Sobriety and Friends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 22
Sobriety and Friends
I'm 27. I quit drinking for about a year and a half back in 2009.
I started feeling really awkward being the sober person every time I went out. It seems like everything revolved around drinking. The beach, bowling, movie nights....everything involved drinking. And I was miserable. And I blamed it all on not being able to drink.
I convinced myself that I could become a social drinker and control my alcohol consumption. And I started drinking again.
And so the downward spiral began.....crashing my car, lying to my loved ones about how much I had been drinking, sneaking it, etc.
But I felt "happier" if that even makes sense. I felt like no matter how bad my life got in all other areas, I looked forward to going out and I had "friends" and a good social life.
The thought of being sober again scared me. What would happen to my social life? I'd go back to being miserable every time I had to attend a wedding, party, or other social event.
And then it hit me. Maybe my issue isn't as simple as being able to drink or not. Maybe my issues are deeper. And that scares me.
I've always made it seem simple: If I drink, I will have fun. If I don't drink, I will be miserable.
I think I have social anxiety...I worry about what other people think about me. I worry that I am too shy or will have nothing to say. So instead of focusing on the real reason I feel awkward going to social gatherings, I blame my unhappiness on not being able to drink.
Maybe I'm generally not happy with my life and turn to drinking as an excuse to not focus on everything else.
I've let the fact that I just CANNOT be a social drinker depress me. How can I get over this fact and start focusing on the things I can change???
I started feeling really awkward being the sober person every time I went out. It seems like everything revolved around drinking. The beach, bowling, movie nights....everything involved drinking. And I was miserable. And I blamed it all on not being able to drink.
I convinced myself that I could become a social drinker and control my alcohol consumption. And I started drinking again.
And so the downward spiral began.....crashing my car, lying to my loved ones about how much I had been drinking, sneaking it, etc.
But I felt "happier" if that even makes sense. I felt like no matter how bad my life got in all other areas, I looked forward to going out and I had "friends" and a good social life.
The thought of being sober again scared me. What would happen to my social life? I'd go back to being miserable every time I had to attend a wedding, party, or other social event.
And then it hit me. Maybe my issue isn't as simple as being able to drink or not. Maybe my issues are deeper. And that scares me.
I've always made it seem simple: If I drink, I will have fun. If I don't drink, I will be miserable.
I think I have social anxiety...I worry about what other people think about me. I worry that I am too shy or will have nothing to say. So instead of focusing on the real reason I feel awkward going to social gatherings, I blame my unhappiness on not being able to drink.
Maybe I'm generally not happy with my life and turn to drinking as an excuse to not focus on everything else.
I've let the fact that I just CANNOT be a social drinker depress me. How can I get over this fact and start focusing on the things I can change???
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Many of us here deal with social anxiety, and it's not easy. Sadly though, drinking doesn't make it better. Ultimately the drinking destroys us.
I think that recovery involves making lots of changes. I think that you can't just stop drinking and continue living the same life. Most often, it won't work. I don't go out as much as I used to, and I like it that way. I have learned to totally enjoy being alone, something that I feared when I was drinking.
I think that recovery involves making lots of changes. I think that you can't just stop drinking and continue living the same life. Most often, it won't work. I don't go out as much as I used to, and I like it that way. I have learned to totally enjoy being alone, something that I feared when I was drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: somewhere, tx
Posts: 128
And This Too Shall Pass...
It sounds like you're focusing on the future instead of just today and that will make you crazy. If you concentrate on staying sober one day at a time, it will be easier. I totally get where you're coming from. If going out with your friends and watching them drink makes you miserable, then for now, don't go out with them. Your sobriety is a lot more important.
You will reach a point where you won't miss drinking any longer, when being sober will be the "norm".
In the meantime, please keep posting!
You will reach a point where you won't miss drinking any longer, when being sober will be the "norm".
In the meantime, please keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 111
Covered, I can relate to the feelings that you're going through. I was also 27 when I first attempted to get sober and I remember feeling like I couldn't turn around anywhere and not be face to face with every activity revolving around drinking be it at work, with friends, on television, etc.
With time, I saw better that part of this was reality and part of it was my perception being so on edge.
Ultimately I had to make some difficult decisions about the who/when/where my social life included. I had to stop doing some things and discovered which of my friends were just as much fun when activities were pre-planned as non-drinking.
Also, I found AA a great place to make new sober friends.
Good luck, keep talking it all through, it helps!
With time, I saw better that part of this was reality and part of it was my perception being so on edge.
Ultimately I had to make some difficult decisions about the who/when/where my social life included. I had to stop doing some things and discovered which of my friends were just as much fun when activities were pre-planned as non-drinking.
Also, I found AA a great place to make new sober friends.
Good luck, keep talking it all through, it helps!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hi coveredinrain,
some good advice here
I spent years trying to live the same life and yet not drink, or not drink as much.
That's kind of hard to do when the people I chose to be with centred their lives around drinking too.
Even tho the negatives far outweighed the positives in my drinking life, I was scared of being sober - I thought I'd 'lose' me...but instead I found myself again.
Yes, it took some big changes - I'm not as social, I'm a lot quieter - but it's the real me.
I have more fun more joy and more fulfillment in my life now than I ever did partying.
I know I'm a little bit older than you (ok a lot LOL) but I know you'll hear the same from other young members too.
It is possible to be young free...and sober
D
some good advice here
I spent years trying to live the same life and yet not drink, or not drink as much.
That's kind of hard to do when the people I chose to be with centred their lives around drinking too.
Even tho the negatives far outweighed the positives in my drinking life, I was scared of being sober - I thought I'd 'lose' me...but instead I found myself again.
Yes, it took some big changes - I'm not as social, I'm a lot quieter - but it's the real me.
I have more fun more joy and more fulfillment in my life now than I ever did partying.
I know I'm a little bit older than you (ok a lot LOL) but I know you'll hear the same from other young members too.
It is possible to be young free...and sober
D
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 148
I feel ya 100% on that. There are pros on cons to being sober imo
Not trying to sound like too much of a dick, but in a way I think drinking allowed me to dumb myself down so I can talk to other people. I get easily annoyed and don't have much of an attention span for certain people's stories.
It's awesome never being hungover though and some nights with friends aren't so bad. Just gotta try and focus on the positive as cliche as that is... Good luck
Not trying to sound like too much of a dick, but in a way I think drinking allowed me to dumb myself down so I can talk to other people. I get easily annoyed and don't have much of an attention span for certain people's stories.
It's awesome never being hungover though and some nights with friends aren't so bad. Just gotta try and focus on the positive as cliche as that is... Good luck
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
I can so relate and instead of worrying about the not drinking aspect of it I've been taking the opportunity to try to learn how to just be myself, my sober self free of anything else but me. To go out in public sober and meet people and talk with people and hang out with my friends etc. without alcohol and think to myself, wow, so this is who I am. I learn good things about myself and not so good things about myself that I hope to improve upon. I pay attention to how I am naturally and here are some things I've learned... I hope they help, maybe you can do the same thing when you're out.
I learn I am funny (wow... I thought it was the alcohol that made me funny) and that I listen to what people say and think about it deeply and that I am a caring person.
I learn that sometimes I get this hyper anxiety going where I just talk too much, ramble about myself, but that when I'm not in that state I can express myself much more clearly than I used to think I could... and much better than when I'm under the influence.
I learn that I'm much more level/clear-headed about things, I'm no longer the girl who can't find her ID or her keys or her car! I am a more down-to-earth common-sense type of person but I am also a happy-go-lucky easy-going person.
I learn that I am capable of being an honest person and being true to myself and living an authentic life. It feels good not to be afraid that dirty secrets will come out, that I'll see someone important when I'm out drinking, that someone will find out about something stupid I did when I was drunk, and it also feels good to not have to keep track of my lies, or sneak drinks or lines before or in between events so that people don't know how much I've been doing (or to wonder how messed up I really appear to them).
I have to admit this is the first time I have liked who I am. Sometimes I feel socially awkward, I don't know what to say or I say the wrong things or at times when my emotions are swinging high I'm afraid I'll just start to cry out of nowhere. But I accept myself for who I am right now and forgive myself for slip-ups. I remind myself that the important thing is that I genuinely care about people, my friends and even new people I meet, and myself, and I am just trying to put myself out there.
In becoming more honest with myself I've been learning to be more honest with other people and not be afraid to tell them, this is my opinion, this is what I think, this is what I feel, in an upfront yet gentle way.
When I set aside my obsession with alcohol-- either wanting to drink it or wanting to not drink it or wondering if I should/could/maybe/one day drink it etc.-- I actually have a good time being sober and hanging out with people (whether they're all drinking in a place where they can drink, or whether they're all sober), for the first time in like, ever. Or maybe since high school and college when I was more accepting of myself (and when I didn't have the constant social pressure to drink or a lifestyle that revolved around drinking), except that I saw myself as an outcast or a nerd and kind of clung to that identity... now I see myself as just a person, worthy of love and friendship and support etc. like any other person, and willing to give that to other people. Instead of selfishly bottling myself up (no pun intended ha ha) with alcohol and numbing my emotions and living in my head (although I still live in my head... I just try to come out into the real world and live among real people sometimes).
I have found there's a great difference in my mental state when I'm completely sober as compared to when I have even just one drink. Every day I find myself more at peace and at ease with myself, except for when I am having a wild emotional mood swing and I feel all anxious and overwhelmed and emotional... but even then, it's me, it's the feelings coming out, and people can take me or leave me... so far they have taken me and I appreciate that. :-)
I'm learning how to say (with my actions and with how I feel around them, of course not necessarily with my words), to my friends and to people in social situations I just meet, etc., this is who I am, and I'm happy about it because I've worked to get here and I accept myself, so, accept me or not, it's your choice and it doesn't matter to me either way... and also to accept people for who they are right now (which isn't always easy at all).
So I really think that if we develop this attitude of being true to ourselves, observing ourselves and others, we will be even less inclined to drink even if everyone else is drinking, because that kind of process requires a clear head. And for me sometimes it's kind of like when I'm eating healthy and everyone else is ordering french fries and milkshakes... yeah it looks good but I have to realize that I am making a healthy choice for myself no matter what other people are doing, and I won't have to worry about extra calories going to my thighs! So with drinking, yeah they look like they're having fun but I don't have to worry about saying or doing something stupid or that I'll regret, or waking up in the morning with a hangover. I am making the best choice for me no matter what everyone else is doing. Sorry for getting long-winded, I hope something I've said has helped.
I learn I am funny (wow... I thought it was the alcohol that made me funny) and that I listen to what people say and think about it deeply and that I am a caring person.
I learn that sometimes I get this hyper anxiety going where I just talk too much, ramble about myself, but that when I'm not in that state I can express myself much more clearly than I used to think I could... and much better than when I'm under the influence.
I learn that I'm much more level/clear-headed about things, I'm no longer the girl who can't find her ID or her keys or her car! I am a more down-to-earth common-sense type of person but I am also a happy-go-lucky easy-going person.
I learn that I am capable of being an honest person and being true to myself and living an authentic life. It feels good not to be afraid that dirty secrets will come out, that I'll see someone important when I'm out drinking, that someone will find out about something stupid I did when I was drunk, and it also feels good to not have to keep track of my lies, or sneak drinks or lines before or in between events so that people don't know how much I've been doing (or to wonder how messed up I really appear to them).
I have to admit this is the first time I have liked who I am. Sometimes I feel socially awkward, I don't know what to say or I say the wrong things or at times when my emotions are swinging high I'm afraid I'll just start to cry out of nowhere. But I accept myself for who I am right now and forgive myself for slip-ups. I remind myself that the important thing is that I genuinely care about people, my friends and even new people I meet, and myself, and I am just trying to put myself out there.
In becoming more honest with myself I've been learning to be more honest with other people and not be afraid to tell them, this is my opinion, this is what I think, this is what I feel, in an upfront yet gentle way.
When I set aside my obsession with alcohol-- either wanting to drink it or wanting to not drink it or wondering if I should/could/maybe/one day drink it etc.-- I actually have a good time being sober and hanging out with people (whether they're all drinking in a place where they can drink, or whether they're all sober), for the first time in like, ever. Or maybe since high school and college when I was more accepting of myself (and when I didn't have the constant social pressure to drink or a lifestyle that revolved around drinking), except that I saw myself as an outcast or a nerd and kind of clung to that identity... now I see myself as just a person, worthy of love and friendship and support etc. like any other person, and willing to give that to other people. Instead of selfishly bottling myself up (no pun intended ha ha) with alcohol and numbing my emotions and living in my head (although I still live in my head... I just try to come out into the real world and live among real people sometimes).
I have found there's a great difference in my mental state when I'm completely sober as compared to when I have even just one drink. Every day I find myself more at peace and at ease with myself, except for when I am having a wild emotional mood swing and I feel all anxious and overwhelmed and emotional... but even then, it's me, it's the feelings coming out, and people can take me or leave me... so far they have taken me and I appreciate that. :-)
I'm learning how to say (with my actions and with how I feel around them, of course not necessarily with my words), to my friends and to people in social situations I just meet, etc., this is who I am, and I'm happy about it because I've worked to get here and I accept myself, so, accept me or not, it's your choice and it doesn't matter to me either way... and also to accept people for who they are right now (which isn't always easy at all).
So I really think that if we develop this attitude of being true to ourselves, observing ourselves and others, we will be even less inclined to drink even if everyone else is drinking, because that kind of process requires a clear head. And for me sometimes it's kind of like when I'm eating healthy and everyone else is ordering french fries and milkshakes... yeah it looks good but I have to realize that I am making a healthy choice for myself no matter what other people are doing, and I won't have to worry about extra calories going to my thighs! So with drinking, yeah they look like they're having fun but I don't have to worry about saying or doing something stupid or that I'll regret, or waking up in the morning with a hangover. I am making the best choice for me no matter what everyone else is doing. Sorry for getting long-winded, I hope something I've said has helped.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
Originally Posted by CoveredInRain 
I think I have social anxiety...I worry about what other people think about me. I worry that I am too shy or will have nothing to say. So instead of focusing on the real reason I feel awkward going to social gatherings, I blame my unhappiness on not being able to drink.
Looking on your brighter side you should blame your happiness on not wanting to drink.
Wishing you peace and strength.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 426
You know, for a very long time I would know that I had a problem drinking but would continue to drink - to not make my friends feel uncomfortable or shake up our normal routine. REALLY??? It took me a very long time to realize that I was only hurting myself and that my true friends will happily join me for a coffee or a walk or happily keep my diet coke filled if I happen to be in a drinking situation. I'm not around my old crew of friends anymore after I moved away from everyone, but I remember in one of my many times of quitting drinking that I would only show my face at these events for a little bit and then I would split. It may not be as fun as you remember from the drinking days, but you have your self-respect and can be proud of yourself for putting yourself first. Even though drinking makes you "feel" like you are awesome, it's really sneaking in from another angle and taking away your self esteem. After awhile, you do realize your stability and regaining of confidence outweighs 10 nights at the bar/bowling alley.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 2
I feel the same way. Ive heard the phrase, "people don't enjoy being around us when we use" but i don't think that necessarily applies to everyone. I too feel I have social anxiety. However my social lubricant of choice is xanax. When im on it im much more outgoing and friendly. I suggest you see your doctor about possibly going on ssris that may help with your social anxiety. DO NOT go the xanax route or any other benzodiazepine for that matter. These drugs are absolute hell to come off of.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 65
Definitely can empathize with this post. I am 24, and have had the same group of friends since elementary/middle school. We all got into drinking/pot at high school age, and that kind of became the centerpiece of the friendship. Now I am coming to terms with the fact that I abuse alcohol (lose control of how much I drink once I start, am unable to stop for more than a few days) and I'm scared of losing these friends. When you've known people since you were 6 or 7 years old, there is a deep connection there, and I love these people. But now when we hang out, they all still drink heavily and I do feel left out, like why can't I just drink with my friends like I used to?
It's tough, but for now being sober is the best thing for me, so if that means i have to hang out with them less or only in situations that don't involve alcohol, so be it. I feel like our friendships are strong enough to survive this.
It's tough, but for now being sober is the best thing for me, so if that means i have to hang out with them less or only in situations that don't involve alcohol, so be it. I feel like our friendships are strong enough to survive this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I was in a very similar position as you. When I For sober I started working with a wonderful life coach to address my underlying issues. I am comfortable today in social situations where I am the o ly one not drinking.
Practice Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KC missouri
Posts: 885
Alcohol was a quick fix for feeling sad, feeling happy, and allowed me to feel Good instantly. It takes work to know what makes you sad, happy, and how to feel good without it. If you just take away the booze and don't provide me with any knowledge on how I am getting better or get better, then I will just be super angry all the time.
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