Or would he just pass out....

that's not a life.

SO I understand about the being isolated.

Secondly -
if you're in NYC, NY
that's the most isolated
population in the world, IMO.

I gently suggest
that you find an Alanon meeting in your area.
maybe one OUT of your area
to appease gf
that nobody will know you.

I'm glad you found us here at SR
but with trashed apartments
I think the reaching out stage
has moved into 3d for you
and I hope
you'll seek support in real life as well.