Feeling judged
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Feeling judged
I am trying to shake this feeling of being judged by those here on SR that are much farther along in the recovery process. I know no one is walking in my shoes, but I feel they are looking at me, judging me if you will, on my lack of understanding. Yes the codie in me is alive and well this morning or else I would be able to put this into better perspective. Not quite fitting in , wanting approval by others, not wanting to rock the boat etc is at the front of my thoughts. I am trying to be logical that while it maybe easy for them to see what they would do or have done in my situation, it is not easy for me, at least not yet. Just a gentle reminder to those of you who have it all figured out, there are many of us who haven't yet and are trying desperately to do so. We came to SR to get healthy, to gain understanding of what alcoholism does, to vent our frustrations, and to move from a place of weakness into one of strength. I came here to find recovery for me and the more I dig and learn the more I see how far I have to go.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((((((Alone22))))))))))
I certainly don't have it all figured out.
And yes, its alot easier to see things when we're looking in from the outside and not mired in the middle of it all.
We're all in various stages of recovery. Some days I feel good about the progress I'm making and some days I don't.
Its great to pour it all out sometimes for others who have 'been there' to sift thru and offer their own ESH. That's what its all about. We're always free to take what we want and leave the rest.
As for feeling judged...well...no one is a harsher judge of my actions than me. For me, when I'm feeling judged, it usually has more to do with how I feel about my recovery at any given moment than something someone here says to me.
Recovery is really hard....really, really, really hard.
And I believe we're all just trying to help each other in our own way...some are more blunt than others..but the really blunt replies are usually the ones that got me thinking the most.
Hang in there...
I certainly don't have it all figured out.
And yes, its alot easier to see things when we're looking in from the outside and not mired in the middle of it all.
We're all in various stages of recovery. Some days I feel good about the progress I'm making and some days I don't.
Its great to pour it all out sometimes for others who have 'been there' to sift thru and offer their own ESH. That's what its all about. We're always free to take what we want and leave the rest.
As for feeling judged...well...no one is a harsher judge of my actions than me. For me, when I'm feeling judged, it usually has more to do with how I feel about my recovery at any given moment than something someone here says to me.
Recovery is really hard....really, really, really hard.
And I believe we're all just trying to help each other in our own way...some are more blunt than others..but the really blunt replies are usually the ones that got me thinking the most.
Hang in there...
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
You know what Alone... The weird thing with recovery... Is any one of us can relapse and backslide! It's like a game of chutes and ladders!
I'm sure there are times when my recovery is "far down the road", and then... Oops, it doesn't look so strong anymore! Doh.
The trick is to not compare yourself to others... And appreciate all the different stages that we are all in. Some are here as encouragement of where we want to go, others are a painful reminder of where we have been...
I love them all, and am so grateful for what we all bring to the table.
I'm sure there are times when my recovery is "far down the road", and then... Oops, it doesn't look so strong anymore! Doh.
The trick is to not compare yourself to others... And appreciate all the different stages that we are all in. Some are here as encouragement of where we want to go, others are a painful reminder of where we have been...
I love them all, and am so grateful for what we all bring to the table.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
we can always shift our focus and be grateful there ARE people ahead of us on the journey - letting us know there is a safe passage and that it IS doable. just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll get there! and then you can wave to those on the path behind you, and say YES YOU CAN.
Alone, what I hear from the "old-timers" in Al-Anon and here is that we are never through learning. So in that respect, some here may be farther down the road than you but certainly on the same road forever. It's not a race to the finish; its the journey.
And always remember the phrase "take what works and leave the rest". The world is full of judgmental people. Incorporating that phrase into my mindset has helped me let go of the need to worry about what others think of me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
I'm sorry that you feel you are being judged. I can't speak for anyone but myself. If anything I've ever posted sounds judgmental, it certainly was not intended to be that at all. I think it's a common human reaction to want to spare people the pain they are feeling, especially if the person giving the advise, experience, etc. has been there and can relate. Codies are compassionate and empathetic to the extreme, so this may be a factor that comes into play in a strong way. I hope this is making sense. And if I ever say something to anyone that comes off as judgmental...I apologize in advance. I know I still have work to do to tone down my desire to save the entire universe.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Thank you for your honesty. For every person who posts I am sure that there are dozens of lurkers who feel the same way. You show great courage and insight. We all have our moments of weakness and then we just need to pick ourselves up and try again.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
When I first came here I felt the same way, because I was on the defensive, I was very sensitive....took awhile then I realized that these people were just being honest and trying to help me. Once I chilled out, the feeling went away.
The stress of trying to live with an "A" really does affect our emotional well-being.
The stress of trying to live with an "A" really does affect our emotional well-being.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
I know I really should not care what others think or feel about me, but I do. My post was not directed at everyone who is further down the recovery path than I but just a few, who lately seem kind of IMHO to be forgetting what it feels like be new, scared and lost. I am my own worst critic so when I feel others are chiming in on this it can really push me over the edge a bit. I am VERY grateful to have found both Alanon and SR and thankful for those that are further down the path to share their experience. I try not to compare myself with others but simply take the wisdom on here that works for me and apply it to my world. There was just a few recent posts that hit me the wrong way. Maybe I am being too sensitive or maybe their choice of words was not sensitive enough. What I do know is that I felt pretty crappy after reading them. I wish I could point them out so this would make more sense, but I would never want to make someone else feel crappy too. I am fine with blunt and to the point. I love when others have the ability to tell me how to rethink things in a way that will improve my recovery. I am fine with someone pointing out how my logic is wrong or needs a little tweaking and giving me their POV. That is why I am here. BUT the threads/posts I am referring to seem more like an eye roll than a helpful reply.
Thank you for you support this morning.... I really needed it.
Thank you for you support this morning.... I really needed it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Forgive us for we are codependent and we do love to tell others how it should be done! 
This was posted by Ann, one of our moderators, about 2 years ago. I think it bears repeating.
The link is below......
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reminder.html
This was posted by Ann, one of our moderators, about 2 years ago. I think it bears repeating.
Please Read: Posting Reminder
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.
When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.
Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.
When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.
An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.
That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.
We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.
I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 7 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.
As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”
Hugs to each one of you
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I felt a need to post something here about being respectful to other members and keeping in mind that many people posting here are newcomers or old timers in crisis and their emotions are raw.
When I was new to recovery, just finding the courage to go to a meeting and share was intimidating for me. I didn’t say a word for the first 3 meetings, just sat there and cried with a box of tissues. I remember those feelings each time a newcomer walks in the door and each time one of us is in crisis and needs to share.
Sometimes the poster just needs a shoulder, sometimes just someone to validate how they feel rather than challenge the situation that brought them to this feeling. And mostly they need you to share YOUR experience, strength and hope so that we can learn something useful and “see” recovery at work.
When choices are challenged by others (no matter how good or poor their choices may be) it makes a person feel defensive or like the world’s biggest loser and there isn’t an ounce of recovery to grab on to.
An example would be someone who discovered their spouse is an addict and things are not good at home (Imagine their pain, confusion and heartache). To simply reply “why do you stay with this loser?” or “Why don’t you just leave” doesn’t help anyone. In recovery we don’t “tell” anyone what to do, we share our own experience, strength and hope and, if asked, we gently and respectfully offer suggestions. Recovery is about treating people the way we like to be treated. Recovery is about giving freely what was so freely given to us.
That is not to say we walk on eggshells here, we can shoot straight goods without attacking the person or their decisions. Our differences are what makes this forum interesting and helpful to so many people, because there is always someone who can relate to us. I embrace our diversity as something valuable that brings all kinds of recovery to the site. But when I feel my adrenaline pumping over a post I am reading, I find it good to just sit on my hands until I can calmly and respectfully say what is in my heart.
We come here from all corners of the world and our customs and practices vary significantly sometimes. How we speak may come across as harsh to someone who can’t see our faces or know us well enough to understand our personalities.
I love all you members here, the mamas, the spouses, the partners, the siblings and all who love an addict. I have stayed here and continued to grow for over 7 years because of YOU and all you have shared with me and the support you have given me, and for that I am grateful.
As a moderator here, I am proud of the people on this forum, because you all are the most supportive, kindest, funniest, and dearest people I have met here at SR. Something my dear friend Hangin’ In has said often is a good reminder for all of us, including me…she says “Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don’t say it mean.”
Hugs to each one of you
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reminder.html
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
We all get there in our own time and following our own path. You are doing just fine and keep the focus on you sweetie! There is not an instruction manual on how to recover from being a codie. It is a "one day at a time process".
:day6
:day6
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by Alone22
I know I really should not care what others think or feel about me, but I do. My post was not directed at everyone who is further down the recovery path than I but just a few, who lately seem kind of IMHO to be forgetting what it feels like be new, scared and lost. I am my own worst critic so when I feel others are chiming in on this it can really push me over the edge a bit. I am VERY grateful to have found both Alanon and SR and thankful for those that are further down the path to share their experience. I try not to compare myself with others but simply take the wisdom on here that works for me and apply it to my world. There was just a few recent posts that hit me the wrong way. Maybe I am being too sensitive or maybe their choice of words was not sensitive enough. What I do know is that I felt pretty crappy after reading them. I wish I could point them out so this would make more sense, but I would never want to make someone else feel crappy too. I am fine with blunt and to the point. I love when others have the ability to tell me how to rethink things in a way that will improve my recovery. I am fine with someone pointing out how my logic is wrong or needs a little tweaking and giving me their POV. That is why I am here. BUT the threads/posts I am referring to seem more like an eye roll than a helpful reply.
Thank you for you support this morning.... I really needed it.
Thank you for you support this morning.... I really needed it.
alone, thank you for posting this. ive been a part of SR for almost two months... and i've really enjoyed finding this place. sometimes, i wake up or have a ****** day and read on here and it reminds me so much of how "im fine" "things will be fine" etc etc. however, i have found myself unable to really start threads anymore due to feeling like i'd get the "eye roll" if i talk about my rollercoaster ride of emotions. i think there's the "what do i do" type of posts that are truly asking for advice... and then there are the posts that are emotionally laden that need a listening ear... it's hard for me to get the courage to post the latter type now.
and the funny thing is, it even took me a while to hit "post" on this coz i thought my sharing my feelings too on this subject would make me get an eyeroll--like "wah wah wah... here goes the whining again". it's not like i want a hand holding or a coddling in order to post. i understand i'll just have to really embody the "leave the rest" quote... but i just wanted to share that i do understand where you are coming from.
thank you for voicing this opinion.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's always SO much easier to see where someone else is making a mistake, or getting hung up, than it is to see where we are doing it. It's just the perspective difference.
That's one of the valuable things about forums like this, I think. I am too close to my own problems and issues to see things clearly. It's easy to feel totally overwhelmed and miss something simple that someone else may be able to see plainly.
Not that other people can necessarily pinpoint exactly what needs to be done. They may not be aware of other factors entering into the equation that makes one solution better than another. Still, it's good to have feedback.
It's also important for me, when I ask for someone's opinion, to try to keep an open mind. I've been known to reject ideas that later turn out to be just the ticket, based on my own belief that it won't work. (Actually, that's what happens with a lot of alcoholics coming into AA--they don't "get" how working the Steps can relieve them of alcoholism, so they decide, without really trying it, that it won't work for them: "I could never believe in a Higher Power," "I could never turn my will and my life over to something I don't believe in," "AA is a cult," etc. The Big Book calls it "contempt prior to investigation.")
Anyway, most of the posts I read on this forum are not coming from a judgmental point of view--they are usually pointing out tried and true methods of making life better when there is an alcoholic in your life.
I know what it's like to feel raw and sensitive, though--it isn't always easy to shake the feeling of being judged or criticized. I know when I feel that way, it is usually my ego that's taking a hit, and that's where it helps to step back and ask that question posed here recently, "Do I want to be RIGHT, or do I want to be HAPPY?"
That's one of the valuable things about forums like this, I think. I am too close to my own problems and issues to see things clearly. It's easy to feel totally overwhelmed and miss something simple that someone else may be able to see plainly.
Not that other people can necessarily pinpoint exactly what needs to be done. They may not be aware of other factors entering into the equation that makes one solution better than another. Still, it's good to have feedback.
It's also important for me, when I ask for someone's opinion, to try to keep an open mind. I've been known to reject ideas that later turn out to be just the ticket, based on my own belief that it won't work. (Actually, that's what happens with a lot of alcoholics coming into AA--they don't "get" how working the Steps can relieve them of alcoholism, so they decide, without really trying it, that it won't work for them: "I could never believe in a Higher Power," "I could never turn my will and my life over to something I don't believe in," "AA is a cult," etc. The Big Book calls it "contempt prior to investigation.")
Anyway, most of the posts I read on this forum are not coming from a judgmental point of view--they are usually pointing out tried and true methods of making life better when there is an alcoholic in your life.
I know what it's like to feel raw and sensitive, though--it isn't always easy to shake the feeling of being judged or criticized. I know when I feel that way, it is usually my ego that's taking a hit, and that's where it helps to step back and ask that question posed here recently, "Do I want to be RIGHT, or do I want to be HAPPY?"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 317
I can relate
One of my biggest problems is assuming I know what other people are thinking...especially what they are thinking about me. Over time, I've learned that I'm usually wrong and it has freed me up to being more open. Less afraid. Mostly I've just had to learn to let it go.
My favorite slogan on the subject?
"What other people think about me is none of my business."
My favorite slogan on the subject?
"What other people think about me is none of my business."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 74
Alone22, I remember your first post...you came along not too long after I did, and I have to say that you've come so far in such a short period of time...I think you're doing awesome! We're all on a crazy roller-coaster ride...my emotions swing wildly from time to time as well...sometimes I need comforting and sometimes I need a swift kick in the rear...sometimes I'm not sure which it is myself, so I'll try not to expect you guys to keep up 
. Hugs to you!
. Hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
I agree that most of the time there is not judgement here and I know I just need to keep moving in a positive direction and not let someone else's issues or thoughts upset me like they did. One of the threads I never even posted and I have to say that those that did respond did a awesome job bringing the person back to reality. Pretty much told them what they had to say was not so kind. The other one I think I hit a nerve with the person, which I was not trying to do, really just trying to understand how I could (or why I felt I couldn't) apply one of the ways to cope with an A to my situation. Two people I don't know should not be able to upset me the way they did. I guess my feelings were a bit raw this morning.
For a very long time I really felt like MY AH wasn't so sick and that he couldn't just get better. I never once thought he would place the booze before his family, but yet the reality was/is he has been doing it for years. Now that I feel like I am starting to understand how I have under estimated what it is to be an A and the control it has over their lives (over my RAH life) it has felt like a big old kick in the gut. I just know I should make major changes now (started to actually) and it really hurts. I don't know that I can ever trust him again, ever love him with all my heart again, and I don't know if I can take living with even a RAH. That realization has made me pretty darn depressed.
Thanks again for all of your support. I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have a place to come and discuss my feelings about all of this.
For a very long time I really felt like MY AH wasn't so sick and that he couldn't just get better. I never once thought he would place the booze before his family, but yet the reality was/is he has been doing it for years. Now that I feel like I am starting to understand how I have under estimated what it is to be an A and the control it has over their lives (over my RAH life) it has felt like a big old kick in the gut. I just know I should make major changes now (started to actually) and it really hurts. I don't know that I can ever trust him again, ever love him with all my heart again, and I don't know if I can take living with even a RAH. That realization has made me pretty darn depressed.
Thanks again for all of your support. I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have a place to come and discuss my feelings about all of this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Alone22-all of us have felt, are feeling or will be feeling what you're feeling like now. I've felt almost a jealousy of others farther along in their recovery-I seem to take several steps forward then backward, then sideways. From what I keep hearing, this is a lifetime walk we are all taking, kind of like going along the Yellow Brick Road to OZ for the rest of our lives.
Throughout all of our times with the A's in our lives, we have been blamed, judged and criticized for so many things, it's only natural that we get on the defensive when we perceive that we are being judged. I work on that daily and have to keep telling myself to put thoue thoughts out of my head.
I've felt that way here, with some Al-Anon people, with "normies" whether at school or work or from my FOI, but it just came to me that it's been so ingrained in us to feel that way and part of our recovery is to accept and realize that while we all come from different backgrounds, parts of the world, family situations and are all at different points in recovery, we have each other to lean on, to vent, to "run something up the flagpole", to cry, to laugh, to encourage, to listen to, to call out.....we have a much greater gift in having each other to feel a little less alone at a time when many of us do feel so alone and helpless.
I think of these gifts-SR, Al-Anon, friends, family and how much they have helped me. I then look at my EX who shuns recovery, who still judges me on my path to recovery who lives in isolation, who does not have what I have - the gift of hope, of friendship, of love and it makes me forget my jealousy of others.
Throughout all of our times with the A's in our lives, we have been blamed, judged and criticized for so many things, it's only natural that we get on the defensive when we perceive that we are being judged. I work on that daily and have to keep telling myself to put thoue thoughts out of my head.
I've felt that way here, with some Al-Anon people, with "normies" whether at school or work or from my FOI, but it just came to me that it's been so ingrained in us to feel that way and part of our recovery is to accept and realize that while we all come from different backgrounds, parts of the world, family situations and are all at different points in recovery, we have each other to lean on, to vent, to "run something up the flagpole", to cry, to laugh, to encourage, to listen to, to call out.....we have a much greater gift in having each other to feel a little less alone at a time when many of us do feel so alone and helpless.
I think of these gifts-SR, Al-Anon, friends, family and how much they have helped me. I then look at my EX who shuns recovery, who still judges me on my path to recovery who lives in isolation, who does not have what I have - the gift of hope, of friendship, of love and it makes me forget my jealousy of others.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
First of all...What Anvil said!!!!!!!!! She's dead on right you know.
OK, I'll skip the Yellow Brick Road with you guys as long as you all promise to keep those damn flying monkeys away from me!
Originally Posted by Linkmeister
From what I keep hearing, this is a lifetime walk we are all taking, kind of like going along the Yellow Brick Road to OZ for the rest of our lives.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
