Having a hard time forgiving-
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 16
Having a hard time forgiving-
My boyfriend has been sober for his first week. As I am incredibly proud of him, and extremely hopeful for the future, for some reason though I am still angry.
I keep mulling over what I've been through the last year. It's as if I never actually sat and looked at everything. Now that hes not drinking, I am relieved I wont have to worry about my weekends, lieing for him, explaining his "behavior" to outsiders, but then I reminis about how badly this year has gone, how much Ive ignored, how much I swept under the carpet because I didnt want to see how dirty my floor was...etc
When hes around I want to scream at him. I want to tell him EVERY single thing hes done to me because ,believe me, I remember every single detail. I want to actually hurt him, not physically, but mentally/emotionally I want him sobbing. I know that is such a horrible thing to say but I cantI help it. Im just so incredibly pissed off.
I have crazy resentment towards him. And now that he's sober, he's naturally going through what I suspected he would be: boredom, depression, irritability, very annoyed, cant sleep, etc.
I feel like Im owed something. I feel like he owes me something.
I need to learn to accept what has happened and move on from it and look ahead. I know these are the things I need to do.
But you know sometimes when you just actually "enjoy" stewing in your annoyance....Im just in a pit of pissyness.
I keep mulling over what I've been through the last year. It's as if I never actually sat and looked at everything. Now that hes not drinking, I am relieved I wont have to worry about my weekends, lieing for him, explaining his "behavior" to outsiders, but then I reminis about how badly this year has gone, how much Ive ignored, how much I swept under the carpet because I didnt want to see how dirty my floor was...etc
When hes around I want to scream at him. I want to tell him EVERY single thing hes done to me because ,believe me, I remember every single detail. I want to actually hurt him, not physically, but mentally/emotionally I want him sobbing. I know that is such a horrible thing to say but I cantI help it. Im just so incredibly pissed off.
I have crazy resentment towards him. And now that he's sober, he's naturally going through what I suspected he would be: boredom, depression, irritability, very annoyed, cant sleep, etc.
I feel like Im owed something. I feel like he owes me something.
I need to learn to accept what has happened and move on from it and look ahead. I know these are the things I need to do.
But you know sometimes when you just actually "enjoy" stewing in your annoyance....Im just in a pit of pissyness.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: By a River
Posts: 83
Very understandable, Saberhead.
After having all the joy of life drained out of you and living in a pereptual state of anxious exhaustion, it's hard to just bounce back.
You've been living in a state of rage. Healthy love can flourish only within an environment of mutual respect and admiration and consideration --- qualities which have ben in short supply in him. He has repeatedly hurt and disappointed you - the very person who cares the most about him.
And, at the same time, you have a heart that has been anbesthetized; you've become kind of indifferent and detached, putting up your walls to keep from getting hurt again. And it's hard to let those walls down.
But if we were never hurt, there would be no need for forgiveness.
No wave of a wand will put things back like they once were. We can't press an "undo" button and hope to see our lives returned to the way we once knew them or the way we hoped they would turn out.
It's a fact of life. Pain is unavoidable in this world. We will be hurt, wronged and offended by others. There's no way around it.
He is your offender, and you want to make him pay for what he has done. Until you determine that an adequate penalty has been paid, you want to reserve the right to punish him. You are grabbing hold of the hurt and refusing to let go. You want to hold him hostage; keep him in prison.
But the problem with that is that it does more than keep him in prison; it puts you in prison.
Forgiving means that someone has hurt you - and you have a right to be hurt. Things have been done to you which are unfair, and will always be unfair. You have a right to be angry - he did not have the right to do what he did to hurt you. But forgiveness requires giving up something which you have a right to - namely, your anger and resentment.
The first person that forgiveness changes is the person doing the forgiving. Forgiving does not mean denying your feelings. It doesn't mean condoning. You don't have to forget to forgive.
It will take time. But eventually you will be able to break the stranglehold of anger in your heart and set YOURSELF free.
After having all the joy of life drained out of you and living in a pereptual state of anxious exhaustion, it's hard to just bounce back.
You've been living in a state of rage. Healthy love can flourish only within an environment of mutual respect and admiration and consideration --- qualities which have ben in short supply in him. He has repeatedly hurt and disappointed you - the very person who cares the most about him.
And, at the same time, you have a heart that has been anbesthetized; you've become kind of indifferent and detached, putting up your walls to keep from getting hurt again. And it's hard to let those walls down.
But if we were never hurt, there would be no need for forgiveness.
No wave of a wand will put things back like they once were. We can't press an "undo" button and hope to see our lives returned to the way we once knew them or the way we hoped they would turn out.
It's a fact of life. Pain is unavoidable in this world. We will be hurt, wronged and offended by others. There's no way around it.
He is your offender, and you want to make him pay for what he has done. Until you determine that an adequate penalty has been paid, you want to reserve the right to punish him. You are grabbing hold of the hurt and refusing to let go. You want to hold him hostage; keep him in prison.
But the problem with that is that it does more than keep him in prison; it puts you in prison.
Forgiving means that someone has hurt you - and you have a right to be hurt. Things have been done to you which are unfair, and will always be unfair. You have a right to be angry - he did not have the right to do what he did to hurt you. But forgiveness requires giving up something which you have a right to - namely, your anger and resentment.
The first person that forgiveness changes is the person doing the forgiving. Forgiving does not mean denying your feelings. It doesn't mean condoning. You don't have to forget to forgive.
It will take time. But eventually you will be able to break the stranglehold of anger in your heart and set YOURSELF free.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hey Saber -
I wouldn't even put 'forgiveness' on the agenda
until there's been as much sober time
as there was drunk time.
One week of sober
doesn't make up for
years of drunk.
For now ... maybe just let it be 'today'.
I wouldn't even put 'forgiveness' on the agenda
until there's been as much sober time
as there was drunk time.
One week of sober
doesn't make up for
years of drunk.
For now ... maybe just let it be 'today'.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: By a River
Posts: 83
Listen to Barb, she's much farther along than I am! Who knows what I would do? I would like to think I would forgive, as I know if I didn't, I would become more and more bitter.
Look at it this way: I would love to be in your position to find out!
Look at it this way: I would love to be in your position to find out!
Chaotically Peaceful
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: A state of peace
Posts: 322
I'm with Barb. Trust comes at a price. For me, it is given freely only once. After that, it has to be earned back. And I'm quite the skeptic anymore so that price is pretty high.
Now the anger...I hope you can find a way to move past that because more than anything, it just tears us apart inside. One of my favorite quotes is "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." AlAnon might be a really good start if you haven't considered it before.
Now the anger...I hope you can find a way to move past that because more than anything, it just tears us apart inside. One of my favorite quotes is "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." AlAnon might be a really good start if you haven't considered it before.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Seattle
Posts: 16
Thank you everyone-
I know I need to give myself time. I just cant believe how passively I let this build up. I always thought of myself as a strong person but I let this build for so long that now im in this position.
Im trying my best though.
I ask myself "honestly though, what would make you feel better concerning your relationship?" and I just keep thinking everything and nothing. Its as if I want him to do everything nice in the world for me, and then on the other hand I think wow thats not going to really help.
I guess all I really want is for him to KNOW everything hes done. I know hes a conscious person, and I know hes probably thought about it. Im sure he doesnt want it rubbed in his face, who does really? Its something I have to deal with on my own I guess.
It's nice to know others feel the same. I would love to hear stories or thoughts of anyone that is going through the same thing.
I know I need to give myself time. I just cant believe how passively I let this build up. I always thought of myself as a strong person but I let this build for so long that now im in this position.
Im trying my best though.
I ask myself "honestly though, what would make you feel better concerning your relationship?" and I just keep thinking everything and nothing. Its as if I want him to do everything nice in the world for me, and then on the other hand I think wow thats not going to really help.
I guess all I really want is for him to KNOW everything hes done. I know hes a conscious person, and I know hes probably thought about it. Im sure he doesnt want it rubbed in his face, who does really? Its something I have to deal with on my own I guess.
It's nice to know others feel the same. I would love to hear stories or thoughts of anyone that is going through the same thing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: By a River
Posts: 83
SKW, I almost used that same poison quote in my post!
I'm stuck on the forgiveness part...and have been thinking about it since I first posted.
How can you rid yourself of the bitterness and resentment if you don't forgive? I know the man my AH was, before this DISEASE took over his life. It's beyond his control now. He can't get better without help, just like a cancer patient can't get better without treatment.
Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it's for yourself. It doesn't mean that you accept his actions; or condone his actions; it means you have to let the anger and bitterness go for your OWN sake.
Trust...that's a whole 'nother issue!
I'm stuck on the forgiveness part...and have been thinking about it since I first posted.
How can you rid yourself of the bitterness and resentment if you don't forgive? I know the man my AH was, before this DISEASE took over his life. It's beyond his control now. He can't get better without help, just like a cancer patient can't get better without treatment.
Forgiveness isn't for the other person, it's for yourself. It doesn't mean that you accept his actions; or condone his actions; it means you have to let the anger and bitterness go for your OWN sake.
Trust...that's a whole 'nother issue!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
He's not sober. He's just not drinking right now. I don't call that sober, I call that not drunk.
There is a difference.
Him not consuming alcohol for a little while is not going to magically change him into this wonderful person, you need to realize this. ESPECIALLY if he is not in a program of recovery. Major aspects about his life will have to change, and these things take years. Expecting things to magically fall into place even in the first 12 months is an expectation that will disappoint you every time.
In you last thread you said this past weekend was the bbq where he drank like crazy, and overnight into the morning while you were in bed crying. You then said that in the course of the next three days he had one beer. That would mean that he has not been "sober" for a week.
Just doing the math.
There is a difference.
Him not consuming alcohol for a little while is not going to magically change him into this wonderful person, you need to realize this. ESPECIALLY if he is not in a program of recovery. Major aspects about his life will have to change, and these things take years. Expecting things to magically fall into place even in the first 12 months is an expectation that will disappoint you every time.
In you last thread you said this past weekend was the bbq where he drank like crazy, and overnight into the morning while you were in bed crying. You then said that in the course of the next three days he had one beer. That would mean that he has not been "sober" for a week.
Just doing the math.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When you start working on making some changes in yourself, you will find it easier to put the past in the past and live with what's going on right now. Change does seem slow in coming, and it's natural that we feel "owed". But what's happened has happened; he can't undo what happened even if he gets well and even if he does his best to make amends.
There isn't a perfect balance sheet in life. There are, no doubt, things you've done in your own life that hurt someone that you can never really take back or undo, as much as you might like to.
Get involved in your own life, and great things will happen for you, regardless of what he does.
There isn't a perfect balance sheet in life. There are, no doubt, things you've done in your own life that hurt someone that you can never really take back or undo, as much as you might like to.
Get involved in your own life, and great things will happen for you, regardless of what he does.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Yep....what Chino said !!!
Saberhead...I know its tough...but is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Really? As long as you're with him, you're going to have to live with and accept the possiblity of relapse. This is a life long disease you know. Think about you and your future!!
Saberhead...I know its tough...but is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Really? As long as you're with him, you're going to have to live with and accept the possiblity of relapse. This is a life long disease you know. Think about you and your future!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
Saber: In my humble opinion, after going to Al-Anon now for 2 years and participating in my husband's rehab program by going to counseling with him, I've learned that you can only live one day at a time, be grateful for every day he does not drink. My husband relapses every so often, it is a struggle. All you can do is take care of yourself, don't wrap yourself up in it. Believe me, I have had many fights with my husband when he drinks/drank - but when he sobers up, his wonderful self is back. When my husband is drunk, he's a totally different person. I have learned to detach from it with love, we have an agreement that I will respect his right to drink and do behaviors I do not approve of AS LONG AS i can do what I need to do to not be around it. I sleep in another room and went as far as going to a hotel when I can't take it ... if he balks, I remind him of our agreement and everything works itself out. Just live in the present, forget about the past, it's gone and should be forgotten. Alcoholism is a disease which none of us has control over. Our love for each other always prevails ... I get "stinking thinking" alot, I learned to meditate, got some new hobbies, and try to detach and take care of myself. That's all I can do... I pray every day my husband is sober that he remains so, and when he slips, I go to our agreement, I take care of myself and try my best to take my mind off of it all. It's very very hard, I'm not perfect, still working really hard; but like I say if there is love there, it will prevail. Good luck to you and God's speed.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Sounds normal but a week really isn't going to tell you anything at all so you are on your own to work through it. He is still in a complete fog.
My suggestion is to really get to the heart of that anger. My anger came from things not going as the picture I had in my mind. It came from allowing myself to get caught up with someone else's issue. My anger came from a deeper place that had nothing to do with him. I knew that at any time I could have walked away.
We choose to stay. For whatever our own personal reasons as to why we stay or love them, it is still our choice to go through this.
He did things that made me mad, sure. But to be mad AT him serves me no purpose. It doesn't make his recovery any easier. I figured out that my anger comes from the fact that he isn't meeting my expectations. How things are 'supposed' to be. But that is fantasy thinking. Having expectations is setting me up for more potential anger and heartbreak. So as he goes through this recovery stuff, I am trying not to have any. Zero. Nada. Just live my life and hope he sorts himself out.
There is no pay out for waiting. Holding onto anger is a veiled way of still trying to control the outcome.
My suggestion is to really get to the heart of that anger. My anger came from things not going as the picture I had in my mind. It came from allowing myself to get caught up with someone else's issue. My anger came from a deeper place that had nothing to do with him. I knew that at any time I could have walked away.
We choose to stay. For whatever our own personal reasons as to why we stay or love them, it is still our choice to go through this.
He did things that made me mad, sure. But to be mad AT him serves me no purpose. It doesn't make his recovery any easier. I figured out that my anger comes from the fact that he isn't meeting my expectations. How things are 'supposed' to be. But that is fantasy thinking. Having expectations is setting me up for more potential anger and heartbreak. So as he goes through this recovery stuff, I am trying not to have any. Zero. Nada. Just live my life and hope he sorts himself out.
There is no pay out for waiting. Holding onto anger is a veiled way of still trying to control the outcome.
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,360
On the subject of doing for one's self...I started a really good workout. In my world, there is nothing quite as good as hard and heavy breathing, muscular exertion, sweat and focusing on a workout, for channeling my anger. Takes the edge off. (Also good for the lack of sex that tends to accompany drinking.) In addition - HEY it's an hour well-spent in my OWN company, focusing on ME and making MYSELF better. Yea.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
To follow up on Meredith's post - I took a class called, Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. Mindful meditation has changed my life and when things get really tough, I go to my spare room that's my home office, turn off the lights, plug in and meditate. Be in the present, be one with your breath, total silence. You can meditate while walking, eating, driving your car (with your eyes open, please), it's wild!... be one with your breath...... Ahhhhh, it's the best! 
My RAH took the class with me, he does meditation with me too. We had a blast, it made us just that little bit closer.
My RAH took the class with me, he does meditation with me too. We had a blast, it made us just that little bit closer.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Stat thinking about what you're grateful. And I mean in lief in general, not focused on him. I was really po'd at my ex too, but then I realized I was really nuclearly po'd at myself for a) letting his treat me like dirt and b) sticking around so he could do so some more.
You know what??? I needed that relationship. If I hadn't had this experience, I'd still be letting people walk all over me and trying to be the perfect little people pleaser. So, while I'm now 99.9999999% convinced he's just a jerk sober or not, I'm glad I met him. I'm fixing me and doing a damn good job of it too!
You know what??? I needed that relationship. If I hadn't had this experience, I'd still be letting people walk all over me and trying to be the perfect little people pleaser. So, while I'm now 99.9999999% convinced he's just a jerk sober or not, I'm glad I met him. I'm fixing me and doing a damn good job of it too!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by Portia123 
Our love for each other always prevails ... I get "stinking thinking" alot, I learned to meditate, got some new hobbies, and try to detach and take care of myself. That's all I can do... I pray every day my husband is sober that he remains so, and when he slips, I go to our agreement, I take care of myself and try my best to take my mind off of it all. It's very very hard, I'm not perfect, still working really hard; but like I say if there is love there, it will prevail. Good luck to you and God's speed.
What I did learn here is that I can take responsibility for my own recovery. I was probably as damaged by her drinking as she was. You can do NOTHING to help him recover. That is his to own and do with what he will. Remember the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
I wish you both the best of luck with this but if I look in my crystal ball I see you here in the future telling someone basically the same things I'm telling you now. Someone posted the lyrics to a song about AA here and this line is from it and I think it applies. "I've been there and that's why I'm here".
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 86
Mike - I can appreciate what you're saying and in your case what you say is true for you. In my situation, love does prevail. We love each other very much. When he is not drinking, we have a great life. He does not abuse me when he drinks. He just becomes a person I don't to hang around with and I get angry because I don't have my real husband when he drinks.
I'm just sayin' that "could be" another facet of things..... I can help him in his recovery by working on my recovery, that's just my opinion. When I started using the tools I learned in Al-Anon it was as if he made the decision to work on his sobriety. The pamphlet, "So You Love an Alcoholic" was one of the best readings. I did all the "don'ts" and none of the "dos". When I switched my thinking (and it was very hard to do), my life got better. So did his, when I got off his back, stopped hounding him, stopped trying to control, stopped trying to fix it or think I can fix it, etc. I understand what you are saying and completely appreciate it, though.
Your Friend, Portia.
I'm just sayin' that "could be" another facet of things..... I can help him in his recovery by working on my recovery, that's just my opinion. When I started using the tools I learned in Al-Anon it was as if he made the decision to work on his sobriety. The pamphlet, "So You Love an Alcoholic" was one of the best readings. I did all the "don'ts" and none of the "dos". When I switched my thinking (and it was very hard to do), my life got better. So did his, when I got off his back, stopped hounding him, stopped trying to control, stopped trying to fix it or think I can fix it, etc. I understand what you are saying and completely appreciate it, though.
Your Friend, Portia.
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