tonight mum and dad are messeging me

Old 06-11-2011, 04:06 PM
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tonight mum and dad are messeging me

i had told them i would reply and had as of yesterday made an effort to communicate back in their direction. Then i progressed in my codie/aca recovery and uncovered fresh emotional abuse so im mad with mum and dad all over again.

i dont want to message them. i dont want to 'fake' a relationship. if im angry and mad at them to grow in their direction would be fake right.

i feel guilty though because i have encouraged them to call me recently. my dad has lied to me many times about problems dismissing them as not there or minimizing them. i dont feel i should have to forgive him until im ready.

i consider both of my parents toxic very very much so. my dad doesnt tell me the truth unless it suits him which makes it hard to communicate and be emotionally honest. he also plays mind games where he will make out you are the only person in the whole world that thinks like you do if he is in a certain mood and you criticise him so im very careful before being at all critical.

i dont feel safe going out of my way confronting him with emotional honesty he may deny=waste of time or worse take as a excuse to cause damage to the relationship. hes a pain in the a$$

thankyou soberrecovery.com and any ACA that reads this. I welcome any comments here or in private.
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Old 06-11-2011, 04:22 PM
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posting the above message and posting on 'codependency and beyond' helped me find the skill and wit and guilt to text my mom. I texted her "im working through some problems, i cant always grow in your direction"

Before the sending of this message i got two messages from my dad. hes a pretty poor excuse for a father how i feel now. i dont want to pander to his bouts of sincerity. hes let me down recently over something big and has been critical in the last few months. i refuse to grow towards someone that has emotionally abused me for all these years. atleast until i am over this abuse. thats tough t!!ty on him im sorry. i do care about the guy but he must know hows hes helped me to feel over the years he has to be responsible for it.

i hope my mother passes on the message. sometimes they talk sometimes they dont but if i dont feel comfortable to be emotionally honest then he has to take his share of the responsibility and blame. i am a good man. i wont feel guilty over this

thankyou soberrecovery.com and the ACA forum Thanks also to any ACA that reads this and indicates so
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Old 06-11-2011, 04:25 PM
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further to the above messages i feel worried he may 'get nasty' hes had a horrible intimidating ragefull temper over the years. he has screamed at me holy cr@p more years than i care to remember. he has truly frightened me many times.

hes also got this habit whereby he will attempt to undermine those who disagree with him, essentially he will ****** your own stability use what he knows about you to help you feel insecure and make out other people in the family are saying nasty things about you. im frightened he may do this. hes screwed now though because people in the family know im codie. if he has to suffer he has to suffer im not lying
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Old 06-12-2011, 06:52 AM
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Nowhere is it written that just because someone sends you a message or calls you, that you must reply or answer. That's one of the great things about caller ID.

Respond when you feel you are able. If they ask, you were busy when they messaged you. Learning to separate yourself from the crazy is a difficult thing to do. Try to not respond until you feel like you are separate from their crazy.

If you need help separating from their crazy and not getting sucked in, imagine them to be someone you were chatting with in a grocery store. Respond to them in the same way that you would talk to someone you don't know and will never see again - that is, be polite and civil. You'll have nothing to hold against yourself if they behave in unacceptable ways. You will have been reasonable, even in the face of their unreasonableness.

But this is just the first step. Learning how to separate from the crazy you've known all your life, and STAY separated is not trivial or easy. Some people like ACA meetings for learning some of this, others prefer a therapist. I wish you well in your progress towards controlling your own life and not allowing others to control you.
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Old 06-13-2011, 07:41 AM
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Thanks ginger. I am progressing well on this path
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Old 06-13-2011, 12:52 PM
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My interactions with my parents are always full of toxic emotions-from them and I withdrew. When I started getting better it made them angry-it was funny how it shook them up-I was surprised by that. I see them a week every year-they are getting old and I try to forgive them-my life was directly changed by addictive minds but it does no good to resent them ,I think that they were treated harshly and not shown love. Last visit was really difficult ,my Mom seemed to have some repetitive thinking about the most annoying topics. I ask myself if I am able to express my feelings-well ,sort of, I am not harsh at all thats for sure. So progress not perfection. If I am low I do not call my parents.
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Old 06-13-2011, 09:07 PM
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Kevin, much of what you say about your father sounds like dealing with mine. He has been asking for a couple of years now (of me and others) what is wrong with me, what am I upset about. In explanation, I gave him a list of ugly things he has said and done, and he simply dismissed it all. Told me I imagined it. My mother is now telling people at church that I 'have a big imagination.' His last communication with me was a dozen ugly e-mails that included calling me an '*******' and telling me I'm causing trouble (because I called the police on someone for punching me) and threatening to show up at my work and cause trouble unless I toed the line.

So, unfortunately, you are probably wiser to simply limit communication. Your gut instincts about how it'll turn out are likely right on target.

I have tried the route of rational conversation and communication. It does no good. I have found more peace for myself by simply cutting ties. I believe in family, forgiveness, all those good things, but have to accept that it really does take two to make a good relationship.
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Old 06-16-2011, 09:42 AM
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Ginger:

Nowhere is it written that just because someone sends you a message or calls you, that you must reply or answer. That's one of the great things about caller ID.
No. As a adult child from a dysfunctional home though with raging insane narcissistic father [could be] you can imagine how maybe i have been 'raised' with some fairly opressive views.

So for sure i don't need to reply but i have this thing whereby i like to keep my word. Particularly with mum and dad. Thats defensive some because if i am true to my word it makes it harder to twist the facts and make out i have done wrong.

I have thought alot about your 'crazy'. Its a powerful message. Recently i have done work on my boundaries. I do need to separate from m&d's crazy yes. Its good that i can come and post here though especially today since sometimes when alone i reach out to the wrong person.

My father says 'no man is an island' quite what you make of this or will make of this is anyones guess. Nothing maybe. Thats ok.

I have found the message of 'i will go this far and no further' helpful. I think in a similar way to you about if i am reasonable and my side of the street is clean then them doing odd or wrong things is not my fault. My dad always harps on about his medical problems. He was such a monster though

But this is just the first step. Learning how to separate from the crazy you've known all your life, and STAY separated is not trivial or easy.
Amen. Thanks This is my concern right now. Parents are not like a bottle of booze you can throw away so sure its difficult. People have said many times that you dont become a changed person suddenly and this makes sense.

Its going to be difficult with my parents. Right now my #1 priority has to be staying sober from alcohol that way i will give myself a fighting chance.

Some people like ACA meetings for learning some of this, others prefer a therapist.
i am happy ish with how my recovery is. I have my grumbles [time being one] but slowly slowly that monkey i will get

I wish you well in your progress towards controlling your own life and not allowing others to control you.
Thanks for your brill message gingerm-yay you rock!:P

Margt:

My interactions with my parents are always full of toxic emotions-from them and I withdrew.
Yes i can identify.

but it does no good to resent them
ok then got to be angry somewhere though get it out

I think that they were treated harshly and not shown love
in agreement its a family illness and all

Im sorry for your troubles you have sometimes margot.

Evengrose:

im sorry for your difficulties that your father has with you yes it does kerching ching. I agree. Confronting is not always the best answer. I live on my gut with them [parents] i sort out my mind and hope they do the same.
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Old 06-20-2011, 08:50 AM
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When you go no/very little controlled contact you will be able to work through a program of recovery much better.

Getting caught up with the toxic family just makes it tougher on you and certainly
not on them at all.

As someone posted there is not any reason you have to pick up the phone or
answer any emails (if this applies). Ignore and delete - it will do you good.

And the more you do this the easier it becomes.
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Old 06-20-2011, 08:55 AM
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I dont have controlled contact at present. I split from that say three months ago. Thanks for your message.
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