young mom and wife of an addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
young mom and wife of an addict
I feel so helpless at this point in my life. After 4 years of dating the love of my life, at 22 we got pregnant and decided to get married. Although he had been in and out of short stays in jail which were all alchohol or marajuana related, I thought for sure he'd change when our babies (yes, twin girls) arrived 4 months ago. He was even in court mandated rehab for the last 3 months of my pregnancy.
But now I've left my husband. After only having our babies home and living together for about 4 weeks, he exploded one day. But RIGHT after he got home from rehab he began smoking herbal incensce again, drinking bottles of cough syrup and huffing cans of air. ALL in the presence of our newborn babies. I couldn't take it anymore.
He now calls me all the time. He tells me things I've never heard him admit before. He tells me he HAS hit rock bottom since he has lost his wife and daughters and hasn't seen us in 5 weeks. He says he doesn't want to regret his actions after rehab for the next 50 years of his life and just wants one more chance. He says even if i don't come back he's going to change for himself and that he will be at his meetings, counseling, everything it takes.
This IS the love of my life and the father of my kids. ALL I want is for him to change himself for good and to be a good dad. But DO I give him this last chance? My family convinces me to leave him, get a divorce. But I feel that MAYBE if i do not go back to him until he takes action in his life and shows a difference, then maybe that could work. I'm so dsperate and feel SO alone because my family won't even speak his name. They say if I go back to him then they will have nothing to do with me. Which is heartbreaking.
Any advice..experiences..ANYTHING would help. Sorry so long.
But now I've left my husband. After only having our babies home and living together for about 4 weeks, he exploded one day. But RIGHT after he got home from rehab he began smoking herbal incensce again, drinking bottles of cough syrup and huffing cans of air. ALL in the presence of our newborn babies. I couldn't take it anymore.
He now calls me all the time. He tells me things I've never heard him admit before. He tells me he HAS hit rock bottom since he has lost his wife and daughters and hasn't seen us in 5 weeks. He says he doesn't want to regret his actions after rehab for the next 50 years of his life and just wants one more chance. He says even if i don't come back he's going to change for himself and that he will be at his meetings, counseling, everything it takes.
This IS the love of my life and the father of my kids. ALL I want is for him to change himself for good and to be a good dad. But DO I give him this last chance? My family convinces me to leave him, get a divorce. But I feel that MAYBE if i do not go back to him until he takes action in his life and shows a difference, then maybe that could work. I'm so dsperate and feel SO alone because my family won't even speak his name. They say if I go back to him then they will have nothing to do with me. Which is heartbreaking.
Any advice..experiences..ANYTHING would help. Sorry so long.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
He says even if i don't come back he's going to change for himself and that he will be at his meetings, counseling, everything it takes.
You don't have to go back now. Watch and see what he does. Limit your contact with him and just wait and see what happens. If he's serious, it will be obvious over time (a minimum of a year). He isn't the first addict to say those things and usually, it's just a hook to get you back, be good for a short period of time, and then return to old behaviors.
Your most important responsibility is to your children. They should never be forced to live with active addiction. Keep their welfare and best interests at heart, and act accordingly.
You don't have to go back now. Watch and see what he does. Limit your contact with him and just wait and see what happens. If he's serious, it will be obvious over time (a minimum of a year). He isn't the first addict to say those things and usually, it's just a hook to get you back, be good for a short period of time, and then return to old behaviors.
Your most important responsibility is to your children. They should never be forced to live with active addiction. Keep their welfare and best interests at heart, and act accordingly.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Whoa, slow down, there is no rush. Let him get clean, work of sound recovery program, and stay clean for at least a year. Then decide what is best for you and your children.
Your family's view of him is clear, yours is clouded by your emotions.
Take care of those children, that is your priorty, going back to him now is not in their best interest.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts it will help.
Your family's view of him is clear, yours is clouded by your emotions.
Take care of those children, that is your priorty, going back to him now is not in their best interest.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts it will help.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Jacksonville Florida
Posts: 48
I agree with others on this post. Words ARE CHEAP. He's going to say anything he can to get what he wants, that includes you and drugs. He's smoking and huffing today, what will it be in two months? or a year? If he wants to be clean, then he will be clean with or without you. You have small children to be a model for. Someone recently told me, that the way I allow my husband to treat me, is the way my daughter will allow her husband to treat her. Would you want your twin daughters to bring home a man like their dad? or would you have better expectations for your children? Listen to your family, they love you unconditionally and they want the best for their baby, and for your babies!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
I appreciate all of the support and advice so much! I know that only time will tell what the future will bring and what will happen with my husband. I guess it makes me so sad that he is missing so many important things in our babies' lives. So many new things that they are learning everyday already. I know his actions are HIS only, but I think I have such a soft heart and especially for him- and I hate that he is missing these days that he will never get back.
I hate this process and feel like I've already been going through it for soo long. It was easy to leave because I knew I couldn't have my daughters in that toxic environment. I think now the hardest part is giving the situation the time that it needs.
I hate this process and feel like I've already been going through it for soo long. It was easy to leave because I knew I couldn't have my daughters in that toxic environment. I think now the hardest part is giving the situation the time that it needs.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My parents divorced when I was 1 1/2, I spent my weekdays with my mothers parents and the weekends with one or the other parent. When it was my Dad's weekend he would take me over to his parents house and leave me there while he went out and drank. He wasn't interested in what I was doing, he was interested in having soem fun.
My point is, you cannot project whether another person is missing something or not. Those are your feelings that you are trying to overlay on your husband.
To me, if he really had an interest in being a father he would have embraced recovery long before they were born, he would have been clean and sober for them and you.
I know this is a challenge for you, however, you and your girls are where you need to be for now.
This disease called addiction, has tenacles that reach far and wide and negatively effect everything they come in contact with. Take this time away from him to learn all you can about addiction and codependency.
Warm hugs and support heading your way!
My point is, you cannot project whether another person is missing something or not. Those are your feelings that you are trying to overlay on your husband.
To me, if he really had an interest in being a father he would have embraced recovery long before they were born, he would have been clean and sober for them and you.
I know this is a challenge for you, however, you and your girls are where you need to be for now.
This disease called addiction, has tenacles that reach far and wide and negatively effect everything they come in contact with. Take this time away from him to learn all you can about addiction and codependency.
Warm hugs and support heading your way!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR......you've come to a place where there is a lot of support and collective wisdom. Everyone here has experience in loving an addict.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this difficult situation. You have a lot on your plate right now and there is not a thing wrong with taking things slowly and giving your husband the opportunity to demonstrate that he is sincere. Actions do speak louder than words.
You are taking care of yourself and your little ones and that is such a brave, intelligent, and loving thing to do. No need to make a decision today. Time will tell whether he is sincere. Sometimes no specific action on your part is necessary. The ball is in his court.
You, your little baby girls and your husband will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this difficult situation. You have a lot on your plate right now and there is not a thing wrong with taking things slowly and giving your husband the opportunity to demonstrate that he is sincere. Actions do speak louder than words.
You are taking care of yourself and your little ones and that is such a brave, intelligent, and loving thing to do. No need to make a decision today. Time will tell whether he is sincere. Sometimes no specific action on your part is necessary. The ball is in his court.
You, your little baby girls and your husband will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by MRM228 
I feel so helpless at this point in my life. After 4 years of dating the love of my life, at 22 we got pregnant and decided to get married. Although he had been in and out of short stays in jail which were all alchohol or marajuana related, I thought for sure he'd change when our babies (yes, twin girls) arrived 4 months ago. He was even in court mandated rehab for the last 3 months of my pregnancy.
But now I've left my husband. After only having our babies home and living together for about 4 weeks, he exploded one day. But RIGHT after he got home from rehab he began smoking herbal incensce again, drinking bottles of cough syrup and huffing cans of air. ALL in the presence of our newborn babies. I couldn't take it anymore.
He now calls me all the time. He tells me things I've never heard him admit before. He tells me he HAS hit rock bottom since he has lost his wife and daughters and hasn't seen us in 5 weeks. He says he doesn't want to regret his actions after rehab for the next 50 years of his life and just wants one more chance. He says even if i don't come back he's going to change for himself and that he will be at his meetings, counseling, everything it takes.
This IS the love of my life and the father of my kids. ALL I want is for him to change himself for good and to be a good dad. But DO I give him this last chance? My family convinces me to leave him, get a divorce. But I feel that MAYBE if i do not go back to him until he takes action in his life and shows a difference, then maybe that could work. I'm so dsperate and feel SO alone because my family won't even speak his name. They say if I go back to him then they will have nothing to do with me. Which is heartbreaking.
Any advice..experiences..ANYTHING would help. Sorry so long.
But now I've left my husband. After only having our babies home and living together for about 4 weeks, he exploded one day. But RIGHT after he got home from rehab he began smoking herbal incensce again, drinking bottles of cough syrup and huffing cans of air. ALL in the presence of our newborn babies. I couldn't take it anymore.
He now calls me all the time. He tells me things I've never heard him admit before. He tells me he HAS hit rock bottom since he has lost his wife and daughters and hasn't seen us in 5 weeks. He says he doesn't want to regret his actions after rehab for the next 50 years of his life and just wants one more chance. He says even if i don't come back he's going to change for himself and that he will be at his meetings, counseling, everything it takes.
This IS the love of my life and the father of my kids. ALL I want is for him to change himself for good and to be a good dad. But DO I give him this last chance? My family convinces me to leave him, get a divorce. But I feel that MAYBE if i do not go back to him until he takes action in his life and shows a difference, then maybe that could work. I'm so dsperate and feel SO alone because my family won't even speak his name. They say if I go back to him then they will have nothing to do with me. Which is heartbreaking.
Any advice..experiences..ANYTHING would help. Sorry so long.
I feel for your emotional situation. Must be hard, but not as hard as it was to live with the insanity that was going on. and while your little ones and yourself were at such a tender time in life.
Don't take away his motivation. He may be spurred to get help if he has lost the things most important to him. Only when he faces reality can he make recovery choices or not. If you give him back the world where he can abuse his self and still have a place to stay and hide from reality, he may never feel the pain that could motivate him to change. But you would feel the pain everyday, and those little girls deserve a momma who is able to smile in their little faces each day, which teaches them to smile each day. we hold the key to their happiness, don't let a sick person hold that key. they will only lock everyone up in their sick world with them.
my best to you, stick around here, it will help you so much. you are not alone, and you will find good support here.
You would not really be giving him one last chance, you would be giving him another chance to hurt his self, you, and those sweet baby girls. He says he will do it anyway- let him prove that , it takes time. be glad that your babies arent old enough to be asking about where he is, or why he makes mommy cry. time is your friend. So is this place. hang in there momma and focus on you and the babies. let him go for a while. he has not done much with his life, except not care for it much. you deserve much more, and so dot he girls. what is it gonna take for him to learn? and his life is out of your control, period.
hugs
chicory
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