what does "compassion" look like?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 77
what does "compassion" look like?
I have been lurking here for a month or so. Have read all the stickies and all new posts every day and have benefitted so much from the wisdom, comfort, and understanding I have found here.
The "compassion" that Spiritual Seeker spoke about in her recent post on the anniversary of her son's death--please, someone, tell me what that word means in my relationship with my AS.
My 26-year-old son told me 2 months ago that he was an IV heroin and cocaine addict, had been for years, and wanted help. My family and I were shocked, although at least we now had a context that explained his bad behavior and chronically poor choices. Not feeling like we had the luxury of time to investigate treatment options, we sent him to a nationally-known and insanely-expensive facility. He detoxed there for a week, but did not stay for the 3-month inpatient program, because it was out of my reach financially.
Instead, he asked to come and live with me, two states away. (I know now that the "geographic cure" rarely works. I also know now that the addict coming home rarely works.)
He did fine for a few weeks--got a job, paid his bills, and treated me with respect and gratitude. Then he refused a drug test that he had agreed to as a condition of being able to stay here, and he admitted he had smoked weed with a co-worker.
I followed through on the consequences, and he moved out. He bought a tent and lived in a campground for free in exchange for maintenance work there. That arrangement has ended, and he now plans to relocate to a city that's 500 miles away, move in with a druggie friend there, and get a job.
He is using "just" weed and alcohol right now, as far as I can tell. He has no interest in a 12-step program or individual counseling, which I have offered to pay for. He says life is not worth living if he can't get high every night.
I have told him I am good for two things: First, I will pay for a U-Haul truck to transport him and his motor scooter to the city. (I am doing this for my own peace of mind about his safety.) Second, at any time I will buy him a bus ticket back to where I live if he commits to doing what it takes to get and stay clean and sober. I have told him that if he gets to the city and his scooter breaks down; or he is hungry, broke, or gets arrested--anything that happens, he is on his own.
I took him out to a movie and dinner last night. It was clear from our conversation that he feels hopeless, although his actual situation is far from hopeless. He simply does not want to sacrifice for what he sees as an uncertain and even unlikely payoff--that he will get a good job and create a wonderful life for himself. Instead, he is going for the certainty and immediate gratification of getting high.
What is my compassionate response?
The "compassion" that Spiritual Seeker spoke about in her recent post on the anniversary of her son's death--please, someone, tell me what that word means in my relationship with my AS.
My 26-year-old son told me 2 months ago that he was an IV heroin and cocaine addict, had been for years, and wanted help. My family and I were shocked, although at least we now had a context that explained his bad behavior and chronically poor choices. Not feeling like we had the luxury of time to investigate treatment options, we sent him to a nationally-known and insanely-expensive facility. He detoxed there for a week, but did not stay for the 3-month inpatient program, because it was out of my reach financially.
Instead, he asked to come and live with me, two states away. (I know now that the "geographic cure" rarely works. I also know now that the addict coming home rarely works.)
He did fine for a few weeks--got a job, paid his bills, and treated me with respect and gratitude. Then he refused a drug test that he had agreed to as a condition of being able to stay here, and he admitted he had smoked weed with a co-worker.
I followed through on the consequences, and he moved out. He bought a tent and lived in a campground for free in exchange for maintenance work there. That arrangement has ended, and he now plans to relocate to a city that's 500 miles away, move in with a druggie friend there, and get a job.
He is using "just" weed and alcohol right now, as far as I can tell. He has no interest in a 12-step program or individual counseling, which I have offered to pay for. He says life is not worth living if he can't get high every night.
I have told him I am good for two things: First, I will pay for a U-Haul truck to transport him and his motor scooter to the city. (I am doing this for my own peace of mind about his safety.) Second, at any time I will buy him a bus ticket back to where I live if he commits to doing what it takes to get and stay clean and sober. I have told him that if he gets to the city and his scooter breaks down; or he is hungry, broke, or gets arrested--anything that happens, he is on his own.
I took him out to a movie and dinner last night. It was clear from our conversation that he feels hopeless, although his actual situation is far from hopeless. He simply does not want to sacrifice for what he sees as an uncertain and even unlikely payoff--that he will get a good job and create a wonderful life for himself. Instead, he is going for the certainty and immediate gratification of getting high.
What is my compassionate response?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
No ground
Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you have stepped out of the shadows to participate. We all find comfort from each other.
For me, I have accepted that I cannot do anything to change my AS. He is going to do what he is going to do. Just as your dear son has stated, my son cannot imagine his life without drugs and/or alcohol. Our relationship is changing because I am changing. I am not becoming emeshed in his attempts to cause fear, guilt or pity. I can take him out to lunch. I can have a conversation with him. And I do my best not to be judgemental and simply accept him as he is. I have stopped any efforts to try to change him....because I can't and he rebels against those efforts......don't we all.
Am I sad that he has chosen the life he has? I'd be lying if I said no. But I am simply accepting that which I cannot control. I try not to say anything that comes across as demeaning or judgemental. I believe that is compassion.
I looked up the word compassion though and it insinuates "co-suffering" or experiencing the pain of others. As a codependent, that definition nearly killed me. I have to separate myself from his pain and allow him to feel it without me as a buffer but I do try to understand it and accept that he is suffering.
My standard compassionate response to him.......I love you.
I hope that helps. Again.....welcome to SR.
gentle hugs
ke
Welcome to SR.....I'm glad you have stepped out of the shadows to participate. We all find comfort from each other.
For me, I have accepted that I cannot do anything to change my AS. He is going to do what he is going to do. Just as your dear son has stated, my son cannot imagine his life without drugs and/or alcohol. Our relationship is changing because I am changing. I am not becoming emeshed in his attempts to cause fear, guilt or pity. I can take him out to lunch. I can have a conversation with him. And I do my best not to be judgemental and simply accept him as he is. I have stopped any efforts to try to change him....because I can't and he rebels against those efforts......don't we all.
Am I sad that he has chosen the life he has? I'd be lying if I said no. But I am simply accepting that which I cannot control. I try not to say anything that comes across as demeaning or judgemental. I believe that is compassion.
I looked up the word compassion though and it insinuates "co-suffering" or experiencing the pain of others. As a codependent, that definition nearly killed me. I have to separate myself from his pain and allow him to feel it without me as a buffer but I do try to understand it and accept that he is suffering.
My standard compassionate response to him.......I love you.
I hope that helps. Again.....welcome to SR.
gentle hugs
ke
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Perhaps compassion can also take the form of allowing the addicted person to make his or her own decisions, to be responsible for the consequences of those decisions, and to figure out how to solve their own problems.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I don't have any words of wisdom, I can only state that enabling him is not the answer.
Do you go to meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest both to you.
Keep reading and posting!
Do you go to meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest both to you.
Keep reading and posting!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
No Ground,
Welcome and I'm glad that you are joining in. You have asked a very valuable question. It sounds to me like you have been very compassionate to your son.
I think that compassion comes in when we honor ourselves and our boundaries but can still express love and support for our loved ones.
One of the problems that I have had in my life is that my compassion has bleed into my will and poor boundaries in the past. I think that one thing that helps with compassion is to explore my motives.
I'm sending you warm thoughts...
Welcome and I'm glad that you are joining in. You have asked a very valuable question. It sounds to me like you have been very compassionate to your son.
I think that compassion comes in when we honor ourselves and our boundaries but can still express love and support for our loved ones.
One of the problems that I have had in my life is that my compassion has bleed into my will and poor boundaries in the past. I think that one thing that helps with compassion is to explore my motives.
I'm sending you warm thoughts...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
For me, compasasion means listening to the lies, outbursts, and fabricated stories of the addict, and remembering that they are sick people, so there is no need to get drawn in to challenge, argue or debate when saying nothing is saying enough.
Compassion means detaching with love, and not hating what he has done or who he has become.
When my anger turned into compassion, when my resentments turned into forgiveness, and when my fear turned into faith...I knew I was on the right path, the path of recovery.
Hugs
Compassion means detaching with love, and not hating what he has done or who he has become.
When my anger turned into compassion, when my resentments turned into forgiveness, and when my fear turned into faith...I knew I was on the right path, the path of recovery.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 77
Thank you, everybody, for those thoughtful responses. Every single reply included practical wisdom that I will copy down in my journal. (I keep a journal where I write down all in one place anything helpful that I've read, including the source. Most of what's written in my journal has come from SR.)
After I posted, I remembered to look again at a book I have read and re-read, When Things Fall Apart--Heart Advice for Difficult Times, by Pema Chodron: "[T]he essence of compassionate speech or compassionate action is to be there for people, without pulling back in horror or fear or anger."
Concerning attending a group, I went early on to an Al-Anon meeting and didn't find anything or anybody helpful there, although everybody was very friendly and welcoming. I am going to try a different Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night. (There is no Nar-Anon where I live.) On the recommendation of somebody here on SR, I read Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children and found that very helpful.
After I posted, I remembered to look again at a book I have read and re-read, When Things Fall Apart--Heart Advice for Difficult Times, by Pema Chodron: "[T]he essence of compassionate speech or compassionate action is to be there for people, without pulling back in horror or fear or anger."
Concerning attending a group, I went early on to an Al-Anon meeting and didn't find anything or anybody helpful there, although everybody was very friendly and welcoming. I am going to try a different Al-Anon meeting tomorrow night. (There is no Nar-Anon where I live.) On the recommendation of somebody here on SR, I read Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children and found that very helpful.
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